So my day yesterday got off to a rocky start but ended up beautifully. I had invited H and D12 for dinner, my way of getting us all together since H hadn't brought it up. We grilled steaks and had a very nice time together. The kids gave me a generous salon certificate, which of course H had funded. The kids wrote me individual cards and my D17 wrote that "anyone who can't see how wonderful you are is a fool." Best. Card. Ever. And in the end, as he was leaving, H and I hugged and he said Happy Mothers Day.
I still need to post some thoughts on what I want going forward. But I'm off to the gym with S19, so later this afternoon.
So.....as I was crying in the park yesterday, I just came to the realization that I really do want to be free of H. The S has damaged our R so badly that I think the only way to recover is to end it all together and hope for a fresh start someday. Up until now I've been afraid of the financial ramifications, but yesterday it seemed like something I was willing to tackle. Like when you are 9 months pregnant and you don't care how much labor hurts, you are just ready not to be pregnant anymore.
That's what I thought yesterday, I'm not going to go off and do anything crazy. I'll sit with that a while, put my paperwork together, and re-evaluate. But just wanted to get that out there, I said I'd follow up and post it, so there it is. If you'd have asked me a year ago where I'd be now, never in my wildest dreams would I have said this.
Funny how things change when you've already suffered the full loss of the D and no longer have anything to fear.
I agree you need to be free from this man. If he changes from a frog to a prince someday, has regrets, and you're still single, who knows. You're strong enough to not need to put him on your "dead to you" list. But definitely you need a partner that sees your value. It doesn't look like he does.
Everyone on these boards do. See my post on my thread yesterday, it won't be your original M, but in many, many ways it may prove to be quite a bit better. Sorry he fell short and put you through so much, but I hope you are proud when you look in the mirror.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
But definitely you need a partner that sees your value. It doesn't look like he does.
Everyone on these boards do.
Thank you Zues, your response means the world to me. I just never imagined I'd get to this point. I've known for a long time that I didn't want to be M to this version of H, but I still thought that if I held out long enough maybe it would work out. Or more likely that I would be content to keep the legal status and live separate lives. I just can't do that anymore. I cannot live my life while legally tethered to him and our joint bank accounts. And I won't date while I'm technically M. I believe that when God sends me the right guy he won't be someone else's H, and conversely, that I won't be someone else's W.
So that leaves me pursuing my goal of putting paperwork in order, something I already planned to do but it just became so clear yesterday.
In other news.... This is our first summer of child sharing. I am grateful that we are both flexible about this and even though I have minor frustrations, he's turned out to be a really good dad and all our vacations will work out for our kids best interests without either of us getting legalistic about scheduling. And I'm hopeful that we will be able to keep this up for the next 6 years of shared parenting and that we won't fall apart during legal proceedings.
Yes, I know what you mean. Last year on Mother's Day I was crying my eyes out. And I actually flung a bowl on the floor -- something I've never, ever done before. (Sadly, it bounced... So I picked it up and flung it more carefully so it would actually break... talk about anticlimactic).
With regard to the legal side of things, I think it's good for you to start taking charge of your situation. I've been worried about you for a long time and I'm glad things are coming into focus for you.
Keep things strictly between the lawyers and you'll be able to separate the personal from the financial to preserve your parenting relationship.
I think you'll be well. I'm glad your D17 was so sweet in your card. I agree with her.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I actually flung a bowl on the floor -- something I've never, ever done before. (Sadly, it bounced... So I picked it up and flung it more carefully so it would actually break... talk about anticlimactic).
Hijacking Sunny's thread to say Maybell, this is the cutest thing I've ever read. It ranks right there with me mispelling my username. You just put a big smile on MY face
And, for a secondary hijack, your talk reminds me...today I got word back from STBX's L...cliff notes, my parenting and financial proposal was scoffed at, said to be out of the question, and we are giving up on phase 1 (lawyer to lawyer resolution) and now scheduling mediation (phase 2). If this fails it's to the courts! The reason I brought this up? A month ago it rocked my boat. Today, I was like "meh". The process will play out how it plays out. My STBX's L is hired to do this and apparently believes in going for the last dime, and my STBX may have twisted things into thinking she's the victim, who knows, I'm through mind reading. All I know is I don't care. I was surprised it didn't even make my update today!
Of course, that could change, maybe later tonight I'll be throwing dishes at the floor...repeatedly
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I actually flung a bowl on the floor -- something I've never, ever done before. (Sadly, it bounced... So I picked it up and flung it more carefully so it would actually break... talk about anticlimactic).
Hijacking Sunny's thread to say Maybell, this is the cutest thing I've ever read.
Agree, MB you really made me smile with this one. I had one dish-smashing incident, but I did it with a hammer over a trash can. Very effective and tidy. It was an item I had given H and he left when he moved out. Later, he came looking for it and I declared I had no idea what happened to it and had a new one made for him.
With regard to the legal side of things, I think it's good for you to start taking charge of your situation. I've been worried about you for a long time and I'm glad things are coming into focus for you.
Wait...I was so caught up in MB flinging dishes I forgot this part. I know you have often urged me towards action, MB, but I just wasn't ready. Part of it was my health issues had my world narrowed a bit, most of it was just that it was working for me. I had everything I needed, everything I always had, except a man in my bed. (Not underestimating the power of that, mind you). There was really no reason to move forward. And none of that has changed, except a little switch in my brain is longing for independence. I honestly have my doubts if filing/forcing a D is right for my kids, from a financial standpoint. If I don't rock the boat, things won't change. So I do question why I would do this, but I'm going to inch that way anyway. Slowly, so I can back off before the tipping point if necessary.
Sunny - One little comment here and its only because I see a few similarities here. It's always sounded to me like you trust your H to do the right thing financially. I generally trusted STBX too (probably about 95% of the time) and nothing has really happened to change that.
But - it was sure hammered into my head by every lawyer I spoke with and every person IRL that I consulted who has experience in these matters, that when there is an OW in the mix, that trustworthiness can erode rapidly. I do feel a lot more secure in the knowledge that there is a legal settlement in place.
Your situation is your own- and you're a smart lady - so I'm sure you will make all the right decisions to protect yourself.
Hi Sunny. You sound vey sure of your road and far be it for me to suggest anything else. Can I ask if you could leave your decision stand for a month or so before you do anything. You have always supported me and I'm so grateful , I would like to offer some small support back. In your posts you praise H for the good ex he will be and you posted how Mother's Day ended up well Making these decisions is hard and fraught with problems. You only agreed recently to extend your seperation and now you have decided to move on.
Sunny. This situation is so difficult and I urge you to stand back from your choice , not change it , but stand back and let it sink in.
Like so many others here it's hard to read your posts sometimes because you obviously still love this man and have tried to DB and work through it. As a pal I'd just like you to be 200 % sure
I hope you don't mind but I care what happens to you and life choices such as these have ramifications for the rest of your life and so many others
