Thanks Sandi and Matt, I agree with you both. Matt, I definitely know the OM isn't THE problem. I just saw what I thought was him and I acted on it. I knew I was never just going to go to this house and confront him, but I just got overwhelmed with a ton of emotion when I thought it was him.
His dad agreed that he needed to see me face to face. I kind of want to do this. Anyone have thoughts on this? I know it doesn't change anything but for some reason I want to look him in the eye and make him look me in mine. I don't have specific intentions, but I just want to tell him he needs to move on and tell him his actions are going to be part of a destruction of a family. He is only 21 so I know he is young and immature. Just curious to what you all think about this. His dad said he would take him somewhere public where the 2 of us can talk face to face.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
His dad agreed that he needed to see me face to face.
I personally could not do this. I don't have the self control.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Those emotions will get you every time. It's those very emotions that overwhelmed you that could get out of hand with OM, so be very careful.
Quote:
His dad agreed that he needed to see me face to face. I kind of want to do this. Anyone have thoughts on this? I know it doesn't change anything but for some reason I want to look him in the eye and make him look me in mine. I don't have specific intentions, but I just want to tell him he needs to move on and tell him his actions are going to be part of a destruction of a family. He is only 21 so I know he is young and immature. Just curious to what you all think about this. His dad said he would take him somewhere public where the 2 of us can talk face to face.
You may want to get Starsky's opinion about meeting with OM.
If you are expecting to approach the guy with the hope he is going to do the respectable/honorable thing and step away.....I think you may need to consider a different thought, but IDK. I mean this guy is getting what he wants out of the deal now (sex with a M woman....which is a "no-no", and therefore, makes it even more exciting). So, don't put much into his integrity. However, at 21, he may not be ready to take on a ready-made family. If he thought that she was getting ideas about marriage to him, that might scare him more than you. Get my drift?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I get your drift. I know he isn't going to have integrity and he won't be remorseful. But you can only hide from your actions for so long. I don't think meeting him changes anything but I know he's terrified of me and I know he is hiding behind his dad. I think meeting him is more for me. I'm embarrassed I enabled my wife's decisions when I found out about affair. I did the stereotypical thing and apologized and told her I know I was a part of this and I HATE that I said those things. I think me meeting him shows I'm not putting up with this anymore; to him and my W. Does that change anything? Probably not. But at least I will get some of my self dignity back.
I still haven't completely decided what to do. I know I won't turn aggressive because that's not who I am. It may sound ridiculous but I know how terrified the OM is about meeting me and I'm glad that's the case. Part of me thinks he kept pursuing my W after I found out because he assumed I was just going to sit back and watch, I hope him meeting me will prove otherwise
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
I still haven't completely decided what to do. I know I won't turn aggressive because that's not who I am.
Emotions/feeling can cause people to react in ways they wouldn't have predicted, just understand you might not really know how you would react unless you were in that situation to see first hand.
An example, I'm sure our WAS's would have said they would never walk away from their M or have an A, but when emotions are involved we are capable of much more than we realize.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I still haven't completely decided what to do. I know I won't turn aggressive because that's not who I am.
Emotions/feeling can cause people to react in ways they wouldn't have predicted, just understand you might not really know how you would react unless you were in that situation to see first hand.
An example, I'm sure our WAS's would have said they would never walk away from their M or have an A, but when emotions are involved we are capable of much more than we realize.
I second this. It's your choice mate but I'd think twice. I'm honest enough to know I do not have the self dicipline to hold back and I'm no good to anyone in jail. But that's me.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I think if you do go to see him, you'll need a plan. I'm confused as to what exactly you would say to this person. Remember, your W is surely going to hear second hand anything you say (and through the eyes of someone that will exaggerate for the worse). I understand the desire to do this for you. But it feels like you're doing it to try to exert control over this situation. I fear that it won't do anything to bring you closer to keeping your M.
You don't want to go all dawgy on the OM. Let me catch you up a bit on the story.
Originally Posted By: Kembo05
I still haven't completely decided what to do. I know I won't turn aggressive because that's not who I am. It may sound ridiculous but I know how terrified the OM is about meeting me and I'm glad that's the case. Part of me thinks he kept pursuing my W after I found out because he assumed I was just going to sit back and watch, I hope him meeting me will prove otherwise
Dawgy is a poster here (since long gone or posts very infrequently) whose W had OM. One day Dawgy saw the OM and thought like you...just wanna see who the heck the OM was for himself. Well, the moment Dawgy saw the OM...he lost it. All of his self-control went flying out of the window. Literally. Dawgy got out of his truck and proceeded to beat the OM to a pulp.
The result?
It only served to bring the W and OM closer. It was a classic case of "us against the World". Of course, it frightened the chit out of W and made her see Dawgy with a new set of eyes: he's a violent man.
Dawgy paid a very steep price for this momentary loss of rational thought. His wife is gone with the OM.
Going dawgy is now a verb around here in DB. How sad.
DO.NOT.MEET.THE.OM.
Nothing good can come out of the meeting whichever way you slice it. Besides that, OM "wins" because he got inside your head.
C'mon. The Duke didn't give punks the time of his day.
Another point to make, I'm not a violent person either, but there have been times I have imagined what I was capable of doing if I were face to face with him. This is from a person never even in a fight as an adult.
So Kembob, you know he wont be remorseful, but how would you react if he threw the A in your face and actually gloated about it? You have expectation he would be intimidated by you speaking to him, but you really don't know what hes thinking either. He could honestly say whatever he wanted to you with dad walking over in the background.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
great points, I appreciate the input and I think you are all right; I don't think it would be wise to meet with him.
On a different note; I just spoke to my wife and she is meeting with attorney today to file for D
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
