Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Cadet...how do I link my last thread to this one?

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2557358#Post2557358

Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/15 09:34 PM. Reason: Link

Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
H came and loaded up all his stuff. I didn't help him at all.
There were tears on my part and foolishly I let my mouth run asking him how he could leave me to take care of the house and everything else by myself. I need to buy some duct tape and STFU!
Going to have to really work on being able to forgive him for doing this to me. Everytime I work on the house trying to get it ready to sell I get angry with him.
He is so selfish and all about him. His new life, his new start, his new business.
Argh I want to be with him and have a good marriage and then I think why? Why would I want to be with someone that couldn't put me and our family first? He was unhappy...well welcome to the club. Lots of people are unhappy. You work things through, you work things out. You don't just bail!
Having a really rough day today. One of my closest friends from work called me last night. She has been diagnosed with lung cancer. Finds out more on Wednesday. She is scared to death and I am for her as well. Lots of prayers being sent her way from me. Then this morning my mother tells me that my sister-in-law just found out that she is 2 months pregnant. Normally that would be joyous news, however she is an alcoholic and the doctors have suggested that she abort the baby because she had been drinking so heavily for the past few months. Maybe this will convince her to get the help that she needs. So sad!

I'm going to guided meditation tonight to try to clear my head a bit from all this trauma.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thanks cadet smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Originally Posted By: Diana45
H came and loaded up all his stuff. I didn't help him at all.
There were tears on my part and foolishly I let my mouth run asking him how he could leave me to take care of the house and everything else by myself. I need to buy some duct tape and STFU!
Going to have to really work on being able to forgive him for doing this to me. Everytime I work on the house trying to get it ready to sell I get angry with him.
He is so selfish and all about him. His new life, his new start, his new business.
Argh I want to be with him and have a good marriage and then I think why? Why would I want to be with someone that couldn't put me and our family first? He was unhappy...well welcome to the club. Lots of people are unhappy. You work things through, you work things out. You don't just bail!


It's hard to STFU, really hard at times. Just keep trying and it gets somewhat easier to keep your mouth closed. Yes, hes selfish. I feel the same as you do in most of these statements, yet about my W. Its hard to see them do this and not care about you. At times its so confusing how they could be so cold to your pain, how they could even consider doing all of this. I'm still trying to face this myself, but we have to see it as they aren't doing this to us, its just a side effect of what they think they need. They want this other life so badly they ignore what its doing to the rest of the life they are leaving behind.

You want to be with him the same reason we all do, love. Its not logical, but it is what it is. It can be the greatest thing in the world, but also the most painful.

Keep up the GAL Diana, one day we will be OK. We just have a hard painful road to pass through first.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
Things get better. Be patient with yourselves. When I went through mine I played games in my head. I used to imagine how life would look like. I tried to look at my new life in exciting ways. Eating what I wanted going places. But the fear would drown my imagination. I kept doing it. Imagining wonderful things. Slowly I began to remember who I was. It took a couple of years. I still deal with fear but Im humble now.

You will come out the other side soon. Regardless of the outcome of your stich. And you will make mistakes at DBing. If you didnt you wouldnt be here and the world would have been cured by you.

So GAL and try and remember the wonderful falable human being you are.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thank you Fogg and Rick.
Yes we all make it through. Patience, patience, patiemce.
I feel much better after meditation tonight.
Made a stop at my best friends house tonight and filled her in about my lovely day. I know what I have to do and what I need to get done.
H is going away for the long weekend. Tuesday we have our first couples counselling. We will see how that goes.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Aquafitness and water yoga this morning. Then had a pedicure.
Had to drive my son to work today. His ride called in sick again. He so needs to buy his own car. Grumble! That is something we will be working on over the long weekend.
Now that all of my Hs stuff is gone I can finally paint his old office from the God awful green color he painted it to a more neutral color. Will bring up a spare bed from the basement and stage it. Bam...one room done...rest of the house to do. Lol
I'm off to see the wizard...NOT. I am off to see my H tonight. He will be out of town from Thursday until Monday and asked if I would come spend the evening and night with him since we won't see each other over the weekend.
I am feeling better today. The sun is shining. I really need to go to the gym more often. Working the body makes me feel so much better. I also love my purple nail polish....the color is called Purple with a Purpose. Made me think Diana with a purpose. I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
So, a couple of days ago an old boyfriend friended me on facebook. We hadn't seen each other since I was 19. Weird I thought but accepted his friend request, mainly out of curiosity. He messaged me right away. Seems that he had been an alcoholic and drug user for most of his adult life and had finally become clean about a year ago. Him reaching out to me was making amends and asking my forgiveness. Of course I had already forgiven him many years ago and was genuinely happy for him for getting sober. We chatted for a little while catching up on each others lives. I asked him about his son. Last time I saw him, his then girlfriend was pregnant. He told me they broke up before his son was born and she asked him to never contact her or try to see his son ever. So he didn't.
I told him if he is trying to make amends with people she would be number one on his list and his son had a right to know about his father. Of course he was concerned about what kind of reaction he would get or if he could even find them.
I told him, what do you have to loose? Just try.
He found them! After the initial shock, both his ex girlfriend and his son were happy to hear from him. He had a three hour conversation with his son this morning and found out he is a grandfather as well.
He called me today and repeatedly thanked me for giving him this guidance.
I feel so good about having had such a positive influence on this situation. His life and his sons life have now forever changed for the better.
Also made me realize that holding on to the resentment towards my husband is a stupid thing. I forgive him for leaving me at the worst time of my life. Both of our lives have now changed for the better. Whatever will be, will be. We will work on our respective issues alone and on our marriage together. I see a bright future ahead of me. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: Diana45
I feel so good about having had such a positive influence on this situation. His life and his sons life have now forever changed for the better.
Also made me realize that holding on to the resentment towards my husband is a stupid thing. I forgive him for leaving me at the worst time of my life. Both of our lives have now changed for the better. Whatever will be, will be. We will work on our respective issues alone and on our marriage together. I see a bright future ahead of me. smile
Hi Diana.

I don't think I've checked in on you in a while. I am so sorry!

What a terrific job you did advising your old boyfriend. You should feel good! The story makes me feel good, too, I have goosebumps! You have always come across to me as a caring person and it truly shows by the way you took the time to advise him.

What you wrote about resentment is very true. It's hard to let go of it when someone, especially our spouse, has wronged us. But it's so important for you as it helps you let go of the past and move forward.

*Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi Bob,

Nice to hear from you.

Yes moving forward is what I am doing. Funny thing is the better I get at moving forward the more insecure my H gets. He woke up last night from a nightmare in which I had found someone else. He is really worried that I will leave him behind.

How is your situation going? Have you heard anything from your wife?


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
The story about the ex boyfriend is awesome, good job.

Originally Posted By: Diana45
Also made me realize that holding on to the resentment towards my husband is a stupid thing. I forgive him for leaving me at the worst time of my life. Both of our lives have now changed for the better. Whatever will be, will be. We will work on our respective issues alone and on our marriage together. I see a bright future ahead of me. smile


^^ This is good stuff. Those emotions/feeling are likely to come back up at some point, only natural, but you acknowledged its not good for you to hold onto them. The best thing we can do is experience them and let them pass.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
So why can't my H just call me when he says he will?
This is 2 nights in a row I haven't heard from him.
He wants us to get back together after we get our separate issues and couples issues figured out, yet he doesn't have the common decency to treat me with respect. If he told any of his guy friends that he would call you betcha that nothing would stop him from calling them. Why does he do that?
I really, really need to figure out if I want to get back together with a man that thinks so little of me.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Working around the house today and it's so overwhelming.
So much stuff to get rid of and not enough time and energy to do it.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Diana... Just got up to speed on your thread. Strong Work Girl! You have your ups and downs, but that was awesome about the X-BF!

As for today. Could you hire someone? Or get friends to help or family? Or burn down the house (just kidding). If you don't want to do it. Don't. Can't it wait?

In my sich... I've talked a lot about X not doing what she said she would do. People told me that perhaps I have expectations. I guess I do, and my advice is to not have them... even though that is difficult.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Good morning mahhhty, thanks so much for stopping by and giving advice.

Yes I am thinking of paying for some of the work to be done and yes I thought about burning the house down. I'm hoping to mobilize some friends and family this week. One day at a time trying to get this house ready. Just wish it was already done and sold so I can move on with my life. Lol

Today is our first MC session. Not sure how it will go, but keeping an open mind.
Also have an IC session later in the day. I think I will be all talked out by this afternoon.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
You aren't alone. I've thought of burning it done before. Obviously daydreaming. No matter how you get there you will be stronger on the other end.

Good luck with MC and IC!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
So how did yesterday go?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
The counselling was good. The rest of it not so much. Not anything to do with my H. Lol!! Kids being difficult, my mother and brothers being super critical and negative on everything. Very frustrating at times.

My H talked mostly in the MC session. It was surprising and nice to hear how much he doesn't want a divorce and how he wants for our marriage to be better and stronger than the one we had. The counsellor said she was pleasantly surprised with us, since most often she only sees couples that fight. We don't fight much anymore. We listen to each other more and agree to disagree. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
That sounds like a positive situation with your H in MC.

Whats going on with your Mom and Brothers?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: Diana45
Hi Bob,

Nice to hear from you.

Yes moving forward is what I am doing. Funny thing is the better I get at moving forward the more insecure my H gets. He woke up last night from a nightmare in which I had found someone else. He is really worried that I will leave him behind.

How is your situation going? Have you heard anything from your wife?
Hi Diana,

Good to hear that you are moving forward. Obviously, you have gotten your H's attention. I think it was mahhhty who reminded you not to have any expecations re: your H calling and such. I have no idea how many times my W has said she would call the next night and it would be, if I was lucky, one week later. Sound advice from mahhhty, as always.

Thank you for asking about my wife. I did hear from her 2 nights ago for the first time in about 3 weeks. Wonka, Toots, mahhhty and others helped me with a reply. I don't want to hijack your thread. If you are up to it and have time, stop on by mine. wink

I think you are hanging in there strong! Please take care.

*Hugs*


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Originally Posted By: mahhhty
That sounds like a positive situation with your H in MC.

Whats going on with your Mom and Brothers?



Mahhhty ,

Yes the counselling was very good.
My family does not want me to get back together with my husband.
They are negative and critical about everything I do. I don't do enough for my children, I do too much for my children. My mother has told me time and time again that I'm a terrible mother. They think I put my husband before my kids. They are miserable and want me to be miserable just like them. It's been a power struggle all my life. It also negatively affected my relationship with my H. He was always considered an outsider, not good enough for them. I know that really bothered him.
My body finally said enough too. Stress aggravates my disease and I have a lot of stress from everywhere. I can't please everyone all the time. Now I need to think of myself. My H makes me happy. He is my family! Yes I love my children too, but they are adults and need to take care of themselves.
For now I walk a tightrope and keep things to myself. I have a few months to get this house ready and then sell it. I know when I finally tell my family that I want to move away with my H and start a fresh life, all he'll is going to break loose. I know I will loose all contact with my mother and brothers for a while, but that is what I will have to do for me.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Bob,

I will check in on your post today.
Thanks for stopping by.

I spoke to H about some of the things that I need him to do to rebuild trust. One is calling when he says he will. It only takes a minute to check in. He can at least do that. He has agreed that since that is important to me that he will do that from now on.

Every couple of days we check in and talk about us for 20 minutes. We can agree to disagree if we can't find resolutions, but at the end of the talk we leave it there. We spend time cooking together and laughing together. We have our spark back, but I know it's a long road ahead of us still. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
What a busy few days. I cleaned up more if the house. Loaded up a trailer of garbage and need to do a dump run. I had a garage sale on Sunday and will have another one again this weekend. Had 4 cats and a dog microchipped and vaccinated against rabies. Very, very busy.

Now to the best part. My H was Sick with a high fever since Saturday. I've been taking care of him since Sunday afternoon and finally convinced him to go to the hospital last night. He has a strep throat infection that can get quite serious if untreated. He is on penicillin now and should be fine within a few days. Now if anyone has been following my situation you would know that my husband left me while I was going through a health crisis. Over the past few days he has apologized perfusely about not being there for me. I'm glad he now sees that when you are in a partnership that caring for each other through sickness and in health is vital. I'm glad he is ok as I was truly concerned for his well being, but am happy he has seen the light when it comes to this particular aspect of our relationship. God truly does work in mysterious ways. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Well, that didn't work out so well. My H had an allergic reaction to the penicillin and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. I made it there shortly after...at 5:30 am. Spent 5 hours there with him getting pumped full of fluids, antihistamines and antibiotics. He was pretty groggy and delirious for most of the day. Took him to his house and tucked him in. Made sure all his medications were in order. Got home around 10 pm and was just exhausted.

Not sure what is the matter with me today. Pretty much spent the last 4 days straight with my H, yet I feel empty. I did what every loving wife would do, I took care of my husband in his time of need. Yet He did not do the same for me. He knows that he should have and he knows he has to go and figure out why he could not be there for me. I don't know If he will ever make it up to me.

He is never coming home and things will never be the same. He is moving away and the only way I will be with him again is if I sell my house, leave my job, move my kids out and get rid of most of my animals and then move to be here with him. Does that seem a bit one sided? It sure feels that way today. I think next week I will talk to my counsellor about it and also bring it up in MC.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Diana,
That is totally one sided. I would be interested in hearing what the IC says.

As for your family, have you ever sternly told them your position (in an attempt to get them to be more supportive)? I had to do something similar, and from that point forward my family has been really supportive.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi mahhhty,

I have an appointment with my IC on Monday and will see if we can address it.
I do wish to change my life, but all of it all at once is quite overwhelming for me, especially since I have to trust him to be here for me. I still can't say 100% that he will be.

My family...well..they are what they are. My children know that I want to be wih my husband. Surprisingly, my son completely understands. He and my H never really got along, yet he supports me the most. My son has been dating a girl for the past 2 years that was his first girlfriend when he was 16. The breakup was horrible. Many years later in college they re-kindled their relationship, against everyone's wishes. So I guess he gets it. Lol! My daughter hates my H. They were very close and she feels betrayed by him. I hope one day they can be close again. My mother knows I've been seeing my H again. She doesn't like it, but every time she says something negative I shut her out, so now she rarely talks about him. Would my family support me knowing that I want to move away. I doubt it. Somehow, someway my family has always had a hold over me. They will not like loosing that hold. I actually think that "Codependant no more" will be in my near reading future.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
If you decided to move away, would you be leaving behind everyone (kids, mother and brothers)?

I would imagine it would be difficult to leave your kids behind. Or is it closer to where they are?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
If I move to where he is going it's about a 2 hour drive from where we are now. My son would definately stay here because of his job and his girlfriend. My daughter I don't know. She needs to get out on her own and live her life. As of right now, she doesn't work, she doesn't go to school, all she does is play video games and watch videos and movies on her computer all day and night. She does not contribute financially and rarely helps around the house. For my own sanity and physical well being she needs to not live with me and if she does stay with me things have to change drastically. My H has already said he will not live with her again. My kids and my family were a huge reason as to why my H left. I enabled all of them, always doing everything for everyone. Even my illness didn't put a stop to it. I get that I have to cut the umbilical cord, for them and for me. My H said he has been telling me for years to do this because he saw I was suffering. I wouldn't listen. I actually did listen, but didn't know what to do about it. It seemed like no one was willing to help me. I was working 50 hours a week in a very physically demanding job, looking after all of the house and chores, battling my illness taking up to 17 pills a day, then low dose chemo for a few months. I didn't have the energy to fight with anyone, including my kids and family. These next few months are do or die time for my daughter. She needs to get off her ass and do something.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Yikes. There is a lot of strength shown in doing whatever it takes. However, I think you are right now, your D needs to live her life. It is the only one she will get.

Maybe take her to a TEDx talk in your area. Perhaps listening to very motivated people for an entire day will snap her out of her funk.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hello Dear Diana,

I’ve been very busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days, so I just wanted to stop by and say "Hello!" and let you know that I haven't forgotten about you.

I came across this verse today. I found it comforting, and maybe you will, too.

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

{{{{Diana}}}}

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Mahhhty,

I have never heard of TEDx talk. Not sure we have this up here in Canada.
I have been trying to get her into youth counselling, but she is adamantly against it. I understand she is afraid of change, this is scary and new to both of us, but she needs to grow up. I have a week before I go away, we will need to make the most of it and get her out there. smile Positive thinking!

In the meantime, I think my H is finally on the mend. He is still terrified I will find someone else while I'm in Europe. Lol! His problem, not mine. I have always been faithful to him and committed to my marriage. He will just have to deal with his feelings, like I had to ( and still am) with mine.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374


“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

Hi Bob,

Thanks for stopping by. I so appreciate your support.

When my H first left I went to the dollar store and bought a cheap wall plaque. I hung it in my front hallway, so every time I walked in or out of the house I would see it. It says:

"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!"

Patience and counting my blessings every day!

*hugs*


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Originally Posted By: Diana45
"If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it!"

Patience and counting my blessings every day!
Diana,

You're very welcome! I like that saying a lot. I am going to write it down. grin

I'm happy to hear that you have patience and count your blessings every day. I try my best to do the same.

Take care of yourself, please?

{{{Diana}}}


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Originally Posted By: Diana45

In the meantime, I think my H is finally on the mend. He is still terrified I will find someone else while I'm in Europe. Lol! His problem, not mine. I have always been faithful to him and committed to my marriage. He will just have to deal with his feelings, like I had to ( and still am) with mine.


Damn right he will! Tell him to get his head out of his arse. He can't have his cake and eat it too!

As for TEDx, google Ted Talks and you will find a ton of videos, but there are also live events in the US and Canada. They are very motivational (as long as you can find the right topics. Topics range from wildlife, ocean, etc to personal development, achievement, success).


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Well, I'm on my way. Three weeks in Europe. My H cried this morning. He didn't want me to go. I didn't want to go either. Sigh!

This will be a big test all the way around. I have to let go of trying to micro manage everything. My kids will have to step up and be responsible for the house and themselves. My H will have to miss him as much as I miss him and we will have to trust each other.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
I'm coming home in 3 days. I've missed my H quite a lot. We have talked daily.
I do wonder what the future holds for us. We want to be together, but have many hurdles to cross. He has to move and establish his business in a new town and I have to get my house ready to sell, sell it, find homes for some of my cats, launch my adult children into the world, deal with my illness, figure out what to do about my job, find a new career, deal with my family, etc, etc.
One day at a time. When I think about all I have ahead of me I get overwhelmed sometimes.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
I hope you had fun in Europe!

It sounds a lot like you have things to do and he has his things to do. I'm not sold, why aren't the two of you dealing with all of these things together? It seems like he gets to make the major moves and you get to follow and pick up the pieces.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
How are things going?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
I've been sick with a major cold for the last week and a half. Coughing, trouble breathing, swollen glands, infected eyes. Made it to a doctor Thursday and got codeine cough syrup and an asthma puffer for my lungs. Today I finally made it out and did a bit of grocery shopping.

My trip to Europe was stressful. I was there to take care of my 18 month old niece. My brother works all over the place and only flies home on weekends. My SIL is finally getting treatment for alcoholism and a slew of other problems. She is in a 15 week program. I took the first three weeks, but couldn't stay longer since I have monthly doctors appointments to deal with my health issues. My mother flew in the day before I left and will be looking after my niece until my SIL gets out of treatment. The biggest problem there is that my brother and SIL live in the same house as her parents. They are overbearing, righteous, greedy people that always have to stick their nose into everything. I grit my teeth for two weeks and kept calm, but the third week there my niece came down with a wicked cold(that she passed on to me) and my SIL's father was trash talking about me to my SIL and brother. I lost it on him. Told him that I am not his daughter and how dare he question my parenting ability. I have already raised kids, mostly as a single parent. Anyways, the trip was stressful. I was happy to spend time with my niece and of course ate all my favorite German foods. I was glad to come home.

Of course, once I got home I was so sick that I didn't make it out of bed for days. I was even too sick to scold my (adult) kids for leaving the house a complete and utter mess. Tuesday I finally had it out with my son. He brought his girlfriend and her kid over on a daily basis. They played house. Cooked here, watched TV here, often spent the night here (sleeping in my bed), but did not clean up after themselves at all. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen, dirty clothes on the floor in the basement, wrappers and garbage everywhere. I kicked them all out and read the riot act to my daughter about cleaning up after herself as well. Grumble!!!! Looks like my son will be of absolutely no help in getting this house ready to all.

Now to my husband. We were in daily contact while I was away. He was quite emotional at first, worried that I might not come back. Since I've been back things have been strained. He knows I have my doubts and that I feel a lot of resentment towards him for having to do the majority of the changes, especially getting the house cleaned out and ready to sell. Since I've been so sick I've also not spent a whole lot of time with him. To his credit, he has agreed to spend 2 to 3 days a week (depending on his teaching schedule) at the house with me to do some of the work. We will see if that will actually happen. He also came by a few times last week, offering to bring me cold medication and chicken noodle soup. On Thursday when I went to see the doctor about my cold, he rescheduled his students for the afternoon so he could go with me and make sure I was ok. I think he really is trying to make an effort. He has downloaded a copy of the 5 Love Languages. I told him that he needed to learn how to speak my love language and keep my love tank full and that I would try to do the same for him. He has gone away for the weekend to spend time with his best friend and to do some networking for his business in the city that he is moving to in September. One thing that always bothered me, is that when he would go down here for the weekend I would hardly ever hear from him. My IC and I talked about this in May and she suggested I tell him how I feel about it. It would be one way he could regain my trust. He fell off he wagon pretty much right away. When he called me Saturday morning I again told him that yes he is not a phone person and he doesn't text very often, but that this was not about him, it was about me and that I needed this to show me that he cares how I feel. He promised to try harder and for the rest of the day he text me a few times and called me in the evening to say goodnight. Small success!!! It made me happy.

Now my mini novel is done. Will journal again...sooner this time.

Thanks for checking in on me mahhhty! smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Time to do a little update!
Not really sure if anyone is listening.

I had a couple meltdowns this week. I guess I still feel insecure about my H moving away in September. We went for dinner Friday night and a bike ride Saturday. We did have a great time, but I feel he is distancing himself from me. At the suggestion of my IC and our MC I did tell him that I need reassurance from him that he still wants me to move down there to be with him. He got defensive and upset about that. He says if He says it to me once he shouldn't have to say it again. I told him that he might be wired like that, but that I am not. I do believe my LL is words of affirmation. He has downloaded a copy of LL and I asked him to please read it to understand where I'm coming from. I do get upset sometimes that I get treated like a GF and not as a wife. He does always introduce me as his wife when we meet new people, but still I can't help how I feel. Difference is that when I was his GF he actually tried to be loving and kind to me. Often I feel like an afterthought to him. Sometimes I wonder if he is the right man for me. Even he has said that. If he is not the right man for me he will walk away and be happy for me. What does that mean? Arrrggghhh! I get so frustrated at times. If he wants me in his life like he says he does, why does he not make more of an effort? I know I should be happy that we are"together", that he tells me he loves me every day. At times I feel like I should hold back and not tell him how I feel. I do try to have a PMA and STFU when we are out on a date or spending time together. It's hard! I have been sick with a nasty cold for the past few weeks, so my GAL activities and working around the house have suffered. This week, hopefully I will be able to get back on the wagon for those. I know being sick and miserable makes me more needy. I don't want to need him, but I do want him in my life.
Financially he is having a hard time and he has said he's not sure if he can afford to move by September. Not sure if this was the wrong thing to do, but I did suggest that he could come home and save up money for his move and go down after Christmas. The rescuer in me coming out again.
I did have an eye opener this week at our accountants. I got actual figures on his income over the past two years. He only made $8000 one year and $11000 for last year. No wonder he kept dipping into our joint account. That barely even covers his bills. Moving forward, that is something that has to change. Now that I'm on disability and possible have to leave my job of 17 years, I can not afford to support him as well as myself. I know I still carry some resentment over the fact he worked so little, while I worked myself half to death and still had to do 99% of the housework. I think another appointment with my IC is in order. Grumble!
Does it seem sometimes that he is cake eating? Maybe when he moves he won't want me to be with him after all? I need to find a way to be ok with either scenario. Is there a way to DB and piece at the same time?


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Well, did it again. I started to talk about my insecurities. He is annoyed by it. Last MC session he said he wanted our marriage to work and that we have a great bond, now he's not so sure anymore what he wants. I really need to learn to STFU. If it is meant to be it will be...if not it won't. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at him, because he doesn't seem to care that he hurts me by his indifference.

Last edited by Diana45; 07/14/15 02:54 AM.

Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Diana, sorry about the colds and how stressful Europe was. Hope you at least had some enjoyment from the trip while helping the family.

Originally Posted By: Diana45
I think he really is trying to make an effort. He has downloaded a copy of the 5 Love Languages. I told him that he needed to learn how to speak my love language and keep my love tank full and that I would try to do the same for him.


Yes, I do see him trying to make an effort with what you have said, be patient. You stated you think your LL is words in another part of the post, have either of you taken the online test to see? I wouldn't help trying to speak a LL by either of you if you still don't know each others. The test only take a few minutes and gives you a good idea of what two are your main LL's. Not sure I would push this right now if things are getting strained again. You might just want to STFU for a while and let him figure things out. You putting pressure on him is going to make him run. Patience.

Originally Posted By: Diana45

Not really sure if anyone is listening.


Yes, people are here listening smile Sometimes it just takes time to catch up and notice others threads when we get consumed in our own.

Originally Posted By: Diana45
If he wants me in his life like he says he does, why does he not make more of an effort? I know I should be happy that we are"together", that he tells me he loves me every day.


Honestly, I'm a bit confused. I see so many examples of the effort hes putting in over your last few posts but it doesn't seem to be enough. If hes distancing himself from you(even as hes going on bike rides and dates out to dinner?) maybe your pursuing him too much. I think its possible your expecting too much from him too fast, give him time. I wish my W told me she loves me again and made any type of effort to rebuild our M. Slow down Diana, take a deep breath.


Originally Posted By: Diana45
Last MC session he said he wanted our marriage to work and that we have a great bond, now he's not so sure anymore what he wants. I really need to learn to STFU.


Give him time and space, don't put so much pressure. You have some great things happening but I think you want too much too fast. I understand there is pain and resentment but you have to look past that and what you really want in the future. If you want your M to have a chance to be rebuilt you have to look at this like a marathon and not a sprint.

Patience, patience, patience


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Fogg,

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I have a hard time being patient. I know I have to back off and just let it be. We have a MC scheduled for this Thursday and I will bring up some of my insecurities. I do feel like I'm running out of time. Plan is that he is moving Sept. 1st. That's in less than 7 weeks. He just informed me that he is leaving Monday morning to stay with his best friend in the city he is moving to and not coming back until Thursday. Uggghh! Basically I will get one or two texts a day and if I'm lucky a phone call at night (after midnight) if he has time.

Sometimes I feel that I'm the only one that is working to save this marriage. Will I ever be a priority in his life? I need to give my head a shake and not let my emotions be so affected by what he says (or doesn't say) and what he does.

If he really leaves in September I will have no choice but to detach. It is a two hour drive that I can't afford to do too often and neither can he.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
My anxiety is through the roof today. Heart is pounding in my chest. I feel so hopeless about the future of my M. Neither one of us is really working on the issues that caused BD. Whenever I try to bring up things like that he gets defensive and upset. I don't yell and scream and I always choose my words carefully so as to not cause uneccesary hurt to him. I do get weepy eyed when he just won't listen. He rants and raves and usually walks away saying that he is not doing this. Nothing ever gets resolved. Sometimes I do think I would be better off without him. He was a kind and loving man when we first met. He would bend over backwards to do things for me. Two years into our relationship he lost his job. He became sullen and withdrawn. I was super supportive for him to start his own business and worked extra hours to not only cover all the bills, but also the start up costs of starting his business. He never appreciated that and in fact did very little to help around he house. Even now that he rents a room in a house he does very little. His room is always a mess, the garbage can is overflowing, dust covers everything. Yet he called me a horrible housekeeper because usually I was too tired and sick to do much around the house before BD. I see the selfish traits in him. Only wanting to think about himself and only do things that benefit him. I think his idea of a perfect marriage would be us living as room mates with benefits. He has his life and I have mine. I asked him last night what he thought a marriage was supposed to be like....he never answered me. I need to write some of these points down to discuss them with our MC on Thursday.

Today I'm angry with him for being selfish. Time to burn off some of that anger by cleaning out clutter from the basement.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
I moved some broken furniture from the basement and accidentally set off a fire extinguisher. All the cats went scrambling and I had a good laugh about it. H called and was telling me all about his plans for his business move. I validated the crap out if it and encouraged as much as I could. Now I'm a mess. Can't help crying. I feel as if this move is the end of us. He will move and start a new life without me. I'm so pissed at his friends for encouraging and helping him with this. Why couldn't any of them tell him to work on his marriage and his life here with me instead of running away??


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Time to wrap it up for the day. I just can't seem to keep myself motivated. Gathered up 3 bags of garbage and tossed a few more broken things into the trailer to take to the dump. Still hate he fact that I have to do the majority of his on my own. I did come across a few pictures of my dad. I miss him so much. I wish he was here. He's been gone now for 12 years. I think my life would have been so different for me and my kids had he not died. Had a good cry about that today too. Just a blubbering mess today!!
I'm heading into town to see my best friend and then stopping by at my H's place.
Plan is that tomorrow evening he comes over here and helps me clean out the basement some more. I hope the temperature drops a bit for tomorrow. It's sweltering hot today. And I don't have AC in my house.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Sorry about your dad, Diana. Crying is a good release at times and is healthy, no shame in it. No AC in our house either but its comfortable inside at about 80 degrees. A nice cool shower helps smile

Enjoy the time with your friend and remember to STFU at H's.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Yes!!! Stocking up on the STFU smoothies! Lol


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
We'll, that went actually pretty good. Had a great heart to heart talk with my best friend. She understands me wanting to get back together with my H and supports whatever decision I will make. Then had dinner with my H. We watched Phantome of the Opera Live 25 th Annivrsary edition in his room after. We held hands as we were laying on his bed watching. Yes we were intimate after as well. Then I went home and snuggled with my kitties and dog.
I did get him to do the online quiz for the 5 LL. I thought his primary language was physical touch, but surprisingly it came back as Words of Affirmation. I will have to brush up on that and be more outspoken with him as far as encouragement and praise. Btw. My LL is Acts of Service and I told him that too.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
How do I DB when we are piecing, but H does not want to come home? He wants to start his new life in another town. He says he wants me to move there after I sell the house. He tells me he loves me and we spend quite a bit of time together. I feel like we are dating. I don't feel like his wife. That makes me sad. Sometimes I wonder if he is cake eating until he moves away. We both have slacked on counselling. We were supposed to have MC yesterday, but it got cancelled. He has not been to see his IC in over 2 months. He is not working on any of the issues that he contributed in the BD of our marriage. I do love him. He is bright and funny and caring (when he wants to be). He is also selfish. I'm not sure if he can ever truly live happily with someone. He can't grasp the concept that in a relationship, any relationship, you have to compromise. Sometimes (not all the time like I did) you have to put another persons needs before your own or at least consider another person before making decisions. If he can't ever change that, how can I ever live with him again? I've already raised my kids. I don't want to raise my husband. I want an equal partner that considers me and how things will affect me when he is making decisions. I'm confused!


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Diana,

I'm certainly no expert and I have only read this thread. I always wonder about someone saying they are in "piecing" the day after someone leaves. That just sounds.....illogical to me.

You seem like a wonderful lady and I know you want to be with your h. However, just reread your last post. If he isn't working on any of the issues, then you can't truly be in "piecing." Doesn't mean you can't get there, however, perhaps you are trying to assign a "label" to help you through this? I don't perceive this to be piecing and that isn't a bad thing. You just don't appear to be there yet. Maybe you get there and maybe you don't. Time will tell. I don't say any of this to be harsh. Just an observation.

Hang in there. And reread what you last wrote:)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/17/15 03:23 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thanks for checking in Georgiabelle.

In the couple of MC sessions H and I have been to he has said all the right things. How much he loves me, how he does not want a divorce and what an amazing bond we have. However, when trying to bring up things that caused or contributed to our BD he avoids and gets agitated. I will continue to GAL and get my house in order. I get discouraged spending time wih him, because he does not seem to want to work on himself as I am working on myself.

Basically, he wants me to fix the things that he had issues with (the kids, the animals, the house) and then move to be with him and everything will be hunky dory. That will not work! The underlying issues that he has will still be there. I will be in a much more vulnerable state having to leave my job, my family and pretty much everything behind. Unless I know that he is fully committed to working on our marriage and becoming a better "partner" how can I take that chance? I know that unless he works on himself I can't live with him. We will be getting right back on the Merry-Go-Round and in a years time we will be right back at this point again. Sometimes I just want to give up!


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Not feeling very motivated today. It's cold and wet today and I really should do dome more sorting and trashing in the basement. Tomorrow my BFF and her H are coming over and spending the afternoon, evening and next day with me to clear out more stuff. It's hard to downsize from a 4 bedroom house to a max. 2 bedroom apartment. I know I will feel much better when it happens, but the getting there is hard.
Had a nice hour long conversation about just random things like the PanAm Games with H. No R talk, no future talk, just nice normal conversation. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
The past few days I've done a lot of reading on this forum. It amazes me how strong people are and how freely they give advice to others in similar or even different situations. I know I should be grateful that H and I still have a "relationship". When I get discouraged I read how others stand strong through even greater adversity and it gives me strength in return.

I will continue to work on myself and on my house. Selling this house is not for him and our R, it is for me. For me to downsize and simplify my life. As much as I get upset at times I have to do this on my own, without his help. It is my house, my responsibility. When it's done I will feel better having accomplished a huge undertaking. I am also grateful that unlike most situations here, there are no L involved. We split our "stuff" fairly easy. He took what he came with and bought for himself and his business and I kept my house, the cars (all in my name and I pay the loans on them), most of the furniture and all the animals (he is not an animal lover). We have no children together. If D is in our future it will be a smile divorce. Here in Canada you have to wait a year if there was no cause. No A, no abuse. If H and I do reconcile it will be completely on us with no external factors.
I set up MC with a new counsellor. Hoping that will help with some of our issues.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana

Something about your sitch confuses me. Can I explain?

I see a woman, a kind and generous woman. One who takes on all of everyone else's burdens, their responsibilities. No worry Diana takes care of it, cats, dogs, guinea pigs, belongings. I see someone over burdened, working long hours to provide.

I see someone who has a serious physical illness struggling to provide at the same level before she was ill.

I also sense this is a Diana who hangs on to these burdens as she fills her life with belongings and the clutter of living. I see her struggling and hear confusion in her voice.

I see something of myself.

I believe Diana needs to put Diana, her health and wellbeing above all.

I have other questions I would like to ask of you but before I do, your observations on my views would be much appreciated.

You can say not relevant V if you wish.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/21/15 02:06 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
V,

Yes, yes and yes! I did take on everyone's burdens. I was always the responsible one. Took care of everything and everyone as best as I could. Now I feel I can't anymore. I'm burned out! Physically, mentally and emotionally burned out. I have this big house, filled with things I really don't want and need. I'm alone most of the time. My daughter is still here with me. Bless her heart, but she thinks she has to take care of me. I see her turning into the same person as I was. I don't want that for her. I want her to spread her wings and live her life.

I do love my H, but am taking a huge step back. He needs to live his life and grow up. Only then will our M have a chance. As much as I don't want to be alone, I have to be alone. I have to find myself again. I don't even know what it is that I like to do anymore. I'm on a new journey. My whole life has to change. It's scary walking away from everything I've known and done for the last 20 years, but if I don't I will always wonder "What if?".

Today is my daughters 23rd Birthday. We are going out for lunch at an Indian food restaurant (her favourite). Before that, my brother, her and I will be taking the second load of trash to the dump. Every bit that gets cleaned out feels like a burden lifting from my shoulders. I have to keep going. I know I will have tears when this house finally sells, but then I will have freedom from something else I really don't need and want.

V, by all means ask me anything. You are kind and wise. You have helped and guided so many people on this forum.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
Great Post V.

Diana, have fun with your D today!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thanks mahhhty,

Just heading out for lunch now, then going for haircuts!


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Hi Diana!

I finally had a little time to stop in and catch up on your sitch and just say hi and thanks for commenting on mine. In some ways, you seem very much like me and I see a lot of similarities.

While you have some vets commenting who are FAR more knowledgeable and helpful than I, one thing I can tell you for sure is that counseling has been invaluable for me. I would have loved to get my XH to go with me, but he was too interested in just getting out, but I did take the time to do it for me and it was the best decision I have ever made. The first few sessions, I could do nothing but cry my way through, but now, I am stronger, more confident.

One thing I read all the time on here is how things will get better with time and for me, that has proven to be entirely true. Our D was final in mid-December and XH moved and started a life with a new person in early Feb. While he focuses on someone else, I have focused on me and that has made all the difference for me.

Hang in there, Diana. I am living proof that it DOES get better and I hope the very same for you, lady. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello Diana,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so right to recognize that the changes you are making with your house & your life are for you, not your R. Is your H currently expecting you to move to his new location once the house is taken care of?

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana

What does burned out mean to you?

How can you sort to lay down these burdens, transfer them back to those they belong to?

At work we refer to this as carrying others monkeys. And we give them back to their owner, it's their responsibility to deal with the issue.

It might help you Diana to list each burden, big and small and decide who owns the issue. I can see you becoming lighter and calmer as each one is allocated to its correct owner. Sometimes that's not possible so we do have to deal, but the main deal is not to be reburdened. How could that happen?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Dawn,

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, time does help. I just think back to break-ups I had previously in my life. Some were very painful and at that time I never thought I would get over them. I know in time things will get better. I do have hope for my M, but I won't live my life consumed by the possibility. I can, I have had a life without my H. I can again, just this time I will be better and happier, with or without my H.

Cristy,

As much as I would love to have a session with a DB Coach, financially I just can not at this time. Being on disability for the past 4 months has cut my income in half and my savings are dwindling fast keeping this house afloat. Yes, my H does want me to move to where he is when he house is sold. I do not want to move in with him for a while, but do want to be in his area. I figure my D and I will rent an apartment together for a year. We will explore post-secondary education and work part-time to make ends meet. If after a year my M does not improve to the point that my H and I can live together, I will probably file for D and re-evaluate where I'm living.
Maybe after my house sells I will have he funds to do some DB counselling.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
V,

"Burned out" to me means hat I don't want to do anything for anyone, including myself. GAL is hard when I'm feeling like that and I have to really do a lot of pep talking to myself to get myself motivated.

My burdens. There are a lot!!!

My house: It is my house, it has always been my house. Many people have come and gone and lived in my house. None ever helped pay for the house. My fault, I thought being kind and taking people in was the right thing to do, but it would have been kinder to them and me if they would have paid their way. So, the house is being cleaned out of everyone's stuff. I'm being pretty ruthless. If it has been in my basement for years and they have not bothered to get their stuff it is going in the trash. I will get his house fixed up and ready to sell. I have some equity that will help me start a new life.

My illness (Scleroderma): It is my burden. I educate myself about treatments and tests. I do have an uphill battle ahead of me with my work's disability department. They want me to go back to work. I know that I will never be able to do the work I did for 17 years without crippling myself. I will fight them and already have the number of a top notch lawyer that has taken on my employer before. Btw...I built cars for a living for one of the top import car manufacturers. The days of installing tires, front windshields, dashboards are over for me. It [censored], since I was only 10 years away from retiring with a full pension. But if I stay for 10 more years I will be crippled or dead. On a brighter note, my BFF is big time into naturopathy. She has been helping me with supplements and vitamins as well as meditation and healing touch. I have her in my corner no matter what. My mother as well is much more sympathetic and does quite a bit of research for me.

My animals: Tough one!!! The Guineas have been re-homed to a wonderful young lady. She takes great care of them and sends me pictures once in a while. Funny thing is that I know her grandfather and have him on FB. She and her mom added me and I can keep up with what the Guinea boys are doing through there. My H, whose Guineas they were in the first place does not even ask about them. Kinda sad! My dog, I have had her for almost 11 years, since she was 8 weeks old. I want to keep her with me, but am accepting the fact that she might be better off living at my moms instead of an apartment with me. My dogs sister lived there until Christmas when she passed away. She has spent quite a bit of time having sleep-overs at Grandmas house. My mom also thinks it would be a good idea. My oldest cat has to come with me. She is a loner and very attached to me as I am attached to her. My problem kitty belongs to my son. He brought home the cat 6 years ago, but didn't take him with him when he left the house 2 years ago. I did make my son pay for all his vet bills throughout the years. My son and I are at odds right now, because I would not let him, his GF and her son flop at my house anymore. My son couch surfs between his GF's house, his buddy's and my moms house. He will not take responsibility for his cat, but my mom has agreed to take him. She has 13 acres and he would have the life of a pampered indoor/ outdoor cat. That leaves 3 more cats. One is my momma cat that a friend of my sons left behind when he lived at my house and then moved without her. My daughter has bonded with her and she will take care of her. That leaves my two boys. I still call them kittens, even tough hey are almost 5 years old and huge. They are absolute sweethearts and both very loving and clean. I have had them since the day they were born. I don't want to part with them. I have thought about re-homing them with a healthy incentive to whomever takes them and a clause that they have to give updates and give them back to me if they can't keep them. Still not sure about what to do there.

My stuff: I couldn't care less about my furniture or belongings. I just want to take the basics. Couch, coffee table, beds, a dresser each, the TV's (2), the computers. I have my collection of lady bugs in 2 boxes already. My D and I have pared down our clothes to maybe a quarter of what we had before. We are trying to sell as much as we can (clothes and furniture) and are giving away/donating/trashing what we can't.

My vehicles: One car I will keep. One car goes back at the end of October to the lease company. The motorcycle I am selling in the next few weeks. As much as I would like to keep it, I need the money and I don't want to worry about moving it in the fall when I move. I can always buy another one next spring.

My future: I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do for the rest of my working career. I try not to dwell on it too much. I have asked the universe to guide me. I am leaning towards something to do with animals. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would open an animal sanctuary. I will do research and see what kind of courses are available in animal care.

My H: He is no longer my burden. He has to take care of himself.

Ok, now this a long post. I have to wrap it up since I promised my brother I would check in on his dogs while he is at work.




Last edited by Diana45; 07/21/15 11:39 PM.

Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
Hi Diana,

I don't get online often (lately) but just wanted to say "Hello!" and want you to know I haven't forgotten about you.

God's blessings to you!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi Bob,

Thank you for dropping by!

You are a ray of sunshine on this board!
God's blessings to you too!


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Just doing a bit of journaling:

My H has gone to his soon to be new hometown. He is scouting out apartments and applying for jobs. Rationally, he is doing the right thing for himself. Emotionally, for me it s**ks!!! I really don't know if our M can be repaired with us not being able to see each other at all. Going to MC will be out of the question then. Will he continue IC?? Probably not. He will be too busy working and getting his business established. Sometimes he is wish washy about actually leaving Sept. 1st. He says if he doesn't have a job he won't go. Yesterday we had a brief conversation on the telephone and I told him he should go. He has enough money saved to get a small apartment and he will get a job if he needs to. As my BFF always says: Necessity is the mother of invention! He doesn't have much work up here anymore and delaying his move will not be good for his business. I feel like I'm pushing him to go, which is so not what I want, but him staying here will just make things worse for him. Again, I do worry that the physical distance between us will cause our M to be done. Not so much for him, but for me. Out of sight, out of mind! I will live by myself again and do the things I need to do for myself. Almost like hitting rewind to before we met 5 years ago. Like as if we never even happened. That actually makes me sad. I really don't need him in my life, but I really wanted him there. Now it seems that he will start a new chapter in his life without me and once I sell this house so will I. We have no ties, no kids, no animals, no mutual friends. Really we have nothing in common.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana

I am reviewing your very brave burdens post, there are some complexities I want to consider.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi V,

Review away!!! Any insight, guidance or advice are always welcome and much appreciated!


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
I think you are about to get some great feedback from V!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
I think so too mahhhty! Lol


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Diana,

You certainly have a lot on your plate!

You clearly have a heart of gold taking in everyone, their stuff and the furry family. I'm glad you are recognizing how important it is to take care of YOU.

There is much that can be done to get things moving in a more positive direction. Call me and we could work something out regarding the pricing for the DB coaching.

Regards,
Cristy


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thank you again for the offer Cristy. For now I have to decline. H and I are scheduled for MC with a new counsellor for this Wednesday. Those sessions are covered by my insurance through my employer. For now that will have to suffice.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Just a bit of journaling:

Took two trailer loads out of the house yesterday. One of furniture that I'm re-homing to my BFF's house ( she has 5 teens living in her house and extra furniture is always needed there). One was a dump run for garbage. Loaded up the trailer with more garbage yesterday and doing another dump run today. Going through the loft in the garage this afternoon to get more stuff out to sell (patio furniture, camping equipment, etc.) I'm sore and my body is aching. I know I shouldn't over-do it because of my health problems, but his needs to be done. Every load that goes out of here is a weight off my shoulders.

My H came by between lessons for half an hour. It was nice to see him, since he had beenout of town since Monday. I do love him, but really don't crave to spend time with him like I used to. I don't make plans or initiate getting together. In fact the two nights he has spent at the house since BD have felt uncomfortable. Don't think I will offer for him to stay the night again. I have accepted the fact that he will probably not be of much help in getting the house ready to sell.

On a brighter note, my son came by yesterday. Even tough things are still strained we did talk about our future plans. He is still wanting to move in with my mother and brother and live in the loft apartment above the garage and he wants to take the 3 male cats with him. We will see if that happens or not. Can't worry about that too much until the house is ready to go on the market.

Not much planned for the weekend. Garage sale Saturday and Sunday. Monday evening I would like to go to a new meditation group I've been following on the meet-up site. Still waiting to hear from the disability co-ordinator about getting more time off from work. Again, not worrying about it until I hear from her.

Last edited by Diana45; 07/24/15 04:11 PM.

Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
From an earlier post between Diana and V on burdens, quotes removed to make viewing easier for V!

"Burned out" to me means hat I don't want to do anything for anyone, including myself. GAL is hard when I'm feeling like that and I have to really do a lot of pep talking to myself to get myself motivated.

Let me give you an analogy if I may. Farmer Gg is busy with her crops, she buys a new thrashing machine to cut and bale the lovely hay and lay it down. At the end of the season she services the machine, replaces it's faded parts, has new tyres, oil and blades. She looks after the machine, cleans it and gets it ready for the new harvest, if she doesn't the machine breaks down, at the very time she needs it most, it fails her. Even if she presses the starter button (motivates it) it won't go. She makes a temporary fix and it works so she goes into full production again forgetting the fix is temporary. So it is with us, if we cease to service, rest, replenish eventually the temporary fix fails too, then the machine needs more than routine maintaining. (Analogy in honour of That sassy farmer Greengrass who is great at servicing things especially kick ass red heels cool !)

My burdens. There are a lot!!!

Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?

My house: It is my house, it has always been my house. Many people have come and gone and lived in my house. None ever helped pay for the house. My fault, I thought being kind and taking people in was the right thing to do, but it would have been kinder to them and me if they would have paid their way.

Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.

So, the house is being cleaned out of everyone's stuff. I'm being pretty ruthless. If it has been in my basement for years and they have not bothered to get their stuff it is going in the trash.

I am truly loving this, take care that valuables are secured, otherwise go girl.


I will get his house fixed up and ready to sell. I have some equity that will help me start a new life.

Even better, keep up the momentum. Diana I want for you that you do not restart the cycle in a new place and at a new time. I am going to ask you a tough question " do you think that by hanging on to other people's stuff and taking on their burdens that you are trying to hang on to them? Do you sense that if you don't you may loose them, their affection or love? Would you feel abandoned.?

As you declutter and clear are you sensing that you are resisting, slowing down, rationalising? I say this because recently I cleared my WH and his hoard from my home and by doing so I felt initially abandoned and then as I recognised it, worked through my fear, exhilarated. I even sped up the process because I wanted it finished, I hired a storage unit and put his stuff in it. I think this is what I recognised in your story, the burden of 'stuff' and nonsense.


My illness (Scleroderma): It is my burden. I educate myself about treatments and tests. I do have an uphill battle ahead of me with my work's disability department.

I felt I needed to research your illness, which is why it has taken me a little time to reply to you, I have a little more to ponder on. I am not one of those people who believes that our physiology completely determines our psychology but more that some illness affects our state of being, our wellness. There is much I need to think about and I will reflect further before I have 'foot in mouth syndrome'. If it's ok, then I will seek some more answers before responding.

They want me to go back to work. I know that I will never be able to do the work I did for 17 years without crippling myself.

At this point please don't prejudge that doing X will definitely cause Y. In this case 'crippling' , when your life burdens are lightened then a great deal of restrictions will be gone. In due course can we discuss if the monkey on the back also applies in your work environment?


I will fight them and already have the number of a top notch lawyer that has taken on my employer before. Btw...I built cars for a living for one of the top import car manufacturers. The days of installing tires, front windshields, dashboards are over for me.

I will in due course refer you to a TED talk, but I am not quite ready to make my case, this is because my thoughts are still a little jumbled. The young man giving the TED tallk was blinded by a firework whilst very young, his employer permitted him to employ a 'pair of eyes' paid for out of his salary. This strategy would be a 'pair of arms' for you.

It [censored], since I was only 10 years away from retiring with a full pension.

Clearly your employer wants you to stay as you are so gifted. Think of this time as a sojourn. A break for the time being, some bridges once burned can't be unturned. I sense you haven't decided on a course yet so makes sense to me your strategy here of deferral of a decision.

But if I stay for 10 more years I will be crippled or dead.

I am concerned very deeply by these thoughts, in case they are a belief. In which case whether you work or not, this may cause self sabotage. I think it's important to rethink this one, and I would dearly love you to discuss this train of thought with an IC in case you are railroading yourself into a corner you can't get out of easily. Our subconscious can bring about our deepest fears, it thinks it's providing a service to us, I would dearly love you to have life and wellness affirming beliefs. This may be connected to the clearing that is going on in your life and replacing tangible burdens and thoughts about those with hearth burdens instead, my only pause on this is that the illness seems to have triggered some physical cleanse in your environment. But I think this might be worth IC Perhaps your MC might add an extra half hour here and there as IC?. I sense it's important for you.

On a brighter note, my BFF is big time into naturopathy. She has been helping me with supplements and vitamins as well as meditation and healing touch. I have her in my corner no matter what. My mother as well is much more sympathetic and does quite a bit of research for me.

An area I think we can explore more and IRL support like this is like gold.

My animals: Tough one!!! The Guineas have been re-homed to a wonderful young lady. She takes great care of them and sends me pictures once in a while. Funny thing is that I know her grandfather and have him on FB. She and her mom added me and I can keep up with what the Guinea boys are doing through there. My H, whose Guineas they were in the first place does not even ask about them. Kinda sad! My dog, I have had her for almost 11 years, since she was 8 weeks old. I want to keep her with me, but am accepting the fact that she might be better off living at my moms instead of an apartment with me. My dogs sister lived there until Christmas when she passed away. She has spent quite a bit of time having sleep-overs at Grandmas house. My mom also thinks it would be a good idea. My oldest cat has to come with me. She is a loner and very attached to me as I am attached to her. My problem kitty belongs to my son. He brought home the cat 6 years ago, but didn't take him with him when he left the house 2 years ago. I did make my son pay for all his vet bills throughout the years. My son and I are at odds right now, because I would not let him, his GF and her son flop at my house anymore. My son couch surfs between his GF's house, his buddy's and my moms house. He will not take responsibility for his cat, but my mom has agreed to take him. She has 13 acres and he would have the life of a pampered indoor/ outdoor cat. That leaves 3 more cats. One is my momma cat that a friend of my sons left behind when he lived at my house and then moved without her. My daughter has bonded with her and she will take care of her. That leaves my two boys. I still call them kittens, even tough hey are almost 5 years old and huge. They are absolute sweethearts and both very loving and clean. I have had them since the day they were born. I don't want to part with them. I have thought about re-homing them with a healthy incentive to whomever takes them and a clause that they have to give updates and give them back to me if they can't keep them. Still not sure about what to do there.

I believe you should do what is best for the animals concerned whilst freeing yourself as much as possible.

My stuff: I couldn't care less about my furniture or belongings. I just want to take the basics. Couch, coffee table, beds, a dresser each, the TV's (2), the computers. I have my collection of lady bugs in 2 boxes already. My D and I have pared down our clothes to maybe a quarter of what we had before. We are trying to sell as much as we can (clothes and furniture) and are giving away/donating/trashing what we can't.

I am really liking this. One of the big contentions between myself and WH was the amount of 'stuff' WH had, in cupboards, on shelves, in drawers etc. including clothes. WH had 140 pairs of men's underpants, all the same type. WTF? And 230 pairs of socks. Many of them old and threadbare. As WH stuff grew so the space for me diminished and I felt diminished. The more I cleared the more WH stored. I am not short on stuff either but I don't keep broken items or have threadbare socks or worn out shoes. In fact I have a couple of funny stories about disposal of old items, and the look of surprise on the recyclers face when I unloaded. He actually asked me if I cleared houses for a living!

I am wondering if this might be a factor for your WAH, is there room for me? Again I may be projecting for him. If you like my position was more like your WAH position on stuff. Do you think you might be a hoarder, but in this case hoarding others burdens and stuff more than your own? If so is this compulsive, could it emerge again? Is there strategies and management you can do to stop it if that is the case? Another question for IC I think.


My vehicles: One car I will keep. One car goes back at the end of October to the lease company. The motorcycle I am selling in the next few weeks. As much as I would like to keep it, I need the money and I don't want to worry about moving it in the fall when I move. I can always buy another one next spring.

Stay lean and mean! It's your livihood (vehicle refurb) too, so you could get great joy in this choice next spring if you choose.

My future: I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do for the rest of my working career. I try not to dwell on it too much. I have asked the universe to guide me. I am leaning towards something to do with animals. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would open an animal sanctuary. I will do research and see what kind of courses are available in animal care.

It is going to be exciting to see this unfold. You are clearly a talented lady. I will enjoy discussing this.

My H: He is no longer my burden. He has to take care of himself.

I think so.

Ok, now this a long post. I have to wrap it up since I promised my brother I would check in on his dogs while he is at work.

I feel this illustrates my earlier point!

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/24/15 04:55 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
V,

I've been eagerly awaiting some insight from you.
There is a lot to take in.
I will get back to this later today and ponder a few things.
This afternoon my daughter and I are taking a load to the dump and cleaning out the garage.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
2 days of garage sale, more stuff out of the house. I just wish I could move faster on selling this house, but it will be ready to go when it's ready to go. Now to get back to V. This will take a bit.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Let me give you an analogy if I may. Farmer Gg is busy with her crops, she buys a new thrashing machine to cut and bale the lovely hay and lay it down. At the end of the season she services the machine, replaces it's faded parts, has new tyres, oil and blades. She looks after the machine, cleans it and gets it ready for the new harvest, if she doesn't the machine breaks down, at the very time she needs it most, it fails her. Even if she presses the starter button (motivates it) it won't go. She makes a temporary fix and it works so she goes into full production again forgetting the fix is temporary. So it is with us, if we cease to service, rest, replenish eventually the temporary fix fails too, then the machine needs more than routine maintaining. (Analogy in honour of That sassy farmer Greengrass who is great at servicing things especially kick ass red heels cool !)

I get that I have to look after myself first and foremost. I can no longer put myself last, ever again. Whatever happens with my H, I have to be happy with myself and what I'm doing in life. Might just buy a pair of kick ass red heels myself. Lol


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
I found getting rid of stuff was a very cathartic process in the days and months following my divorce being final. I moved to a smaller home, which forced me to have to purge, so to speak. But, I purged things that HE picked and for some reason chose not to take. I really slashed stuff down and it felt good every time I loaded the back of my SUV up and hauled stuff to the local thrift store. It was a really good feeling.

I agree with your above analogy that you MUST take care of you. And by all means, buy those kick ass heels!!!!!! smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
[/color][color:#6600CC]Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?

[/color][color:#000000]

Oh yes, I did need those burdens to feel loved and wanted. I lived my life thinking that my happiness hinged on what I could do and provide for others. I'm not completely over that mind set, but again feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I could probably just keep everything the way it is ( house, children, animals) minus the H, but it wouldn't make me happy. Selling this house and finding a new career are purely selfish acts for me, but that is exactly what I need to do. Everyone else will just have to learn to deal with it.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.

I gladly provided the financial means to keep this house for everyone. Yes, it would have been nice if the people that lived in this house would have picked up the slack for everything else. The maintenance, the gardening, the snow shovelling, etc. However, no one ever did. I still had to do 99% of the housework, yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. It made me feel used! Since this seems to be an ongoing trend over the last 15 years, including not just my H and children, but various other people (x-h, x-sil, x-mil, various friends of my sons that lived with us) I have had to examine my role in it. I don't know if I put out the vibe "walk all over me", but whenever I have enforced boundaries people left. I guess I have some abandonment issues about that as well.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Forgive my trial and error in quoting. IPads can be challenging at times. Lol


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374


So, the house is being cleaned out of everyone's stuff. I'm being pretty ruthless. If it has been in my basement for years and they have not bothered to get their stuff it is going in the trash.

I am truly loving this, take care that valuables are secured, otherwise go girl.


I will get his house fixed up and ready to sell. I have some equity that will help me start a new life.

[color:#6600CC]Even better, keep up the momentum. Diana I want for you that you do not restart the cycle in a new place and at a new time. I am going to ask you a tough question " do you think that by hanging on to other people's stuff and taking on their burdens that you are trying to hang on to them? Do you sense that if you don't you may loose them, their affection or love? Would you feel abandoned.?

As you declutter and clear are you sensing that you are resisting, slowing down, rationalising? I say this because recently I cleared my WH and his hoard from my home and by doing so I felt initially abandoned and then as I recognised it, worked through my fear, exhilarated. I even sped up the process because I wanted it finished, I hired a storage unit and put his stuff in it. I think this is what I recognised in your story, the burden of 'stuff' and nonsense.

V,

All the house stuff was mainly logistics. I was out of the house 50-60 hours a week working a physically demanding job. When I was younger I could go home and do more work every night and keep the house somewhat clutter free. Over the last 5-10 years my energy became less and less, coupled with my illness and chronic fatigue and probably depression I just physically couldn't clean out the basement. Whatever little time I had at home I could barely move. I have been on sick leave since March. This is the most time I have had off from work in over 20 years. I still struggle physically to do he clearing, but do manage to do something every day. Yes it is freeing seeing all the clutter go away. Fend Shui at its best. Lol
I do have to admit that I have hoarding tendencies. Come by them naturally, as my mom keeps everything. I am getting so much better letting things go. They are only things.

I will have to get back to he rest of the replies later. Need to go get some food for the animals. smile


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
My illness (Scleroderma): It is my burden. I educate myself about treatments and tests. I do have an uphill battle ahead of me with my work's disability department.

I felt I needed to research your illness, which is why it has taken me a little time to reply to you, I have a little more to ponder on. I am not one of those people who believes that our physiology completely determines our psychology but more that some illness affects our state of being, our wellness. There is much I need to think about and I will reflect further before I have 'foot in mouth syndrome'. If it's ok, then I will seek some more answers before responding.

They want me to go back to work. I know that I will never be able to do the work I did for 17 years without crippling myself.

At this point please don't prejudge that doing X will definitely cause Y. In this case 'crippling' , when your life burdens are lightened then a great deal of restrictions will be gone. In due course can we discuss if the monkey on the back also applies in your work environment?


I will fight them and already have the number of a top notch lawyer that has taken on my employer before. Btw...I built cars for a living for one of the top import car manufacturers. The days of installing tires, front windshields, dashboards are over for me.

I will in due course refer you to a TED talk, but I am not quite ready to make my case, this is because my thoughts are still a little jumbled. The young man giving the TED tallk was blinded by a firework whilst very young, his employer permitted him to employ a 'pair of eyes' paid for out of his salary. This strategy would be a 'pair of arms' for you.

It [censored], since I was only 10 years away from retiring with a full pension.

Clearly your employer wants you to stay as you are so gifted. Think of this time as a sojourn. A break for the time being, some bridges once burned can't be unturned. I sense you haven't decided on a course yet so makes sense to me your strategy here of deferral of a decision.

But if I stay for 10 more years I will be crippled or dead.

I am concerned very deeply by these thoughts, in case they are a belief. In which case whether you work or not, this may cause self sabotage. I think it's important to rethink this one, and I would dearly love you to discuss this train of thought with an IC in case you are railroading yourself into a corner you can't get out of easily. Our subconscious can bring about our deepest fears, it thinks it's providing a service to us, I would dearly love you to have life and wellness affirming beliefs. This may be connected to the clearing that is going on in your life and replacing tangible burdens and thoughts about those with hearth burdens instead, my only pause on this is that the illness seems to have triggered some physical cleanse in your environment. But I think this might be worth IC Perhaps your MC might add an extra half hour here and there as IC?. I sense it's important for you.

[color:#3366FF]V,
On to the next few paragraphs:
All of these pretty much have to do with my illness and well-being.
I can not do my job anymore. Physically it is impossible.building cars is a young man's game not a middle aged woman's. I am just a number at my company. One of 1000's. I never liked my job and it made me miserable. I was there for the money, benefits and job security. I needed that to take care of everyone else. Now that soon enough it will only be me and a few of my animals I don't need nor want to put myself through hell doing
something I hate and that physically hurts me. I really am not exaggerating hat if I stay I will be crippled or die. I have watched many of my older co-workers be targeted into quitting, getting fired or dying by management. At this point for my health and well being I have to figure out a way to extricate myself with the least amount of financial damage. Treading lightly, making sure all my medical papers are properly filled out and yes having legal backing when management tries to bully me. Being diagnosed with my illness and then having H walk out on me were proverbial 2x4 that I could not continue on the life path that I was on. Yes, more time with an IC to discuss this further would probably be a good idea.[/color]

Last edited by Diana45; 07/28/15 06:32 PM.

Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hahaha, that was an epic fail in quoting and colouring. Tried editing, but the time expired. Lesson learned. Don't submit until after you preview.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana

You should see my early attempts. Wonka gave me a quick lesson, several times in it.

There are a couple of things to know that will help:

Put the text between the two boxes

[color 0000xx] Text Text Text...[/color]

If you click on the colour you want then type the whole of the text between the boxes keep going until you have finished with the colour. The colour continues until the next box.
Anything not between the two boxes will be in black automatically.


Black texts doesn't need the two boxes. If you want color in an already typed post the before and after add the colour and delete the boxes you dont want in front and behind leaving only the two you need.

All closure boxes have a / in them which is effectively a cease command.

-------------------------
And you have 10 minutes to edit. An emergency tactic on the ipad is to put your finger in the reply box and then select copy all. You can then delete the whole post using the delete button on the bottom right after you edit and start over by using paste into a new box. I often have trouble on my ipad as Submit and Preview are close together.
---------------------
Quoting is useful too but it means deleting the text you want and there is no undo button anywhere.

If all else fails copy the post to an app on your ipad and beg Cadet to delete the messy post. Cadet will confirm my ineptitude in posting.

now where is my rubber?

damn doesn't work.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/15 09:24 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?

Oh yes, I did need those burdens to feel loved and wanted. I lived my life thinking that my happiness hinged on what I could do and provide for others. I'm not completely over that mind set, but again feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I could probably just keep everything the way it is (house, children, animals) minus the H, but it wouldn't make me happy. Selling this house and finding a new career are purely selfish acts for me, but that is exactly what I need to do. Everyone else will just have to learn to deal with it.
----------------------------

Diana I like this very much but I do not see following your own path as selfish quite the reverse. There is a difference between being self centred and selfish. I think you may be confusing the two. Looking after you (like the farm machinery) isn't selfish, its looking after what ultimately is able to be independent and strong. Your happiness is your responsibility. You are entering a phase of great personal change because you want to do so. That is excellent.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/15 09:32 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374

Here is the last part of the burden post:

My animals: Tough one!!! The Guineas have been re-homed to a wonderful young lady. She takes great care of them and sends me pictures once in a while. Funny thing is that I know her grandfather and have him on FB. She and her mom added me and I can keep up with what the Guinea boys are doing through there. My H, whose Guineas they were in the first place does not even ask about them. Kinda sad! My dog, I have had her for almost 11 years, since she was 8 weeks old. I want to keep her with me, but am accepting the fact that she might be better off living at my moms instead of an apartment with me. My dogs sister lived there until Christmas when she passed away. She has spent quite a bit of time having sleep-overs at Grandmas house. My mom also thinks it would be a good idea. My oldest cat has to come with me. She is a loner and very attached to me as I am attached to her. My problem kitty belongs to my son. He brought home the cat 6 years ago, but didn't take him with him when he left the house 2 years ago. I did make my son pay for all his vet bills throughout the years. My son and I are at odds right now, because I would not let him, his GF and her son flop at my house anymore. My son couch surfs between his GF's house, his buddy's and my moms house. He will not take responsibility for his cat, but my mom has agreed to take him. She has 13 acres and he would have the life of a pampered indoor/ outdoor cat. That leaves 3 more cats. One is my momma cat that a friend of my sons left behind when he lived at my house and then moved without her. My daughter has bonded with her and she will take care of her. That leaves my two boys. I still call them kittens, even tough hey are almost 5 years old and huge. They are absolute sweethearts and both very loving and clean. I have had them since the day they were born. I don't want to part with them. I have thought about re-homing them with a healthy incentive to whomever takes them and a clause that they have to give updates and give them back to me if they can't keep them. Still not sure about what to do there.

I believe you should do what is best for the animals concerned whilst freeing yourself as much as possible.

My stuff: I couldn't care less about my furniture or belongings. I just want to take the basics. Couch, coffee table, beds, a dresser each, the TV's (2), the computers. I have my collection of lady bugs in 2 boxes already. My D and I have pared down our clothes to maybe a quarter of what we had before. We are trying to sell as much as we can (clothes and furniture) and are giving away/donating/trashing what we can't.

I am really liking this. One of the big contentions between myself and WH was the amount of 'stuff' WH had, in cupboards, on shelves, in drawers etc. including clothes. WH had 140 pairs of men's underpants, all the same type. WTF? And 230 pairs of socks. Many of them old and threadbare. As WH stuff grew so the space for me diminished and I felt diminished. The more I cleared the more WH stored. I am not short on stuff either but I don't keep broken items or have threadbare socks or worn out shoes. In fact I have a couple of funny stories about disposal of old items, and the look of surprise on the recyclers face when I unloaded. He actually asked me if I cleared houses for a living!

I am wondering if this might be a factor for your WAH, is there room for me? Again I may be projecting for him. If you like my position was more like your WAH position on stuff. Do you think you might be a hoarder, but in this case hoarding others burdens and stuff more than your own? If so is this compulsive, could it emerge again? Is there strategies and management you can do to stop it if that is the case? Another question for IC I think.

My vehicles: One car I will keep. One car goes back at the end of October to the lease company. The motorcycle I am selling in the next few weeks. As much as I would like to keep it, I need the money and I don't want to worry about moving it in the fall when I move. I can always buy another one next spring.

Stay lean and mean! It's your livihood (vehicle refurb) too, so you could get great joy in this choice next spring if you choose.

My future: I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do for the rest of my working career. I try not to dwell on it too much. I have asked the universe to guide me. I am leaning towards something to do with animals. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would open an animal sanctuary. I will do research and see what kind of courses are available in animal care.

It is going to be exciting to see this unfold. You are clearly a talented lady. I will enjoy discussing this.

My H: He is no longer my burden. He has to take care of himself.

I think so.

Ok, now this a long post. I have to wrap it up since I promised my brother I would check in on his dogs while he is at work.

I feel this illustrates my earlier point!

[color:#CC33CC][/color]
Ok V,
Now to the last few paragraphs of your post.

My animals, I will always try to do what is best for them, no matter what. There are a few options I have and I will continue to consider all of them.

My stuff. I will take as little as possible with me. That should make things fairly easy to move around. Don't really care much about material possessions anymore. I even stopped shopping for anything but necessities. I see now clearing out so much that "things" really don't make me happy.

My vehicles: I really only need my car. The motorcycle is a want and I will cross that bridge next year.

My husband: He is moving next week. He has accepted a job offer and will be gone.
I have no intention in helping him with anything. Right now I'm a bit angry because everything is moving so fast. Working hard on letting it go. If he wants to stay in touch he will have to do that. I'm going to continue working on my house and getting a life without him. We do have one MC session scheduled tomorrow, after that I think that will stop completely.

One little side note. My brother helped me raise my children when I was a single mother working shift work. I help him when I can. My mom lives with him and usually looks after the dogs. She is overseas right now looking after my niece. When she comes back it really won't be an issue anymore. He also looks after my animals when I'm away.

So there you have it V. Really not much about my H in there. Really more about me getting my life together. I still love him, just really don't know if I ever want to live with him again. He is a downer that dragged me down with him. If and only if he grows up, becomes self sufficient and happier with himself could I ever entertain the notion of having a M with him again. As it stands right now we don't have a M. We "date" and I don't think that is enough for me.
[i][/i]


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.

I gladly provided the financial means to keep this house for everyone. Yes, it would have been nice if the people that lived in this house would have picked up the slack for everything else. The maintenance, the gardening, the snow shovelling, etc. However, no one ever did. I still had to do 99% of the housework, yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. It made me feel used! Since this seems to be an ongoing trend over the last 15 years, including not just my H and children, but various other people (x-h, x-sil, x-mil, various friends of my sons that lived with us) I have had to examine my role in it. I don't know if I put out the vibe "walk all over me", but whenever I have enforced boundaries people left. I guess I have some abandonment issues about that as well.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Often when you reinforce your boundaries people will leave. They don't like change. Keep doing it and those who are truly invested in your happiness will return to you. The desire to connect and please others is a very strong desire. You might wish to invest in Codependent No More, a very important book for understanding co dependency. I personally like Co-dependency for Dummies as it writes and outlines in the simplest way. Amazon will have reviews of both books for you.

v


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V,
On to the next few paragraphs:
All of these pretty much have to do with my illness and well-being.
I can not do my job anymore. Physically it is impossible. building cars is a young man's game not a middle aged woman's. I am just a number at my company. One of 1000's. I never liked my job and it made me miserable. I was there for the money, benefits and job security. I needed that to take care of everyone else. Now that soon enough it will only be me and a few of my animals I don't need nor want to put myself through hell doing something I hate and that physically hurts me. I really am not exaggerating hat if I stay I will be crippled or die. I have watched many of my older co-workers be targeted into quitting, getting fired or dying by management. At this point for my health and well being I have to figure out a way to extricate myself with the least amount of financial damage. Treading lightly, making sure all my medical papers are properly filled out and yes having legal backing when management tries to bully me. Being diagnosed with my illness and then having H walk out on me were proverbial 2x4 that I could not continue on the life path that I was on. Yes, more time with an IC to discuss this further would probably be a good idea.

L and IC look to me to be important. Diana if you are unhappy at work then this needs to change. I can see you are committed to making this change.


My animals, I will always try to do what is best for them, no matter what. There are a few options I have and I will continue to consider all of them.

My stuff. I will take as little as possible with me. That should make things fairly easy to move around. Don't really care much about material possessions anymore. I even stopped shopping for anything but necessities. I see now clearing out so much that "things" really don't make me happy.

That is such an important insight Diana, although I believe much of the stuff belonged to others that you were care taking for them. In a strange way you take away another's power for themselves when you carry their burdens.


My husband: He is moving next week. He has accepted a job offer and will be gone.

I have no intention in helping him with anything. Right now I'm a bit angry because everything is moving so fast. Working hard on letting it go. If he wants to stay in touch he will have to do that. I'm going to continue working on my house and getting a life without him. We do have one MC session scheduled tomorrow, after that I think that will stop completely.

I am interested in hearing how the MC session goes. I think you have much to discuss especially as you undergoing so much change.

One little side note. My brother helped me raise my children when I was a single mother working shift work. I help him when I can. My mom lives with him and usually looks after the dogs. She is overseas right now looking after my niece. When she comes back it really won't be an issue anymore. He also looks after my animals when I'm away.

Sounds like carrying others burdens is a family trait? Do you see any roots there?

So there you have it V. Really not much about my H in there. Really more about me getting my life together. I still love him, just really don't know if I ever want to live with him again. He is a downer that dragged me down with him. If and only if he grows up, becomes self sufficient and happier with himself could I ever entertain the notion of having a M with him again. As it stands right now we don't have a M. We "date" and I don't think that is enough for me.

Diana, what do you want in your life partner? Has your H always been a 'downer' and why did he decide to make these changes? Are you intending to move near to him?

Diana DB is for you and to help you with your M. You are making many life changes and Dawn has validated those changes too.

This is excellent focus considering your circumstances, and its you that I am most interested in knowing via this board


-----------------------------

Please post after tomorrows MC

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Scleroderma

I have researched this a little, as I understand it no one knows why this rheumatoid disease arises but it may have a genetic component. Is any one else in your family presently diagnosed?

Has a type diagnosis been given to you? Some types of this autoimmune disease are made very much worse by stress it seems quite significantly so. Is this you, if so losing these burdens are important for your freedom and relief and from what I have read so far in reducing the progression from the Scleroderma.

You are Diana who has a limitation not Diana who is a victim of this, I am really liking your attitude on this Diana. More power to you.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/15 10:28 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
You ok?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
I'm still around! I've been feeling quite lethargic as of late and whenever I do have some energy I work on the house. My H is gone, moved in with his mom 3 hours away from here. We actually had an MC session the day he moved. I was quite agitated and we had some not so nice words to say to each other, but still left on good terms. We both needed to hear each others realities that led to the demise of our marriage.

So here we are 3 weeks after he moved. He has been back in my town three times since to teach for a day. He stayed over night once. I was invited for dinner by his mom last Sunday and stayed overnight. We text a couple of times a day and usually talk once a day. Often I'm conflicted. I'm his wife and as of right now I'm kind of his girlfriend and that is just not good enough for me. On the other hand I really don't want to live with him right now and am not sure if I ever will again. For the most part I STFU and just live in the moment. I do what I have to do and go where I have to go. I tell him nothing about what is going on with me unless he asks and I don't initiate texts or calls. I was the initiator of most of our communication throughout our marriage. I heard often enough from him how that agitated and irritated him, so now I just don't. At first it was pretty hard, but now I really don't think about it. Sometimes I wonder if now I'm becoming the WAS.

V,
My diagnosis for Scleroderma is deep localized morphea with a large patch of skin hardening running from mid stomach to my right flank up to my ribs. I also have joint issues(hands, feet and elbows),rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, allergies, IBS, sjorgen's disease and elevated liver enzymes. Most of my "symptoms" are related to my over active/compromised immune system.
Yes stress is a huge instigator in flare ups for Scleroderma patients. I'm sure my failing marriage, crappy job and overly demanding children didn't help my situation. In a strange way I'm somewhat grateful that the stress in my life over the past few years aggravated my illness into a major flare in 2013. For years I had "issues" and whenever I asked or talked about them to my doctor or family members I was dismissed as a complainer and hypochondriac. Finally in Nov. 2013 I got a confirmed diagnosis after x-Ray, ultra-sound, MRI, CT Scan and then a biopsy. As frightened as I was at first, I finally had validation that I wasn't making any of this up. Since I have been on sick leave, started to eat healthier and taking supplements/vitamins, I feel much better. I took conventional medication (steroids/planquanil/chemo) for 7 months until my liver decided to boycott. For now the progression of my illness seems to have stopped. It is a learning curve for me as to how to feel better overall. Less stress, less clutter, less worrying are part of my health plan. 😄


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Diana

Thank you for posting on my thread, it's good to see your update.

I know things are physically rather tough for you sometimes. Diagnosis is an important step to recovery and it's important in knowing the extent of the issues.

It is likely the stress is easing off, quite a bit and this may ease the symptom, sjorgens is very difficult as a diagnosis. I have a friend who has mild version as she is very meticulous on her diet. She juices with cabbage to keep this under control as the body needs a great deal of micronutrients to combat this.

I am a type 2 diabetic and the stress of WH is sending me to type 1 which I really don't want. So of course I empathise enormously with your health concerns. It will get better as you cleanse and clear from your home. You have come a long way already in recognising the main issue and lightening your load. I shall encourage you all I can to keep going as your 180 is working for you.

I would like very much to hear that your burdens are lighter, that you are no longer carrying other people's responsibilities, your own are heavy enough for one lifetime.

If you would like to be truly inspired Dawns threads are excellent and she has cleanse and cleared, her WH like mine was a little bit of a hoarder. I know that' slightly different although her WH just left his stuff behind and moved on. I put my WH into storage!

Dawn posts on my thread so if you highlight her name next to the post you will see all posts and then you can select all topics. They are listed by date order of thread. I am sure you know this already!

Time to cleanse, clear and keep decluttering.

Every pound of clutter cleared is a pound off your load, a little less stress in your life.

So Diana, how much is left to go?

How many of the animals have you successfully rehomed!

How many and which of the burdens have you put down?

Even if I can't come to Canada to lift and carry, I am with you giving you all my strength and projecting it as much as I can.

Peace and calm
V


Last edited by Vanilla; 08/23/15 07:54 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I am putting together a post on WH, although I am sure that many of the posters here can comment better than I, since I have gone NC with my WH!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I am reflecting on healing at the moment, healing from the body back to the mind. I am starting with micronutrient swamping and as I did, I thought of you and how damaging to the physiology stress is.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Diana,

Just wanted to pop in and catch up on your sitch since you posted on my thread. I still don't really think I have any earth-shattering advice like many of the other wonderful vets around here, but what I can tell you that I have learned in all of this process (and it is a lengthy one for sure) is to take care of me and focus on me. I'm not really good at that, as most people aren't, but I'm getting better.

For me, the best part has been getting rid of memories that will continue to bring the XH to mind. For me, personally, I'm very visual, so just seeing things can bring on the tears and I just don't need that in my daily life, so I have gotten rid of many things that he picked out or things that he preferred that I didn't. Like I said, it is a process.

Good luck to you, Diana! I will check in again. Hang in there. It does get better. smile


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Feeling down today. I actually just wished that my H would just come home already and we could get back to "normal" life. But what the heck is normal life?? Him being miserable, me being miserable? I don't want that for myself or him.
I do think he has been cake eating for the past 4 months. He is absolutely not willing to make any compromises to heal our marriage. It is his way, or no way. Why in the world would I want to be with someone so selfish. Yet I still love him. I still get upset when he says he will call and then he doesn't.

I want to go dark. Not talk to him at all. He has moved away and we really have no reason to communicate at all until one of us files for divorce. I want to not care at all anymore. I have so many things on the go. Getting the house ready, finances, doctors, disability companies, kids, cats, dog. Yes V - I'm still helping my brother with his dogs. Altough, my daughter now switches off with me every other day. My H distracts me and makes me feel like crap. Even the few times he has been up here he makes me uncomfortable now. I really don't know why.

Had a read through the pursuit and distancing thread earlier. We (H and I) seem to fit the profiles to a T. I have been the pursuer and he has been the distanced. I guess I need to change those dynamics. I also need to have another good read through the detaching thread. As it stand right now, I do not contact him ever, because when I have before he would not answer or text back. He texts me and calls usually once a day. Today I really don't want to talk to him. I think if he calls I will let it go to voicemail. Maybe it's the weather that is making me feel so blah today, but nothing good will come out of talking to him today. We were supposed to celebrate our anniversary next month. The way I feel today I really don't think we have anything to celebrate. It's still a ways off, but as of right now I am not making any plans to go down there to see him.

On a bright note, the National Scleroderma conference is being held a couple of hours drive from my location. Ironically in the town my H now works. They are offering some interesting seminars about alternative treatments. Depending on the house going-ons and finances I think I would like to check it out.

I did manage to do some weeding and clearing out today and swept the drive-way(got a blister for my troubles) Took 10 bags of clothing to a youth shelter yesterday and 2 bags of linens to my friends house. Tonight I want to take down both TV's and put them in the take-with-me pile in the basement. Need a ladder to unhook one from the wall mount. Clean the TV cabinet and the dining room table and chairs. That's enough for today.

Posting here and venting is so therapeutic. I really need to do it more often. I feel better now. 😃


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Thanks V for stopping by. To tell you the truth I think my major flare up was all due to stress. The stress of a miserable marriage, the stress of finances, the stress of a crappy job, the stress of kids not wanting to grow up. My goal for my future is less stress period in all aspects of my life. Funny thing is that my animals, although at times annoying and frustrating, help me to de-stress the most. I know I still have to pare down my herd to be able to move into an apartment, but I will try to keep as many as possible. I love my fur babies and they love me!!

Dawn,

Thanks as well for stopping by on my thread. I hope that someday (soon) I will be as far along as you. Regardless if my M survives or not I need to take care of me. Selling this house, as much as it [censored], will be therpeutic. I will be able to have a fresh start somewhere else, without constant reminders of my H or of my X-common-law-H. It will be my space and my space alone. Something I have never had in my life. I think when the hard work is done and I can have a breather I will look forward to decorating and living in my own four walls.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Gosh, your first paragraph could have been written by me. I just want him to quickly come to his senses, and resume "normal". But I know that's not gonna happen, and our most recent normal obviously wasn't that great.

What makes it "piecing"? I'm new here, and still getting used to the concepts…


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi Missmeg,

Piecing is supposed to mean that you are working on reconciling.
My H has told me that he does not want to divorce me and that he wants us to get back together. We did go to Marriage counselling and individual counselling earlier this summer. He now has moved 3 hours away from me, something he planned immediately after our BD. I still hoped he would change his mind. Running away didn't help him with his problems and feelings of unhappiness. In fact I think he is now worse off than before. He lives with his mom, works part-time as a night security guard, misses work already and he has only been there for less than a month, has no car (uses his moms or rides his motorcycle) and his music school business is now almost non existent. His path, not mine. I listen, but just don't care anymore. In other word I really don't see us piecing anything right now. I live my life and do the things I have to do and he does what he thinks he has to do. I guess with the option of being together again someday.

I see from your signature that you and your H also don't have children together.
Makes things somewhat final when you have no real ties to each other.
My H never wanted any children and my kids were already adults when we met. Did you find that there were "issues" with the kids in their teens and your H. A lot of our problems stemmed from him not liking my parenting style. He wanted me to kick out the kids ASAP, something I just could not do. One is out of the house now (S24) and my daughter should be able to spread her wings to independent living shortly as well.

One day at a time! That is my mantra. Things can change so quickly, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better. Changes happen, regardless if we want them or not. I think it's horses*** when people say "This is the way I am. You can't change me! I can't change!". We all change all the time. The person I was just at he beginning of this year is not the same person I am today. Some changes are natural and some by choice.

Alright, enough about change. Time to get changed into my grubby clothes to do some work around the house. Hahahaha!

Missmeg, I wish you well today. Keep your head up high and know that there are many of us that know exactly how you are feeling.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
Thanks Diana!

True we don't have kids together, but he is vested in my kids. My daughter was starting into Kindergarden when we got together, now she's going into 7th grade. So H has been the father figure in her life basically her whole childhood. And S17 has found my H to be more of a dad than his biological father. So H is still leaving a family he was connected to. But yes, they are not his flesh and blood and that makes it easier to abandon them.

And he also scorns my parenting style. Thinks I was wrong to help S22 through college; that it was a huge financial burden (which it was) and I could have used the money to live with more affluence… I could have had a nicer car, had my hair done professionally instead of box of dye and cheap Supercuts. So our values and priorities are WAY different, as is our understanding and expectations of "family"

In many ways I can see benefits of moving on without him. But for the most part I still love and desire him, still enjoy his company, and would like to have a future with him. My empty nest would have been nice with him, because we are very comfortable with each other. Oh well.

I find Going dark to be my most difficult challenge. He initiates contact, and is so caring and open in our conversations that I don't want to avoid him. But I know I need to.

Going to take D to a movie tonight so that my phone will be off at the time he usually contacts me, and I can be out and distracted rather than mope around the house missing him.


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
Hi Missmeg,

I get about him leaving behind a family, but my kids biological father abandoned them and my H although very close with my daughter had no problems walking away from her, me and all the animals. All the things he claimed to love so much. Not sure if I can ever reconcile such callousness in a man to a desired trait for a future relationship.

I actually just thought of shutting my cell phone off so I wouldn't be tempted to answer the phone. I'm home alone, but still working around the house. I really think for my own sanity and well being I need a break from him.

Hope you enjoy the movie with your D.


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Please start a new thread. You have 102 postings/replies.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374
D
Di-mond Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 374


Di-mond in the rough
M-45 H-38
My children S-25 D-23
T 5 M 4
H left April Fools Day 2015

One day at a time!
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard