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H had an affair last year - a LD EA with an old flame that turned into a PA when I went away to school. He lied elaborately for months about A, and hired a divorce lawyer and tried to prevent me from coming home. He had no legal standing so never told me about the L, just kept pressing me to not come back. He wanted to separate and 'maybe we can remarry later'. I returned as planned before Christmas, thinking H had gone crazy and something was seriously wrong. He was happy to see me, but a little off. I found proof of L and A in mid-January.

We decided to reconcile in mid-February. I had 3 conditions: Cancel contract with lawyer, go to MC, and write cease and desist letter to OW. He has yet to do the last thing.
He says he has not been in contact with OW since before Christmas.

Current status: We are seeing a DB counselor weekly (4-5 sessions so far). H says he is all in working to revive the marriage, but not feeling it yet. I guess I'm not really feeling it, either, but I want to put everything I have in to finding back to what we once had.

One motivating factor for him was probably that I won't just go away and he found out I would get the house and a sizeable alimony. At least this is giving us time...

We're working with counselor on communication, primarily, and getting needs met. I'm working by myself on 180s and validating.

This sounds like Piecing to me?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,807
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What are your boundries?

Has he commmitted to the marriage?

Has he committeed to the transparency plan?

How do you trust him without a transparency plan in place?

I would say you are not in piecing mode.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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My boundaries are that if I find out he is in contact with OW, it's over. Also, the anger issue has to be resolved somehow, in MC, or IC (which I don't think he'll ever do). It is much, much less than it was before. It was especially bad during the EA.

He has committed to working on making the marriage work, with no time limitation.

I'm not sure what the transparency plan is, the counselor said to him that at some point she hopes he will be comfortable sharing everything with me. He did let me go through his phones and e-mails - but I know he's holding out on one e-mail address. I think he also has a phone on another plan. Right now, I am holding off on pushing the issue because I am trying to solidify a common ground.

I choose to trust him now, but I am prepared for that he may not be honest. My strong instinct is that he is honest about the current situation, but that he has not admitted all details about what happened during the A - like having another phone. I will probably talk to the counselor about bringing it up, how and when.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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So this is interesting... After last week's MC, H and I had a talk the next morning that was very open, honest and calm. He said things I wasn't thrilled to hear, but it was a good conversation (H especially felt it was). The morning after that, he reassured me about some concerns I had from that convo. The rest of the week was very calm and friendly.

This week's session, we told the MC about how good the week had been, and we agreed it stemmed from that convo where H opened up. We laughed quite a bit in the session.

MC talked about love languages and how this week, we are supposed to work on learning each other's language and purposefully use it. She also talked about the four horsemen - the predictors of marriage failure: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

This morning, H became angry and withdrawn shortly after arriving. He said the part about love languages and my difficulty with one of them made him 'think'. He didn't want to talk about it.

He was initially upset about an imaginary bill (it's not going to happen) and said he felt 'alone in life'. I told him in the afternoon that I didn't want him to feel that way and what would help him feel less so. He didn't know. I asked him to let me know if I could do something to make him feel less alone in life. He didn't know.

It's surprising to me that having such a successful week following an open conversation, and becoming so aware in counseling that it was the direct precursor to our connection, he would fall back to the silence and withdrawing the very next day... confused


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Painter


I'm not sure what the transparency plan is, the counselor said to him that at some point she hopes he will be comfortable sharing everything with me. He did let me go through his phones and e-mails - but I know he's holding out on one e-mail address. I think he also has a phone on another plan. Right now, I am holding off on pushing the issue because I am trying to solidify a common ground.


This sounds problematic to me. FEELINGS take a long time to return, but I believe that LOVE truly is a decision, and after an affair it begins with absolute no-contact and an agreement for full transparency. This is for BOTH the betrayed spouse AND the formerly wayward spouse! If your husband is balking at this, he is either still in contact with the OW or he's wanting to be ABLE to be, at some point in the future, and either of those sound like dealbreakers to you.

If it's NOT either of those things, then all it can be is pure stubbornness and pride on his part, and how much would THAT say about his really being re-committed to the marriage either?

I know this is hard, but in all my time on this forum I've never once seen anyone have regrets that they were TOO strong in their boundaries . . . but the opposite?? Well that landscape is littered with a lot of sad, regretful souls.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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H could really get in touch with OW at any time in the future if he wants to... I'm hoping he won't want to. smile But I don't see how I can react to thoughts and intentions he has - my boundaries are all in response to actions.

The phone issue has been cleared up since I posted last - he willingly came clean when asked. It felt like progress.

He says he has already ended it and doesn't want to stir things up by sending her an e-mail. Knowing H, it's a typical reaction. He does not like to rock the boat. I think I'm going to let the counselor take the lead on this, she knows that he has met 2 out of the 3 requirements I had. Since he feels that I have been controlling in the M, I don't think it's a good idea to push the issue as long as he states he is working to save the M.

Does that make sense?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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I would like to encourage you to post in Newcomers for a while, so you will get more replies. Something led you here to the board, didn't it?

I was the betrayer in my M. I tried to do what your H said about not contacting OW, yet won't send the letter. Without that final letter that states it is over forever, then he is leaving the back door open.......

If you don't feel you can push it right now, that's your decision, but I am concerned the MC's implications and your acceptance is causing him to feel he can play both sides of the fence. There's still something there he is not turning loose.

How about giving us more background, and stick around?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Painter
H could really get in touch with OW at any time in the future if he wants to... I'm hoping he won't want to. smile But I don't see how I can react to thoughts and intentions he has - my boundaries are all in response to actions.

The phone issue has been cleared up since I posted last - he willingly came clean when asked. It felt like progress.

He says he has already ended it and doesn't want to stir things up by sending her an e-mail. Knowing H, it's a typical reaction. He does not like to rock the boat. I think I'm going to let the counselor take the lead on this, she knows that he has met 2 out of the 3 requirements I had. Since he feels that I have been controlling in the M, I don't think it's a good idea to push the issue as long as he states he is working to save the M.

Does that make sense?


It makes SENSE, but it's dangerous and I don't agree with it.

It makes sense to me because I DID THE EXACT SAME THING. My wife said "I've already told him (her OM) it's over; sending him a no-contact letter now would only re-open things with him and I don't want to do that." I capitulated (because, like you, she had agreed to 3 out of 4 of my "deal-breakers" and was only balking on this one), and her affair re-ignited. I regretted not having stood firm.

There's really two separate issues: one is the efficacy and importance of the NC letter itself, and what it conveys to his OW. The second is that your husband should be at a stage where he's pretty much willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to try to repair the marriage with you, as long as you ask it honestly and respectfully. If you said "Honey, in order for me to feel safe in the marriage again, I need you to stand on your head once every morning for 15 seconds, so I can watch you do it," he should still do it.

You're basically saying "This is what I need in order to feel safe in the marriage again, considering your infidelity" and he's basically saying "Screw you -- I know best, I'll handle it."


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 05/20/15 01:55 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I would like to encourage you to post in Newcomers for a while, so you will get more replies. Something led you here to the board, didn't it?

I was the betrayer in my M. I tried to do what your H said about not contacting OW, yet won't send the letter. Without that final letter that states it is over forever, then he is leaving the back door open.......

If you don't feel you can push it right now, that's your decision, but I am concerned the MC's implications and your acceptance is causing him to feel he can play both sides of the fence. There's still something there he is not turning loose.

How about giving us more background, and stick around?



Hi Sandi,

Thank you for replying and sharing your experience. The MC said to H that she hoped he would get to the point where he would be willing to send the letter. I think she wanted to give him time to come out of the fog a little first? I understand what you're saying about keeping the back door open, I'm hoping that when there's a little more distance to the A and if there's a little more optimism in regards to our M, he will do it. I don't want to push him to do it against his will, because so much of the problem has been his inability to stand up for himself and express his needs. I will express it as a wish at some point - something I need him to do - and hope that he will choose to do it.

I have been posting in Newcomers for a few weeks, I joined the board in April, I think. It was our MC who told me to get on here. I don't know if our situation fits neatly into any specific category... We have both committed to work on the marriage with the MC, but we both know we may not succeed in reaching our goal. H is doing it in spite of his wishes - he really just wants to be alone, but he feels an obligation to attempt to salvage our M. Like you say here, I have the gift of time and I'm trying to use it wisely.

I'm really sort of uncomfortable posting in a public board that anyone on the internet can read (including H), and keep wondering if I should ask to have my posts and profile deleted... I ran a support board for stepfamilies for almost a decade, but all forums except one was closed for non-members.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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Starsky, thank you for sharing your experience. It's interesting that you went through the same thing!

I understand what you're saying about the back door being open, I absolutely agree. I will attend to closing it at some point, I just want to time it right. What is it they say about eating an elephant, you have to do it one bite at a time? wink


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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