I am new to the site here and just looking for some comments and encouragement. I have looked around and some of the stuff has been very valuable for me.
My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and everything seemed to be going really well. she started acting a little "off" around august of last year, I asked if things were going OK and she said she thought she was having a pre-mid life crisis. I tried to get more information but she was just very vague. She said she thought things were kind of stale, but I didn't fully understand that. We both have great jobs, a healthy and happy toddler, and a great house. Our marriage has been smooth sailing so I wasn't sure what she was insinuating.
Well a month or so later she was being very secretive with her phone and she finally told me she was seeing a counselor, and she didn't want to tell me because she thought I would be judgmental about this. I told her if she thought this is what she needed I was all for that. I asked her if I should go to the counselor with her or if there was anything I could do to help and she insisted that it was just something with her; not with us or with me. she even told me at one point she needs me to stop focusing on "us" and start focusing on "her" I respectfully told her if she had something going on then WE have something going on.
Well fast forward to the end of the year and she finally sits me down and basically says she doesn't feel important to me, she needs me to pursue her. Well I started doing all of those things, because I realized how important that was to her. I told her how appreciative I was of her telling me that info. I did everything she asked and more. I thought this would help us. Well at the beginning of the year she told me she thought divorce was an option. This blind sided me because I had no idea she was this unhappy with things. We took a trip a week before that and things seemed great. all of the reinforcement she was giving me was positive up to that point. Well for a month we were basically just roommates. She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to see a counselor together, she completely shut me out.
Well February hits and I find out she has been having an emotional affair with someone and it was somewhat physical. I found this out, she didn't tell me. She told me she loved the guy and I couldn't love her like he does. This was 3 months ago and things have somewhat improved but she is still very resentful towards me and she seems very unremorseful about the things she has done. She still thinks divorce is an option and she has said she has been giving me a chance since December (before I found out any information and before she ended the affair). I unfortunately did the begging and pleading at first, but now I'm trying to show more self confidence and self respect with my actions and behaviors.
One of the things my wife has said is how she doesn't trust me and how I don't understand or respect her feelings. She thinks she has been pretending to be this person she isn't for so long and she blames me for this. She thinks she had to be this person to make me happy and I didn't care about that. I told her I didn't know she felt this way, I want her to be her, not be someone she thinks she is supposed to be. What I don't understand is she never said anything to me about this, ever. I know I am a part of this issue and my failure to notice things played a part, but ever since she has opened up to me I have been nothing by understanding, sympathetic, encouraging, and loving, even when she is disrespectful and hateful towards me. i'm definitely not smothering her anymore. There have been some good days and some bad days, I just don't understand how this person who has always adored me has become so bitter and resentful towards me. It's like I am being punished for crimes I never knew I was committing. My actions since I have found out everything should show her how much I care and love for her. She questions me on all of this, but I want to scream that she is the one who had an affair, not me. If you honestly looked at how we are behaving towards each other you would think I was the one who cheated on her, and i'm the one who is to blame for everything.
On a side note, I think the emotional affair has played a huge part in this. I embarrassingly enabled her to continue talking with this guy for about a month after I found out, but I have since told her if she talks with him again then I am leaving and then I am going to go talk with him. I still don't think she has completely let the thoughts of that guy go, and I think some of her resent is from me ruining her fairy tale with this guy. I get consumed by the day to day thoughts of everything, but sometimes I take a step back and I'm just like how in the world did this happen? My wife never gave me any negative reinforcement with what I was or wasn't doing. I know it sounds cliché but never in a million years would I imagine this is where we are at. Everyone who knows her is just speechless about what she has done and what she is doing.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Kem. Sorry you are here mate. You are in good company. You will get good advice here so keep posting and ask questions. Post on other threads and others will chip in. I feel your pain. I too have a WW as well. Like you when she bd'ed I was devistated. Read the links cadet posted. They are a gold mine of information. Pay particular attention to sandi2's threads on the wayward wife. It will help. They say around here it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Be prepared for the long haul. Good luck.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks Cadet and NDY. NDY, looks like your BD was about 3 months before mine. I am definitely in it for the long haul. Luckily this situation has helped me mature as a man and it has definitely renewed me relationship with the Lord. I try to focus on the positive things that happen, but they easily get overshadowed when I think we have taken a step back.
I constantly say I know I won't understand my WW behavior, it's still hard for me to accept that. It's just still so shocking to me that all of this has happened. I'm so thankful to have found this site.
She meets with our marriage counselor on Thursday and I will go on Friday; I am praying this is the right counselor for our situation. She has been seeing a counselor on her own and I have my doubts on how beneficial that has been.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
I'm still having a hard time accepting her emotions are going to be all over the place. She seemed to be in a good mood yesterday and seemed to be somewhat seeking out my attention, but I leave and then come home from a meeting and she just seems annoyed at me and thinks what we are doing is a waste of time. She doesn't want to talk about anything, but she gets angry that I'm not bringing anything up about our situation. I bring stuff up and then she gets annoyed that I'm trying to solve our problem.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
I'm still having a hard time accepting her emotions are going to be all over the place. She seemed to be in a good mood yesterday and seemed to be somewhat seeking out my attention, but I leave and then come home from a meeting and she just seems annoyed at me and thinks what we are doing is a waste of time. She doesn't want to talk about anything, but she gets angry that I'm not bringing anything up about our situation. I bring stuff up and then she gets annoyed that I'm trying to solve our problem.
Like cadet says. 180 that right away. No R talks. Don't try to 'Fix' anything. She doesn't want to be 'Fixed'. Don't argue, don't contradict. If she wants to talk then validate (the validation cheat sheet is in cadets links).
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Kembo, keep posting and keep breathing. You can get through this.
First thing, get a DB coach. The service is listed at the top of this page. Trust me, you need someone in your corner to help you navigate. Don't tell your W. Just do it. Oh- call from a different phone other than your cell, if she sees an unknown number and google searches it she'll come right to this site and may find your posts. Don't let her find this site. Clear your browser, preferably use a computer she doesn't have access to.
Agreed with Cadet. Read Sandi's rules daily (sticky on newcomer's thread). It sounds like you've read them at some point, but now make them habit.
And detach. Stop trying to anticipate her mood. Your W is like an addict, or a 3 year old child. You don't let their moods control your feelings and behavior or you will get walked on. You have to grow up in maturity like 400% through this process, so start right now.
As for your sitch, I'd recommend focusing on your behavior. In your first post you talk a lot about the 'why's', feeling you never were told, this can be fixed, how could she, etc, etc, etc. I don't have time to reply to all that, it's very normal to feel this way. But at this moment you need to get past your pain and confusion.
You should be focusing on a few things. Detaching. 180s- areas you've identified that aren't your best self (to see this you have to understand her pain which means seeing past yours, I don't know you've done this...you can talk it, but you can't feel it because you don't get it). GAL activity. And observing the general rules above. That with some coaching, and of course read the DR/DB books.
Yes, that's a lot to do, but maybe it can be your GAL activity? Hang in, get through today.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm definitely an over-analyzer. She lost it on me a couple of weeks ago because I wasn't bringing any of our issues up, she said she was so exhausted from pretending like everything is OK and then she gets annoyed if I do bring anything up. I guess I just have to accept nothing I do is going to make her happy right now?
I should just talk about R when she brings things up, right? I have been working on the validation. It just seems she expects me to bring up stuff but then it's like immediate annoyance. Sounds like I am answering my own question...
Me:32 Her:29 M:5 Daughter:2 BD: 2014/2/13
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
