Hello all! let me break down my story and hope and pray that there is still some hope for a reconciliation for me and xw. she was my highschool sweetheart, we moved in together at a very young age, I made every possible mistake a person can ever make,machismo, egotistical,very self absorbed, not understanding of her needs, jealous. I developed an addiction to a powdery substance and it took a whole lot from her, but she remained loyal and faithful to our marriage. physical abuse in the start of the marriage, but again she stayed through and endured the extreme toxic relationship I had with myself. Slowly over time things became better, then her brother committed suicide after coming back from Iraq, it is then when things on her part started to move in a different way, I was not very supportive of her when she needed me to be, her brother died and I was like whatever, I'm ok with death, never had a problem with it, I understand you grieve then move on, she was still crying and hurting for over 2 years, I would tell her to stop crying already, it's time to move on, he was mentally ill and there was nothing we could do. She kicked me out for a week telling me that if I didn't get my act together and sober up that it was over, I GOT THE MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR!!! I sobered up and was clean for a year and a half when slowly things in my mind were not feeling normal. I would get angry for no apparent reason, find any excuse to rage and do very impulsive things but she hung in there and I also did what I could to figure out why I was acting this way, I also started to try and "fix" the grieving process with her brothers death, I tried buying her gifts, doing more around the house, making dinners, even losing 40 lbs to look better for her and I still felt alone. I still was being selfish in retrospect.All she wanted me to do was sit there and listen to her without fixing anything, just a shoulder to cry on and a man to take care of her while she grieved. well that didn't happen, I had an affair and felt so horrible after that I ended up telling her about it thinking it was the right thing to do and she didn't deserve the awful things I had done. i moved out and then tried to fix the problems within myself. We were working things out and actually started dating each other until I had another blow up at my parents home. the next day she told me she was done and can no longer take my BS and that it was over. it was my bday. I didn't know how to react and had an incredible urge to just end it all, I told her she would find my body at the oak tree where we would occasionally go hiking and rest, as I was preparing my rope, I heard something in the bushes and I looked up it was her. she came to save my life screaming that she loved me to please stop, I listened to her and then I knew it was a trick to stall me while help arrived, I heard the sirens and then proceeded to jump. the police cut me off the tree and I was sent to a hospital, i called her that night from the hospital saying i was sorry that i had done all those horrible things and that i was sorry for being a terrible husband. she told me that i wont like whats coming to me. when i was released a restraining order was waiting for me, i was again devastated. i found out at the hospital and was diagnosed with 2 mental illnesses, intermittent explosive disorder and mood disorder. I had just found out the root cause of my problems and the main reason why i was the way i was all these years. I told her and she said wow, i guess that explains a lot. it's been a year and a half now and i am making some very deep and profound changes in my life to be a better person, father and hopefully with the grace of god her H again. she has recently commented to our D that she has seen so many changes in me and that she wont mind being my friend. Fantastic! would like more, keeping in my on the extreme impact of hurt that i had made to her and my little girl. she has made 2 or 3 comments that give are positives but all while remaining strong and adamant on never recociling. I have learned so much about myself, what my defects were, are and what i did wrong in my M. There is this gut feeling in my core that if just given this 1 last opportunity I know i wouldn't blow it. I KNOW I WOULDNT!! is there any hope at all?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
RS - you should post in the newcomer board. there is way more traffic there.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
