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Originally Posted By: vge1
Hello my friends.
... So, first. Treatment is going well. PRAISE BE TO GOD!! The Lord is so merciful and extremely gracious. My oncologist is very happy with the progress.

THIS IS WONDERFUL news. You've done it before ... keep going vge

Originally Posted By: vge1
H still weird.

Yup, he will be. Has no respect for the wishes of others - even the kids! He is struggling internally & therfore would be extremely selfish & self serving ( I have a 'gem' wink here myself)

Originally Posted By: vge1
On a new note, someone has come into my life again.

This could 'work out' ... eventually! grin The others are right though re: emotional stuff right now. It is 'tempting, 'feel good stuff' I know ... feels like 'therapy' in its own way!!!

I am all for casting your net & increasing your SOCIAL contacts (even beneficial re: aging well). However, you need to give yourself a little more time - esp. where a more complex sitch, by it's very nature, may become 'part of the emotional equation.' Don't add even more to the dynamic just yet - try to streamline & simplify first. It will work out if it is to be. smile (((vge)))


pbetra
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M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

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This is good news. God is good.

I am so pleased for you.


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Hi everybody.

Thank you for the sage advice. Definitely taken, appreciated and considered. :-)

I received results of my latest CT Scan - The chemo is working!!!! Yippee!! I was really worried (though I shouldn't be) that I would have to switch the chemo. I don't want them to change it cuz so far, I feel okay and don't have any of the other side effects so I was praying that it was working. However, my platelets were high and my WBC and RBC counts too low so another week of no therapy so my blood corrects itself.
Just wanting this cancer to be gone and I want to be healthy!

As far as the NG/OG no worries everybody. He and I had lunch on the day he was flying back to his hm. We were light in conversation for a while until I started to get him to really think about what he wants for the future. I wasn't talking about "us" cuz that's not what's happening right now. He knows very well that I am in the middle of weirdville with H. NG and I have spoken a few times since he went back hm but nothing serious. Just friendly conversations. So y'all don't worry.

On the other hand - H - UGH!!!! Really! Breathe!

The last time I spoke to my atty - she said I wouldn't have to worry about OW cuz my atty and H atty said I don't need the stress. Well, that lasted like a nano second.

Next week my H is taking our children to the beach with OW and her children and some of their friends. My children and I feel so beaten down. H is soo persistent. It's like he just throws a tantrum and we get tired so then we give in. UGH!! UGH!! UGH!

Three of my children kinda agreed to the beach thing since they figure they really don't need to be around OW, they could just enjoy the beach. However, my youngest said no - not going. Well, I told my children that it really has to be a consensus, otherwise it's a no. But none of us want to deal with H attitude and tantrum, so our youngest is being convinced (coerced) practically everyday that this beach thing will be happening for all of them. Poor thing - really has no say. :-(

H uses our oldest child as the messenger. I said that dad should be talking to me so please let "dad" know that he needs to go through me to check dates, times, arrangements, etc.

Last week, H called and said he'd pick up the children on Sat then drive to the beach early Sun and return Mon afternoon. I asked where would our children be staying on Sat since they're not leaving til sun.
H said, "they'll be staying with us." I asked "where?"
H said, at OW home. (In my mind, I'm flipping out!)
I said, No cuz the order says the children can't be spending the night at OW hm. I suggested my in-laws hm or H could keep children late Sat and pick up super early on Sun.

H NOT HAPPY! H says, "it's always something."

I told H that I know he cares about OW but he's not considering our children's feelings. H denied that he's not considering them. I told H that if children are upset - H get's upset. If children or I say no - H gets upset. If children uncomfortable - H gets upset. It's like we all are walking on eggshells so he won't be mad.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I ask my children if they are uncomfortable or whatever, to tell dad cuz if they only tell me, then it seems that I'm telling my children how to feel. Which I am not~ I just want their feelings to be considered. Especially now..with so many things going on.

H has this attitude that we should all get over it and get used to him being with OW. My children are frustrated.

Counseling is going ok. They seem to get some of the stuff off their chest but really want to know what to tell their dad when he keeps giving them a guilt trip.

UGH!!!! Right now two of my children are starting to lie - a lot small stuff but nonetheless - lie! I am frustrated that they would resort to this tactic with me. I'm on their side and yet they feel compelled to pull this junk like their dad. It hurts.

I truly hope my children can learn to deal with this...I know they'll be okay but worry about the impact of their dad's actions. Praying for their protection and healing.

Thank you for listening to my rant. And Thanks again for those beautiful thoughts, prayers and support. Y'all are amazing! A true blessing! May God protect your families and bless y'all beyond measure!

In His Love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Just to add.
Today was my youngest's bday. So H takes our child to OW hm so that H could change since he had just come from work. Our child tells H - please dont have OW or her kids around on my bday. H responds that OW & her family are not bad people. Child reiterates discomfort and states again no OW or her kids. H doesn't listen.
H had OW and her kids with my child all day! My child tells me that this bday sucked.

When H dropped off our child back hm - H was driving OW's vehicle with OW and her kids in the car. GRRRR!!!

I was sooo mad that H brings OW to MY house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOO MAD that my child had spend a birthday that was just supposed to be with dad now H snd OW are "a family"? already? without a final divorce paper???

My child wasn't happy but what do we do. I vented to a friend cuz I really don't know what to do now. Just let it slide? What difference would speaking up make.
I'm telling you ....tantrum=he gets what he wants. I want to tell H that it was completely unacceptable what he did to our child. And I can already hear him say that we all need to get over it and just get used to it. GRRRR!

Anyway - feeling frustrated, upset, and lost. Giving this to GOD cuz I don't know what to do with it. It's too much.

Lord help me! Help me to be there for my children. Help me to do and say the right thing. I pray for wisdom and protection.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Hey vge, I’m so glad to hear that the chemo is working! Yay! Keeping you in my thoughts.

I agree on the point that your children need to tell their dad how they feel. I cannot believe your H’s actions though. What an @ss hole! I'm sure that it will come back to haunt him.

I don’t know how old your children are and what the state laws are. Don’t the older once have a say in any of these? Also, if they go to counseling, can their therapist influence what your H can and cannot do? Don’t their feelings count?

vge, hang in there. Stay strong… For you and your children. Sending you lots of love and positive feelings.


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Hi Vge - great news re the chemo, I am so happy for you. Sending you more positive thoughts and prayers for your next round. You are a fighter Vge, Girl Power Ka-Pow!

Originally Posted By: vge1
However, my youngest said no - not going. Well, I told my children that it really has to be a consensus, otherwise it's a no.


Can I ask why it had to be a consensus - giving your youngest an ultimatum "its all or nothing" came from you, making you the one pressuring h/s into going to do something with their d they are not comfortable with - h/s will remember this. I know trying to remain neutral is hard especially when you are up against an evident jackass, however its vital if you are to keep a good relationship with your kids; you really are doing well with them. Your 17 & 16yr old are certainly old enough to communicate with your h on their own, I believe your younger ones are 9 & now 8 - can their therapist help them with communicating their feelings to your h directly?
(sorry if I have got the ages incorrect )

I am so sorry your y did not have a good b/day - I know it's not quite the same but can you have do -over, have a 2nd birthday (Like the Queen of UK, she has 2). I know just how you feel - my sx2 celebrated their 18th and 21st this year and their dad was supposed to take them out for a few beers (especially s18, buy his first "legal" beer) but instead he took them out with ow and her kids for a meal. I missed out on two important milestones to her - so GRRRRRRR away, I am right there with ya !!

As for her coming to the house - hmmm, well not a lot you can do about that, its just inconsideration on your h part. Remember that you don't know what your h has told ow, she is just a clueless pawn in his crazy - I mean, if you think about it, either she does not know the truth about his leaving or she is unhinged herself; to think it's ok to hook up with a married man - so either way (or maybe its both), don't give her the space in your head, she is sooooooo not worth it.

Vge, you are doing really well, this is a minefield which comes with no map of where the bombs are - you are negotiating it with grace, everytime you hit one, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. Your one true amazing lady grin

((hugs)) to you and your kids



Last edited by LouR; 05/16/15 09:51 AM.
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VGE - so good to read your posts and hear how you are doing. I am inspired by you because you keep fighting and praying and focusing on your health and children. Your situation comes with some extra challenges and I can't imagine having to deal with a H who seems especially cruel in his choices right now.

Focus on you and your children. Know you have lots of people cheering you on and praying for your complete and swift recovery. Make the decisions you can from a place of love and let the rest of it be settled some other time.

You are doing great VGE. {{{hugs}}}


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi everyone.

I've been catching up on some of y'all's posts and it helps to read how y'all are so strong. I pray I can be that courageous.

I am scheduled for treatment this wk since last wk i was off. then I have a bone scan on Wed and praying all goes well. Feeling hopeful in spite of the MLC drama. Thank you all of your thoughts and prayers...I so appreciate it.

So here's the catch up.

1) Three of my children went with H & OW & her kids to the beach over the Memorial Day wknd. Youngest didn't want to go since "dad" messed up his bday by spending it with him, OW & her kids. DS8 was so upset.

2) H had asked to have them stay the nite on Sat so they could just go to the beach on Sun and rtrn on Mon. I asked where would they be staying. H said that the children would be spending the nite with him at OW's hm. I said no cuz the orders say no spending the nite with a paramour. H said, "Ugh, it's always something." I also asked what the arrangements were at the beach. H said that he and our children would be in one suite and OW and her kids in another suite.
Of course that was a lie. Children said that all kids on roll out beds and H & OW in their own rm. UGH!

3) My children said they mostly stayed at the beach while OW & H were by the pool. The report of this wknd went to FIL & MIL that the children had fun and have accepted OW. ??Umm.... no.

Then... My wknd was May 30th but H called cuz he wanted our children for half the day on Sat. so that he could take them to a movie at the IMAX (of course with OW & her kids). I said ok cuz on June 6 even though it was his wknd, I needed them bk hm by noon because it was DS16 confirmation into the Catholic church and all the boys needed to get ready. H agreed.

On Tues, during their dad's visit, DS16 told H that he didn't want him at his confirmation to which my H replied that he would be there cuz he's his dad. But DS16 told him, "well, mom is your wife and you didn't want her at your confirmation and she respected your wishes." H and DS16 both upset.

On Wed, our oldest DS18 said that DS16 didn't want to be part of that visit. So it was just three of my sons without DS16. H was upset but told DS18 he didn't know why DS16 was so mad. DS18 responded to defend his brother by restating DS16's wishes. H doesn't listen. H said, "confirmation is a sacrament and doesn't it say honor thy father?!" DS18 said, "yes, it is a sacrament. but when you got confirmed last Nov, you told your wife not to be there but then your girlfriend was there." H said, "well, she wasn't my gf at the time."

Umm. isn't marriage a sacrament? Isn't another commandment not to commit adultery and not to lie either. My DS18 was so stressed out cuz H just deflects from truth. DS18 felt so much pressure and anxiety. He's the voice for all his brothers even though H doesn't listen. It was such a bad thing. H has no respect for any of us. He just does what he wants regardless of what we think or feel.

Anyway, so on Sat, H picked them up (in OW's vehicle with her and her son in it at my house again)...and took our children to breakfast. They dropped off my children at noon but I was returning from the store and as they were driving away, I was driving up.

H asked my oldest , "where's mom?" DS18 replied in front of OW, "I think she's getting her nails done." UGH!!

I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)

So I text H, "thank you for dropping the boys off in time. I was driving up as y'all were driving away. and Just for the record, I wasn't getting my nails done, I was at the store getting a dress shirt and shoes for our sons."

At the confirmation, we don't think H showed up but we don't know. It's a large church so, we're not sure. I even told and showed my SIL (DS's) godparents that my nails weren't done (witness). Otherwise it was a beautiful ceremony and I am so happy and blessed that my son is now "official". :-)

This evening, I text H to ask a quick question, "do you want me to get a six flags pass for you cuz I am getting the passes for the boys and the deal ends today to get a free pkg pass."
I waited an hour then I text again but to his wrk ph.

20 minutes later, he text bk, "vge1, we are not together anymore. I don't need you to get passes, oil change coupons or anything for me."

I repsonded, "H, I know we're not together anymore. That's not what this is about. I don't appreciate the tone either. I was simply asking a question. A simple no would have sufficed."

H - "NO"

Thanks for taking time to read this long update.

His TM and his actions sting. They hurt. I know this stuff shouldn't bother me anymore but it does. He's stupid and mean. I figured that since it was a family pkg of passes (not including me) and since we aren't D yet, all the monies are still coming from the same source. what would it hurt to get the passes with him included.

Why does he have to bring OW to my hm. To My space.

He also encouraged OW to join our YMCA. (Ummm. like no other gym exists!!??!!). I was walking through the gym when I saw H and OW working out. UGH! He saw me. I waved. He waved. SO weird and uncomfortable.

What's he trying to gain? Why is he pushing buttons? I am not responding - I am holding my tongue cuz I don't know what or how to speak my mind.

Can y'all give me some insight? Needing encouragement.

On another note, counselor wants to do a family session with
H and children. But three of my children still don't want him there because they know that if H is there, that he'll probably play along and say what they want to hear but then when he gets them alone, he'll get defensive, turn words around, and give them a guilt trip. He'll also tell his mother(from his perception) about how the children ganged up on him. We know him too well. It won't go as the counselor is planning.

I just see how this is a manipulative game.
My friends tell me to be a b****. I don't know how. I don't have the words.

I'm battling for my life and my family and having this MLC ding dong isn't helping the stress nor his relationship with the boys.

Advise appreciated. Luv y'all!!

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

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Good luck this week! I know you are very concerned about the bone scan and what it will say...but keep positive and have faith. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and pray that you will get some good news.

As for your children, the more your children complain about being around the ow and her kids, the more he's going to try to push her off on them. He wants to make it appear that everyone is on board w/the situation and is one big happy family even when it's not.

Your h has a lot of issues and one of them is guilt and shame for what he's done to you and his family. When you are nice to him, he can't take it because he knows what he is doing is very wrong. He thinks because you were inquiring about the passes that you were trying to remind him of being together and we, of course, understand that the family passes are far cheaper than the regular ones in the long run. I wouldn't worry too much about him and his issues. Your children are speaking up, i.e., loud and clear about things and that has to hit below the belt w/him at times.

As for him bringing the ow to your home, I know you are trying to keep the peace, but you may need to set a boundary and ask that she not be brought there. I do think he's trying to make a point to show you that he's moved on...but he's going about it the wrong way and her presence at your home is disrespectful.

You are handling your situation w/such grace and dignity. Stay the course, but try to keep the focus on you right now.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Vge, Good Luck for Wednesday, I will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts for a good result. You have responded to treatment well so far so stay positive - you so deserve a break.

Originally Posted By: vge1
H asked my oldest , "where's mom?" DS18 replied in front of OW, "I think she's getting her nails done." UGH!!

I showed my son that I didn't get my nails done, that I had instead gone to the store. I asked my DS18 not to tell dad stuff like getting my nails done especially in front of OW cuz then he's gonna report that I am frivolously spending money. (which I don't!)


I don't feel it matters whether you did or didn't get your nails done - its nothing to do with your h or ow what you do, he has made it perfectly clear that you are not together, which means that you are free to do as you please ....just as your h is doing. Vge - If having your nails done would make YOU feel good about YOU then don't feel guilty. ATM your h does not feel guilty about what he does or spends, you are suffering whilst he is having his fun - time to get the focus back on you and inject a little enjoyment into your life, especially while going through treatment; whatever makes you feel good about yourself do it.

I know its really hard and everything that your h does and says has an affect on you, but try to feel it and then let it go otherwise you will end up stuck focusing on the crapola he is sending your way and not on yourself and your kids.

Your kids will be ok, they are doing great, keep being their stability and calm and they will find their own level with h. This is his situation to own and work out with them.

You are an amazingly strong gutsy lady vge, you can do this and I have no doubt you will come out the other side.

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