Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
Is your H a WAS or MLC? Mine is MLC and I'm thinking stage three, replay, with a touch of stage four and five, depression and withdrawal.

My carbon monoxide detector has gone off, in the middle of them night three times now, and a friend of mine thinks it may be the hot water tank.....I don't have time, and definitely not the money, to deal with this either.......I feel your pain. I'm exhausted

You're entitled to a furious day that's for sure!


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
I think my H is both a WAS and a MLC if that makes sense! Definitely a MLC as he's living as if he is a teenager again.
I had an interesting talk today with a support worker. She said that maybe my H felt that I was moving on and leaving him behind when I started college and that if he didn't leave me then I would eventually leave him. The fact that I'm always out of the house and busy all the time just confirms to him that this is my intentions. It leaves me food for thought.
Whilst the support worker doesn't know about 180s, she said maybe I should tweak my life a bit. She said I should invite him out on family time, which I do but so far H has refused to come with us. She said maybe it's because it's something that I want to do rather than what he wants to do. I know we used to go to this stately home a bit when they had events on, but as I don't drive then it's hard to get there. Maybe I can come up with the excuse that there's an event happening there and I'd like to go but could he drive us there. I don't think he would just take us and then drive off.
Also I thought of spending more time in the house tidying it up and cleaning it. I'm always out doing things and the house gets neglected. I should really put some time aside each week to get on with some housework. Maybe schedule it into my diary as well.
I was talking before about tweaking my 180s and maybe this idea came along at the perfect time to do just that.
What do you think?


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
I was coming up on 40 and started working out and changing my hair and my business is getting busier and H used to ask who I was changing for.....I would get angry saying it was for me. I tried explaining many women do this at milestone birthdays. Huuuuuuge jelousy issues about our tentant, lives here a few days a week for work and has a wife and two kids at home and his first wife cheated and is a big sore spot for him and would NEVER cheat and H knew all this, as well as the fact i am dead set against cheating, but just would not get over it. THEN s18 got into college, husband never finished high school and he's always been upset about it, still blames his parents, and even though he signed up to get his GED and my sister, a teacher, offered to tutor him he never opened the books once. Anyway, I think that's the day the "light went out" for him. I now realize these were all depression/MLC signs that I completely missed and, I'm positive, did things to mak it worse.

Have you read the six stages of MLC here? There are also some great links that cadet posted to my posting with some great links if you wanted to read through some of those links.

I think, don't quote me, the idea of 180 is to hear what the spouse is complaining about and 180 those areas? Is the house something that bothers him? If so that may be a good place to start. Or if its you spending a lot of time doing stuff maybe finding activities around the house more? Games, gardening, etc What about you learning to drive? That's a 180 and gives you more freedom and he'll see you as making changes. Just ideas


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
Hi Whiterose, thanks for your advice smile I will look up those threads you mentioned about MLC as I'm sure that is what my H is going through!
I'm going to work on the issues that I THINK H had a problem with - going out all the time and not doing enough around the house. I'll put aside a day that me and my son spend in the house doing housework (me obviously!) and having fun time in the afternoon smile


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 866
Hope you're having a great day too.

Good luck with the 180's!!!


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 44
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 44
My 180 is not to do everything material/financial from my WAW and allow her to sell the house and organise the breakup of the marital home and set the D in motion after 2 years because she tells me that I took control of everything.

My other 180 is to stop drinking because this is what caused the breakdown in the relationship. I am setting myself GAL goals that will remove the temptation to drinking.

My initial GALs are:

join AA
start yoga
continue with counselling (one session already)
do a charity parachute jump.


H-40 W-33
D-8
R-10
M-6
ILYBNILWY-03/14
Bomb-04/14
Realised that I am an alcoholic 24/05/14
DB123 #2456226 05/30/14 07:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 132
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 132
ALANON (Family & Friends of Alcoholics) has been a life saver for me and I know from listening to AA members that it helps. At some point see if she'll go to ALANON. Almost every S who comes to ALANON doesn't think h/s needs to be there, until h/s realizes that alcoholism is a family disease. It's a life changing experience for the entire family when the 12 step program is applied. Just like DBing, it only takes one person to make the difference.

ping1 #2549488 03/20/15 05:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 167
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 167
You can change her beliefs. She'll believe what she will. If she thinks it's about winning, than she believes it's about winning. You can't change it, and you'll drive yourself nuts trying. You can "show" her by making the changes and being consistent with those changes


"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
cw68 #2559779 04/22/15 08:16 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 38
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 38
Originally Posted By: cw68
Doing 180s that benefit you personally, not because it's something that your W wants. Did my H want me to start doing crossword puzzles? No. Did my H want me to start lifting weights? No, he just thought I should go to the gym regularly for my health. The weight lifting benefits ME. Pick up some hobbies that scream PING1!

GAL isn't about her, it's about you. As long as you keep thinking that GAL is just for your marriage, she will think it's about winning and she'll be right.


I love this advice but I am so broken I just can't seem to see the forest for the trees. What's us a 180 for me? How do I decide? How do you find YOUR 180?


Cheers,
PureHrt
18 years married, 22 years together
Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years)
1 child
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
What's one thing you can do to start taking better care of yourself PureHrt? Even something small?


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Page 8 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard