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I think the lying is their guilt, they are trying to escape from their emotional pain too..


Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs
M:14 years
T:18 years
D:10 D:6
BD: 13/04/15
S: in progress
Joined: Jan 2000
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Lying is their way of protecting you, as well as the affair. It's to cover up the shame and guilt of what they are doing or have done. They don't care about the consequences, just as long as they are happy and are getting the ego kibbles that they desire.

If their lips move, they are lying about a lot of things. They are like children and when children do something that the parents may not like, they tend to cover it up or lie about it.

In time, if you listen closely, your h will babble because he will have loose lips. The more you try to pry information out of him, the more he's going to clam up at this time. The best thing to do is sit quietly and allow the answers to fall into your lap. Trust me, at some point, when he feels comfortable enough to start talking about what he's doing, he will tell you things in a roundabout way...but you have to listen and not question.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2568973 05/18/15 01:11 PM
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Thanks, Job. Once he starts sharing info about what he is doing, do you not just sit and not question infinitely? Why do they start sharing, because they decide they want it out in the open? So confusing!

Last edited by BW05; 05/18/15 01:12 PM.

Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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The best way to get your questions answers is to sit and just listen. When he's completely done w/the ow and has settled back down, he will open up more than he is doing so right now. You'll have your opportunity to ask questions...but that's a long way off.

They start running off at the mouth because they can't contain themselves any longer. They like to brag, talk about all that they are doing and show people, especially you, just how happy they are w/their brand new lives. Guess what...if they were so darn happy, they wouldn't need to brag out stuff.

BTW, it's not a matter of wanting it out in the open, but they tend to forget themselves and they drop hints throughout their conversations w/you. That's why it is important to listen closely and then sift through the garbage coming out of their mouths. You will learn more by listening then questioning at this time.

It's confusing, but you'll get the hang of this stuff. It takes time to hone your listening skills and, of course, learning to be patient. You'll need to dig deeper for more patience and just be still right now. Trust me, the answers will come when you least expect them to. It works every time. You can't rush this process or you'll push him even further away. Allow the affair to die a slow, natural death and let those two see each other's warts and all w/o any help from you. You don't want to give him any more justification for being her "knight to the rescue".

Keep the focus on you. BTW, did you read the material that Cadet provided to you a while back? If so, go back and re-read it. There is a lot of valuable info there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2568979 05/18/15 01:34 PM
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Yes, I did read the links, but need to reread.

I assume journaling things you pick up is a good idea. Time and patience!


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Having a down day after a fairly good weekend. I think it might be partially due to the weather since it is a drizzly and dreary day. Also, it is hard because the weekends are when H and I have most interaction and conversation. It is like I get my fix and then go through withdrawals. Pathetic, but I miss our companionship. This weekend I had more of that then in a long time. Would be nice to get a text or two through out the work week to just say hello to show he is thinking about me. Clearly he is not. I know, I am being greedy.

Also, I realize that I am obsessing over A. Have so many questions that I cannot ask and that have to be put on back burner. I need to just stop since I have no control over it anyway. Hopefully, if it is still going on, it will die a fast death. I do feel my H is making attempt to rest abolish friendship, but I do question his motives.. I have to me positive about this since I know many on here have no contact.

I do have question about my H's repeated comments and concerns about my level of trust in him since finding out their was A. I think he has mentioned some facet of this 4-5 times. Any thoughts on why he is very focused on this, especially if he has been so adamant our marriage is horrible and not sure he wants to stay? Is this most likely about concerns for hiding an on going A? Or is there a possibility he actual does have concerns I might not get over the A and trust him again?

Anyway, now more importantly about ME...
Anyway, tonight I am going to focus on positive affirmations and continue reading on anger mgmt. Gal plans for week...dinner with friend on Wednesday, bootcamp each morning, and walk with dog each evening.

I will be gone Mon-Thurs with major work conference. Looking forward to distraction. Then off to Dublin, Ireland next Friday for work. Yeah!

Last edited by BW05; 05/18/15 11:00 PM.

Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
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Weekends are always worse... No routine to keep you going.

Here's what worked for me: I asked H very calmly about the affair. I'm thinking this was after we had decided to reconcile, though. Then I just listened and asked short follow-up questions. I didn't press, and there were several rounds of this. I tried to not wear him out (keep it going too long). I thanked him every time for ansewring my questions and being honest with me. I never got worked up or attacked him over his answers (like 'How could you??' or similar). I told him we could talk about anything as long as he was open and honest. He didn't understand why I wanted to know, he didn't (when his ex cheated), but I just said 'I guess we're different'.

I did say early on that if he was truly happier with OW, I wouldn't want to keep him from being happy. That seemed to make an impression on him.

I'm not clear on your H's affair - has he said it's over? He is probably concerned about your opinion of him, even if he's involved with someone else. You do matter to him, even if his priorities are mixed up and his brain has short-circuited. He could also be testing to see if he thinks there's hope for the two of you. H was very concerned that I would never trust him again so there was no reason to try to save the marriage. I told him honestly that I didn't know what would happen or how long it would take, and that it would depend a lot on his behavior forward if I could trust him again.

Write everything in your journal - thoughts and questions, so you can remember later. I often write at bedtime so I can put the thoughts away and get some sleep.

Google 'not just friends' - I found some resources that helped me tremendously through the initial phase.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
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Divorced 6/15/17
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"I do have question about my H's repeated comments and concerns about my level of trust in him since finding out their was A. I think he has mentioned some facet of this 4-5 times. Any thoughts on why he is very focused on this, especially if he has been so adamant our marriage is horrible and not sure he wants to stay? Is this most likely about concerns for hiding an on going A? Or is there a possibility he actual does have concerns I might not get over the A and trust him again?"

We don't know and if we did he'd feel differently by the time we responded. He might be testing the road home, but whether he feels it is paved could work either way (he has to feel he can return, but has to feel he could lose you, etc, etc, etc...). So let him wonder what's going on in his head. You don't need to.


"Anyway, now more importantly about ME..."

This cheered me up. Good job recognizing what's important. You're learning. And your GAL activities are great!


"Having a down day after a fairly good weekend."

Hang in and keep posting. It would only be pathetic if you were so casual about M that you became raging angry and ejected him from your life turning him into a monster. Loving someone deeply and appreciating how valuable that is? NOT pathetic. But do feel better soon!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thanks for sharing, Painter. Yes, we have had couple of very calm conversations about affair and I did ask some questions. I confronted him a few weeks ago after finding evidence. He admitted to it straight away saying our marriage was as bad as it could get, so no reason to lie. He said it started in October when he was unemployed and being supported by me. He said I found evidence because affair was no longer going on. It makes no sense whatsoever and said as much to him. I also question to myself that it started in October. I thought/think that the A started after our fight in March--as in mid-April. I think he wants me to think that this is something in the past and well over. I just keep thinking back to October and just don't see that going on, but I could be blind. Is it feasible that he would make up start of A date in past to throw me off!? There is just something off about timing.

I would say I am about 99% certain that it is still going on, though H tells me to my face that it is not. So I have to go with that until I have further evidence that does not require snooping. Things add up to it though...late nights out, working late, will not tell me who he had A with, dieting, working out, the mysterious extended business trip ( I confirmed with hotel after charge for only one night came through that he did check out as originally planned), getting defensive about photos of female on phone, being super secretive, etc. I think I may have figured out who it is too, but not 100%. Everyone is advising not to confront as it won't stop him and will just push him towards OW.

I have told him that I do want to try and get past this and want try and forgive him, but it will take time to trust him and that there is a lot of work to happen before then. I put it into same context as him being hesitant to trust me and my changes. He seem to understand.

Last edited by BW05; 05/19/15 01:32 AM.

Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Not going to lie, Zues. I have recently had fleeting thoughts of giving up on M, but I quickly bounce out of it. Mostly, because I don't like this current version of H, but realize he us not himself right now. Just having hard time with the lies.

Need to just focus primarily on me this week.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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