From 2006 to 2014 she has worked in very abusive environments. Toxic coworkers ruined things from '06 to '10. She found a new job in '10 but worked the most brutal hours until '14.
During that time we raised 2 kids with no help. I was extremely critical at for a year in '13 I believe. She demonized me saying that I was always abusive (now it's 3 years abusive and that we never loved eachother for our entire 10 year marriage).
She ran into the OM in Jan'14 and he preyed on her.
During her childhood her father was, according to her, physically abusive to her and her mother. Her mother would stand by and do nothing about the abuse and she hates her for it.
She has a sister and her sister reconciled with her father. My wife disowned him and I'm not sure what the OM has been pumping her mind with, but whatever it is, he got to her. He really played into her vulnerability (I'm guessing).
This is a tragic story.
Her sister told her that she burned bridges with her dad and now she burned bridges with me her H. She has always ran when things got rough. Instead of dealing with a situation, she just absorbs it until she can't handle it anymore and then it's too late. She fights and runs away.
Now I look back and I see my role. She hated her father. She ran from him through me. She hated me. So she ran to the OM.
So in 2014 she did a complete makeover. She got mentoring. She was under the fog of an affair. She tells me she was free for the first time. That freedom came at a price, neglect of children and M. She began seeing him and going to jazz clubs leaving me and the children behind. Restaurants etc. I suffered and the children didn't know why mommy would leave on Friday and they would see her until the weekend.
I've read what it entails for an MLC. It's depressing. There is no winning this unless I play the long game. I know that once she goes, she'll run and won't come back.
Your statement about "I know that once she goes she'll run and won't come back is mindreading. You don't know that. You do not have a crystal ball.
All you can do is improve yourself, be the best man and father you can be and everything else will fall into place. Isn't that the advice this whole Board gives to one another? Easy to say, hard to follow I know.
I am taking the long view approach myself. If my WW wants to work on the marriage that is up to her. If not, I am prepared to carry on and be strong for myself and my children.
Your statement about "I know that once she goes she'll run and won't come back is mindreading. You don't know that. You do not have a crystal ball.
All you can do is improve yourself, be the best man and father you can be and everything else will fall into place. Isn't that the advice this whole Board gives to one another? Easy to say, hard to follow I know.
I am taking the long view approach myself. If my WW wants to work on the marriage that is up to her. If not, I am prepared to carry on and be strong for myself and my children.
Sorry you are here .. even more so on this side of the forum and yeah .. its not easy nor is this road quick.
Read up a bit on your sitch .. not entirley but some of the back story.
Seems your W will need to deal with that abuse, thats when started this avalanche ... seen Heavy asked about death/ trigger .... I think that in your case her divorcing her parents was not the trigger ... read up on MLC and you will see they start breaking contact with anyone and everyone close ... strange thing with your W is she knows about the abuse, maybe she has become so angry about it .. has not dealt with it that it started this thing off ... at any rate its all a guess.
So some survival tips for MLC that I learned .. took longer than I had hope to learn all this .. but again .. part of MY journey:
Pressure is bad .. any kind .. pressure about OM, pressure about the D, the house ... even pressure about selecting a color for a wall ... anything will get em spinning.
Like you mentioned .. long game here .. that part suck$, not talking weeks or months, but with that ... you have control of when YOU are done here, because there is no guarantee they come out of it, its possible but holding on to that will drive you crazy.
Bottom line .. and this is where the DB is a life saver, you have to focus on you and your kids at this point. You can not fix her, this was a broken spring just waiting to break all along .. finally it was wound so tight it snapped. Alot of what she has said ... the mean stuff .. yup .. it happens .. it hurts but seems they have to channel the hurt and frustration and guess who is the lucky winner of that honor ... yup .. you.
As far as OM, let it go .. that will run its course, she will realize he is not helping ease her pain after a bit .. or dude will figure out the crazy is not worth the amount of energy required .... mine broke up with hers atleast 6 times or vice versa.
So you can expect to see her act as a Teen who has a fake ID during spring break for a bit, its par for the course .. during this time, start living your life, make the changes in yourself you want/need to make ... you will have to reinvent yourself regardless at this point right? Might as well start now.
How will this OM possible run it's course? It's been going on for almost a year now. I ask her if he loves her. She can't even say it. She just says that he definitely doesn't love her back. Talking to her just is a spin on lies and more lies.
I know that mindreading is not good. Okay. I get it.
How will this OM possible run it's course? It's been going on for almost a year now. I ask her if he loves her. She can't even say it. She just says that he definitely doesn't love her back. Talking to her just is a spin on lies and more lies.
I know that mindreading is not good. Okay. I get it.
I know what to do but I don't know what to do.
If you read a bit .. sometimes the A's last and the MLCr marries em thinking thats where happiness is hiding. My W and her A/OM lasted almost 2 years before W woke up and realized dude was a player and only in it for his own wants.
Does it matter if he loves her? Nope ... besides how would she know ... she is probably not real sure of whats in her own head let alone anyone elses.
She is lying to you .. like a teen hiding that BF who daddy will never approve of ... my W did the same.
Here is the thing, there is nothing you can do about the A, in her mind she fired you from being the H, when you fire someone and they show up to work are you going to let them in, pay them, involve them in meetings? Nope ... door is locked and you are outside and can only guess as to what is going on at this point.
What you have to do is act as if she is gone, live your life and start looking at yourself, things you could do better... do not play into her game .. and there will be games. Let her go on this journey, seems she knows OM is not right for her, mine said the same thing ... was another year before anything actually happened about it .... not saying that will happen to you .. just sharing as I have been there, not to long ago.
As for the house, if you don't want to sell, find a way to keep it if possible. Be creative in your thinking. I kept mine. Wasn't easy, but I did. I was very patient and careful how I responded until I fully committed to keeping it. Once I did, I was firm and resilient in my effort. I let her know she could leave etc, but I was keeping the house. She was welcome to help or welcome to leave. Made no difference. She was welcome to file for divorce etc, but I was keeping it.
Get the idea? It was a choice I made. Hers was whether or not she as going to fight it. I of course, knew that would interfere with her "plan" to be "happy" so I knew I had a shot at keeping the house. And I'm stubborn like that...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
