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BEClem Offline OP
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I'm a fiery and emotional guy by nature and one of the biggest changes I can see in myself is my ability to hold my temper in check.

I literally have not raised my voice or been combative with her in I don't know how long.

I'm so thankful to all of you here on this forum. You have been my rock and I wish I could meet each and every one of you to give you all a big hug.

So what are everyone's thoughts on this whole sleepover thing. Like I said, it has nothing to do with me not wanting to spend time with my kids. I spend alot of time with them.

I'm just tired of doing every single thing her way. I have been steamrolled and basically lied to these last 6 months. She completely backed out of her promise we agreed to 6 months ago. I was supposed to go home on February 9th so we could begin to reconcile after a 3 month cooling period.

Yet here I am and it became "I'm done. You put me through hell. F You. I couldn't care less about you....etc" The anger is tremendous in her.

That's another question I have. Is the anger she is showing any sign of 180s starting to have an impact upon her? I guess what I mean is I am slowly becoming everything she wanted me to be again. And when she is cruel to me, I take it in stride and don't lose my cool.

I just wonder if there are any stages or signs the WAS shows as they are processing what they are witnessing. Is anger a good sign? A bad sign? Nothing at all?

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BEClem Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TenBook
First off your actions and responses have been DB gold material. Congrats BEC. What a change you have made in yourself. Pat yourself on the back man.

It's not being a punching bag. Men keep their cool in the face of adversity and that's what you have done. If you don't believe me, consider your behavior if you acted the opposite.


Ten. Thanks man. I was really proud of how I handled today. I didn't even have to fight the urge to snap back. It was just natural. I was truly calm. Of course when I got back to my parents house I was a little upset. But not in an anger way. It was just hurtful. But she never saw any of that.

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BEClem Offline OP
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Well. Pretty good day today. Minor slip up but not with any consequences.

I calmly and briefly asked my W if she had filed. She did not get upset with me and told me that no she did not. I thanked her for not getting upset about me asking and for us not making a big issue of it.

Other than that, positive and upbeat. Even that "conversation" was literally brief and to the point. No emotions. Just a question. An answer. And a thanks for letting me know and not getting upset.

One thing I'm having alot of trouble with is thoughts of this male friend of hers. I've been very forthright here on the boards about the role I played in the demise of our marriage. And have fully disclosed about the very brief EA that I had with an ex last May. It lasted only about a week or so. I met up with her twice. I did kiss her, but there was nothing physical beyond that. But I stopped it after the second meeting because I knew what I was doing was wrong and didn't want it to progress any further. My W found out and was, rightfully, devastated.

This betrayal of trust, along with my depression, are her main reasons she is where she is at today.

She swears that this friend of hers is nothing more. There is a part of me that believes her and thinks that maybe the worst case scenario is that he is a good guy that she could possibly be seeing greener pastures with. She's even said things like "Do you think if I was doing anything that I would ever have him around the kids?" I've asked her about this guy like 4 times and she has stayed consistent. It is also a topic that I absolutely cannot approach again because it is a cheeseless tunnel and it would probably be the last straw for her. She even blew up on me once and screamed at me that "I'm not the one who did those things. You were. I don't want to be with anyone and probably never will want to be with anyone ever again because of how much you f'ed me up".

But there is just something in my gut that thinks she is lying.

My honest self assessment is this: Even if she is lying and there is some kind of EA or PA going on: If I am successful at DBing and my wife chooses to want to try and reconcile, I would forgive her for it (if it is true) because I want her to forgive me for what I did. It would be hypocritical for me not to.

I just want us to be together. To be happy like I know we can.

But I'm having alot of trouble dealing with this added wrench and I'm conflicted if I should believe her or not.

She could be telling the truth. She could be lying. She could be making it seem like there is something going on because she seems like she is at a point where she is so angry with me she wants to punish me.

I'm never going to bring it up again because when she told me the "I'll probably never want to be with anyone ever again" I truly believed her in that moment. And I made a promise that I would trust her and never mention it again.

What to do? What to do?

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Honestly, I've been going through something similar, and the way I see it, there is NOTHING to be gained by thinking about it.

The way I see it, you have a choice to make now: "can I forgive my W if she is having a PA with this guy?" If the answer is "yes" then just assume that your W is sleeping with him now.

You need to take this journey for you now and she will take her journey. If she decides she wants to reconcile later, then you look through all of the carnage in your respective wakes and decide how you want to deal with it. But you can't live your life watching her every move to see if she's possibly sleeping with this guy because it will stop you from being able to move forward with the important parts of the process.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
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BEClem Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Matt777
Honestly, I've been going through something similar, and the way I see it, there is NOTHING to be gained by thinking about it.

The way I see it, you have a choice to make now: "can I forgive my W if she is having a PA with this guy?" If the answer is "yes" then just assume that your W is sleeping with him now.

You need to take this journey for you now and she will take her journey. If she decides she wants to reconcile later, then you look through all of the carnage in your respective wakes and decide how you want to deal with it. But you can't live your life watching her every move to see if she's possibly sleeping with this guy because it will stop you from being able to move forward with the important parts of the process.


My answer would be "yes". I would forgive her. Not sure I like the idea of assuming that she is sleeping with him in order to be able to move forward. But I get and understand your point.

I'd like to stop snooping, because I am, and I'd like to be able to take the mindset of: just trust her, continue to focus on solutions, grow and improve, be the better option and if we reconcile and it turns out she way lying than I will forgive her.

Either way, I have to mentally get past this in order to keep moving in a positive direction.

I'm making some headway. The fact that I know she has not filed is huge. It's been exactly one month since she dropped that final bomb in that counseling session and has said she can't do this and is done. It's been 10 days since, yes through snooping, I discovered the "divorce survival" worksheet and the checkbook with a $3,500 deposit intended for "lawyer".

But I'm staying consistent. Sure I've had some slipups. But she knows how much I care for her. How much I acknowledge my role and the pain I caused. And my 180s of being the best man, father and husband I can be are genuine and consistent.

She could have filed for divorce at any time she wanted to in the last month. But she hasn't. That has to stand for something right?

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BEClem Offline OP
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Another thing that has to be a point in a somewhat positive direction is that when she told me that she hasn't filed I did say that I assumed that meant she was still thinking about things. She said that she had told me she would think about it (giving us a chance) and that yes, that is what she was still doing.

Forgot to mention that. Again it was very brief and just to the point. Non-emotional.

So that has to be a good thing I would imagine.

I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Giving her space. Treating her with respect and distant love. Been going to my house everyday after work an spending 4-8 with my kids. Having great interactions with them. She's been leaving during that timeframe but I see her in the front end and on the back end. So she's having brief positive interactions with me. She's seeing brief snippets of how I am as a father. I'm working my tail off and continuing to fully support my family financially. I help her out around the house while I'm there and she isn't.

These are all of the things I used to do and are my key 180s: being a man who is a loving, attentive and helpful husband and father.

Her not having filed for a month now and her continuing to give time and thought has got to mean something positive.

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I guess my point was that if you think you can forgive her in the future for a PA, then it doesn't really matter RIGHT NOW if she is actually having a PA or not. All you will do is drive yourself crazy looking for it and thinking about it, and there are so many better ways to expend that energy. Take the focus off what she may or may not be doing and instead put it on you and the things under your control.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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Also, I wouldn't pay too much attention to whether she filed or not. I worry that by bringing it up over and over, it will come across as trying to control the situation and her. Even if she files, there's a long time to go until the actual divorce. And ultimately, the divorce is just a piece of paper - there's no rule that says you can't turn right around and get married again.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 493
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BEClem Offline OP
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Good points Matt. I understand your advice. Keep the focus on my changes and just let her alone on any "us" talk. I'm getting better and better at it everyday.

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BECLem-reading up on your sitch and i have a similar sitch. Im not sure if W is in a EA or not, but i have come to the conclusion that whether or not she is in one shouldnt matter to me and how i am going to change. it really hard not to think about it though. I think about it everytime i see W texting or receiving a text from someone, but i try to tell myself that it has nothing to do with you. this is so hard and i am hoping we can all become better people in the end and hopefully everything else will work itself out.

Nick


Me-35 W-34
Married 6/2011 T-6 years
S-2
BD-3/22/2015
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