HeavyD here - another same sex couple on the boards. Welcome but I am sorry too that you are here. You are in very good company and will get some good advice.
The hardest thing for me to do was to not "react" to my WW. Just to be calm and patient while I worked my plan (thanks to Wonka and others). I am in month 8 soon to be 9 of this process and yes, it is a slow process and not for those who don't want to do the work.
I agree that while involved in an A, it is addict like behavior. Nothing you do or say will break them from this mindset. I would state the "I am not going to live in an open marriage." And then have some clear boundries, separate checking accounts, credit cards, business accounts, etc.... Prepare for the worst but hope for the best is the mantra I have seen here.
Do you have any intel? Have you seen any of the texts or emails? That would really tell you what you are up against.
Wonka, thank you. I will take that to heart, not speaking about the OW. Today is such a dark, rainy day here. I'm allowing myself to stay in bed and be depressed, because I just can't seem to find any motivation to do anything, and I don't want to go upstairs to the office where she's working. I know this isn't the way I should behave, but I'm just so down right now.
Today, the big 180 I guess I need to work on is detachment. I need to agree more. I will work on this today... whenever I get around to seeing her. In her mind, this is over, and we will need to develop an exit strategy. It feels hopeless to me right now, but I will read the threads... it's helpful to see her words in the words of others who have done the same things.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hi HeavyD... is your plan working to save your relationship, or is it more of a healing process for you as you move beyond the marriage?
It sure is hard not to react to her... I've done a terrible job with this, even though I know better. It's very difficult for us to disentangle our lives. We've both been working on building a business together (real estate... she's the agent, I'm everything else, we haven't generated any income in 9 months). We own 12 rental properties together (she's always had more money, so she owns the majority share). Neither one of us is in a position to move into separate spaces yet, so there is going to be a long and awkward road ahead.
I have, unfortunately, seen the "intel." They are "so in love," they have all these wonderful plans together. I'm up against a pretty strong adversary. The crazy thing is, there was none of this just one month ago. Amazing how quickly it can all fall apart.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
In reading your last couple posts, I want to add some thoughts. I think you would benefit from taking a step back and re-imaging your situation. The M as you had before is dead - there is no "saving" what you used to have.
The process outlined here is about self-discovery and self-improvement so that you are in a place to start a NEW marriage if/when your partner is ready to make that step.
There is no magic bullet to shoot to change their mind. There is no guarantee that they WILL change their mind.
But by going through this process and really trusting in it, you come out the other end as the person you want to be which will make whatever future relationship you have, be it with your W or someone else so much more rewarding.
The side benefit of being here is that we already basically know the script. There are countless success stories out there that follow the same pattern. there are so many examples out there with situations just like yours that have been resuscitated that lead me to believe this is the best way to rekindle the love I have with my W.
So, yes, it hurts. Yes, it [censored]. Yes, there will CERTAINLY be ups and downs. But really the choice is to sit around and wallow in the pain, or to get up and use the time that you have to really work on being the person you want to be.
Matt, thank you for this encouragement. I do know I'll come through the other side - it's just hard here emerging from the shock, the initial grief, all of that. Since today is one where I really can't face the world, I'm taking the time to read the book and go through all the threads here, and post every so often. It seems a good use of my time today, and hopefully starting this weekend, I will GAL. All the best to you, too... seems like you're also kind of in the early stages of things. My heart goes out to you.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Question... last night she said as we came home from our networking event that it was probably best that she move out of the bedroom. I agreed. She left later to see the OW, but came back at some point. While she was gone, I put her pjs and toothbrush in the guest bedroom, locked the door to ours, and went to sleep. I must have been sleeping hard, because I never heard her unlock the door and get into bed beside me, where I found her when I woke up. In the morning, she asked if I had wanted her to sleep in the other room. I said, yes, that's what we agreed. But she said, I don't want to, not till the boys move out. (Younger son graduates high school in a few weeks, and he and his brother are moving into an apartment we bought them not long after.) I don't know if she's stalling for some reason, doesn't really want to move out, or what... because the kids aren't stupid. It's clear something is wrong between us. Should I insist she move out? Or is there something to be gained from allowing her to sleep in our bed?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
First, my plan - well I don't know. I am just taking it one day at a time. At first I was desperate to save my marriage , now I am not so sure. The person my W is today is not the person I married. So, I just don't kow. It depends is my answer. However, I am focusing on me and my children and she can do whatever she wants, I am trying to not react to her - steeer my own ship, walk my own path - whatever metaphor resounds with you. It took me a long time to realize that I can't control her and now I realize how immature that is. She does what she thinks is best for he and I do what I think is best for me. I will leave it at that.
As for your situation, I would not let he sleep in the same bed. As long as she is seeing another person, she does not have the privelage of sleeping with you.
That is my opinion, I am not an expert, but that is what I would do. She needs to understand what a divorce is - no sleeping together. She needs to move out of the marital bedroom. That was a good move to put her PJ's and toothbrush in the guest bedroom.
Yeah, I agree... if she is sleeping with OW then we can't be in the same bed. She agrees with that, too. She insists they haven't actually gotten physical yet, that they are waiting until the boys move out. Which is how she justifies sleeping in our bed for the moment. It's an anguished limbo.
I hear you about not being sure you want to save the marriage anymore. I'm still reeling, though. I mean, literally a month ago, I could not have been more sure that I'd be spending the rest of my life with this woman.
She just came home, is trying to engage me in domestic discussion. I'm holding firm... wish I could leave today, but we only have use of one car and she has meetings off and on throughout the afternoon. I'm grateful for the boards here to keep me focused and determined today.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
What is it you want DifRent - to stay married or not?
I think a lot of it just "depends" on what what unfolds. My W is wildy unpredictable these last 8 months. The only thing I can do is back off, not pursue and try to let her work this mess out. On my end, I am working to protect me emotionally and financially.
Where does it all lead? Who knows, but if we go through the process, I do believe we will be stronger more confident people.
Our W's are confused and scared and are acting on emotion, thus are not reliable at all. Their emotions will fluctuate and be all over the place. Don't react to her, just chart your own course and do it. The only thing she will notice will be actions on your part. Words will mean nothing.
Have you read Sandi's thread on the Wayward Spouse? It really is spot on. Read it now if you haven't already.
I just read it HeavyD, and you're right... it's incredibly spot on. I want to stay married. At the moment, it feels like that is just not possible, as she put it yesterday: "We are NOT going to ever be a couple again, I'm being very clear."
Of course, I can't just rely on how things "feel", and she's being very clear in a clouded fog of her own doing, so that's what I'm trusting... that she can't be trusted, that I can't believe a thing she says. I am very anxious about this relationship she's about to embark upon with the OW. My natural fear, of course, is that if this person who I don't recognize is who she really has become, their relationship will actually have teeth and then I won't stand a chance. (And if this is who she is, then I can't be with her anyway.) I know I can't worry about that and I shouldn't even think about it, but I'm all too human.
I need the strength to GAL this weekend. I do have Friday dinner plans with a friend, and family plans at my brother's house on Sunday. And the OW will be out of town, so there might be an opportunity for dynamics to shift. It's such a roller coaster. Darkest time of my life.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
All the best to you, too... seems like you're also kind of in the early stages of things. My heart goes out to you.