Hi Pink wow that's something I wasn't expecting !!!!!!! You do like to complicate things don't you ? As I have said , I'm here for you and as I sit here stunned I have to ask why tell him right now ?? Anyway , more important things 1500 dollars is all you need Hotel , meals and entertainment are all on me Car hire is not needed as we have a selection of vehicles for you to choose but I feel the BMW 650 gs motorbike or the merc cls would suit you the best.
I can't even concentrate on your fantasy visit with that news !!!!!!!!!
Take care Rd. ( the least complicated thing in your life !!!!!!! )
I understand your disappointment with me. I know my life is pretty crazy. I don't know exactly why I have decided this path, I feel like it did happen this way.
I have been working a lot lately and I am just leaving the office to get some lunch for the kids. But I want to write at least a resume of that part of my life.
Why now? Because I am changing, because I am learning to let go, to stop controlling other people lives. Because I think it is the right thing to do for my son and for his father, and I am the person to make it happen.
Because I want to let go on it all. I need to finish the work of raising my kids until they walk on their own. I need to let go on S21 & father and help them to have a R, I need to let go my H and let him be happy on his own life. About me, I don't really know right now. I just want some peace and quiet and I want to be free of all this life nightmares. I feel I can get that if I keep myself on my own for awhile.
Later, and yes, it has been too many mistakes, too many soul wounds, too much complication. It is time to let go on it all and stop trying.
Pink. Please don't think for one second I am disappointed in you. Firstly I would have no right to be and secondly I don't judge anyone especially friends. All I was saying was why bring more complications in to your life while your dealing with the H issue
Hello Pink - well, wow! I had always presumed all three boys were yours and H's. I agree with RD in a way - are you adding another complication to an already stressful situation. But I can also see that, like many of us, your life has been shattered - let's have a look at the wreckage and see what we can sort out here.
I think that leads us to look at things that are unresolved within ourselves and in our lives. And please don't feel in any way judged. We are so fond of you and only want the best for you. So, may I ask? Has your eldest ever met his Dad? Did his dad keep in touch over the years at all? I'd love to hear more about what happened if you want to post, but please don't feel in any way obliged.
I hope you had a nice lunch, and that your afternoon goes well lovely Pink. Take care (((((pink)))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think it is because I am giving up on the H issue. It was not easy to hear H saying that he does not see himself married to me anymore. So be it. Wants to be away from me, so be it. Wants to D, so be it. I can't force him to do anything and I won't.
I just want him to go now. Leave me alone so I can deal with my life and my future. You guys are all right, for my own sanity, I need to take him out of my head, my heart and my life.
I know it is not very easy, but I will partner with time and get the job done. He humiliated too much already.
Today, as life is very, very unpredictable, I was in my way to buy a sandwich that S15 asked me for lunch. There was a huge accident and traffic to the restaurant was blocked.
I decided to get another one. I just don't go there much on lunch time because it is always super busy. I purchased the sub and as I turn there was H. He smiled, said hi, kissed me on a cheek. He was going to start a conversation and I said I was going to wait for the sub I got for S15.
I moved away and then he came closer, started saying that he will be traveling next week and he wants me to know that in case I need something.
WHAT???? He does not help me a bit while he is here. Helllllooooo! Wake up H, you do not matter much and I do not need you. Why you saying this foolishness?
But, I said nothing. I just nod my head, looked at him and said, OK, thanks.
I did not talk, just listened. When my sub was ready, I picked it up and said Tchau, see you later and left.
And thanks RD. Thanks for not judging me. When I write how things happen, you will understand a little more that this is not a Hollywood movie, it was just a set of events.
H Pink Great job with H. You have to treat him as a friendly neighbour. Your hurting right now because of his words but they were just that words I don't believe that your H has no idea what he wants so what he says means nothing
You are getting on with life and that's great however you need to relax and take things at a slow pace. You have your whole life ahead of you You don't need to rush things
As Toots said if you wish to tell us the tale of S21 just please give us some warning if the tale includes you arriving from outer space !!!!!!!!! I cant take to many more shocks.
I will tell, and there is no outer space journey (yet), but there is a lot of ground on it. I wrote here before that I had travelled a lot.
When you say that I have passion, you did not know the extension of that. I really give myself and life to what happens to me. I like life and like feeling it 100%, it does not matter if it is pain or happiness, what it matter is that I will have time to rest when I am dead. Right now, I can live.
As always, my story is a mix of a lot of happiness and a lot of pain.
I wish I can just slow down a bit RD, but I am not in a big rush either. Maybe is because the way I manage things. I am very dramatic. My kids tease me because they say that I speak like movie lines. Like the accent and intonation on my voice make them feel I am in a movie drama or something.
You will always hear them say "Movie line!!!".
I don't know how to speak differently because I speak like that even in Portuguese and Spanish. So I feel that it is the way I am in general. Speaking, reacting, loving, and so on.
I have some savings on a Swiss bank. It's not much but it is previous to my M. And I need to work and S21 works too.
I don't think we will be too bad, but I need to step up my game. I have been approved to go full time as soon as the D is final. I also need to finish my certification in Orthotics so I can see my own patients and make more money.
If this doesn't work for any reason. Then I will look for something else. Work is not my fear at all. I like working
Sometimes it takes a storm to teach us to build a shelter.
I think we will be OK and if not, I can always go back to Brasil. That is always a secure plan B.
My story with S21's father started on 1992. I use to dance Polish Folklore (danced it for 7 1/2 years). One night, there was a dinner at the Polish Club, I went with a female friend. I knew everyone there.
Dinner was nice and there was some polish people visiting. That's when I met A.
He was nice, polite and friendly. I was fresh, spontaneous, young and free. There would be a party on Saturday night at the club and he was invited, he asked if I would be there and I said I would. He asked me if he could dance with me in front of everyone, we laughed and so everyone else, it was kind of joke.
On Saturday, we met and there was a first kiss. I felt very good. The next many days that he was in Brasil, we went to many places together, he rode on my bike and was really afraid many times.
The romance was born and then he left. He start calling me every day. We said good stuff to each other and he said he was going to Singapure and would stay there for about a year or longer. He asked me if I would go with him and I said yes.
I gave up on a good job, told my family I was living and almost killed my mom with a heart attack. But, as I said before. I always did what I want, so no one even question my decision.
A british man came to pick me up and travel with me to Colombia, and then to Panama. I was in jail for almost a whole day in Colombia, because my family name is Sicilian and there was some questioning of why I had a Brazilian passport, traveling with a british man to Panama.
A was very nervous, called the Colombia government and somehow I was free at the end of the day, went to Panama and met A. We crossed the Panama canal and travel on the Pacific Ocean to Indonesia for 42 days.
During this trip we develop a very nice R. I fished a shark (not too big), jumped on open ocean, saw crazy lights at the bottom of the ocean, played bridge many, many times, learned a lot of polish words, saw the most beautiful stars in my life during a very dark night, got two huge storms and prepared to survive without anything, just a life saver and the ocean, did some training on how to hide in case of pirates.
We stopped by Indonesia for a few days, visited some places, saw a lot of poverty and I hate the food.
Then we travel to Singapure, where we lived for 1 1/2 years. During that time I decided to stop birth control and did not get pregnant.
Then we went back to Brasil, we had a nice life there but then he decided he need to go back to Poland, to close his business, take care after his house, property, whatever.
I was not feeling too good but I tough was because he was leaving and I was kind of nervous. After he left I went to the doctor and I found out I was expecting a baby.
When I told him he was very happy and started making plans, and choosing names for boys and girls. He called me very frequently. I was not working then. Time went by, my belly start getting bigger and bigger, and he start saying things were complicated.
Inside me there was some insecurities, I knew he was in his county, he had an ex wife and two adult children.
As the time went by, I experience sadness, loneliness, fear, insecurity, anger, resentment. It was a week, then a month, then many months. Due date came and I start labor on A's Bday, 5/23. He was calling every hour.
It was 5/25 late afternoon when I delivered my boy. I was not even talking much anymore. It was an emergency CSection, my baby was suffering. At delivery, I felt a strong pain in my chest, I asked my friend to take the baby and raise him because I did not know if I was going to make.
The last thing I heard was the doctor saying: #We are loosing her" and then I died. The doctors induced coma, in order to avoid brain damage. Two days later I woke up with most of my body purple and green.
That's when I finally saw my baby. When I got him in my arms, I promise to myself that no matter what I would raise him to be a good man. It was an incredible pain, I cried a lot because his father wasn't there during this fantastic moment.
Time went by, I spent all my savings. A was not sending money because the situation in Poland was very bad and his assets were all frozen at the time.
My brother is in the airforce and asked me to go to his house for a few months so I could nurse my baby for at least 6 months. I went from south of Brasil to the very north. That place was hot like hell.
After a few weeks there I got Malaria. Since I was small, thin and just had a baby, it was easy to go from bad to worse in about two days.
When I went to the Army hospital I was closing three crosses of Malaria, what means I was dead without much chance of survival. They gave Quinine straight to the vain every 5min for 48 hours.
It was a big battle. I had 106C degrees of fever. My brain was burning along with my life. I said goodbye to my brother and my sister in law, and again I did not die. On the third day of torture, I started showing some improvement.
I was kind of sick for awhile, I lost all every weight I had, I was a horrible skeleton.
With that came a lot of thinking. A desire to live and stop crying every day. I tough that if God gave another chance that it was not to throw away for someone that was not there.
I went back to the south and got a nice job. I started working a bilingual secretary and made very good money. I bough another car and another bike. I use to put a big bag in my back, and put S21 in between my body and the bag, he always had a helmet and we would cruise all the time.
I became happier and started detaching. I did not want to answer the phone all the time, I did not write all the time, something died inside of me. Then A went to Brasil to visit us. I was not the same anymore.
One time we were talking and I asked if he had any R while he was alone in Poland, he said that he was a few times with his ex wife. I got upset and he said that I should be happy because at least this was a woman he knew and he would not go back with her.
This was it. Everything died there. Was a cold water shower. He left after two weeks. I did not call him or write anymore, and I would answer just sometimes.
Then came a working trip to Ixtapa, Mexico for a huge South America sales meeting. I went and that's when I met my H J. I felt a big attraction for him and he felt the same for me.
I went to US right after Mexico and J was not suppose to be there. We were working for the same company, just in different countries (sound familiar?). He came back earlier to US and then we started our R.
When I came back to Brasil, soon was my BDay 6/17 and A called me. After he wish me a happy BDay and say how much he loves me and misses me and wish he was there, I told him to forget me, that it would be the last time I would talk to him, and that he should pretend that I was dead along with my son.
After 20years I called him on his BDay 5/23 and said to him that it is time to meet his son. He was in shock, asked me many times why I never answered his letters, never communicated. I told him that it was complicated. Told that I got married and have two other boys, said their age and he said that he understands, that I was young and he was just giving me empty promises.
I told him that I did not want to talk about this on the phone, that I will email him my info and then he can came to US. When he came, we can sit down and talk about everything.
This is it. That was one chapter of my life. Lots of happiness and lots of pain. I feel good that I never lied to anyone, my S21 always knew the truth, my actual H knew the whole truth since the beginning, my two other sons know about it too. I did not betray anyone, did not cheat on anyone.
Now, after 20 years I feel that I have been controlling and also steeling my son's rights to know his father and his father's right to meet his son. I understand now that I have no right to control other people lives and decided to make things right.
I told him on the phone that I do not want anything from him and neither his son. And that I am not playing games to arrange some R of any kind. I think we can be friends, he is 18 years older then me and I really enjoy talking to him. But I do not love him anymore, it was done long time ago.
I don't think it is complicated. I think it will be nice and enjoyable.
S15 asked me that if S21 was his father's son for so long if now he can be a son for S21's father. I told him that it is not the case and don't be crazy about it.
I know that RD is in shock and probably sees me a little skeptical now. I did not know that life would be like this. I let life happen and maybe I made a huge mess of it. I am not very proud of such mess, but I can't feel guilty or ashamed either. It was what it was, just that.
