first post; my story

[Kembo05]

Bob, thanks for the kind words. Sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation but it's nice to know people understand what you're going through. My W and I are both apart this weekend and I'm hoping it's a good break for both of us. She has shown some small signs of empathy but like bob said I'm trying to take it one day at a time

I'm trying to enjoy the weekend but it's just hard to not think about the situation.

[sandi2]

Hi Kembo, I'm glad you found the DB board, but sorry for your situation. If you will stay with us, I believe you will discover this is a great group of supports, as well as a source of valuable information for you.

If you read other threads on the board, you will find how similar your story is with the majority of the men here. Of course, most people think their situation is a little different, but for the most part, whenever there is a wayward wife involved.......the core problems are the same.

I also notice many men say they have a very stubborn WW. Well, WW's don't come much more stubborn and prideful as I was, however, my M was eventually saved, and yours can be saved, too.

I truly was in the minority when I arrived. I was wayward, had shut down my M, and was in an A. Wasn't trying to save my M when I first posted, but needed someone to talk to me and help me sort things out. They did! I have stuck around all these years to hopefully pay it forward.

This situation of yours will not end quickly. There is no way of knowing how long it could take before reconciling. I want you to know right here & now, that even though you can't control her.......your actions has tremdous influence on how this will go. Some LBH's tells himself, "There is nothing I can do, since I can't control her, so I will just have to wait till she comes out of it". When I see a statement like that made, I'm thinking that man has the wrong idea about this whole thing.

First of all, if you wait around, thinking she will eventually get "over it" or "come to her senses"......or whatever, you will probably have a miserable life in store for you. In other words, it is setting yourself up for defeat.

You need to enter into a protection mode, and you're the one you will be protecting. Your focus must be on your health, keeping emotionally balanced, work to have a new social life, strive to meet personal goals, stay active, find your inner strength, and build your confidence. Study the link Cadet gave you that explains DBing detachment and don't just assume you already know what it means to detach.

I don't know your ages, but I doubt your W is in any kind of pre-MLC. She is in an A, and will tell you anything to throw the spotlight on something other than the fact she is scr@wing another guy.

Not to insult your intelligence whatsoever, but if you will look up the synonyms of wayward woman, you may find it interesting.

You cannot trust her right now. All cheaters lie.

I'm still having a hard time accepting her emotions are going to be all over the place. She seemed to be in a good mood yesterday and seemed to be somewhat seeking out my attention, but I leave and then come home from a meeting and she just seems annoyed at me and thinks what we are doing is a waste of time

Prime example of why a H has to detach (DBing style) from his WW. She will always operate out of her emotions (which will continue to be like a roller coaster). If you base your day, decisions, moods, etc., on her however she's feeling that day.........you are in for a terrible ordeal. Have no expectations of her feeling better toward you or the MR anytime soon. It just does not happen that way. Ever! Your job is to go on with living your life and not allow her feelings to rule you.

Okay, so all that stuff you said, or she said, about what you had done wrong in the MR previously (selfishness, etc.) you need to make it a goal for personal improvement. But here's the thing, she is using all those things as her excuse now. I'm sure it was not great for the MR, and it would have been smart if you had corrected these things in the past. Like I said, it played a part in things reaching this point, but right now......her waywardness is the biggest problem. You could be become what you think she wants overnight, yet it would not change anything in the M, b/c she would still be wayward. As long as she's wayward, the problem will continue.

Many men start doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the child care, everything on the home front. Why men think that is being the perfect H, I will never know! So, don't start doing 100% of all the chores, thinking it is winning her back.

I need to close this post, but if you don't understand anything I've said, please ask.

[Kembo05]

I guess I am a little confused on the difference between the 180's and the detachment. One thing my W always kind of complained about was things being somewhat stale between us, I think if I detach from her she will look at it like I am doing what I have always done; and a 180 would be being more aware and concerned about what she is doing.

I definitely over analyze things so it's just hard for me to see the clear cut difference.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can help clarify

[Cadet]

I guess I am a little confused on the difference between the 180's and the detachment. One thing my W always kind of complained about was things being somewhat stale between us, I think if I detach from her she will look at it like I am doing what I have always done; and a 180 would be being more aware and concerned about what she is doing.

Can you be more aware and concerned with NO EXPECTATIONS?
Detachment is having no care of the outcome of your actions.

A 180 might be showing that you are concerned and caring, it also might be drinking light beer instead of vodka.

You want to stop pursuing,
unfortunately sometimes just the sound of our
voice can sometimes be perceived as pursuit.

Have you read all the homework threads?
Pursuit and distance, detachment especially.

[Kembo05]

This makes sense, and even shows how difficult this will be. I will look through the link that was originally posted. I have read all the homework threads, but I know I need to review them consistently. Thanks Cadet.

[Cadet]

A 180 might be showing that you are concerned and caring, it also might be drinking light beer instead of vodka.

Just to be perfectly clear I am trying to say that you need to make the right 180's

Drinking Light beer instead of Vodka, is not a 180 I would recommend.

[Kembo05]

haha, I knew what you meant. Thanks again for the clarification. I can now see the importance of the 180's and detachment. The 180s aren't so tough but the detachment sure is.

Has anyone read "Love must be tough" by James Dobson? Some of the concepts are pretty similar and he talks about spouses being wayward

[Kembo05]

Well I saw the guy my wife had been having an A with when I was out running errands and I just couldn't stand it so I followed him to his house. It ended up being his brother and the guy was in the house. I didn't go there with violent or aggressive intentions, I simply wanted to talk with this guy and tell him he needs to move on and that I'm trying to fight for my family. I hope most people on here can understand that. I didn't plan on doing this or have those intentions, but when I saw his truck and what I thought was him at the time I just got overwhelmed by my emotions.

Well long story short the guys dad came out instead and he was very hostile at first but once he saw I wasn't there to cause problems we had a short convo and he was very ashamed of his son and very apologetic. He didn't feel comfortable letting his son come outside, but I told him if his son is going to run around and act like a man he needs to answer to a man and he needs to look me in my face and his dad agreed. I left and went home to tell my W because I didn't want her to find out through him. She was surprised but somewhat understanding of why I did it. She wasn't happy my 2 year old daughter was with me and after she really thought about it she threw a fit about this. She accused me of being selfish and putting what I wanted ahead of my daughters. I told her I could understand that but I knew it wasn't going to turn violent or if the situation would have escalated I would have left.

I can understand her frustration, but it wasn't a situation that was out of hand and my daughter was in the truck the whole time. I know she isn't logical right now but it sure is tough biting my lip when she is accusing me of being selfish and putting my needs ahead of my daughters when I have been fighting for my family this whole time. She put her needs ahead of everyones when she decided to be unfaithful. In a perfect world my daughter wouldn't have been with me, but I would never put my daughter in harms way, and I didn't know how the situation would turn out, but I knew how it wouldn't turn out and that was any acts of violence or some situation where I put myself or my daughter in danger.

She left the house last night and came back home around midnight. She was still obviously upset this morning and I am sure we won't have much conversation when I get home

[sandi2]

She is simply "using" D2 as a handy excuse to get mad at you. The real reason she's upset is b/c she's concerned OM may end the A.

You must not make your validation sound as if you are guilty of what she's charging you of doing. Know what I mean?

You need to go about the rest of the week as if you are not worried or concerned that she doesn't like it b/c you went over to OM's place. She will use her anger as a control tool.

They may take the A deeper underground, and tell you that it's over. If OM tries to end it, expect her to be even angrier toward you, and I think she will pursue him.

[Matt777]

Kembo -

I'm not going to give advice on what I think you should or should not have done. That's in the past.

For the future my advice is this: forget the OM. He's not the problem. He's a symptom of the problems between you and your W. Talking to him, his family, etc isn't going to change anything between your W and you for the better. Yes you should set some boundaries with your W, but your focus should be on yourself.

But...yeah...I feel for you.