Like many others, I came across this board when my situation first started, have been lurking while learning along the way, and am now finally at a point where I'm ready to bring my own life out into the open so to speak.
For my part, while we've had ups and downs as most do, I never saw THIS coming. This seems to be standard issue for LBS from my reading thus far, and I feel better knowing I’m not alone. The shock in this situation I have felt has been echoed by every single person who is now aware of what’s occurring, including both of our parents, our siblings (or mine at least), and all of my close friends. The unhappiness it seems was hidden well.
We've had a lot of good times along the way, but W and I have been in what I'd been calling a 'rut' for maybe 12-18 months, and as I've now learned she was most likely detaching this entire time while I assumed things would fix themselves in due time.
At this point, she has been living with her parents for about 6 weeks. It started off as a few days to just get away, and about a week later it turned into needing space to “clear her head”. This lasted for 3 weeks (she at her parents, me in our house) and when we finally sat down to have a temp check she simply stated she had an answer and it was not the one I wanted to hear. She compared me to a platonic friend, says that she loves me but is not in love with me, and that something has been “off” ever since we began dating and that we should never have married. When i asked her to explain this, she claimed to have been “caught up in the moment of getting married”.
Of course, I did the expected during our 3 week "giving space experiment", meaning I smothered her with texts and pictures of happier days, made a lot of claims as to how things could be different, that we could fix this, etc. #FAIL. She was not overly distant during this period however, and we talked every day and continued with ILU and other endearments throughout the day on phone calls and text messages.
As a bit of background, she started a new job in early 2014, at which time I was downward spiraling with my own job and unhappiness, and the end result here was that I did not engage her new career move like a husband should. I firmly believe this was the start of the pulling away. I see now I was likely somewhat depressed during this time, focused only on myself, and therein lies my major role in the demise of our M.
Now, 14 months later for her, I’m 10 months in a new job as well (which did not give me the happiness I was seeking FWIW) and she is overwhelmed with work, spending easily 50 or 60 hours each week trying to stay afloat. Very little time left on her side for anything related to our relationship, and no noticeable change in my level of career happiness or contentment.
There are many other details which will probably come out in due time, but I now believe I failed to help keep my portion of the R alive as we both started along our own new paths career-wise. In addition to this, I pushed back on having kids for the majority of our relationship, and while I’m now genuinely ready for that (and was for at least 6 months before this happened), she has decided I’m only at that point now because not having them would mean losing her. I think that’s relevant, but exactly how yet I’m not sure.
I’ve read DB, 5LL, and I’ve learned from reading here that this is out of my control in many (if not all) ways. I've realized at this point we talked a fair amount in our years together, but were very much not communicating with each other. I can give very solid examples of how our LL’s are different and how once I stopped speaking hers, she in some ways pulled further away.
I do not believe there is EA, and almost certainly no PA. I have no reason to think there is either and have never been suspicious of such. I realize anything is possible, but my gut says no way, this is about her and her alone. In an odd way that alone makes this both easier and much harder.
So - background over, I’ve started to GAL at this point. I quit smoking (which was also a large point of contention between us) and have been exercising daily (2 of the goals I’ve set for myself). I’ve been making plans as I can with friends, have decided to get EMT certification (more on this later), and have ceased all R talk at this point.
I’ve been truthful to her with my emotions at times, but have not tried to stop her from moving out since the day after she decided she couldn’t try any more. I’ve accepted the situation, and have realized I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at my M failing. I’ve told her all of this as well.
We have honestly not yet had 24 hours without contact of some fashion, mostly text and calls. We’ve had lunch several times, and as she is in the process of packing to move out we have had some time together at the house. It’s all been very cordial, and in many ways we’ve talked and just hung out more in the last few weeks than we had in the months leading up to this. I dare say it’s been enjoyable in fact, getting back to our roots as friends before lovers. D has been mentioned several times, but to the best of my knowledge has no traction yet.
I very much want to reconcile at this point, but realize my old M is over (thanks to this forum). I genuinely think her moving out is the first step to a new relationship beginning, but now as I see her things piling up around the house in boxes I’m starting to get scared that once she’s gone, with no kids or any other reason to keep us in contact she may never return.
I have some other details I can add, journaling from the last few weeks, etc, but will wait and post those separately as this is a LONG first post. I just wanted as much background out here as possible.
I also want to go ahead and say thank you to everyone who’s posting here - I’ve gained much insight, and simply reading what others are going through and the responses here has been very therapeutic for me in my situation.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Welcome jedi. I can tell you've been lurking because you've already added a signature. My guess is you've read many of my posts.
For now I only have one bit of advice...GET A DB COACH. You simply cannot do this without one. Maybe maybe maybe if you were in a no contact situation you could grow at your own pace...but it wouldn't be optimal. But when you are in contact, there will be MANY situations that come up beyond your ability to solve. Many of them will be permanent life altering decisions. Even if you would have done everything the way they advise, it helps to know you have someone seconding those opinions. And I PROMISE you they will be an invaluable resource for sorting out these feelings, and knowing how to put your best foot forward.
I say this to everyone, but for some reason not many people follow through. Let me ask- have you ever had anyone say they regret spending the money on a DB coach? Probably not. But there are many people with regrets about how they handled themselves at times. Don't be one of them!
OK, I'll stop hard selling now. Breathe, have faith, and may the force be with you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus/TB: thanks for your input. I assumed at some point someone would recommend this, and I've looked into it but nothing further. And I can hear the further response: "why not, what do you have to lose / is this not worth trying everything?!?" And yes, it's worth trying everything to me, so I have no excuse. I personally just came to the conclusion today that perhaps IC would be worthwhile, although I think it's more for another ear to listen more than "help" at this point". I try to keep from monopolizing my time with friends with what's happening as much as a I can DB coaching is perhaps just the next step for me in my thought process, not far from IC at this point but knowingly totally different. I will seriously take this into consideration, this I promise.
I think, for better or for worse, I keep telling myself that while this sitch is bad (moving out is clearly full speed ahead), at the same time I can still see in her eyes not all is lost. and that gives me hope, and a feeling of time heals all wounds, gives clarity, space is going to help, and true alone time for her will help her process this as I have. In all reality, I've had 6 weeks of alone time, life goes on, no change in life or routine with the exception of her not being in it. For her part, while she has been away from myself and our M, and that staying with her parents is likely comforting to some degree, she has not yet even scratched the surface of what being truly alone and self reflection has to offer. Or at least that's my opinion.
As for Cadet's homework, I've seen that welcome post enough times that I'm probability way ahead, but reviewing is never going to hurt.
11 months, wow. Seems so far away to me at the moment, but I know that's a drop in the bucket for most of the folks here. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but here's to detachment: <insert beer emoticon>
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
We have been slowly splitting our financial lives over the last few weeks, started by me. I had been paying almost all of the bills, so she’s taken back her car payment, looked into getting separate insurance, etc. I changed passwords, email address on utilities, my financial accounts, etc. We decided after her initial looking not split car insurance right now, as we have a multi line discount so it’s cheaper for her if we leave it as is. She will just pay hers when it’s due and I pay mine, but accounts stay linked. Today I went to split the cell phones, but I was told I needed to basically pay off my hardware before I could split the account. Her response when I got back and told her this was “You didn’t do that did you? We can take turns paying for now”. I had not done it, and am not sure at this point what I will do.
Long story short, we need to start to split these things and others at some point, but neither of us feels any real harm in not doing so immediately. Unclear what that means, cause it’s all mind reading if I try. We haven’t truly discussed if this is going to be a legal separation, or just the road to D, and quite honestly I’m not going to ask. I won’t stop her from D at this point, but I am not going to help her get there either.
In terms of her finalizing the move this coming weekend, I have all along said I was happy to help her in any way she needed. I reiterated again today when she arrived that I was happy to help her as needed, packing or moving, and then left to go run a few errands. When I got back, and about an hour into her further packing with me here, I realized it was a lot harder on me emotionally than I thought it would be. I helped disassemble the spare bed (which is hers) and had strong deja vu with the beginning of our relationship, as I had driven her to IKEA 2 hours away to buy said bed almost 8 years ago. I told her all of this, and that as much as I wanted to help I was no longer sure I could keep it to together emotionally. She echoed my sentiment about this being hard, and I acknowledged that this was no easier for her than it was for me as we both stood in the kitchen tearing up. She made mention that she didn’t want even her parents to help her move and just wanted to do the entire thing all alone. I told her that I’d clearly mentioned i was willing to help half a dozen times, realized i was almost being pushy about it now, and that I would shut up and let her decide how she wanted that day to go.
Later on we ended up sitting on the back porch having a beer and just discussing the coming week’s work schedules, plans, and caught up on how friends and family are doing. I made mention that it’s been nice the last few weeks just enjoying time together for a change, to which she jokingly and with a smile said “yeah, it’s been ok”. In W speak that means she agree’s but is dodging emotion with humor. This is important because on more than one occasion previously I made mention of feeling as though we had nothing to talk about anymore, and I was clearly wrong.
Also at some point I asked if she was still feeling unsettled about work being so busy, and her response was “I’m unsettled with every aspect of my life right now”. I think there’s a part of her that wants to leave everything behind and move away, far away, and escape this and whatever else she’s going through. it’s almost MLC, but I don’t think advanced enough to really be called that.
It may also help to note that after each in person contact we’ve had, whether at a weekday lunch or evenings / weekends at the house, when it’s time to leave there are hugs freely given. I was the initiator before today, but was never awkward IMO and seemed freely reciprocated. She initiated it before leaving today twice (I was not going to, after really considering how to start to detach / act as if). She also sent me a text this evening saying after having been here the last two days packing and being around our house, our stuff, and our two cats that it must have been really hard for me lately and that she was sorry for this. I told her it was in fact hard, but no apology necessary.
Also, over the last two weekends i’ve been out with friends at bars and doing whatever, which she has been aware of. In both cases she txt me in the evening with something like “I know it’s none of my business but let me know when you’re home safe please?”.
This is getting lengthy, but the point of it is that I take all of this as indications that some level of love and affection is still there, and that just furthers my gut feeling that once she’s out and has time to truly be alone the road back may become apparent to her, perhaps even somewhat quickly. However, I’m telling myself that this is not a given, and I'm still looking at this from the standpoint of being open to reconciliation, hoping for it in fact, but still trying to prepare for D and do things for me and not for our M.
I’ve told both my parents and her parents (over a somewhat lengthy phone call) that I’ve not given up, but firmly believe she has to leave before anything has any hope of changing/moving towards R again. Everyone more or less agrees, and everyone would rather see this work out than not, so I have that going for me here as well. In fact, the words W used were “there’s no sides here per se but if there were my parents are more on yours than mine”.
All of this is hard, and confusing since there doesn’t seem to be any ill feelings, animosity, fighting etc. I also have people asking me how she can ever truly feel loss with me being the way I am now (friends?), and I get that. I’m just not sure we are at the point in this process where going dark is going to help this.
Like most I would love to start piecing now, but as I’ve read several times, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Jed. Sorry you here but the vets can be tremendous help and others can offer moral support. I think all sitchs have hope and yours is no different. My feeling is your aw feels the way she does. Right or wrong she has made choices for her. Time will tell if she made the right decision or not but regardless you have your homework from cadet and my advice would be to see a DB coach if that's logistically possible or else get yourself and I/C or L/C We all need professional help to work through this and maybe other issues.
Post often because people will chime in. Take care. Rd
This last post seems to be you trying to build a case that this isn't happening. She still has feelings for you, she doesn't know what she's doing, she's not talking D and splitting phone bills, she's been ok getting along with you and hasn't pulled away, etc. You seem to have made up your mind she's going through a phase and will miss you once she's had some time to realize you're not around for her, then she'll come back and it will all be better again.
I get denial. I get this is beyond your ability to wrap your head around. But at least reread your post and try to see what I see. Did your W feel you minimized her opinions, emotions, and needs during the R? Because what I see is her saying "Even though I love you I can't live my life without being heard", and you replying "hm, you seem upset for some reason? Separation? K. Go for a while and let me know when you've calmed down and are normal again"...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
