This is tougher than I imagined..

[Cherry]

Okay, some of you may have seen my post on the newcomer board. In a nutshell- it came about my H had a physical affair.
Although we are now in piecing, and I am glad about that. While he was off stuck in his fog- I did a lot of working on me. And while we have been working hard at this. I feel he gets annoyed when I bring this up. If I have a question, although he will answer as he says I have every right to know- he says he just wants to forget this ever happened and that he has learnt his lesson.
The thing is I'm starting to find this really tough some days. I get images of him touching her or kissing her and it makes me physically sick. I don't know how I move along from this. But it is hard, and the way he carries on sometimes like it never happened makes me feel that I want to walk. And while I know inside that I do want to be with him- this hurts.
I had in my head when he kept saying how he wants to be the perfect husband to me- that he would be surprising me, or being sweet with me and trying his best. But it literally is just like its never happened..

[Elly4]

Hi Cherry, I saw your post on my thread and came over here to see what was going on. I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. Sometimes it would be nice if it would be easy...but then I do know that if it's easy, it's not as worthwhile.

I am not a vet on this so will just give my two cents. Has he ever truly owned up for his betrayal and his part of what caused your marriage to falter? I know that you have done a great amount of work to find out who the best Cherry is. Has he done any work to find out his best side? Are you two going to counseling together?

I think he needs to understand that there needs to be trust rebuilt in your relationship and in order to do that communication of what went wrong needs to happen. Maybe set a time each day that you both check in and talk honestly? Set it for 15 or 20 minutes and then move on.

I think it is perfectly natural that you would be thinking along the lines of your images if you're not allowed to process what happened.

I wish I could give you a physical hug right now. I can tell you that I have faith that you will get through this time too. You have so much strength and love in you that you will figure out what's best for you and your child.

*hugs*
E

[Painter]

Hi Cherry!

It sounds like we are in very similar places. I have finally been able to get OW for the most part out of our bedroom. I did it by reclaiming it - frequently.

This may seem totally crazy, but I also plan on doing a sage burning in the whole house to cleanse it for negative energy.

And I really recommend MC. We go weekly to a DB counselor and it helps me organize my thoughts and concerns and present them there instead of ambushing H on a frequent basis. When we go to MC, he is prepared for uncomfortable conversations and knows that they have a limit. He expressed in our last session that he appreciates how I have backed off and that it helps him be more open.

[Painter]

Oh, I read a really interesting article about how our memories and feelings function.

The premise is that our thoughts and perceptions create our feelings, which in turn creates memories. Strong feelings create strong memories (Where were you on 9/11? Most people remember this in great detail.)

A thought that triggers a memory that has an emotional attachment will cause a physical/chemical reaction in the body. Think about being traumatized - you see or hear something that reminds you of the traumatic experience, a car of the same type or color as the one who hit you, a person who reminds you of an attacker, a gun - and boom - adrenalin is released, causing your heart to start racing, palms sweating, your legs shake, your breath gets fast, etc. Or you see someone who looks like your beloved grandfather, and feel a surge of warmth, love, comfort, joy. Another chemical reaction.

The point of this article - which was about overcoming an affair - was that we have 90-120 seconds from when we see or think about something emotional until the chemical reaction starts. It is supposedly possible to consciously interrupt the process and replace the thought with another thought, in order to change the chemical reaction and subsequent emotional experience/reinforcement.

In our case, it would be to look at H, have a thought about OW, but quickly replace the thought with a positive thought - a memory that places H in a positive context. This should, according to the author, change the outcome, and if you do it repeatedly, it can become automatic.

I find this kind of stuff fascinating!

[Cherry]

Eirinn, thanks for swinging buy.. In a sense no he hasn't really admitted his part- he just makes out that we hadn't made time for one another the way that we used to. Throughout this process, I've noticed although he likes to come across as a strong man- he is incredibly needy in the sense he needs a lot of attention- he likes to feel useful- desired listened to. He is willing to talk to me, but it's just he sees it as a mistake and wants to forget it ever happened- but as I tell him over and over, he completely broke my trust. He lost his virginity to me- so he can no longer say he's only slept with me, which is a big deal to me.

Painter- thanks for stopping by. Sorry to hear you are in a similar place. Intimacy hasn't been too much of an issue for us neither. That is really interesting about the psychology- I have read into a few things like this. He has said previously that if I wanted to go to MC he would.. I guess my issue is he just wants to act as though nothing has happened and I want to avoid these things happening again. Also I would say I am a jealous person- obviously I've had to learn to deal with this whilst he was in his fog- but now I find it difficult and feel like he should be doing all he can to redeem himself- but he isn't

[Painter]

Since he is willing to go to MC, I would go. Just make sure you find a good MC who is pro-marriage. Our MC was trained by Michelle and will do everything she can to preserve our M, which not all counselors will do.

It sounds like he has work to do on himself.

Were you both each other's first? I honestly don't know if that would make a difference if you weren't... H and I married when we were 45 and 37, he had been married several times before and I had a teenage son from a previous relationship - so obviously not each other's first. It still felt extremely intrusive, violating and all the other feelings that come with broken trust. I think that when you enter into an exclusive relationship like M, it's like you start over and anything you did before, doesn't matter.

[Cherry]

I was his first, but he wasn't mine- I'd had a couple of partners before him.. It does feel intrusive as you say how you have your last first kid and yada yada, but I can say that and he can't. When I expressed this to him- he just dismisses that the A meant nothing so that still stands. I think he does need to do some growing up. He says he can't cope with the guilt he feels that he's been the man he always hated and how he has hurt me. But talk is cheap and he does need to find a way to address this productively.

[Fogg]

Hows everything going Cherry?

[Elly4]

Hi Cherry, I've seen you post on my thread, and just wanted to check in with you. How's it going for you?

You're in my prayers,
E

[kippz]

Yes, Cherry. Curious, how's it going?

[Cherry]

We have good days and bad. Sometimes he is willing to do everything he can to prove he is dedicated to our marriage. Others, he seems distant and tells me how he feels guilty for what he's done. But he just thinks as it meant nothing to him- it means nothing to me and I'm not hurt. I feel I have done soul searching and found and am the best version of me- but he is reluctant to change anything about him. It hurts as I feel sometimes we can't talk about what happened without him getting angry (albeit at himself, but that obviously impacts me when he gets in a mood). I also find it difficult if he says he is going to go out of an evening (he hasn't yet- but it's a friends birthday soon), as I honestly don't trust him anymore. He is the only person I trusted due to a history of abuse- and now I don't think I fully trust him at all

[Zephyr]

I am so glad you are still posting cherry! I didn't realize you had a thread over here.

Forgiveness is a big deal and he has maybe not earned that yet. You have been through a lot. So as he, but you both have more to do. I am thinking that at some point there will have to be some kind of work on the ability for you to be able to communicate with each other better.

Trust in each other will have to be there for real honest communication to happen. Without that resentment will continue to build. I am sorry that o have zero idea how to get there from here, I do know that He and you Both will have to want to get to that point or else it just can't happen.

Have you laid out a transparency plan? How has that been going?

Have you guys been attending any Mc sessions or infidelity workshops or anything?

We are still Here for you, hoping for your happiness!

[Elly4]

Cherry, I so know what you're talking about with the trust issue. When my H told me that we were getting a D, I felt betrayed and have been having a rough time with the trust thing due to my background as well. In the beginning, before DBing, I mentioned my loss of trust due to this sitch and he said, "so the last 23 years did nothing?" He's been with me this long and still doesn't get it.

*hugs*
E

[Cherry]

We haven't been to any MC yet.. It is on the cards. The transparency is going good I think- he always leaves his phone now- though I admit for the first time ever- I snoop. We have regular date nights and make a lot of time for each other communicating etc. I realise I have a LOT of anger built up.. Mainly towards ow.

[T384]

Cherry,

You two really need to get into MC. Piecing was very difficult for me and we tried to skip out on MC. Needless to say I found myself very close to another BD. committing to MC was what really helped us get where we are today.

[Zephyr]

Hi cherry, thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

[Fogg]

Cherry, update? Hope things are going well for you and H.

[Cherry]

Hi guys sorry I haven't been on here in ages. I lost my log in and life took over.

How is everyone getting on?

I'm finding it tough some days, it's that place we all want to get to. And when we do it's hard. I feel like he is just acting like nothing happened. He gets quite angry and says how it was all a mistake with ow.

I found out he wants to get in touch with her to get her forgiveness and say get on with her life and he will get on with his. He says this is because the guilt hangs over him knowing she's cursing him. Truth is, I haven't forgiven him fully. And I feel like he should be focused on me- that's selfish but I had images of a grovelling man saying he'd do anything. And he did, he's even cried to me begging me not to ever leave him. But then other days I just feel so unbelievably lonely- like I'm worthless. I explain this to him but he says just because he isn't affectionate doesn't mean he doesn't love me and that I demand too much out of him.

[Zephyr]

Hey Cherry,

glad you checked in!!!

Sounds like there is still A LOT of healing left to do.
Loneliness, betrayal and lack-of-trust are all to be expected still.

have you guys been doing any sort of Post-Affair Marriage Counseling over the last bunch of months. This is for you, him AND the marriage.

Still wishing you the best!!!

[Cherry]

No we haven't, I don't even think he would be willing too- whenever it's mentioned he just says how we don't need it

[Zephyr]

Hmmm, why don't you tell him that You need it.

This ordeal has been so hard on you that it has been difficult at best to move forward. Tell him that you understand his reluctance, but you need the healing. You were the one who was injured. You were the one who feels like this is being swept under the rug.

Tell him that this is not to punish him. Just you at uncomfortable the way that there has been no real closure and growth that is necessary for both of you moving forward from his affair.

It is really important to have help in this and not just let things not get worked out.

[kippz]

good to hear from you Cherry. It's an uphill climb for my H and I as well. Sometimes, we backslide.

i hope things work out and hoping your marriage will soon get to where you want it to be.

[Cherry]

Thank you. Yeah it really is an uphill climb. Some days we seem good. Others, well I think my anxiety creeps in. I over read every signal. Or I miss the romantic days of how he used to pull me close and make me feel the most incredible woman. When I talked to him about this, he pointed out that I concentrate on what he doesn't do- I don't think of what he does do. And he is right with that.
I must admit I feel I'm slipping back into bad old habits. I've started more GAL activities. And I guess although we need our us time- I need him to see the strong woman again.

[Fogg]

Good to hear from you Cherry. I agree with what the others said and I think you both need professional help navigating through this difficult time.

I'm concerned with many of the things hes said when you try to talk about things or get help. I'm not sure what you should exactly do but I don't think sweeping things under the rug will be healthy for either of you in the future.

Keep us updated and good luck.

[MrBond]

You need to see a MC right away. I haven't seen a couple yet who have gotten back together and made it last without it. You need someone who will help you navigate through those turbulent waters. Over time, those bad thoughts will fade away.

[T384]

Cherry, I again will echo what others are saying. MC helped tremendously in more ways than one during piecing for us. Please make a point of it

[Cherry]

You're all right.. I have a post on the newcomers board. Looks like I belong there again.


I don't think I have the strength to do this again