I think I belong in Piecing...

[Painter]

Nothing new here - I haven't investigated more, either, been busy with a couple of new job opportunities. It only makes me miserable, so trying to focus on other things.

[Painter]

Feeling very down and depressed today. H spent the entire weekend doing stuff that kept him away from me. He just went to bed in a hurry - we sleep in separate bedrooms - and I don't know if I can live in this cold M. He thinks everything is fine the way it is, he has no need for physical contact besides sex, and no need to spend time with me besides eating dinner and watching TV.

When I was away last fall, I felt so good about myself. With H, I feel so much rejection that my confidence crumbles and depression sets it. And I don't even think he means to reject me, he's just oblivious to anything outside himself and his own needs.

[V2pt0]

Sorry you had a rough night, Painter. It sounds as though your H is still stuck in his own world. That does not sound like a fun place you be.

Tells us about the job opportunities. Anything you are excited about? A few posts back we talked about you doing more GAL. How is that coming along?? Really think you need to start working on some of that until your H is ready to get serious. Does not seem like he is willing to do whatever it takes.

[Painter]

It was a difficult night. H is away for the week now, which makes things easier.

I did tell him the next morning - he was in a listening mode - that I think separating (which he seemed to be wanting at least until recently) seemed completely backwards to try to make a M work better. Being apart, dating others, to see if he misses me enough? Would make more sense to throw himself *into* the relationship, doing everything you can to be the best possible spouse for 6-12 months to see if that works.

I'm taking a class that will give me the opportunity to make a lot of money over the next few months - if I work hard enough, it may be the beginning of financial independence for the future. That is my primary (really only) goal right now. I don't have much hope for our M, H is actually nicer now than he's been for most of the time we've been married...

Re GAL, some of my weekly activities have started up for the fall, and I try to meet with girlfriends regularly. I'm also taking a fun class online, but that doesn't get me out of the house. Met with a GF for lunch and some window shopping today.

[hopeOK]

Sorry things are not going good. I can imagine living like that is tough. When did the separate rooms start?

[Painter]

Compared to what some posters here are going through with active A's, I'm not so bad off... but it's still depressing.

The separate bedrooms started a few years back, because H has to get up so early in the morning for work and I wasn't able to go back to sleep. Also, the bed we had made my back hurt to where I could hardly function, and H doesn't like my bed. I have suggested adjustments, but he's not interested in doing anything, it seems.

At first it was just on work nights, but then he started sleeping in there on weekends, too - and then I found out about the EA. OW contacted him in 2010, but it didn't get more intense until a couple of years ago, from what he says, when she suffered a personal loss and turned to H for comfort.

I think sleeping apart has been very detrimental for our M.

[V2pt0]

I did tell him the next morning - he was in a listening mode - that I think separating (which he seemed to be wanting at least until recently) seemed completely backwards to try to make a M work better. Being apart, dating others, to see if he misses me enough?

I agree with you, especially not if you are at the working on M stage.

I'm taking a class that will give me the opportunity to make a lot of money over the next few months - if I work hard enough, it may be the beginning of financial independence for the future. That is my primary (really only) goal right now. I don't have much hope for our M, H is actually nicer now than he's been for most of the time we've been married...

Re GAL, some of my weekly activities have started up for the fall, and I try to meet with girlfriends regularly. I'm also taking a fun class online, but that doesn't get me out of the house. Met with a GF for lunch and some window shopping today.

I am glad you are meeting up with friends outside of the house. I think it is super important to be outside of your home occasionally with all that is going on in it. I am also super excited for you and the chance for financial freedom. I hated the feeling of being trapped in my job when my H was in school, so I am assuming it is a similar feeling with where you are in your M. This will help you feel free to leave if it gets to that point.

Any updates over the last week?

[hopeOK]

I think sleeping apart has been very detrimental for our M.

Yeah, I'd say so. It is one of those things that starts w/o a full understanding of the complications. I had something similar where I started staying up later than my H b/c he was having to go to bed at 8:30p to be able to wake up early for work... I thought I needed quiet time in the house to unwind after the kids were in bed (as a stay at home mom who was always "on the job" w/ the kids) & couldn't see going to bed so early. H would ask me to but I'd only go when I knew he was wanting to have sex. But after years of this, it left him feeling neglected & he thought I was done w/ the relationship. So it was really detrimental for us. But I never realized it at the time.

[Painter]

I am glad you are meeting up with friends outside of the house. I think it is super important to be outside of your home occasionally with all that is going on in it. I am also super excited for you and the chance for financial freedom. I hated the feeling of being trapped in my job when my H was in school, so I am assuming it is a similar feeling with where you are in your M. This will help you feel free to leave if it gets to that point.

Any updates over the last week?

H was away last week and came home on Friday. The weekend was not great, we bickered and were both in a bad mood. So far, the week has been better, it seems to be calmer when he's at work during the day. It is hurtful that he chooses to spend his time off with friends instead of me on weekends.

I have had a lot to take care of - housekeeping and paperwork and appointments - in addition to studying, so keeping quite busy. I didn't feel good the rest of last week, so mostly just been doing things I have to do from home. Need more fun in my life!

[Painter]

I think sleeping apart has been very detrimental for our M.

Yeah, I'd say so. It is one of those things that starts w/o a full understanding of the complications. I had something similar where I started staying up later than my H b/c he was having to go to bed at 8:30p to be able to wake up early for work... I thought I needed quiet time in the house to unwind after the kids were in bed (as a stay at home mom who was always "on the job" w/ the kids) & couldn't see going to bed so early. H would ask me to but I'd only go when I knew he was wanting to have sex. But after years of this, it left him feeling neglected & he thought I was done w/ the relationship. So it was really detrimental for us. But I never realized it at the time.

At the time, we were bickering a lot (I didn't know, but he had a friendship with OW already), so it actually felt like a relief. I realize now that I opened the door for him to 'develop' that friendship.

One couple I know in the same situation, have solved it by that the W goes to bed at the same time as her H, then gets back up to watch her favorite shows or have her own time once he turns out the light. However, H likes to read and have his own downtime before he goes to sleep, so I'm not sure if he would even want me to go in with him now. He used to ask me to come into bed with him before, but I was reluctant (and wide awake!) most of the time.

H gave me a hug tonight before going to bed. I went in last night and gave him a hug and a kiss and said goodnight, and told him that if he didn't show me that kind of affection during the week, I feel like a booty call come weekend. Seems it seeped in...