Toot est possible.....

[edz]

Wel goooood morning Toots, still not fully behaving myself today, maybe a bit as its work time, boooo.

For once, shockingly, I dont agree with toots your marriage is as important as anyones here, mine included. I agree with RD though everything you've said points (in my limited experience) to depression or MLC, if you can see a future with a changed H then of course you should hold out and stand as long as you choose to.

You'll remember my wobbles earlier this year, do I stand, should I give up, is w moving on or even interested in talking. Well things did move on, long term they look good (of course nothing to say it cant all go sideways this afternoon) if (sometimes frustratingly) slow in the near future, my point is the sitches do change but you can only change your side of it all and from where I sit you've done a fantastic job on that. Of course, ultimately, if you want to draw a line under it and seek new fun times with someone who will be exceedingly lucky to have toots in their life then you should do that.

My advice, for what its worth, is relax and when you feel the most relaxed then think about it not while you're feeling blue or stressed and remember if your marriage is important to you its no more or less deserving of saving than anyone elses

Be happy today toots

On the bank account front for reasons I wont go into I'd advise having proof of address on the account address and your new one as well as id and going into a branch, they should sort that right out for you. Closing over phone / internet is trickier for fraud reasons.

Take care.

Edz

[Sotto]

RD, thank you. That was such a heart warming post. And Edz, thanks so much to you too. I'm happy to be disagreed with now and again! And thanks for the tip on the bank.

After another fruitless call to the bank, I decided to bite the bullet and drive the 25 mins to my nearest branch. I so wish I had done that in the first place...I now have a closure receipt in hand and confirmation the account has been dormant recently, which I'll need for form E.

H emailed draft details for the house this morning, which all look fine. Weird to see them, but there we go. He said he will get things going with the lawyer and apologised for being slow. He said that, as usual he just can't seem to face difficult things. (Hmm, well it's you that wants the D, H - not me.) I was either just going to ignore that comment, or maybe just validate. I'll let him know the details are fine.

Okay.....on to form E now....

[Cadet]

STAND for yourself,
beginners mind,
babies stand before they can walk.
Same applies to you,
stand and make TOOTS whole and healed and
the person only a fool would leave.

Then it does not matter what he does!

[Zelda09]

Thinking of you Toots. Just got caught up on your thread.
I am excited about what lies ahead for you.

[Pink17]

AND I DISAGREE WITH TOOTS TOO...

Just now that we were thinking to get that wonderful T-shirt for the fan club "I agree with Toots", then it is revealed that we do no agree in all her comments.

Toots, just another example on how human beings as complicated and so well wired to be different.

Sometimes, I see a kind of sitch like yours and I think that it is so cool that you have the chance to do so much stuff on your on and do not worry about being there and being responsible for other young lives.

I feel that it gives you a better chance to improve yourself faster and even take your own decision as you want to. But yet, you see that having the kids can give you some leverage.

I have been married for 18 years and change now. It counts, but I am not sure in which way. I can see that we built more history together but I can also see that I wasted more time believing in someone that left me to be with another person. The wound is basically the same, no matter the time. What matters really is how much love was in there and is left inside us.

My kids are asking me over and over for me to just let go and do not sick any reconciliation with their father. It brakes my heart to hear all their reasons on why they do not want to have him back. So just for having the kids, I have been questioning myself if I stand for my M or just let go for good.

I think the point is that Divorce is a very difficult time in anyone's life. That's why it is compared to death and has the whole death consequences too, we hurt, feel super sad, need to forget and forgive, need to keep going one day at a time, in one single day you fell good, feel bad, cry and laugh, we get depressed, anxious, we just want to disappear and sometimes we force ourselves to move forward, to meet people, work, get better at something. WE GRIEVE...

The fact that you feel this way is pretty much that right now there is a lot of salt being poured into the wound and it's hurting. Once it's all done, then you will be able to deal with the pain, not just stand for the torture.

I feel for you, and for us all. We have been changing and it's also the reason for so much doubt now. We can see a little more clear that it was not all our fault and there were so many things that we did not like so much.

We start having doubts if a reconciliation would be the best choice because we learned that a R must be nurtured. cultivated and we are not sure if the other side of the orange would engage into learning this or they would be just the same as before, and then we risk to go through the pain another round.

Please, do not think your M is less important and has less weight then other people's M. It's the LOVE connection that counts.

I know it is difficult, I feel that I have an angry dragon inside of me, burning and hurting every single piece of my body. I feel like I would like to take this thing out of me and feel good again. Right now, we need to get ourselves through it, and there is no other option besides doing it.

I hope you will be kind with yourself because you will need. We will always be here for you. I also understand that sometimes it feel very empty, but I am thankful I can share my pain with someone like you. We learned to love you Toots, and you can be sure we think about you every day, many times a day.

Lots of hugs for you today. (((((((((((Toots)))))))))))

Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Guys.....Cadet, you are right, and your words do give me confidence. And Z, thanks for stopping by - yes hopefully good things are around the corner for me.

And Pink, thank you - someone else who disagrees with me! I guess there are pros and cons to every sitch aren't there. For me, I'm quite enjoying the single life with few responsibilities, although I regret there's been an impact on SS. Looking forward to seeing him and his Mum this holiday weekend. I'm off to theirs Monday for dinner.

Well, I approved our house details from the estate agent today. H said he'd get things going with the L and "sorry to be slow - as usual I just can't seem to face difficult things." I just replied - sorry you're finding it hard to face the legal stuff - it's not easy, but I'm sure we'll get through it..

I'm feeling quite good about things, because I managed to almost finish the big financial form today. Popped in to see the parents then yoga class this evening & working away tomorrow..pretty good day really

[gan]

Hello from Uganda, Toots. Been following along but a bit difficult to find time to chime in from here. Just wanted to say I very much empathize with you re keeping up appearances, bottling up, questioning why we continue to stand etc. I look forward to talking through these things with you a little more when I get back. For now ((((Toots)))). You've shown amazing resilience so far. I'm sure you will manage these next few steps just fine.

[Bob723]

(((((Toots)))))

You are such an amazing woman, Toots. I wish there were some way I could give you a real hug. I, too, am sorry to hear about your brother. I have a sister who suffers from the same mental illness your brother did.

You have had such a roller coaster ride--not one that you asked to ride on. I marvel at how you handle yourself, with such grace. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who will repect you. I admire you for trying so hard to keep your M together.

Thank you for checking on me and all the great advice, especially the text I sent to my W last night.

All, what would we do without our Dear Toots?

Please take care of yourself, ok? If you ever need anything, pop into my thread, to vent, whatever it is. I'll do my best to help you!

xoxo's

Bob

[Sotto]

Hi Gan and Bob - thanks for stopping by. Gan - my sitch sister - I realised today that I haven't actually seen H in over nine months - unbelievable!! Hope your trip goes well. And Bob, thanks for your kind post - I would love a big hug!! Well, it was a busy day for me. I was working away and had a meeting this morning, plus a hearing this afternoon and drove back down here after that.

I'm at the book store tomorrow morning and then Mum-sitting later on. Going out for an early dinner with a new female friend on Saturday night and then off to see SS and his Mum on Monday. Feeling better within myself than I did over the weekend. More settled and accepting that the house is going to be sold and the legal stuff (and possibly H filing for D) will start and so on.

Not much I can do about any of that, but will keep moving forward and I'm clear on my fundamentals. I don't want a D. I won't file for D. I do want a fair settlement. I do want us to sell the house. I do remain open to considering a reconciliation. But I won't live in an open M. I want to keep in touch with SS. One nice thing about being an LBS is you can be crystal clear on many things. I don't think the WAS gets to feel that way!!

[Vanilla]

Toots

I agree with you, this is how you feel then that is as it is. These lovely folks love you enough to disagree with you. Both stances are 100% correct, an amazing lady is hurting. But that's ok. It is OK to hurt Toots, it is what you are doing with that.

I really believe that unwanted or not, this is as it is.

Toots, it will be alright in the end and as mama G says if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady hasn't sung yet.

Much love and support

V