Part 20 - reassembly instructional

[edz]

Good morning all

The last thread was very nearly locked so here's part 20.

Busy morning and I'll post later especially to reply to the lovely toots comment but for now a quick recap after nearly 10 months, my dealing with my depression and long hard won work rebuilding my r with my son w and I are now in the early stages of piecing and talking about coming back together in m 2.0 as well as a new place to live together.

A ways off yet and many challenges on the way.

Part 20 begins...

[Huddy]

Morning EDZ

Hope you don't mind me stopping by.

Well, that gladens the heart that after all that carnage, something might get rebuilt.

Way to go, good luck!

[rd500]

Good luck with he new thread Edz. I've said before but it needs repeating , slow and steady wins the race. The finish line is in sight and I'm sure I can speak for most on here that we are over the moon for you. For me personally I most pleased for your son because my parents split when I was 11 so I know how I felt

Obviously pleased for you and W as well but don't put Edz on the back burner in 2.0 because the split wasn't all your fault. W has issues that has to be resolved as well

Hope Im not speaking out of line Edz but it's heart felt

Have a good day. Take care. Rd

[edz]

Hi rd

Quick breather this morning (w not here as yet) no won't be putting myself at the bottom of the pile. W and I have spoken about a lot of things. One of those was me being a "wet lettuce" and never standing up for myself or my needs and then our awful lack of communication or at least listening to what each other were saying.

Its early days transitioning from talking to piecing but we will work out what s, w and I need in 2.0

Cheers

[edz]

Morning all

and its a pretty grim one weather wise here today, windy rain and cold...bleuch!

A busy day yesterday and some more movement, some forward - some back but movement nonetheless.

W came round and we went out, a few bits she needed and then we went out to get s some new jeans and bits. A new belt for me (one of mine is now too big) we also decided to get a new multi photo frame to have as we both liked it - we decided to get and set aside for when we move as something together. After getting s's bits we went and had a bite and a coffee/slushy and w investigated getting a new temporary wash basket for while they remain at the flat. W had said she'd be happy to stay for dinner so we popped to get some bits and bobs. S decided to look at the video games / play on the demonstrator while w and I went round the shop. W was delighted to get a go at the scanner (s normally grabs this )

Back to the house and we had some more talking before I started Dinner. W just doesn't feel she relaxes anywhere but her "home" she said that's important for me to know as its not connected to us - its the same for being at her mums, friends, anywhere but where she is at "home" - I agreed I've always know that about her and indeed she was the same when I had a house before we got married. We briefly talked about staying over as it was becoming an elephant in the room and I wanted to defuse. We are doing very well since its only 2 weeks since w said about her "Christmas" timeline but it does get to a point where the question hangs in the air "are you going, want wine?" etc. My viewpoint is I'm trying to not make her feel pushed but just to relax (as above not easy for her here and until her situation with her mum is sorted with me being there) she's also clearly not ready to stay over / share a room and I'm not pushing for that either, we did talk about it being on the timeline before we can move in again though that's not something we could leave until we're moving to a new place.

Before dinner she had started to close down a little and her body language looked defensive. Spoke to her about it and while she denied it was anything serious she did reiterate the above on relaxing, doesn't help I have the kitchen chairs and the sofa no comfy armchairs etc (money / delivery issues and now duplicating too much furniture) we did take a look at possible armchairs but we're agreed really to hold off does make it difficult for her with her back issues though.

Did offer if she was feeling a bit hemmed in she could go and come back for dinner (she had her car) but she didn't want to. Over dinner she asked s did he want to stay with me or come back (saying it was a daft question at the same time) sure enough he stayed here and after dinner w went home.

Good day and progress, felt a little conflicted after s went to bed but only insofar as feeling like I need a small change in direction now - I can carry on with myself and my development no problems but we're now running into a bit of a slowdown while w works on coming back / issues with being outside or expanding her bubble as she puts it.

As we said, we've come a long way and I keep saying that we don't need to rush but I am concious that its hard to keep talking about things (w sent me some rental property links off her own back last night on messaging) without the action looking like pushing forward which is at odds with being patient.

My own thoughts are to back off, lower MY volume and see what w does. If she seems more comfortable that's the way to go. I am wary on two fronts though w wants to see my more decisive side and not "go with the flow" which is in conflict with that and also I don't want to seem unimportant in decisions being made (an old mistake of mine).

Anyway s is still here as w had a bad night and isnt feeling too great so he's chilling out while Im wfh today and I'll get him to do some maths work soon.

Not expecting much more to happen today apart from w picking him up which I expect will be a flying visit (or I'll drop him over which would be the same).

Its the "re-entry" to solo time in the week that's sometimes a little jarring. Used to it now but feels odd after family time together. W and I did talk about this and she agrees when we're out and about and doing things she feels good, its when being in a domestic setting especially at the house that she gets her wobbles. She's working on them, I'll just be patient and validate for now and keep mr fixit under control until he's needed.

Cheers all.

[Huddy]

Hi EDZ

OK, good stuff, but easy do it. I don't really understand this space stuff, but give her a bit more and she'll be back. This sounds really good. Happy for you.

[edz]

Thanks Huddy, I think in a big part its connected with her feeling "suffocated" and also theres no doubt I had co-dependency issues before BD, also connected to my depression.

Its not so much she feels like thats happening I think, more she worries about it coming back. As far as her own space, she has always, always been the same. She creates her own "bubble" of space where she unwinds and anywhere else she feels much like most do in a hotel room, stop, settle use as a base but its not home and she doesnt fully relax.

Thanks for popping by.

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Sounds like a great day. please take this next bit as its meant , you come accross a wee bit pushy in your convos with W. You seem to constantly tell her not to feel pressure and if she wants to go home and come back , etc.

This is all happening very fast Edz , only a few months back you would have killed to be half way here. I' e be telling you this is going to happen for a while now because as an outsider in your sitch I can look at it a bit more dispassionately. Your W wants you back but she is still scared. she is coming forward at 100mph but is holding back that small percent. She talking about where you will live yet she won't stay over all the time yet.

Edz. Youve done fantastic work on you , your R with S and now you going to be a great H and dad. This is happening and the end is in sight BUT please relax back from the constant reassuring W about your intentions. It's not your words or verbal intentions that got you here it's your actions. If You perceive Ws body language to be a certain way then thats what it is , your perception If W tells you she wants to go then fine Let this happen in a natural way. 80% Edz. If W sends you links then great. Comment , voice your opinion but don't rush out and book to see them. ( that's an Analogue ). By the same token don't say the houses are great but if it L's too soon for you to view them W then we won't because ................. I hope I'm being clear Edz. You've done your work and are continuing to do it , let W work through this in her time frame

I'm sending positive thoughts your way Edz. Take care. Rd

[edz]

Thanks RD, taken as intended and I think we're in sync thats the way to go. Dropped a gear today and relaxing a little, think its sometimes a bit of an excitement overload after feeling lost in the wilderness of w's thoughts for so long.

S was just picked up by w's friend and daughter on the way over to pick up w for a trip to a museum so back to just me again but thats ok with me right now.

Insofar as dealing with links etc, no no intention of booking anything but I'll match w's enthusiasm for looking. Completely right its her turn now to work through things as I've done my time on it (and yes I know self improvement doesnt end). Being overassuring is probably as destructive as not talking when too much gets volunteered (by me) time to calm my jets a little and relax more.

Thanks
Edz

[Sotto]

I agree about the overreassuring. It can become pressure, because you are reassuring partly in the hope that she won't draw back perhaps....

There are times when you may want to say less rather than more - not reassure - just pleasantly - ok, see you later then...

I agree about the overnight thing. On the one hand your W is talking about an xmas deadline and on the other not staying over. I guess this is where patience comes in....I dont have any wise advice I'm afraid.

The thing I would say is just enjoy where you have got to thus far if possible. Try not to keep looking for the next step and the next. Practice gratitude rather than impatience. And keep up with your own activities maybe too....

I think you're doing really well Edz...:-)

[edz]

Morning all

And its a big old grey wet pile of Meh! here today.

Weather is absolutely vile, driving rain, grey to pitch black skies, driving wind generally...urghhh.

Woke at 5:45 to the doorbell and then house alarms in the street. After a few seconds of being discombobulated and looking out of the window and seeing no one at the front door it dawned on me, power had gone out in the street.

I went and did some server related precautions and then checked on my phone and yes sure enough there was a reported outage. Had to decide whether to get ready to head into the office or not but no power means no water pump, no water pump and no header tank means no shower and estimated fix time was 9 so waited it out. By 8:45 everything was back so fixed the trips and brought all my kit back online.

Still resolving some bits but mostly all back now and got showered/shaved etc this morning.

Soooo. Of the sitch, rather meh too really. Nothing earth shatteringly bad but definitely a "pull back" time at the moment. W messaged me a little yesterday afternoon, again raising houses so just stayed enthusiastic, talking about s and a game console he wants, we got into a discussion on what we could do, w suggested we wont always need two of the console we have now so can trade one in along with other bits. Agreed and suggested I will be having a second declutter on tech I have boxed up so can probably find some other bits that can go.

We then chatted about dinner etc / nothing deep or stressful, towards the end of the evening w was telling me s's behaviour has improved a lot over the past few days and we discussed if that was us having a co-ordinated approach and keeping it going. Seems both of us were shattered and w wasnt feeling well as well so both of us had - independently - headed for bed early.

This morning (when I got online...grr) noticed she'd posted on her timeline at 2am so messaged to say good morning, say I hope she'd had a good night and remind her ifshe can get a link for an art project s did thats online. About 2 hours later she ssingle line messaged to say they were off to his class in a mo, Ive messaged about a few bits that I needed to tell her since (connected to our shared education link that had gone down due to power - now fixed and some resources) and she's read but not replied.

I'm therefore assuming she's either under the weather or busy (or just feeling like its a bit too much right now) so I'm backing off calmly and leaving her to get on. Different that I am actively not sending panicy emails, messages or texts asking whats wrong has she changed her mind (much as mr fixit is on his megaphone in there) calmness abides generally but the weather and silence is a bit much today.

Addressing that via music while I work (assuming the power holds up grrrr again) and this evening I am going swimming for me.

It occurred to me checking my diary for work this morning, that in the past two weeks W has only had s overnight "by herself" 5 nights with the rest being here or with me being over there at the same time.

If s wants to spend time with me that's hunky dorey by me but it occurs what a huge change that is - not directly related to the sitch (beyond trust and the major issue that drove her to go in July) - but worth journalling if nothing else.

Anyway on with work, think I'll crank the music up.

[Dawn70]

Weather is meh here too, Edz! It makes for a "meh" mood. LOL I'm so excited with all of your progress, but even more excited that you seem to be so confident in everything that you do now. What a change from the first entries! I hope it doesn't sound cheesy, but I'm very proud of you. You are amazing, Mr. Edz. Keep it up!

[rd500]

Perfect Edz. It's so tough when your so close to the end but it's even more important now to show calm and patience. You will a happy family soon mate and that's great. Keep the image as your focus when you get down

Take care. Rd

[edz]

Hi Dawn

W has re-emerged this afternoon and been chatting on messenger, we've been sending pics of rain, bad weather and more confusingly cartoon characters and shopping at each other....mmm...

Thanks for your kind comments, compliments are never cheesey (well maybe if they're about cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!). A few people have commented IRL about confidence and me not being so afraid to speak up anymore. I think w has also seen it but I'm still guarded at pushing or taking too much control and scaring the horses at least for now.

Went for a walk to the shops at lunchtime in a brief break in the rain but it caught me on the way back and was dripping 10 minutes later, we have (not kidding( hard rain, sleet, hail and warm sunshine mixed in with strong wind right now.

W asked if Im taking s swimming, no worries (I *am* feeling a little lazy today and toyed with saying no will go thursday but its time with s and I know he wants to go even if not to actually swim!) asked did she want him back this evening or time to herself (they have a picnic event tomorrow) and yes, w would like him to stay over here.

While it would be nice (if fanciful) to think she'd say hey no, come over afterwards, it's no biggie and s gets to stay again (quick count that means fri,sat,sun,tue nights this week). W has very definitely released the 1:1 relationship with him now, I think she actually likes to not have to be solely in charge anymore (apart from daytime and HE and we have spoken about possible options in the future on that including my changing my workdays and hours).

Anyhoo, no not having any time with w today but having s over tonight now. No movement on sitch as such (at least yet) but as I suspected this morning no cataclysmic changes in sitch w wants to talk about just busy or under the (horrible) weather! Mr fixit has gone off in a sulk!

So few more hours of work, will eat a carb-snack before picking s up for swimming (learned that lesson, dont do a partial day fast "one meal a day plan" and go swimming when its actually eating time) then meatballs for dinner when I get back along with a glass of something red and wine related.

Then we shall see when we get back.

Cheers all, thanks Dawn Queue up that music and dont mind the rain!

[edz]

Perfect Edz. It's so tough when your so close to the end but it's even more important now to show calm and patience. You will a happy family soon mate and that's great. Keep the image as your focus when you get down

Take care. Rd

Thanks RD, we cross posted there so I didnt mention you above. Yes, its in some ways trickier as I can feel afraid of undoing good works by pushing too hard or by seeming like Im backing off. Seems to be just a time to learn and listen to myself on my gut feelings that If w goes quiet let her be and dont make assumptions (my old, mr fixits actually, old trick of creating problems and panicking about them) keep to the calm waters unless there is an issue to address and make sure if there is it IS addressed by us both in the open of course - although we're not at needing that as yet.

I'm good with patience providing I keep mr fixit at bay, he wants to address houses,minutia and start working on many other things that will be important but - right now - arent as important as w feeling its right, dealing with re-entry (her words) and the odd wobble and - the elephant in the room - her mother. All things being equal mil/fil leave for the north at the end of the month and no one is keener to see that happen than w, she has told me she will feel a sense of freedom.

I have mixed feelings, I moved past everything with her mother - how she made w feel, damage to our m, all of it. Just let it go as it was toxic (lady v's advice there) I dont want to see w be parted from her parents or s from his gparents but, ultimately Ive also learned the very painful way while I can be there for w and s I cant take decisions for w or tell her what she should do or when. I also worry a little she's not dealing with mil as much as putting it off until its easier, will she wait until mil is a few hundred miles away and then give notice on the flat etc? Ultimately, again, her call I just want her (regardless of me) to take control of who she is and her decisions and not require MILs blessing and approval, even w says its very clear after these years she will never get it.

BUT am I disheartened? Nope. Just keeping on keeping on, there'll be (not sad songs) but the odd pot hole, wrong turn and uphill battle before we're back in m2.0 but w's timeline (which I dont discuss with her unless she raises it and never give her mr fixits days breakdown!) of 220 days to a christmas day together is still achievable today, we shall see. I'd rather consider that number than the 302 days ago that she left never wanting to see or hear from me again and considering that s was better off without me there, if so much has changed in that time, surely the rest is there for the taking if I remain patient, calm and keep on...keeping on.

Cheers

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Just a quick quote from my L/C , you have to not just let go of things but actual learn not letting them get to the point of needing to be let go !

M2.0 should be added to the index at the start !!!

Rd

[edz]

Hi Edz. Just a quick quote from my L/C , you have to not just let go of things but actual learn not letting them get to the point of needing to be let go !

M2.0 should be added to the index at the start !!!

Rd

A good point to take onboard mate, thanks. Certainly communications is our number 1 entry along with making sure if one of us talks the other listens and nothing, at all, is unable to be raised, ever!

[edz]

Well its a more settled day weather wise. Started bright and sunny but clouding a little now, sadly right as w & s go on their picnic with the other HE kids.

Not that much to report, as I said TV with s last night until his bedtime, w and I messaged a little, w did send me a kiss but said it was from WFT. This morning a busy one to get up and ready, housework done, s up dressed and fed before w picked him up to go on his picnic.

Brief chat with w who is still suffering a little and said shes giving up coffee/alcohol for a little while to see if that helps. Small kiss and hug but could tell she wasnt really feeling up to much else or talking so she had some water, we got s ready and theyve gone off. Said no problems give me a call if she feels like doing anything this week and to have fun at the picnic

So now back to work, not much planned for the rest of the week as, frankly, brassic until friday/pay day as its been an expensive month! Maybe some keyboard practice tonight or may just settle down with a movie.

Will catch you all later, cheers.

[Huddy]

Hi edz

Well it's a marathon, not a sprint. Keep going, you'll get there!

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, just checking in to see how you are doing....Hope you've had a good couple of days - with plenty of chat with your W, fun with your S, a dash of Pedro, a nice dinner and some brushing and purring as well.

Looking forward to an update....

[edz]

Hi Huddy, Hi Toots

Been busy busy busy.

So I note I had not much planned, well that didnt work out as expected!

Wednesday afternoon spoke to w who said the oil light was on on the car and I had the oil (we put it in my car before we went on our trip the other week), also she was installing a new game for s on the laptop and had some troubles.

Went round and resolved both and we ended up jointly cooking a chicken curry which was rather nice. Family evening (although s spent most of it playing his new game), spent the night on the sofa and then yesterday we had another long talk.

Besides spending a lot of time together w and i touched upon more issues that had cropped up in the past, how we would deal with them going forward and more. Although w hasnt yet told MIL we did discuss telling s, I appreciate though she can and would see this as a "lock" on her intentions and we agreed we're not going to do that until she's ready. She hasnt changed her mind on anything just working through at her own speed, I'm not pushing but no longer "anti pushing" by asking lots of if she's sure/dont want to push her but... kind of bookending. She has said she's quite happy for my dad to know as he's been asking a lot and i've been politely stonewalling to keep her path smooth. Not sure how much I will say if anything though, keeping my dad aside has been one of my better moves and i'm not keen on instigating him asking whats happening every few days!

The three of us spent much of the day together and during some food shopping (after s bought a game) w took my hand walking around the shops and told me we could all stay over at the house tonight.

We stopped by the flat and fed WFT and picked up some bits for s and w and then headed back. S played his "other" new game and w and i had a glas of wine in the back yard before we made a ratatouille together. After dinner we all watched a movie.

W isnt yet ready to share a bed so I took my sofa and she took the bed, shes afraid thats a step she cant move back from once she goes there so she wants to be ready although Im clear my expectations are not physical at this stage, I am more than happy she chose to stay so slept downstairs. S of course had his room.

About 7 s came down (wanted to play his game) found me and snuggled under the covers and went back to sleep. Got up as normal before 8 and left him to play his game while I used the main bathroom and then got things going for the day, fed s etc. W is very under the weather so is taking a rest this morning before I take them back (the current plan).

S will be staying tonight and maths in the morning.

Other than that Im becoming wary of knowing whats happening next, not expecting good or bad just keeping on

[rd500]

100 % Edz. Really pleased for your family Well done mate. This is now happening and new Edz is the only Edz

Take care. Rd

[Dawn70]

Sounding good, Edz. Keep on keeping on! Two thumbs up and a tail wag from Molly.

[gan]

Great to see things continuing to chug along in the right direction, edz. Knowing how grim things looked at BD for you, it's truly inspirational to see the turnaround. Equally inspirational is watching how you have consistently put in the hard work and be patient with W. Good for you!

[edz]

Hi all

Thanks rd, dawn and gan.

Not been about much. Saturday picked w up and we took s to maths and w and I had a coffee at the beach and talked. W still nervous about the conversation with mil. My dads being childish right now as I havent voice called (emailed and messaged but he can be a little sulky if hes not called and frankly ive been busy but still tried he didnt reply or call me or visited despite being retired - heyho been much the same for 30 years..) so can validate at parents in general. Afterward both w and I had housework and mundane matters to take care of so I took her back to the flat.

That afternoon she called to tell me shed had a call from mil to chat, we joked back and forth and I said not THAT chat she said..yes. Mil said shed guessed from w's mood and being happy. After w's fears and doubts, mil was absolutely fine about it if w is happy.

We had a long chat and w invited s and I to go round and watch a move with a takeaway so we did. After dinner and s going to bed we caught some TV and I crashed on the sofa.

Sunday we told s we are getting back together, we will be moving from the flat and house and in somewhere new. The big factors will be S's home education or school resources work and WS support network but were thinking august so the timescale just moved up. He is as expected happy to say the least. We had a great day with a trip to a stately home and picnic and then called by to feed the bft and picked up fixings for dinner from my kitchen. I stayed over at the flat with w last night...

Today started in the best way any of my days have since, well I dont remember made w coffee and we chatted, s having got himself up and gone on Minecraft. Just waking up today made me a happy man.

We got wft some new bits and got some groceries for w for this evening and dropped w back before s and i went swimming together.

Tonight just s and I at the house as w has a little decompression time as she's still adapting to not being alone and our new plans.

This week well be picking up my unaltered ring, well also get me a new one next month. W will put hers on when I get that one and in the meantime well start working toward one home. Lots to do bar the normal packing I have to look into how my lease can be ended and notice etc etc.

Still lots to do and as w and I said there won't be an end to it, this is now an ongoing process that we will both stick at into m2 and beyond but she said this morning for the first time she can honestly remember she feels good about it, us and me.

No backsliding from me, I'd obviously like not to have to be apart today but I understand and respect it will take her a little time and she's already moved on so much I have no issues in respecting her space. Today or in enshrining that space in m2.

What next? Doubtless some potholes speed bumps and unknowns and maybe even some pulling back slightly from w but no sign of that right now with w actively seeking new places and us talking on the how's etc.

An awful lot else happened and was discussed, some not relevant some I'll keep to myself but its been a very busy few days.

As always guys thanks for the constant support.

Keeping on keeping on..

[rd500]

Well done Edz. Over the moon for you and your family. New start and you have all the tools on your belt now to deal with the future. Next time your hug S include me n the hug please. Maybe an extra second or two !!!!!


Pleased for the whole family Edz but especially for S. He's a little boy who has being through a very very tough time and he needs to be with his Mum and Dad. So glad you can give him that.

I hope you keep posting because you will be an Inspiration to many others on here looking for hope

WELL DONE EDZ !!!!!!!!!

Hugs and kisses. ( I know , I know ). Rd

[gan]

Yay, Edz!!! So happy that talk with MIL went well. Enjoy the moment.

[edz]

Thanks gan, absolutely rd not there yet. Have two homes to role into one, new ring to resolve right through to our first reunited Christmas and a planned renewal of vows. Once things get ramped up I may be here less often in my thread but I'll be checking in on everyone else's definitely. Of course there's no guarantee everything will work out I will...yes... Keep on keeping on. Right now I'm just happy, so proud of the fears w overcame with her m and thankful she's opened herself up to new possibilities and of course to my councellors and the dB principles that allowed me to work on me to become someone w wants to move forward with and of course all the support of everyone here... All as well as the indescribable luck that I was able to rebuild relationship with s.

..its not all done yet.

[Sotto]

Edz, I'm so pleased for you guys. And great that MIL accepts things. Lovely for. S too....bless him!!

The best of British luck to you both xx

[Bob723]

Hi Edz,

I am so happy for you guys and love the new Edz!

Congratulations!

Your friend,

Bob

[Dawn70]

Awesome developments, Edz! I'm so excited for y'all. Doing my happy dance. Best wishes to you and yours.

[jim0987]

Hi Edz,

its nice to catch up on what has been happening with your situation and the latest developments are properly good news

I'm really happy for you and your family

[Vanilla]

Edz,

This is very special for a very special person.

You are very dear to me and move slowly slowly with your lighthouse stance.

BFT a great big pat on the head and tummy rub.

V

[edz]

Thank you everyone, V thats a lovely thing to say thank you so very much and you'd better believe I feel the same way about all of us here

BFT outside in the yard upside down in the sun with a warm belly at the moment.

Back today working from home, having some safety detectors replaced by the landlord but Ive stayed a few nights at the flat. Things are, well I have no real words right now, just feel loved and w and I seem to be capturing some of the feelings we had at the very begining without excluding s, something we could (I could) never seem to manage before.

Still trying to not overwhelm, stay the new steady Edz but happy. Some practicalities coming up with looking at leases, options on moving somewhere new, w/s coming here and even (and no i cant believe im saying this) me going back to the flat if thats the best option to exit the lease here on the provision we move shortly after to a new place.

W and I discussed how to make it all work time wise while we have both places, whos where when and how to keep spontaneity so it doesnt become a backwards and forwards grind, we're working on that.

Thank you all again everyone

Edz

[Dawn70]

Steady, happy Edz...I LOVE it! I'm so tickled for you, W and S. Hugs to you and tail wags from Molly.

[rd500]

Fantastic Edz.

[Vanilla]

Sending you all my love

By that I mean to all of you !

V

[edz]

Good morning all

Many thanks for the kind words and wishes Vanilla, Rd, Jim, Dawn, Toots and, indeed, everyone.

Its a cold blustery rainy morning down here today, W isnt too well which has put a bit of a downer on whats otherwise a really good time.

Spent a lot of this week with them staying there and s's issues w described are as she said, Im working with the pair of them to see where we go with his education and to help (ironically) w and s save their relationship as well.

We've decided that we will use the flat as our base and move from there to the new place when we find it which is really around the exit of my contract on the house.

Since I have to give notice and wait for a new tenant before I can get my deposit, allowing us to move I'll be moving "me" and of course the BFT back this coming week with some kit but the main furniture move happening after that when a new tenant is coming in (saves me buying out of the contract which I really cant afford) we also can merge some furniture and my old makedo stuff can go to a charity service who'll pick up reducing removals costs.

We did consider the opposite but storage and, ultimately, space for 3 (5 including the mogs) of us is larger there.

W isnt too well but was scheduled to have an evening to herself with s coming here after a friends birthday party it would be her last one with us in two places residentially (her having time alone is a separate thing and will continue as will mine) but we'll see how she's feeling. I'll respect her space if she wants it.

I did have a concern on her not being ready to have me about all the time (excepting work - I'll be using the local office and not WFH which was always my plan anyway to stop me being isolated) if we end up with a new place with a separate working area that may change but will always be a mix.

We spoke and she said no, she wants to move forward now but she'd still quite like today, Im happy (why wouldnt I be) to respect that as long as she keeps talking if shes feeling space starved.

We havent told s Im 'moving' over next week as he knows we're together and Ive been over most of this week anyway. He knows he'll be losing his room here and, indeed, at the flat but is excited about a new one and having a den with the game consoles etc in it so we reclaim space for w and i if he is playing with friends. We now definitely have enough TV's for that anyway.

So keeping on, we're now aiming to be out of the flat and somewhere new ~September which is doable as long as I can exit the house ok.

Its been a very interesting Month, slightly down with wifes health (which im not going into on here but is longer term) especially as it was becoming very clear how much closer we are now as a couple compared with before. W and I have spoken about a lot of the past feelings in the last few days and how far away from those negative feelings we now are, almost as a new couple but with such knowledge of each other.

W has obviously been strained keeping s going and he's been pushing the envelope and its getting her down, with my new relationship with him, as well as everything I've learned, hopefully I can now start to take some of that strain away and we can plan things between the three of us. We've certainly said to him we'd like him involved in looking at houses etc.

Anyway, busy one at work then off to a party with s this evening, not sure after that we'll see how w is feeling.

Catch up with you all soon, cheers!

[Huddy]

A success story! Nice.

[edz]

Not quite there Huddy but getting there inch by inch

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, I'm so pleased to read about the progress you guys are making - although I'm sorry your W isn't feeling 100% just now. I identify with your W's need for a little space. Most of the time H and I lived together, he worked away for part of the time, and having lived independently myself for many years, I enjoyed having the house to myself. I start to feel a bit agitated when I don't get time to myself, so I would encourage you to carry on doing things you enjoy - extending your own boundaries and giving your W some me time. Try not to see it as a rejection (I'm not suggesting that you do BTW) and see it as an opportunity.

It may be that S is having some transitional feelings perhaps? Pleased that M&D will be together, but it's a change and that may feel a bit scary and lead to acting out perhaps? It's great that you have done so much work to strengthen your bond with him, and can help him through this too.

Keep posting Edz & good luck! :-)

[edz]

Hi Toots and thanks.

Absolutely, w and I spoke about space as I said, in fact we've talked about how things can work. Some days I'll be off doing my GAL exercises, off out with s for fun days exactly as now so she can just chill. Sometimes will be the reverse with w and s and obviously all of us. I'll be working back at the office for a bit and not from home (snowstorms / health / etc allowing!) so she doesnt feel hemmed in.

S's behaviour predates us deciding to reconcile, its been an uphill battle for her with him for a while. Probably connected to me being the "downtime" one and her full time and educating trying to engage him. I did try not to just be fun dad but balance but inevitably theres an element of that. This will now balance out more and I can help with routines etc instead of w having to do them all there.

Spoke to w (on phone) this morning and Im picking them up for the party then afterward dropping her off so she can chill out this evening. S and I will come back to the house, not sure it will be THE last evening we're here like this but its certainly one of them as soon I'll be actioning what we've agreed and what I can such as internet deactivation etc and some limited moving. I will be keeping an eye on her tension and body language though, this will be a difficult point for her I understand and I'll work through it with her.

Keeping on....

[edz]

Oh meant to say, nope dont take it as a rejection anymore, way past the codependency. Im a little impatient (the last rattles of mr fixit probably) and excited to move on, I dont always understand when she needs space - as she then tells me she gets bored and spends the evening on FB/Games/Messaging me - but I can relate to needing time to miss me and anyway if she wants space I will certainly respect that need and provide what I can regardless.

My concerns were more around moving on, getting rid of the house THEN w feeling like she needed more time alone than I could easily accomodate without one of us going away for the night etc, I think we'll work on that one together over time but it doesnt seem a huige issue.

My own entertainment / occupying my time is getting better after this time alone as well, I can appreciate family time better rather than needing it to feel validated. A whole lot healthier.

[Dawn70]

Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!! That all sounds great, edz! I'm just tickled to death for all of you.

[Ggrass]

So edzs it's looking like things are working well.

I'm am so very pleased for your success. It's a damn shame that's not the sort of ending we all get but we should. Just for being in the damn race.

So happy cheese and whine.

[edz]

Good morning all.

Dank, dark and dismal down here I'm afraid weather-wise, hope the rest of you are seeing a nicer, brighter day.

Sitch front Im pretty much staying at flat with w and s now, BFT is being moved over this week (WFT is not presently aware!) and Im shuttling back and forth feeding her and giving her a daily brush until then.

Thanks for the posting guys, I know w and I together are now utterly different to how we were before BD, long before it. In some ways better that we were even when we got married as a lot of long lying worries, concerns, doubts and fears have been dragged kicking and screaming into the light and dealt with or at least being dealt with. I have no doubt that even if BD hadnt happened our outlook for staying together into later life (certainly post s growing and leaving home) before the changes we've both made were far, far poorer than the optimism we're both feeling for it now.

Things arent perfect, w has some health problems right now, we both have worries on s and his education and right now are still rocking two properties which is financially rather crippling.

I have no reason to complain though and every reason to be very, very grateful. I did put in a lot of work on me, repairing myself mentally and physically and in standing *BUT* without support - lots of it from the great people here, councellors and friends and also very importantly s and w taking the chance that those changes were indeed real and not being done for effect and w in making that move back toward me - without those - the current situation would be very different.

Busy weekend helping w organise and life laundry stuff with an eye on moving, made some room so I can have clothes etc at the flat. We looked at a couple of houses and I took s out for a play on the beach while w had a chill out for a couple of hours. We also took an educational trip out and dinner with some friends and their son last night. All good.

So today in office - as I said not wfh most of the time now, may be next week to look after s while w has an appointment - have a house w,s and I are going to see this evening with a view to moving soon.

Good few challenges yet in getting the housing situation resolved, where we're moving to (we wont be staying at the flat medium term just short term) and slotting into a non routine routine which will still give w space and both of us GAL room and space to grow as people as well as together. It's good though, w said last night she'd miss me today and we are now back in ILY/ILYT terrtory which is immesurably emotionally fullfilling.

Anyhoo will catch up with you all soon.

Thanks Guys.

[gan]

w said last night she'd miss me today and we are now back in ILY/ILYT terrtory which is immesurably emotionally fullfilling.

That's pretty huge, Edz! Wishing only good things for you, the W and the munchkin. Oh and BFT, too!

[rd500]

Sounding great Edz m really pleased for your whole family. Enjoy mate and I hope you keep posting for your own sake as much as ours. This was a much needed but a very very tough life lesson and one not to forget


Take care. Rd

[edz]

Thanks Gan, Rd much appreciated.

Yes RD you are right, its not something I will ever forget and always something to temper my opinions of life against. I've been very lucky not only in getting a second chance in myself (I really wouldnt go back to my old self even if I could) but also in w deciding that we could have a future and also s working with me to rebuild a relationship.

It was needed indeed, w and I spoke about the same point. The best we could have hoped for if this had not happened was to carry on until s left home and I imagine w would have gone too, now we are partners and we look forward to a future together to s leaving home and beyond.

Thanks all

[kippz]

That's great edz. Good job! I know, going through it myself right now, that it was a lot of hard work!

[Upnorth]

Great to see something positive! Keep up the good work!

[Dawn70]

Thanks for popping in and the hugs. I needed them. I was feeling a little better after a nice, relaxing weekend, but then got hit with chaos when I got to work and it kind of got a hold of me before I could think about it.

I live in the Southern US, so summer is always hot for us, but if that is what you are hoping for, I hope you get it. Come on over and visit sometime and I'll be glad to share our "hot" with you. LOL

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, glad to hear things are going well for you and the family (I think I can call you that now!) It sounds like you have learned a great deal from this past year or so, and I don't think you'll be going back there again. There is still a road ahead I'm sure, but I'm so pleased to hear how well things are going.

Keep up the good work!! T :-)

[Vanilla]

Just dropping by to remind you of the castle and picnic strategy.

And to say thank you for the support

V

[Vanilla]

And to ask if I can also have a virtual share in WFT? 5%? Tell WFT I cook a good chicken and have taken a head scratching masterclass and see what is maow.

Although of course BFT and V have an extra special bond.

V

[edz]

Hi V

I dont see a problem with that she's a grumpy cat though and almost totally deaf now so does have a habit of making very loud harsh meows if you walk past her and she didnt see you!

BFT is very stressed out about the whole thing as her being strecthed out full length on the sofa with her belly in the air last night clearly shows. Shockingly wft apart from bopping bft on the side a few times when she saw her on the sofa (she's since changed ends)

Many thanks for popping by V, will pop by your thread a little later and see how you're doing

[Sotto]

Edz, good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you guys. When are you moving?? Hope all is going well for you both!

T:-)

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Good not to see you posting everyday !!!!!!!!!! Hope S is loving having his family back together


Take care. Rd

[Vanilla]

I am glad BFT is no longer a solo puss.

That you for my 5% WFT, sending some chicken over.

And some Pedro for Edz and Mrs Edz to share.

And bath bubbles for S.

V

[Vanilla]

Edz

Really

Share the happiness and joy!

V

[Vanilla]

Still await in'

V

[Bob723]

Edz,

How are things going? Please post an update when you feel you have some time.

Take care.

Bob

[Ggrass]

Sounds like my hast edzs rode off into the sun set to live happily ever after. Which is awesome.

[jim0987]

Hi edz

How goes it? All good I hope

[Mozza]

Hello edz, it's been a while since you gave us an update. I'll add you to my piecing list for now, but do let us know how things are, however briefly. You'll remember your early days when it was so good to hear about sitches progressing in the right way. Hope all goes for the best.

[jim0987]

Hi edz,

Seems like your not about but on the off chance you check then I thought I'd ask how its going?

I'm taking the silence as a positive but let us know if that's the case.

Hope all is well

Cheers

Jim

[Dawn70]

Hi edz!

I join everyone in hoping your absence is a sign of good news. Wishing you and your family the absolute best.

[Vanilla]

Edz

How is my 50% of the BFT?

V

[Vanilla]

I miss you Edz.......

V

[Ggrass]

And so success was reached for edz....