Toot est possible.....

[Sotto]

Well, a new thread for me. I have no idea what number! Here's a link to the last one...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562847&page=1

H recently confirmed that he wants us to D. He doesn't feel he can grow old without the chance to start a new family. I have told him I won't stand in the way, but that isn't what I want. Our MH is about to be listed for sale, and I'm about to start off the process of splitting our finances.

No idea what's happening with OW1, but it was always rocky, and he seems to be in search of a new OW, or may already have one. We communicate only by text & email just now & haven't spoken for a few months.

I have a new job and a rental flat. I'm meeting new people and life is pretty busy and pleasant. Whilst our M ending isn't what I want, I can see that life may hold many nice things going forwards - tout est possible....

[rd500]

All the best with the new thread Toots. Let's see what twists and turns happen next !!!


Take care and have a great day. Rd. xx

[Pink17]

Toots,

I asked about the time of the D process because during this time some realities start showing up. I am sure that some toughs will hit your H and lets see what he does with his life during this time.

Besides the fact that if he is in MLC, we never know when he will snap back into normal mode.

You are doing all the right things for yourself and also for him. He should be thankful that you are not driving him crazy.

Please, be sure to eat and sleep well, you have a lot on your plate right now, and it can be overwhelming at times.

We always love you,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks RD and Pink...

Pink, who knows when or if he may start to think any differently....as you say, I can only carry on doing things for me and looking after my own interests. He is pretty lucky that he doesn't have me driving him crazy isn't he? I'm not sure that he sees this at all - I think he has an entitled and self-pitying mindset just now.

Well, we had a nice time at the family party. Tho a couple of cousins didn't know about our S and asked where H was. I hate it when that happens & I have to tell people, but I was just honest and pretty upbeat about it. My Mum's family are very nice, and it's always good to see them. It was bittersweet though, because my Dad thinks it may be the last time we can take Mum to an event like that..

H replied to my text about starting off the financials. He just said - okay, that sounds good & that he will get things ready over there. He suggested we try and get a meeting arranged within the next couple of weeks, before he starts work. Then there was some stuff about the agents and what will happen over next week or so with the house & he'll let me know if things start to happen.

I'm not going to expedite anything to suit his timescale. My only plan this week is to get my L to write to him expressing my wish to settle finances and start of the process of disclosing financials.

Hope you guys are all doing well xx

[rd500]

Hi Toots. You sound upbeat but are you ? That's very tough about your Mum , it must be upseting on many levels. Also the texts from your H must be unsettling to say the least. On the face of it , it's another step closer to D but for me it's another step closer to H getting more of a wake up call The MLC will only last so long , he is destroying his life piece by piece and it can't go on. However Toots will be ok either way.

Toots I always wonder how you are so strong and I sometime feel you might be covering somewhat. Sorry if I'm wrong and just picking it up incorrectly but you are going through so much and with such grace and composure it's hard to see how. Maybe Im just projecting !!!!!

Thanks for the input on my thread. Take care and have a good day tomorrow.

Rd xx

[Sotto]

Hi RD, you may well be right. I felt pretty bad on Fri pm and Sat am after I had heard from H. Cried some and lay on the bed and bashed some pillows. I think I do like to be 'seen' as optimistic and maybe that does affect what I post and also what I say to people. I just need to be careful not to suppress things I guess. I do cry and I do feel sad, and I do think a lot about our sitch. I think about it way more than I would ideally like in fact.

I guess it also comes back to the whole vulnerability thing too. It's easy to show others a 'together' person than let my vulnerability show. Soon after H and I S, I told a friend that I would love to deal with our infidelity in a way that helps and inspires others. And she said to me - heck, don't worry about that, just get through it yourself! It was good advice, but there's still that part of me that wants to be really good at stuff.

As for my Mum, yes it's hard to see her health failing. If I lose my Mum and H, I will have lost the two people that I have been closest too in the whole world, and that makes me cry as I write this, you know...But also, we thought we would lose Mum a few years ago, and I feel we are blessed an on 'bonus time' with her right now.

So, I guess I'm just very up and down, and sometimes (perceptive RD) the 'I want to be a role model at dealing with infidelity' me, posts in a more upbeat and optimistic way than I might actually be feeling...

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm working away today - starting late and probably finishing late - best get moving. Have a good day all xx

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I am so sorry your mommy is at this stage right now. Dealing with those kind of realities are tough and it always hurt to see the ones we love so much going through it. The only thing I can say is that you are also lucky to be part of this time in your mom's life. My mom is 5000 miles away and I miss her a lot. Enjoy every minute with you mom.

I always had the same perception as RD does, but sometimes I tough was because I have H around and you have this big distance that do not allow you to see your H often.

I think the reality is that there is no one that can be strong enough to get through this being graceful and optimistic all the time. It is just too much pain, resentment, rejection and on and on. It's so overwhelming to adjust to a new life when you are still dealing with the BD, there is just so much we can do to feel happy, we can just hope that we will be OK someday.

Good that you are facing business with a business mind. Even if it is very hard, always try to think about the finances as just business. This will allow you to protect yourself and your interests. I know about a couple of women that got too emotional during financial decisions and signed agreements that really hurt them.

So when it comes to money, be as cold as you can.

You are an adorable person Toots, and I do believe that you deserve to be happy, you deserve someone that will give you value and respect.

Hope you have an nice week.

XOXO
Pink

[edz]

(((((Toots)))))

I do feel you come over as an overarchingly positive person here. Obviously I've never met any of the gang in real life - love to one day in (at least what I imagine as) a dinner at a big table in a nice restaurant, maybe one day but by the by..

I would sound a note of caution on keeping things bottled up. Clearly this is just my case but after 5 years of watching her fight it I dealt (or rather didnt deal) with losing my mum to cancer when she was in her 40s and I was in my twenties so I know exactly what stresses illness places on your loved ones and you during illness.

I got so involved in keeping my dad together I didn't deal with it and buried those issues, years later they contributed to my depression, again I tried the always being together, able to help anyone else (including w but somehow alienating s) and not worrying about myself route and, well, the rest is in my (currently) 20 threads worth!

Be kind, caring loyal, helpful and together but remember to be all that for toots as well as everyone else

Sending you and your mum all the positive vibes I can today my friend, have the best one you can and have a good shout at those cushions, it helps (maybe get the mog cat a set of soundproof headphones!)

Cheers

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

Hope everything is OK with you sister. Be brave, life is challenge you, so you can find the strength you don't even know you have.

Sending you all the positive toughs today.
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and Pink - it's much appreciated. I'm doing okay - just a bit tired, and a little bit tearful this morning. I worked away yesterday and it was a long day. Things have been much busier in the past couple of weeks and I'm feeling generally a bit tired, so I need to take care. After this week, I should be able to settle into my new work routine and not travel as much and hopefully that will be better.

I'm going to try and post more honestly without putting such a positive spin and brave face on things. I think I do need to grieve more and stop constantly pulling myself up and moving forward. I can't remember if I posted before, but my brother took his own life over 20 years ago; He had schitzophrenia. It was a hard time...I was just out of Uni and started work, and I just carried on with things. A few years later, I started suffering anxiety attacks and realised I had suppressed things. I think your emotions always leak out at some point if you bottle them up. I saw a grief therapist for a little while then, and was better able to manage the anxiety after that - I'm still a bit prone to it sometimes.

I'm doing some work from home today, so things will be a bit quieter, which is probably good. I have some new work projects which are a little outside my comfort zone, and I need to get myself moving forward on them. I left it 24 hours and briefly replied to H text about the house. He and I have always called each other by certain names - he lengthened mine, and I shortened his. More recently, I have just started using his actual name. I think I carried on with the shortened name to keep feeling the connection between us, but I need to let stuff like that go now. No news from my L yet, but I have earmarked tomorrow to check I have all the financial info ready for her.

Have a good day all...x