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Kembo05 Offline OP
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I been looking at the 180 info a lot and I guess im a little unsure on some of it. One of our issues was I used to put my wants ahead of hers, if we both had something we wanted to do on our own I would normally be the one to go because she was always so willing to stay behind to watch our daughter. Situations like this were very rare, but with the 180's I should be more willing to let her do her own thing now, right?

Again, these situations are rare but I think it would be important for her to see that I am sacrificing my time because I never really did that. thoughts?


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 173
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Kembo05 Offline OP
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My W talked to me last night and she communicated some stuff about how she was upset and confused that I never recognized her feelings and I dismissed her feelings for so long. I just validated what she said and then she would say she did a really good job of pretending like everything was OK and then she would go back to saying she didn't understand how I didn't check on her or recognize her feelings.

I definitely have different opinions about this issue because she never gave me anything but positive reinforcement and constantly telling me how lucky she was and how happy she was. So all of that is a little confusing.

I do know she is not logical right now so i'm not putting a ton of emotions into what she said. I just hope me listening and validating what she was saying is good in the long run


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 173
K
Kembo05 Offline OP
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Any of the vets have an opinion on this? It seems good she is at least opening up some. We also had a short convo this morning and she apologized for over-reacting about something things and she explained why she felt that way.

Again, im not putting too mush stake or emotion into this because I wouldn't be surprised if she just did a 180 on her attitude later this weekend


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 178
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This is similar to what I'm going through, I'm just as confused so your not alone

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Kembo05 Offline OP
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yeah, it is definitely a relief to know im not the only one fighting this battle. It's just a roller coaster and I have to be the one who is composed because my W sure as heck isn't.

She has always avoided confrontation so I know this is even harder for her.


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
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NDY Offline
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HiKem

I'm not a vet as you know and I do hope one looks in on you at some point. FWIW I think you did very well. Here are the things I know about a WW.

They re write history. What you remember as the past isn't how she will describe it. this is why the validating helps. What ever you do don't argue with her about it. That may come in time but not now.

They are driven by emotion. That means any logic is out of the window.

Forget using words to persuade her. Use actions instead.

The 180 concept can be difficult to implement. Subtle and consistent at the start works best. Big changes will only be seen as fake and she will baulk at them. And you have to mean it as well. If she smells fakery it will only set you back.

Keep posting.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 173
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Kembo05 Offline OP
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Thanks NDY, I don't know who said it but the best thing I have heard so far is that she will act like an addict/3 year old. My initial instinct was to explain she wasn't looking at the whole picture and to tell her she is putting all the blame on me when she has a part in this BUT, I know that is pointless right now. She is definitely running wild with her emotions.

I have noticed by my validating she is more willing to talk and open up a little more. Granted most of the time she is just criticizing me for stuff I did or didn't do, but I can take the heat.


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
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NDY Offline
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Originally Posted By: Kembo05
Thanks NDY, I don't know who said it but the best thing I have heard so far is that she will act like an addict/3 year old. My initial instinct was to explain she wasn't looking at the whole picture and to tell her she is putting all the blame on me when she has a part in this BUT, I know that is pointless right now. She is definitely running wild with her emotions.

I have noticed by my validating she is more willing to talk and open up a little more. Granted most of the time she is just criticizing me for stuff I did or didn't do, but I can take the heat.

It is so true. The A is addictive and you are standing in the way of her happiness. At least that's the way they see it.

I'm glad you can take the heat. As cadet says get yourself a spew jacket coz your going to need one. Have you read sandi2's threads on the WW yet? They are required reading for people in our situation.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 173
K
Kembo05 Offline OP
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Joined: May 2015
Posts: 173
Yeah, I am HOPING the A is over; I know contact has been very minimal but I do think that "mourning" process is going to take some time.

I have definitely taken my hits, I don't know if I need a spew jacket or a bullet proof vest.

I have read the WW threads. They were invaluable to me. This might be a vague question by how long at they wayward after affair is over? are things still pretty much the same until the piecing starts?


Me: 32 Her: 29
M: 5 T: 11
D2
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me)
W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15
Papers served 6-3-15
Temporary Order 7-15-15
W Moved out 7-17-15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
N
NDY Offline
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Posts: 1,458
Originally Posted By: Kembo05
Yeah, I am HOPING the A is over; I know contact has been very minimal but I do think that "mourning" process is going to take some time.

I have definitely taken my hits, I don't know if I need a spew jacket or a bullet proof vest.

I have read the WW threads. They were invaluable to me. This might be a vague question by how long at they wayward after affair is over? are things still pretty much the same until the piecing starts?

I have no idea. My WW is still very active I her A and no signs of stopping. And here comes the hard part. Right now the A is a far more attractive proposition than her M. To her, he is her knight in shining armour. You are the enemy. Harsh but true. Now. If you want your W back, really want her back your objective is to make you a far more attractive proposition than him. Get my drift?


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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