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Arcola Offline OP
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Tonight I called wife because Ive came to my end of trying to save our marriage. In telling her that I have been trying and didn't know what to do to help us, she responded with her feelings and that she still doesn't feel things can be better between us.

I accepted the fact that this is probably it. So I asked her to tell me truth if she had been seeing/sleeping with anyone since we've been S. At first she didn't want to tell me and prior to telling me gave me reasons that were to sugarcoat the fact or to make the impact less powerful. So after expressing her feelings and acknowledging that she was seeing someone, she told me that they had slept together.

I'm over my crying as I type this, but it hurt to finally hear from her mouth my suspicions. I hope that it gives me closure and helps me on my way of whatever my future is.

I know I tried to save our marriage and may not have done the best I could. But it helps me to know I did try. I can't quite pinpoint a feeling for knowing I'm at this point in my journey, but I didn't expect or want to see myself make it to this point. Others' threads I've came across that just ended or abruptly ended (older DBers prior 2015) I always wondered was it truly their end or if anything changed despite them no longer being on the boards. So like I said I can't pinpoint a feeling, but this will probably be the last post and if not last, signify the end of my DB journey.

I know now all I can do is look after me and ensure my children are taken care of.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/14/15 04:48 AM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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I'm so sorry, Arcola -- I know that must've really stung. I may not have always (or even much) agreed with your approach, but the fact is you did FIGHT for your marriage, and you will always have that. I respect that, always.

You never know what the future holds. Moving on doesn't mean "giving up," either. Prepare yourself -- it's when they sense that you really HAVE moved on, that they often come back (ref.: that great scene from the movie "Swingers" . . . so true!).

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hey Arcola

Its sh1t and hurts like hell but believe me it does get a little easier as time passes on. I'm 4 months further and feel so much better than I did in those first few weeks.
Best advice ever is just to let them go. They want greener grass? let them have it. Move on and look forward to a new part of your life.
I wouldn't hold onto what Starsky is saying but he's right. Seen it numerous times on here and loads of other sites. When they realise you've gone for good they often come back round to wanting the marriage back. I've seen it with a couple of my friends. By that point they had well and truly moved on themselves and weren't interested. don't hold onto to hope. It just holds you back.
Good luck with you future and with you kids.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Hi Arcola, I'm so sorry to hear that.....as Cadet always says, the ultimate decision is yours and if you haven't yet made that ultimate decision, there is always hope. Only you can decide what you want to do. If you are truly done, and can move on in peace knowing you gave your all to try and save your M, then I wish you well indeed.

As others have said, sometimes once we truly let go, the fear of losing us starts to bite and things can turn - but who knows.

If you keep the focus on you and being the best Dad you can be, you can't go wrong IMHO. Keep posting my friend....

T :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Arcola Offline OP
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I'm back. Despite my last post, its just overwhelming the feelings I feel from day to day. After discovering WAW being PA with this OM I thought for sure I was hanging it up. I thought not posting here would keep me from having hope. I still read others threads each day, possibly looking for hope, but also hoping that some of the other sitchs I'm current with might reconcile with their spouse.

Not much has changed since discovery of PA. This past weekend I drove out with WAW and kids to her BIL house since D9 would be staying there for a month during the summer. The visit was pleasant. However, I failed at DB principles when it came night time. WAW and I slept in the same bed Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday I tried to have sex with her and Sunday I tried and even asked. Nothing happened I'm thankful for now in hindsight. However, I feel so pathetic. During the moment and even now knowing that I tried. I feel pathetic because I without a doubt know she's in PA with OM but here I am still trying to have sex. I even bought condoms, thinking something might happen. We're still legally married so I want to steer clear of getting involved with someone else. Also, I feel it will greatly impact my decision making going forward with whatever may be the end result of my marriage. The sexual desire is overwhelming. I know it goes against our marriage for me to be involved with another woman, but after my last post, I lost a big chunk of hope. I've recently gained some back, but still the desire to have sexual relations lingers.

On a side note, I had my HIV and STD test done this past Friday, so I'll know if going forward I'm good to go. Per WAW when she told me she had been in PA with OM, she hadn't been PA with anyone else prior us having sex in March.

I furthermore feel pathetic that I went with her to BIL. I wanted to see D9 off, but just being there I felt I was more a cover-up for WAW than anything. BIL and FIL stay directly across the street from each other and are aware that we're separated, but I don't think either of them know WAW is PA with another man. Her BIL is on his soon to be 3rd marriage. He has kids from both previous marriages and seeks to marry and have kids with the current lady he's with. Her father, age 54 or so, is divorced from her mom due to his constant infidelity while they were married. He also has a 13 year old son from a mistress while he was married to WAW's mom. Furthermore, he's divorced from his last wife of about 3 years in which they have a 6 year old daughter and is now seeing a 34 year old divorced woman who has 2 kids. I said all that to say this, despite her family history, WAW is a complete hypocrite when they talk about her father's actions. Pretty much nowadays he pays little attention to his older children, none to his 13 year old son in another state 4 hours away, uses his youngest as a pawn with dealings with his former wife, and is involved with younger women whom are married or not. So in these conversations she's quick to say her father is wrong, but her life is seemingly taking a turn for the same at least with infidelity as I see it.

I've learned through D9 that OM is present around the kids. D9 has shared bits and pieces with me without me even asking. Once in the past I asked about this OM, but have refrained from doing so anymore. From best my knowledge of him, I don't believe he has kids, although I think he is raising or helping raise his younger sister (about 12 years old). It bothers me for my children's safety since OM is like 24 - 27 and has no kids. It bothers me that she would introduce the kids to OM because I feel it'll hurt her reputation in the long run. I'm going to have to read up on AZ laws in regards to divorce/separation, but from other's threads it seems there's nothing a LBS can do if they are separated and there is no evidence of harm or foul play.

I don't know if D9 is putting up an emotional front, siding with wife, or what. I wonder sometimes if D9's foster past age 0 - 3 had a major impact on her since she moved around quite a bit and was aware of parents being in jail. Its like this OM thing is all cool with her from what I perceive. I wonder if she sides with WAW or if WAW tells her to not mention OM, because a couple of weeks ago I went over to drop off some new clothes for D9 to try on prior going to BIL. WAW had some friends with kids over and D9 and some of the other kids were jumping on the trampoline. When I went out to speak to her, one of the little girls (I'm guessing she's 5 or 6) just blurts out to me OM was here. D9 made a face at her that was like why are you saying that.

I don't know what emotional affect OM being present will have on my younger ones. D4, S4, and D3 are all pretty aware of their surroundings and through conversation I know they somewhat understand in general the things that go on around them regardless of the sitch with WAW and I.

Now, I'd like to rant on OM. He's 24 - 26, 3 jobs per Facebook (no white-collar jobs), and shares a place with someone per sites that collect info on people. Per a resume he had online (it read like sh*t) he had a short stint in the Army. I wish I knew more about his Army career as I was in the Army and got honorably discharged after my first enlistment. In my opinion I'm the exact opposite of OM.

DISCLAIMER: I'm only comparing myself to OM and not the world as a whole. Nothing is wrong with not having a white collar job, having to share a place, or being young and having no kids, but this stems off of what I feel WAW left behind and went to that supposedly makes her happy.

I've read on a few sites that the next spouse/person usually doesn't look as good as the first. In my opinion I feel this is true.

Knowing WAW is PA with OM and he's over at her house and all, I can't feel comfortable going over to her house to see the kids. Ever since we separated, I've seen the kids each evening they've been with her. In hindsight, I don't know if me wanting to see WAW outweighed me wanting to see the children. I do know underneath those feelings of wanting to visit is the feeling that I don't want my children to think less of me somehow because they didn't see me for a day. I'm from a divorced family, and of 100% I'm 99% closer to my mom. My dad didn't physically abuse me or neglect me financially, but through ever other weekend visits (age 8-16) with him and him not taking a genuine interest in me, I grew closer to my mom than him. So given my past, it haunts me that this may be the case down the road with me. I always felt our kids took to WAW more than me as is.

Now I feel like I'll just take it upon myself to see my kids when she's picking them up at daycare so I don't have to go over to her house the days she has them. As I stated earlier, I just can't feel comfortable going over there anymore knowing she's full on PA with OM. The simplest sight of anything can just arouse the emotions and have my mind wondering this, that, and the other. I wish I could have spared myself the harm this morning as OM's car was parked at her house when I went to drop off the kids sippy cups in her car for daycare since they left them in my car Fri. after me picking them up.




Last edited by Arcola; 05/26/15 04:44 PM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Hi all. Ive been seldomly lurking amongst the boards and have just let my W go with her continuing her affair. Now that the kids have been adopted we're moving towards separating major assets.

I'm back here today for a question. Lately alot of instances have arose where I might encounter W and OM. This Fri. two children we once fostered are being adopted by their grandparents and I know she's going to attend and I plan on attending too. I don't know if OM will be there. So, my question is anyone who has found themselves in similar situations with OM/OW present how did you play it? Did you let your emotions show or did you just act like it was A-okay?


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
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Offline
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Posts: 6,810
Be civil, the most reasonable guy in the room. Treat him as you'd treat a distant acquaintance -- no more, no less. Most importantly, try to EXUDE CONFIDENCE -- YOU are not the one who needs to feel awkward for being there!!!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Arcola Offline OP
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Hey Starsky, thanks for the advice. I feel a little better going into the adoption come Fri.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
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Offline
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Posts: 5,301
Is it Matt777 who writes - I'm a street walkin' cheetah with Napalm in my pocket?? grin


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Hi all. I'm not intentionally trying to DB my sitch anymore, but I am trying to move on as best I can. I don't know what to think of W's email reply to me today. Is this good or bad? Just wondering?

Talk in regards to kids activities led up to the relationship talk. That stuff has been removed. Also, a few notes:
-we aren't seeing a counselor together or alone, I'm not seeing anyone, but she knows I have been with 2 women since I confirmed she was in a PA. I never brought these women around my kids nor do they know of them.
-On a couple of occasions I've had to visit my kids and OM was there. I've had to out of nowhere hear one or more of my kids talk about OM. I've seen OM and her with kids about town.
-we're moving slow as a snail dividing major assets (house, cars, etc.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Wife
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 2:40 PM
To: Arcola
Subject: RE: HI



I was just talking to the counselor this morning and acknowledging that we seem to talk less and less as time goes on. I don't know if it's because I am seeing someone and that's still something that is hard to deal with or if it's because you might be seeing someone, if it's that we're avoiding the fact that we eventually need to talk and work something out or if it's that we are mad at one another. I just don't know. I feel like I try to talk to you and keep communication open but I don't really get much back so I start to feel like I talk too much and maybe you don't want to hear it anyway. Maybe like you said, you just don't have anything to say to me and maybe I'm expecting too much. Okay I'm rambling and as I reread that first part I realize that I have over used the word "maybe".


-----Original Message-----
From: Arcola
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 2:05 PM
To: Wife
Subject: RE: HI

My apologies for not responding to how I was doing, but I'm doing good and
everything is okay. Yeah, I agree we don't talk much. Most of the time I
don't have much to say unless its in regards to the kids. I appreciate you
scheduling their appointments and all. When it comes to the dentist I don't
consider that until there's an obvious issue. I haven't forgot about
so and so birthday and my apologies for not responding to that subject from
your text this weekend. So and so dad texted me during lunch that he'd be in town
and about the party for his son. I do plan on going to his party, but as far
as riding with everyone or driving myself I'm not sure yet. I was thinking
about visiting/staying in such and such city Sat. night, but I'm not sure yet.


-----Original Message-----
From: Wife
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 1:33 PM
To: Arcola
Subject: RE: HI



I know we seem to be talking less and less, I don't know if you feel that
way or if it's just me, I just was wondering how you are doing and if
everything is okay?









Last edited by Arcola; 09/01/15 10:26 PM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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