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Mlcers have a way of wearing different masks around people. Right now, you'll see the unhappy, miserable mask. To the interviewer, he may have come across as self assured and ready to tackle any job that is offered to him. It's difficult to say how he was around the parties interviewing him.

You are doing the right thing by keeping the conversations centered around the children. He's very sensitive right now about his job search and his own personal life. He may not share much of what transpired during this trip...but then again, he may share what he perceives as his "happy" so that you think it's got it together. If and when he returns home and wants to discuss things, listen closely. If he asks for advice, give it to him.

Continue to keep the focus on you and your children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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H arrived home on Tuesday AM, before I had a chance to get a bedroom set up for him. He isn't interested in moving to a different bedroom.

He came back very different than he left. For the first time in a couple of years he isn't stressed or grumpy -- I don't feel the anger from him. His spirit is happy and peaceful. He is engaging with the kids and helpful around the house. Today he even took care of getting his driver's license renewed (almost a week before old one expired). He has been very complimentary and "trying" to rectify my old complaints (e.g. he doesn't finish projects).

I am slightly confused. He is acting like nothing happened. I haven't forced a R talk as he came home with the flu and jet-legged. I did tell him that is he wasn't certain he wanted a D than we should wait on mediation. Without a job or any certainty where he is going to live there are too many unknowns. Also, the sessions cost around $350/hour. Feels like we could burn a lot of cash without a lot of agreements. He seemed to agree with the logic.

I have made some decisions about my/children's life. I want to move back the USA in 2016 (unless still married and he has a career here). I really want kids to experience a bit of high school and attend university in the USA. I would focus on the Eastern seaboard or CO, as my kids sports are best served there. I told H my plans and he listened. He is hoping to get an offer from a company in AZ, however I told him that I didn't think it would be a good fit for me/children. He agreed as well.

We are still trying to get house ready to put on the market -- I am amazed at how much energy that takes. Flowers planted today. Still have to get painter in and new carpets for 1 room. H asked if I still wanted to sell the house - YES, I do! He agreed. It could take us a while to get house sold, so better to get marketing it sooner than later. IF we are lucky and sell it in the next 6 mos, then we will make decisions. I am happy to rent until moving back to the USA.

Today, H agreed to go for a hike with another couple about our age. They just returned from an expat assignment and husband is unemployed too. We all actually had a nice time. H and other H are going to meet up for a drink next week. Before the walk, H said he felt all alone with his problems; however I know of 5 other Hs going thru various versions. I reminded him that his own father was forced to changed careers at about this age (so did my father). Books and hollywood don't show this side of life too often (usually only the man who has gone off the deep-end in midlife) -- I assured him that this is a normal phase!

It feels good to have a plan and the ability to implement it. I know H needs/wants a career. I want H to feel fulfilled in his life; however I want to be fulfilled also!


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Time has ticked on and not much has changed.....

He arrived from his trip wanting to pretend that everything was ok. He seems much happier than he has for the past 3 years. He has been making an effort with small things and actually taking some initiative with getting the house ready to be sold.

Last week H finally went out with friends for a drink - first time in 3 years he has done this while being at home. A nice change to him sitting home watching tv or going to play tennis. I am seeing him start to move a bit emotionally. Which gave me a bit of hope. However, when speaking with him about where our relationship stands - he is still uncertain what he wants. He said he doesn't know if he can be happy in a relationship with me - I suggest happiness comes from within.

He has now left again for 3 weeks to more interviews in the US, but is planning on coming back. He made a mess of it with the girls before he left. He insisted to me that he had told the children he was leaving; however upon asking them -- they knew nothing about it. He did however tell our son. Oldest is very disappointed that he isn't telling her what is going on. The kids and I all want to know where we stand with him.

He said he wants to take the time while away and make decisions about his future and our relationship. I am not sure what he has been doing for the past 6 mos.... but hopefully he will come to an answer with some peace.

I have enjoyed spending time with emotionally some healthy people who have emotionally healthy relationships. I am left pondering big questions about my own life and future:

- is this really a midlife crisis or has he ever been able to meet my needs emotionally?

- why did I choose a man who was so emotionally unavailable? (what am I avoiding in my own life)?

- am I willing to wait for a man who may never meet my emotional needs?

After lots of reading, I am convinced that H is either passive-aggressive, covert narcissist or has been wired to avoid emotional situations. He doesn't emotionally connect with anyone. I think I have been waiting 20 years for him to be more emotionally available to me. Over the years I have made lots of excuses for his lack of ability to emotionally connect and life has brought us lots of distractions. Before his MLC 3 yrs ago, I would get some of his time/attention but not his emotions. When MLC hit - he quit giving me his time/attention -- so no longer got anything from him.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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I am wondering why I am trying to hold the family together for the children when H seems to be focused on making decisions which would not take in to account the kids needs.

I understand if he wants to divorce me, but it hurts so much to see how he is overlooking and excluding the kids. Eldest daughter said she feels like dad has never been there for her most of her life (she's right.). Why am I trying to be the glue when he makes no effort to make the children/family a priority in his life. What am I holding together?

Last edited by dejavu2; 05/20/15 07:55 PM.

H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: dejavu2
Time has ticked on and not much has changed.....


What are you doing to change yourself? I ask that not to blame but to keep the focus on the only person in this situation that you can affect, YOU.

And when someone says "not much has changed" the normal reaction here is to suggest you get a mirror out and look at the only person you can change; and btw,

embrace this! Don't shy from it or get defensive. IT's empowering to know you are NOT powerless in this.

Take charge of your life and prove the part about "happiness comes from within" b/c the tone of your posts and the title of your thread indicate the opposite.

You are putting YOUR happiness (and to an extent, modeling that for your kids) all in his hands.

Why give him all that power? What would you prefer modeling for your kids?

He arrived from his trip wanting to pretend that everything was ok. He seems much happier than he has for the past 3 years. He has been making an effort with small things and actually taking some initiative with getting the house ready to be sold.

Last week H finally went out with friends for a drink - first time in 3 years he has done this while being at home. A nice change to him sitting home watching tv or going to play tennis.

ALL of this^^ is about him and what HE is doing/thinking acting like. Where are you in this?



I am seeing him start to move a bit emotionally. Which gave me a bit of hope. However, when speaking with him about where our relationship stands


Why would you bring up R talk? Nothing cools a relationship like taking its temperature. If you want to build on conflict free times, then do that. Don't push for more or he'll back way off.

Have you read the Div Busting book(s)? How about those 37/40 "Rules" that Sandi assembled?


- he is still uncertain what he wants. He said he doesn't know if he can be happy in a relationship with me - I suggest happiness comes from within.


Instead of arguing him back into the marriage, which fails every single time AND usually also pushes them away (Cheeseless tunnels)

why not stop all the resistance? ("That which we resist, persists") Why not say that YOU don't know if you can be happy with someone so unhappy?

That YOU "have some thinking to do"?

He has now left again for 3 weeks to more interviews in the US, but is planning on coming back. He made a mess of it with the girls before he left. He insisted to me that he had told the children he was leaving; however upon asking them -- they knew nothing about it. He did however tell our son. Oldest is very disappointed that he isn't telling her what is going on. The kids and I all want to know where we stand with him.

Wow, please Stop this needlessly painful dynamic. It's your job to reassure them that they are loved and won't be tossed out in the streets , no matter what HE does or says. You're the sane parent, not a victim.


He said he wants to take the time while away and make decisions about his future and our relationship. I am not sure what he has been doing for the past 6 mos.... but hopefully he will come to an answer with some peace.




I have enjoyed spending time with emotionally some healthy people who have emotionally healthy relationships. I am left pondering big questions about my own life and future:

- is this really a midlife crisis or has he ever been able to meet my needs emotionally?


I submit that the label "Mid Life Crisis" is not helpful to you. It's serving to delay your taking charge of your life, AND it's under the mistaken belief (not empirically supported anyhow) that a MLC label makes a walk away spouse more likely to return.

Most don't return. Also, the "MLC" label often deflects the LBSer away from changes they need to make within,

b/c they instead keep their focus on the person whom they have NO control over, their spouse. You have been going thru whatever this is, for years now.

What, specifically are you waiting for?


Remember this:

No WAS (or MLCer) returns to a marriage they left....ever...UNLESS

they believe that the marriage can be better/different than before
.

So what are you doing to demonstrate that improvement/difference?

The guilting from you or the kids (even the unintentional parts) will only serve to push him farther away.

Most people convert shame into blame. That's why the guilt piece fails.


- why did I choose a man who was so emotionally unavailable? (what am I avoiding in my own life)?

- am I willing to wait for a man who may never meet my emotional needs?


Why not Find people in your life who CAN meet your emotional needs and go from there? Why "wait" for anyone. Ever? Life is too short for that. No, I'm not saying you must give up or date.

I AM saying that "waiting" for him will only keep you stuck and it's not going to attract him back anyhow.


After lots of reading, I am convinced that H is either passive-aggressive, covert narcissist or has been wired to avoid emotional situations. He doesn't emotionally connect with anyone.

How's your own work going? I'm not criticizing you. I am redirecting your focus.
This is ALL about him! Time to put your focus on and only on, YOU.


I think I have been waiting 20 years for him to be more emotionally available to me.

That is tragic. And it's self inflicted, which sort of compounds the tragedy.

The great news is that you can change this! Today!



Over the years I have made lots of excuses


excuses for what? Look inward, where the real journey in life is. And dig deep.

"made lots of excuses....FOR not taking charge of your own happiness, while telling him to do so? For not changing the dynamic in the marriage?

For not putting your efforts into changing the one person you can change?


for his lack of ability to emotionally connect and life has brought us lots of distractions. Before his MLC 3 yrs ago, I would get some of his time/attention but not his emotions. When MLC hit - he quit giving me his time/attention -- so no longer got anything from him.


So your needs have gone unmet for many years. And so what makes you think his endless searching externally, will suddenly make him something he's never been?

Isn't it time for you to choose a new, different course of action?

What would that look like?

What would you most like to teach your children, given the situation?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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[quote=dejavu2]Really struggling tonight. H has got interest from a company 5,000 miles away(8 hr time diff). How can he expect to be a part of kids lives? (Note he is talking to some companies which would only be 5hr time zone diff). Divorce me - fine! But walking out on the children stinks! He is blaming me that I won't move to US so that kids can be near him.


I refuse to take the kids away from the only life they know and their friends on the chance he will spend time with them when not too busy traveling with work.



are there NO other advantages to moving to the US? Think about that. The set up of the family life is such that his high income is like a golden handcuff

and the geographical (and time zones!!) difference sound to me like a family structured for failure.

We were a military family so I'm quite familiar with moves and living abroad. But h's deployments were few & far between, thank God. There was always an end in sight as it was not a modus operandi.

Not a "life style" for us. Meaning, we were usually together - but in a new place.
I joined the military myself after awhile b/c if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".

Had to resign when they could not keep us together any longer. Keeping the family together was key.

In some ways you must congratulate yourself on staying married so long when he's only around 4-6 days a month? Good grief, how could you stay connected that way?

My h's last deployment to the middle East was estranging in so many ways. A lot happened that he was not a part of and he went thru a lot that I was not a part of.

VERY dangerous to marriages. And this was after we reconciled and were in a good strong place in our marriage.

Are you American? If so, won't the kids have some extended family around by moving back? And won't you have more emotional support in America?

I know that child support is a lot easier to enforce if you're in the same country.

Seems to me that the marriage has one consistently big underlying problem, which is that he's far away. This has to have been working for you, b/c you don't seem to mind him being "Just 5 time zones away".

Seems to me if you could show some willingness to change that underlying problem, it would help. What's stopping you from movement in any direction? I mean, it sounds as if you are saying "If this, THEN I'll be willing to ---" and so you want him to make the first step, etc.

But he's not here trying to save the marriage; you are. So you have to take the first step and the second, and maybe the next 1000...

Change is coming to your family anyhow, why not direct it as best you can?


He found very little time over the past 3 yrs to spend with them as work is a huge identity point for him.

Yes he loves his work, so you said. But let's be careful to avoid glossing over actions that are in effect, punitive.

There's a good chance he wants to be closer to the kids than he is. A very good chance. You've seen some changes in him already.

Maybe if you back off and then you're not there to enable or direct the father/child contact, he'll take more of a role in doing so.

When I backed off from forcing h and the kids to interact on MY schedule or what I perceived to be theirs, h stepped up to the plate.

But there was a lag time
during which he expected me to continue doing it and I wasn't.
I was very tempted to resume my formal level of "controlling interference" (which it was, in actuality)

Then it took time for him to process that, without anger, and then some more time for him to step up to the plate. But it did happen.

--

I realise that he is in the selfish man-child phase but making decisions which take him out of his children's lives is just wrong.


You have not been on this site for long, though your h has been half way out of the marriage for some time.

My comment is NOT intended as a criticism but a reminder...here it is.

How does making him "wrong" help YOU? It doesn't. It does 2 harmful things

1) it keeps you stuck in your anger at him and

2) keeps your focus on HIM instead of you...

You need to start YOUR Journey and not worry about his.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Thanks 25yMLC. I agree with much of your perspective. I know my life has many geographic confusions. 6 mos after we started dating he started traveling for work always saying he wanted to be home more. I had always believed the excuse of work hoping that day would come. However, each job he takes seems to take him away from home. He rolls in/out jobs in a 2-3 yr cycle. We moved from the U.S. 11 yrs ago (due to his job). For the past 3 years he was working/living less than 2 hours away - I suggested we move to keep family together, but he wasn't interested. He never came home for special events in my life or children's. He is consumed with success in the office. I always believed he wanted a life at home, but his actions never match his words. He has been off work for the past 6 mos and has spent most of his time playing tennis and watching tv. He engages with the children on his terms only.

I am ok with my transitioning life without him, just sad for the children. My life has moved on with friends & laughter meanwhile trying to understand WHY I have put up with his PA behaviour for so long, what am I getting out of this? How do I not repeat this again?
I don't expect him to change as he is running from himself not me or the kids. Part of me hopes he changes towards the children, but guess I need to realise he can't/won't. He uses chaos to keep me emotionally attached. There is always some big change/issue which needs my attention therefore unable to walk-away from him. (Major relocations, kids, new jobs... Potential new jobs...)

I have my plan which is to move back to the East coast with the children in Summer 2016. It would be much better for all if he also had a job on the East coast. As an ex-wife I no longer have to chase him or his job. There are pros/cons to going back to the U.S. Having lived a "local" life rather than an expat live, the kids actually feel more local than American. We have not been back to the U.S. with kids since 2009. But I do feel the pull get daughters' back even if for part of HS experience.

I have always believed that kids need both parents - both have an important role in building self-worth. However now pondering - is he actually positively contributing to building their self-esteem or is this just my version of a "happily ever after..."

Actually getting divorced where we are would be more adventageous for me from time and money. We can just get on with it. Waiting until he has a job and we move back ..... would add tons of time - we have no connections to any state and each state has different laws. Feels odd to be filing for divorce when he doesn't want to move out of my bedroom. I am hoping he gets direction on the job search and decides to set up his life.


Last edited by dejavu2; 05/20/15 10:09 PM.

H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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I guess I am mad at myself and at H. I am mad at myself that I have believed in the dream of being a family and that he wanted the same thing. I'm mad at him for misrepresenting his desires to me and being emotionally unavailable. This journey has made me realize that he is emotionally unavailable for himself.

It has been a tough few week - this week was our 19yr wedding anniversary. All H could say was "I'm sorry I'm putting you threw this". On Friday night we were robbed. They knew what they wanted and took the girls riding stuff. Not only was it a big financial loss, it was also very personal feeling as it was my children's stuff. Trying to sell one of our long time ponies - so many great memories with him/daughter. She has a room of ribbons & trophies. I am also trying to get curtains finished to get house on market by June 1 to be sold. And this week all 3 kids are showing signs of stress.

I'm mad that I would like a partner to share life's challenges and accomplishments but I chose the wrong person and it has taken me 19 years to realize it!

Last edited by dejavu2; 05/21/15 04:53 AM.

H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 100
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dejavu2 Offline OP
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Btw - I have always been willing to follow H jobs around, it has been him that hasn't wanted the family near him. When the kids were babies we were living on East Coast and he was working on west coast for 2 years near several of my closest friends from university. I begged him to move there - wouldn't do it. Every job afar, I have offered and suggested as being a family unit is very important to me. I spent one summer looking at schools/houses in Amsterdam only to have him decide he didn't want to move us. This is the first time that I am digging my heels in and saying I won't follow him to certain places, If kids were thru HS, I would follow him anywhere - I love a good adventure.

I now realise his lack of interest in having the family around is because it relinquishes him from emotional responsibility as he hides behind his corporate responsibilities.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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I am so sorry to read that you were robbed. It sounds like the individual(s) who robbed you had been in your home previously or been round the girls when they were out riding. I hope you informed the police of the robbery and provided some photos of the stuff that was taken. I'm sure your girls were very upset by this because this is another blow on top of everything else.

What type of curtains are you making? Are you making curtains for each and every room? I'm sure they will look beautiful and will help give the room a warm and welcoming feeling.

Get that anger out there, front and center. Let it all out, even if you have to beat the stuffings out of a pillow. You want to get rid of that anger before it affects your health.

As for your h, I'm so sorry he's not there emotionally to help you and to share life's challenges and accomplishments. He's missed out on a lot of memorable times and once they are over and done with, he can't have them recreated. It is his loss and one day, he just might realize that.

Please take care of yourself. You've got a lot going on in the next few weeks. If, at all possible, take a few me breaks to recharge your battery. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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