Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
E
Elly4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
Hi all,

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2526046#Post2526046

Second thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556592&page=1

Third thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556680&page=1

Okay, so a new thread. Here's a review of my sitch.

We have been together for 23 years and married 17. We got together when he was 19 and I was 21. I suffer from PPST from sexual abuse from age 3 - 15 and then raped in college. When we first got together, I started counseling for the first time. I went to counseling and after over 9 years, was able to escape most of my demons. While this was happening, my husband and I did not have intercourse. We messed around, but I was never able to go all the way.. He asked me to marry him knowing I might never be able to be fully intimate. Luckily around the 8 year mark, that was fixed. He has always had a bigger drive than me, but we did okay. It has been the only thing we have ever really fought about though. Otherwise, we have been each other's best friend or so I thought. After trying for many years, in 2011 we had a beautiful son delivered to us and I thought we had the dream. Now, three years later I find that he is unhappy in his life. He says it's not me or our relationship, but that he has lost himself and does not know what to do. He also told me that he has spent too much time making sure that I'm happy that he doesn't know how to do anything else. He always thinks of me and our son first. He also says he knows that I've often told him to be honest with his feelings, but he didn't want to hurt me ever.

In the 23 years we've been together, he had not developed any other friendships without me around. He went to work and came home. Since January, he started going out with some people from work and one employee in particular at times. He is always open about his visits and tells me what he did, but I still wonder. I think there is an EA at the very least.

My H is now sleeping in a separate bedroom, but often acts like nothing has changed. A few a weeks ago, he told me he was going to leave, but not sure when. When he decides to move out, he tells me that he'll give me a month notice. Recently he has been more attentive to both myself and our S, has wanted to do things with us, and talked more with me at night (nothing heavy, but talking about everyday stuff)
I'm struggling with doubt lately. There have been so many small signs that he's coming back to me, but still no R talk or indication from him that he's changed his mind. He is such an avoider of negative situations that I sometimes feel like he's relieved I'm not making a fuss and that way we can be friends until he's ready to leave our house.

Here are my current goals
Goal 1: I will ask him about his work and how he is feeling when he comes home (but not pursue if he walks away)

Goal 2: I will support him in dealing with my S by staying quiet and letting my H deal with him his way. I will comfort my S while still concurring that he needs to listen to dad and follow the house rules.

Goal 3: I will tell my H that I appreciate when he does something for me, my S, or our house

Goal 4: I will lose two pounds a week, three weeks out of four

Goal 5: I will GAL twice a week

Goal 6: I will work out three times a week

Goal 7: I will make casual decisions without asking my husband his opinion

I’m in an anxious place right now and am very appreciative of the help I’ve received from Toots, Bob, Zephyr, and Cherry, and many others.


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
E
Elly4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
Thanks for stopping by on my old thread, Bob! I had my S's screening today and while I knew he was bright, I didn't think he would outpace their assessments. He's too bright to score in that environment, so we need to go elsewhere. That's the good news. The bad news is that I have never heard the word "intense" used that many times in a conversation. He has some definite social issues, so it could come out to be autism...I'm not sure. Academic, physical, and speech all came out unscoreable as he went higher than they have a test, but it took a lot of work and redirection to get him there. My H did make the comment after the meeting that he understands a little better why I'm exhausted every night.


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
hey there, sorry for no response earlier.

I think that your excersize / dieting plans are excellent and clearly you've been doing well with them. 40+ down already is really good. It is commendable actually. Keep up the great work.

As far as appreciation... this is a touchy topic with me. I don't know what all went on behind those closed doors of yours, but i know the stresses that child raising causes many women and the daily grind that takes it toll on many men.

i would bet i went some 6 years without hearing a real thank-you for all the hard work you do for our family kind of statement, yet i was still TOLD what i wan't doing enough of, or that what we did have wasn't good enough for one reason or another. I get that the street runs both ways. I am sure you don't hear the praises at home for all of the efforts you give to your family.

It is something that i've made a focus on at home with at least telling wife how appreciative of things i am when stuff is done. I had actually mentioned the other day that my shoes were starting to wear a bit, she asked me to take a pic of the shoes...she drove to the outlet mall that day and bought me the exact shoes i had cause she new i loved them so much. I was overwhelmed. i told her 3 times how thankful i was she went out of the way for me. Maybe that was overdoing it, but i've also left small notes or emails over the last 6 months saying thank you's and such for working hard, or kids stuff, or even for bringing in the garbage cans. Guess what, i get told and shown thank you for the stuff i do, WAAAAAY more now.

It is great that you are recognizing that it is important and making it a goal. AWESOME.


Last edited by Cadet; 05/20/15 07:00 PM. Reason: merged

M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Sorry...forgot to mention, that wife may have been telling me she appreciated my effort, I just didn't hear it with the way she said it...if that makes any sense.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
E
Elly4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
Zephyr, in my case I think I did stop saying how much I appreciated what he did for me. I would tell people in front of him of how much I loved him and how lucky I was, but I didn't ever just tell him that I appreciate all the small things he does. I think I did complain about other small things that didn't get done instead of focusing on all that he did.

An example I used earlier on, was that he was taking the trash to the dump one day and as he was heading out, I brought him something that he forgot. I thought I was being helpful, but by his reaction, he felt I was being critical. I've tried very to change that behavior.

Thank you so much for your post!


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
E, have you ever said something along those lines to H? A good old fashioned heartfelt thank you / apology for ^^.

So I get how frustrating that taking care of a child is,,especially if your son is potentially on the spectrum. I hesitated from typing this earlier, but my brother has autistic son and his marriage is a shambles right now. She works and takes care of all the kid stuff, because he is incapable of handling things like she does. He works hard and overtime and side jobs to pay the extra bills...he comes home and can't do anything right, yada yada yada. I've seen the two interact too many tines.

Don't get me wrong, he is no superdad and I KNOW he is not meeting my SIL's needs either. It takes two. Neither one will budge. It is painful to watch. It will likely take someone finally snapping and ready to walk out the door to change the dynamic.

For better or worse you are the strong one (or more stubborn, who am I to judge wink ) and you are here to stand for your marriage.

I hope you don't take this as preachy that is certainly not my intent. I just know that you still have the gift of time and a warm & loving heart!

I genuinely hope for the best for you and your family Eirinn.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
E
Elly4 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 911
I don't take it as preachy at all, Zephyr. I take it as good, honest feedback which is what I'm begging for. And no, I don't believe that I have said that to him as I wasn't sure if that would be bringing up an R talk which is supposed to be taboo.

I guess I could tell him that, "As I've been working on myself lately, I've come to realize that I really didn't appreciate you as much as I should have in the past, and I am sorry for that."

We have never been fighters or major complainers to each other, but I feel like I did stop telling him about my thankfulness for all he did.

The last few days he has seemed very lost, unhappy and I wish I could do something for him. I have been open to him for talking and validating everything he says, but he just types on the darn phone and looks pensive.


M 46 / H 43
T 24/M 18
S 4
11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY
1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom
1/8/2016 H moved out

Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
You're very welcome, Dear Eirinn. wink Wow, your H actually acknowledged that he understands a little better wht you are exhausted every night? Amazing! Hey, it's a start. How did you feel when H said that?

I really don't know how to express how concerned I am about you and your S. I'll keep your family in my prayers. You're not getting knocked off my prayer list any time soon.

Please do the best you can to take care of yourself.

Your cyber-friend (LOL)

Bob

xoxo


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
I want for you to help your husband too, I don't know if that is is something you Are supposed to do. And certainly I don't want to give hope for magic pill either. No expectations on this. If u do this it is for you.

I know so little about what the WAS thinks...I am drowning in my own mistakes as proof. It could be This is something that will Help, it might not...idk.

Your statement certainly something that I longed to hear from wife for a really long time.

I would definitely sleep on this one and maybe someone more in tuned than me...and someone not as close as you.so they can be objective will give better wisdom than I.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
How are you today???


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard