Dazed and Confused

[Archer1]

To add to this, there are two outcomes of snooping:
- you find something. But you already knew something was going on. So all you've done is cause pain to yourself.
- you find nothing. But was it nothing or was there something and it got deleted? Or did you just not look in the right place? Ultimately, it's a rabbit hole that leads nowhere. Either way, you certainly haven't added trust.

So, what have you gained by snooping? Either a bunch of pain or nothing. So why bother?

Someone told me to just imagine your W is having the dirtiest sex you can. Then decide if you can still R. If that answer is "Yes" then there's no reason to ever snoop again.

I've actually quit my snooping (except for one little thing yesterday). W had sent me all the travel arrangements for her work trip about a month ago. It was the trip out of the country and the arrangements had everyone's name and location. I was cleaning out my dropbox yesterday and came across them. I found the guy that flew out of NY and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had heard her talk about this guy before and it all just lined up in my head.

I think I'm to the point of ending it. I'm not going to make any rash decisions, but at this point I can't see us R. We don't have any kids. No property is owned together. All separate finances. It would be very easy for me logistically to walk away.

I feel like I need to re-read the DB books... I'm letting myself get too caught up in her again.

[Archer1]

Ok Archer...what can you do to get out of the house. There are tons of free activities out there that you can do through library / park district / forest preserve District / community colleges.

I found a $hit ton of these to get out.

There are a lot of folks Here who have been using meetup to find groups. I looked it up and was amazed at all of the structured and loose group activities that there Are to chose from.

Get out. Have a good time. No reason not to...what do you have to lose if you to out.

Zephyr,

Thanks for the ideas. I actually have used the meetup app to try to find some things in my area. I found a really cool group but as it turns out they just stopped meeting a few weeks ago... just my luck.

I need to get some roof rails for my car and then I'm going to get myself a kayak. I could spend a good amount of time just floating around all the rivers we have around here. Could even take my beagle!

I'm still just a little numb. I need to pick myself up and get out, it's just easier said than done as I'm sure you all know.

[Matt777]

I think I'm to the point of ending it. I'm not going to make any rash decisions, but at this point I can't see us R. We don't have any kids. No property is owned together. All separate finances. It would be very easy for me logistically to walk away.

I'm guessing nobody here will think less of you if you decide that you don't want to be in the marriage anymore. As I've read many times, the LBS is the one that gets to decide when the marriage is truly over.

But I do think you really need to carefully think about that decision, because I believe without going through this process, there is no way to successfully heal the relationship. Sure, you could R at some point down the line, but it wouldn't be in a way that would be any different from how it has been in the past.

[Archer1]

I think I'm to the point of ending it. I'm not going to make any rash decisions, but at this point I can't see us R. We don't have any kids. No property is owned together. All separate finances. It would be very easy for me logistically to walk away.

I'm guessing nobody here will think less of you if you decide that you don't want to be in the marriage anymore. As I've read many times, the LBS is the one that gets to decide when the marriage is truly over.

But I do think you really need to carefully think about that decision, because I believe without going through this process, there is no way to successfully heal the relationship. Sure, you could R at some point down the line, but it wouldn't be in a way that would be any different from how it has been in the past.

I think getting her out of the house will help both of us decide what we want. She's said she'll be out of the house by the end of the month. If that doesn't happen I'm going to start pushing her out the door. We I need separation.

[Cadet]

I believe without going through this process, there is no way to successfully heal the relationship.

More importantly is to heal YOURSELF.

Since we are 50% of any relationship - we need to be healed before continuing to MOVE FORWARD!

That includes being able to recognize our faults and the faults of those that we are in a new relationship with.
If you move forward with blinders on then you are doomed to fail again.

My take on DB'ing.

[Archer1]

I guess the whole thing right now is that she thinks she's getting away with it. That I still think it was some random guy in a NY bar and that it's over.

A part of me just wants to say I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WHO YOU'RE DOING IT WITH! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME!!

But I don't suppose anything constructive would come from that conversation... So I guess I'll keep it to myself.

[Cadet]

I guess the whole thing right now is that she thinks she's getting away with it. That I still think it was some random guy in a NY bar and that it's over.

A part of me just wants to say I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WHO YOU'RE DOING IT WITH! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME!!

But I don't suppose anything constructive would come from that conversation... So I guess I'll keep it to myself.

You dont want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else.

That is when saying the above might mean something.

[Archer1]

You dont want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else.

That is when saying the above might mean something.

Should I say this to her? Should I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else?

I understand what you're saying, but I don't at the same time.

[Cadet]

You dont want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else.

That is when saying the above might mean something.

Should I say this to her? Should I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else?

I understand what you're saying, but I don't at the same time.

Not right now,
is she asking to stay with you?

That is when you would say it.

[Archer1]

You dont want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else.

That is when saying the above might mean something.

Should I say this to her? Should I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her while she is in a relationship with someone else?

I understand what you're saying, but I don't at the same time.

Not right now,
is she asking to stay with you?

That is when you would say it.

Ahhh, I got it. That makes sense. No, she has not mentioned anything about staying with me. There has been Zero relationship talk since the bd.