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#2565817 05/08/15 06:46 PM
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So I made 100 posts. I don't know how to link my original post.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556088#Post2556088

My dilemma today is H has been nice for almost 2 weeks but this week is distant and informed me of he is going to bike night. It bothered me I will admit it. I did not say anything as I know this is what maybe he is looking for a negative reaction from me.

How should I handle this? Should I ignore it? Tell him to have fun? He has never gone to one of these goofy things before. I feel like he is trying to act like a single man or maybe to see what is out there.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/08/15 07:19 PM. Reason: Link

Skhdivers
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Don't say anything at all. If you feel you need to, then be positive.

When I divorced my first husband the first thing he went out and bought was a motorcycle. Then he started to go out to bike night and bars. Yes, it bothered me but I never let it show.


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Let me know what you guys think when doing a 180 so in the past few months when he comes to house to pick up my S I am there and I talk with him etc I am thinking now maybe I shouldn't be there all the time to prevent easy access?


Skhdivers
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Thanks for the advice and think you are right. It is a no win situation either way.

Hopeful, we aren't divorced just separated and supposedly working on getting our marriage back but I have seen little effort from him.


Skhdivers
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I have been separated from my second husband now for almost 3 1/2 months and I have not seen any change what so ever. But I am still hoping that he wakes up before I decide to move forward with the divorce. Leaving in limbo is not healthy for me or us.


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3.5 months is such a short amount of time.

I would give it longer like a year.

Do you think you can do that?


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A year? No, I can't do that and I won't. That is not fair to me or my daughter.


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A year? No, I can't do that and I won't. That is not fair to me or my daughter.


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Hi Hopeful, I think the most important thing is to feel happy and at peace with the decision you do make. I've been here 10 months now, and I agree that being in limbo WRT my M isn't ideal. But the way I look at that is I'm moving forward in most areas of me life. I'm also trying to save my M if that's possible. It may not be.

But, if or when I do throw in the towel, I want to feel I gave this all I possibly could, and then I think I can move on happily myself. We are all different and it's such a personal thing, but that's how I feel.

Can I ask why you feel giving things a year would be unfair to you both?


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Originally Posted By: Hopeful321
A year? No, I can't do that and I won't. That is not fair to me or my daughter.


I'll admit, when I first read this I thought to myself "neither is D". But then I reread your recap below. This hasn't been 3.5 months. This has been a long term issue.

Are you two in the same house right now?


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Wow I am also having some issues on this. We started are problems 10-14. H moved out 1-28-15. We have made no progress. Sometimes he is nice and we do things together, other times he is very indifferent and I hear nothing from him.

Its very confusing and I am on a rollercoaster of is he coming home or never coming home. I think about it constantly. It is very hard to wait and see because you don't know what is going to happen. Maybe that is where the importance of GAL comes in and you the detaching. It is just very hard to do.


Skhdivers
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Also I blew it this weekend on Mother's Day as he came over and we all went to zoo (my S10) and he was very distant and I felt very bad and I asked how he thought we were doing since he had been so nice that last two weeks. H said he didn't want to talk about it and nothing had really changed and I shouldn't just spring this stuff on him. He needs time to think about it. Which I was angry because geez he has been moved out for 3 months how do you not know.

I text him later and told him that he needs to do what he needs to do or think about and I wouldn't bother him again about it. No reply back.

DId I blow it? I wish I would have just let it go but I didn't and now I think its too late. I haven't heard a word from him. How do I turn this around??


Skhdivers
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Toots,

I know it sounds like I am giving up on my marriage, but in my signature line, I have been trying to work on my marriage since 2010 and I am physically and emotionally drained.

Zues126, yes this has been a long issue for me. No, we are not living in the same house. He moved out 1-31-15 for third time, by my request this time only.

And once I make my decision, I will have peace.


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skhdive,

If your H has depression -- it's not going to just "clear up" overnight. And sometimes you can't just spring things on people. What I've found that helped my H when he was in the middle of a depression would be to say, "I would like an opportunity to discuss something related to a, b, c and d. When would be a good time for us to meet and talk? That way he didn't feel bombarded, and he chose the time when he felt most receptive. Perhaps you could try something similar -- but I would advise you, being fresh into this -- to back off a bit and let him discuss things or if you must, bring them up at a time, either in therapy or when he's receptive to it.

I can understand the frustration about not having answers. I had the same thing. I still have it to some extent. Like, hi.....you've been on your own for 8 months and things have gotten worse for you, not better -- can you see that this is not entirely "us" persay? But I keep my mouth shut and keep going.

I read a great article in which an author was going through a separation with her husband. He may have been having a MLC, I don't remember. And friends were asking her how long was she going to wait, how long was she going to allow this to drag out. And her response? She said what was a bad year, being separated for a year if it meant that she would have her marriage for the next 25+ years. She ended up being separated for three years before they reconciled.

Things take time. Take a deep breath. Let it play out.


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Wow that is long time. It seems like I am having a problem detaching. I think I am trying to control or reassure myself that he is still around. I find myself trying to figure out what he means and what he is doing.

I read detachment rules. It is hard for me. Every day I have to start over with it but today is the day no going back.


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skh

I think you would really benefit from sticking to one thread ... its hard enough to follow people and almost impossible with you cranking up several threads for us to put together timelines and see how your story is unfolding ... just food for thought.


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Originally Posted By: Calibri


I read a great article in which an author was going through a separation with her husband. He may have been having a MLC, I don't remember. And friends were asking her how long was she going to wait, how long was she going to allow this to drag out. And her response? She said what was a bad year, being separated for a year if it meant that she would have her marriage for the next 25+ years. She ended up being separated for three years before they reconciled.


IF ... and thats a big IF ... my W and I R and figure this thing out .. our separation will be closer to 2 years ... its been 18 months at present.

And yeah, looking big picture because I did have to ask myself that question, we have been together 24 years ... lets say there is a 2 year 'break' (loose term as I still remained married here) maybe we go another 24 years before I meet my maker ... thats 50 years total .. whats 2 of that? 4% ... drop in the bucket really, and I am willing to risk that in order for that last 24 years to be the happy/rewarding/ healthy M that I think it could be, now if I am not convinced after all this that we can get there, then I will let it go, take it for what it was, and move on.


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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
skh

I think you would really benefit from sticking to one thread ... its hard enough to follow people and almost impossible with you cranking up several threads for us to put together timelines and see how your story is unfolding ... just food for thought.


AMEN...can we please stay HERE and make this skydive's thread (it is yours, right?) and Not keep jumping around.

No offense but I find myself annoyed that it takes a lot of effort to try and help you.

There are tons of folks here who are Not difficult to follow so that's why I bother saying this.

Stay here and we can try to follow you and give you advice.

Also you MUST read the books that form the basis of this site.

If you are reading Div Busting (or Div Remedy, which is sort of just the 2nd edition of the first book but to me, more helpful)

then let us know.

Otherwise most of what you read here will be useless.

As it is, you seem to gloss over most suggestions and repeat yourself a lot in that nearly all or 90% of your posts are about what your h

is doing OR what he MIGHT be feeling/thinking/planning.

I need to hear about what YOU are doing to show him that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

You said in one of your posts something to the effect of how HE "SHOULD be the one to change or make the effort b/c he's the one with the issues" which is false. there are several reasons that's not correct but for now, I doubt you can really take that all in.

However, He's not here trying to save the marriage; you are.

So You have the "issues" and I can't help but believe that most men don't just leave their happy families or marriage with a son, for "no reason".

No walk away spouse returns to a marriage they left

unless they believe

the marriage can be better/different than before.


It's the LBS's job to demonstrate that it can be better/different.

Yes, YOU must change. (And join the club! WE ALL had to adapt to a new life b/c our old marriages passed away. For me that wasn't all bad).

The good news is that since you are all you control, you can make this happen.

That's actually wonderful news. You are NOT powerless in this situation.


Can you tell us ANY of the past complaints he's had about the relationship?

Even if you don't believe they are valid (but it's better if you think some are)

tell us what HE WOULD SAY if He were here complaining about you...


and we can go from there.


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*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
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SKH,

You have 25 on here giving advice. Answer her questions and start working on you.

:-)


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Wow that is long time. It seems like I am having a problem detaching. I think I am trying to control or reassure myself that he is still around. I find myself trying to figure out what he means and what he is doing.

Look at my signature and understand a more realistic timeline. My h dropped a bomb FIRST in 12/04 and we sep for the most part late in '05 and more officially in '06...truly began piecing and restoring the marriage a few YEARS later...but now it's over 30 years of marriage and I'm glad I stuck it out (But no I don't "always" feel that way, just mostly and I accept that is as good as it gets for most of us. I'm content with that).

Your timeline is both unrealistic and harmful to your cause. It does reek of impatience and you will need to look hard and dig deep to see if that is a character trait in you that has hurt your m.

The real journey in life is an inward one. We all had to dig deep if we were to overcome this ordeal.


I read detachment rules. It is hard for me. Every day I have to start over with it but today is the day no going back.


Please know that it was hard for ALL of us.

Many here have several children and or are financially dependent on our WAS and thus detachment is even harder. And terrifying at almost a biological level.

None of this is easy for anyone. Yet we do it, or we lose our marriages for good.

And even if we do GAL & detach, we still might not get our spouses back.

All we know for sure is that if we do the real work we need to do,

we will invariably become better, more loving people.


For me, that^^ was enough - but I ended up with a lot more.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
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DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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25yearsmic: I will keep posting here. Thank you. for advice.

I have read DB and have been referring back because you are right I am focused on H all the time about what he is doing, thinking and meaning behind what he is saying.

He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped. He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend. He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

I do ask about the R I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do but for some reason I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.

I am trying to work on myself. I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy. I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling. Like I said above the one thing I need work on is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.

I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.

I don't feel I have ever controlled him this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc... we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone and wanted to go again I would ask that he spend time with us.


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Originally Posted By: skhdive


He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped. He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend. He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

So by constantly asking him about the R .. how does that go against coming off as controlling? See where he might have a point here?

I do ask about the R I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do but for some reason I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.

I had the same problem .. you can not fix it. Accept that and start following the DB principles and you will be better off for it.


I am trying to work on myself. I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy. I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling. Like I said above the one thing I need work on is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.

I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.

I know it seems the opposite .. but the more of ^^^^ that ... the more you are pushing him away ... you can not control if he files or not, no more than you can control what underwear he decides (if any) to go with on a Wednesday.

Somehow you really need to move all the energy you spend on your H, towards yourself and detach .. like 25 said .. its very hard but you can not start to do the work till you move out of your H's head and back into your own.


I don't feel I have ever controlled him this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc... we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone and wanted to go again I would ask that he spend time with us.


You may not feel you have, but your H has stated this ... its how HE feels and he has openly shared that ... so for him its a trigger .. one you have to start respecting or you will send him running faster and further.

Your M is broken, H fired you from being his wife ... you are still there out in the rain waiting for him to return but he is not going to even look your way when its the same ol same ol .. there was a reason why he left .. is it solely the control thing ... I doubt it but right now thats the only clue you seem to have, time to detach, GAL, 180 and listen to what he says ... not mind read .. actually wait and listen.


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Go back and re-read what the posters have posted to you, especially what CaliGuy and 25 Years have posted. Read the DB and DR books and if you haven't done the reading homework that Cadet provided to you, then do it. It's imperative that you understand that the more you do a temperature check on the relationship w/him, the more he's going to run the other way. Detaching is difficult, but it can be done because we all have had to learn to do it. Sure, we make mistakes, but we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue moving forward.

The amount of energy that you use to try to get him back could be spent on YOU. You are giving him far too much head space that he's not renting. This is YOUR time to work on YOU. You are the only one that can control your destiny and trust me, he will notice changes that you make...but as I have stated to others, those changes will have to become part of your day-to-day life and not just to trick him into returning.

Okay, time to crack open the books and start reading.

BTW, I'm very happy that others have chimed in and got as confused as I was getting about the number of threads you had going. Stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies and then start a new one. If you have a new idea or something springs into your mind, change your thread subject line within the current thread you are posting to. There is no need to start a new thread because of it.

The road you are traveling is a bumpy one, but I can promise you...if you listen to the posters, your journey will be a bit better than fighting against the advice that is being given. I know, we all think we can fix the spouses, but we can't. They have to fix themselves.

Start writing a new chapter in your life's book today. It's a blank page and we want to learn about YOU.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Dear Skh

there's no way that this won't hurt as it has,for awhile. But it does pass.


Originally Posted By: skhdive
25yearsmic: I will keep posting here. Thank you. for advice.

I have read DB and have been referring back because you are right I am focused on H all the time about what he is doing, thinking and meaning behind what he is saying.


Then STOP it and if that means visualizing a stop sign every time a thought about your h comes into your head, then do it.

Your son needs you and You need you to stop handing your mental energy over to a man who isn't there now.

A few weeks of that imaging in my head really helped and then GAL did a lot for me too.
But I wasted a YEAR OF MY Life asking questions like you are asking that there are NO "good" answers to.

All you can do is work on you.



He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped.

Okay these ^^ are things to work on for sure. They are all about your controlling nature with him if you look at it.

Snooping is about control and so is the whole permission thing, and the questions of him, etc.

LET GO of the illusion that you ever had control over him...it's really quite freeing.

Don't rob him of the chance to learn from experience, b/c we all need it and it's often the only way we can learn something.


I had to release my h to his "task" of going off to Alaska to find whatever it was that he was seeking. Only by going and discovering that life there in all its glory, wasn't so great when his family was elsewhere.

I could not "teach" him that.


He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend.

This^^ is mostly about him again, not you.

Is the part about you showing interest/jealousy of OW true? Would you have reacted if he'd been that interested or texting a guy about a motorcycle?

How do You personally like to resolve conflict? How does he? How do you two together resolve conflict, or does it fester or go unresolved?

What would HE say about conflict resolution if he were here?


He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he

all about him again...keep the focus on you


doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

I think nothing wrecks a relationship faster than constantly taking its' temperature.

Leave it alone. FOLLOW the applicable parts of the 37 rules as best you can.l

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

What changes do you think HE could see in you? By "changes" in you, I mean behavioral changes that have existed for more than a few weeks, like for 90 days or more?

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

If something happens before then - that's great.

But you need to back off big time and for much longer than you have so far.



I do ask about the R


Stop asking. This isn't easy but its also not complicated.

Stop asking him about the marriage. OR the future. This is a HUGE part of the "37 rules" and it's one you continue to break.

I'd think you'd stop sticking your hand in the fire, b/c it gets burned every time you do.



I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do


You "waited two weeks" (I'm shaking my head at your time line)

and then you say you "know this is the wrong thing to do..."

and I know the next word is a "but"

and what that means is "But I don't care enough that it's wrong..."

And that is a problem you have to work on in you. Start caring more about his messages to you. He told you many times in effect, to back off and give him some space and that you are too controlling.

The more you flout the rules here and do the opposite of what he's asking the more you prove him right.

To him, that probably means that marriage to you would be exactly as it was before

He has told you in effect that he thinks his feelings are ignored. So, what are you proving - every time you go back and snoop or ask him about the relationship?




but for some reason
I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.


Oh but he has talked about it. The behaviors he has mentioned he does not want, continue. (The "snooping" and the constantly asking him about his feelings and the relationship)

So it probably does Not appear to him that talking about it helps at all.

To me,

when you say "Talking about it helps" (I'm thinking he'd say "no it has not helped and it is part of the problem")

and when you say you could "fix it' what I hear you saying is that you want to control it, again.

So you are shooting yourself in the foot by repeating behaviors that don't get you anywhere.

What do YOU think?


I am trying to work on myself.

Tell us about this^^. What traits are you specifically working on? How about which behaviors of yours that you wish to work on?

HOW are you working on them? The more specific you are, the more likely you are to achieve them.

For instance I might say I "want to get in shape" but then I say "BY walking/running 2 miles a day 3-4 times a week".

So HOW are you working on yourself?


I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy.

Just so you know, these ^^ are just basics and They are things "not" to do.

What changes are you making within, that you want to bring to your next r, (hopefully with your h)?

What traits are you cultivating more of? Improvements within, etc.??



I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling.

Just mirror his behavior so that if he is NOT in a talkative mood, you don't drag words out of him. Back off.

If he's warm and engaging, you can mirror back.

But still be the one to stop the conversation first NOT to punish but b/c your happy life is so busy,

and be upbeat and happy about your GAL even if you are faking it for now.


Like I said above the one thing I need work on

dig deeper


is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.


Start with this^ for sure. It'll save your sanity if nothing else.


I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.





It does NOT help you to keep picking at this. If anything, the constant asking will push into the lawyer's office.

Your inability to contain yourself when you've gotten such consistent signals from him on this issue is startling.

At some level you either want him to divorce you, or you have a serious problem controlling your own behavior, which, paradoxically might be why you spend so much energy trying to control his.

Any truth ^^ there?


I don't feel I have ever controlled him
this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc...

we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone

and wanted to go again --- I would ask that he spend time with us.


I think these sentences conflict. Do you see how?



Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/15 03:53 PM.

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S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
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GROUND HOG DAY
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25yearsmlc

Those are some tough points that you made to me and has given me a lot of food for thought.

You nailed his feelings in the part where you talk about "but". Its not that I don't care, its because I care so much that I ask. I have read what you said how this can be turned around for him. So this will be an area that I really need to concentrate on.

Is the part about you showing interest/jealousy of OW true? Would you have reacted if he'd been that interested or texting a guy about a motorcycle?
Yes it was true because I feel that texting OW was wrong he was doing it on the sly, hiding his phone and he confessed to texting and calling her 4-5 x a day for 6 months before I saw the "Goodnight Babe" text on his phone. If it were a guy about a motor cycle I would not have cared.

He does not like to resolve conflict at all. I like to talk it through. He lets it fester or keeps it inside and therefore some of the issues that came out had been festering since marriage. He said he always thought even before we were married (married 20 years) he would wonder what will she think if I do this, will she get mad? That I feel has nothing to do with me. These are his own issues that he had in his head.

He would say there is no need for conflict resolution, he doesn't want to fight. He would say he will deal with it on his own.

I am trying to work on the trust issues/control issues. I think I asked where he was, why he was late or why he wanted to go out with guy friends was because I was jealous or didn't trust him. I am working on the fact that anyone should be able to go where they want and I shouldn't feel he is going to cheat on me when he is out. This is very hard for me it happened to my mom and I think I have carried it over into my M. I think this is a way I have felt I could control that this didn't happen to me by keeping track of him.

He has always asked to do or buy things, this is not something that I made him do and he is still doing it. Like he asked if it was ok for him to buy a mattress two weeks ago and if he should buy a motorcycle. I said buy whatever you need. How should I handle these questions?

I think I am having a hard time controlling my behavior in this aspect. I have been blown away by this. He was the center of my life and it seems to consume me right now and I know this. I am not normally this way with anything. One thing I have noticed is "he was the center of my life" I needed to do some things on my own and I didn't because I wanted to always do things with him and my son and maybe that is why whenever he went off and did things I would be home jealous or wondering what he was doing and why he couldn't just do things with me and S.

I am working on getting out and doing things on my own and realizing that he could stay with S but in the past it seems like he went and I stayed so he could go. I think I need to be a bit more selfish and take time to do the things that I want to do also without feeling guilty for leaving them.

So to sum it up I will be concentrating on myself and not what he is doing or thinking by using the STOP method that you told me about, trying to GAL with my S because I have him all the time, and working on trust/controlling. This will be hard because he has broken a lot of the trust by telling lies, hiding money, secret accounts, before leaving. How do you get past this?


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BTW I appreciate everything everyone has told me and is telling me. It is clearly good advice and I am trying to take it all in and apply it. I know it is what I need to do I am must be a slow learner. I am going to get it though. I am going to reread these posts until it is hammered into my head.

Every time I have a week moment or question about what I should be doing 25yearsmlc and everyone else posts to me is what I will read before I react.


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I hope I haven't screwed things up so much that it is too late. I guess better late then never to start though!


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25 gave you alot to chew on ... sometimes posts like that you have to read... take a walk and think about it .. then read it all again.


Your post ... that sounds better. And trust me, we all come in here desperate and wanting to do anything to fix it ... here is the thing. The M and the issues ... not all your fault, not all your H .. you both played a role, however now .. at this point .. you are in the same spot many of us are in. You are wanting the M and your WAS is not working on it with you ... that is the frustrating part, which is why you have to start using the principles from the book, really start putting them into play ... 90 days from now you will look back and these posts will seems so normal and you will be wondering why it took so much effort to put them into your everyday life.

So .... What GAL's are you wanting to start doing, get off your tush and go do something, something you can sink your teeth into ... I know 25 has a master list of some amazing things she did, its inspiring. Me, I joined a softball team once a week, Football once a week, Spent the past 10 months attending a church class and became Catholic (Something I did for me honestly .. not W) I bought a Harley and enjoy riding eraly in the mornings, Coach my S's baseball team, started cooking again. I am here to tell you without staying crazy busy ... no way would I have grown, no way would I have been able to get out of bed and actually liked the person I see looking back. I am at peace ... my M is still up in the air .. but I am at peace.

Lets start there .. call it homework .. list some things you have wanted to do, wanted to try ... now is the time to start living.


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Thank you Caliguy.

I actually printed off the posts from you and 25 so I can reread every day for right now. Some of it made me feel really bad. Its something I think I needed to hear however.

I am really going to try focusing on myself and see I need to work on my own life. I like to run and I workout daily. I have not done much weightlifting as I have been getting to workout late so no time. The reason for that is because
I have been usually hanging around the house in the morning for H to come pickup S so I can see and talk with H. Would a good 180 be for me not to be there and get out of house before H gets there and go to gym and then I would have more time to incorporate my weightlifting? We had an arrangement that H would get there at 7:30 and I would be gone right before that but I have been staying and waiting for him.

I like to garden so I am going to spend more time this summer doing that.

Cooking is a good idea and I am not good at that and I think I might enjoy grilling.

My S and I are going on vacation by ourselves at the end of May to our cabin. This has always been a family thing and this year I am going to load us up and drive myself. I did ask H if he wanted to come and he said No. I did have good enough sense to leave it at that.


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I feel very lucky today that everyone has given me such good advice that I will put to good use. I think I already feel a little stronger from reading the posts everyone has put here.

I am going to mow my yard today, take 25years advice and take a walk with my S and have a glass of wine.

I do have to say that the days where H is working and I don't see him are easier for me then the days H comes to my house and I have to see him. That is when I start obsessing so I need to figure out how to handle that. Any suggestions?

Last edited by skhdive; 05/12/15 05:31 PM.

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Originally Posted By: skhdive

I do have to say that the days where H is working and I don't see him are easier for me then the days H comes to my house and I have to see him. That is when I start obsessing so I need to figure out how to handle that. Any suggestions?


I know full detachment for me was really hard due to seeing W often. In DB I think there was a little blip about when you do have contact, make certain you end the conversation first .. do this consistently. I was short here and there ... dropped S off, gave him a warm kiss/hug smiled ... PMA always high (or atleast tried) then would look at her "Have a nice day" and i turned around and left ... every now and then she would try to stop me, I would either make sure I was out, or turn answer the question (Usually a weak one) ... again say have a great day and almost skip to my car like I was the happiest dude ever.

Atfirst ... ^^^^^ tough, fake it till ya make it ... but it does help one begin to rebuild ... lets face it .. the BD, nothing stings more ... well .. maybe one other thing .. but BD is tough and it strips us of everything we thought we were and what we thought we wanted.

So ... yeah .. hit up those GAL's ... fake the PMA ... end the convo first thats how you start to detach.


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Oh .... one more thing.

Make sure your H never finds out about this place, books, cliff notes .. things you may have printed ... it will only come across as a devious plan to trick him back, ad will blow things up ... .this place and these changes are for you ... YOU only

Last edited by CaliGuy; 05/12/15 06:09 PM.

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Gotch ya. Since he doesn't live with me it is a easier to keep it from him.

I will try the short answer thing and I thought if I am not there in the morning that will be my 180 as I have always been there in the past to say "Hi".


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Gotch ya. Since he doesn't live with me it is a easier to keep it from him.

I will try the short answer thing and I thought if I am not there in the morning that will be my 180 as I have always been there in the past to say "Hi".


Not a bad thing either


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skhdive

It's such an understatement to say "this is so hard" but we have all been there and done that.

No one arrives here feeling really great about themselves or their lives. GAL is mandatory for Detachment and helps to stop obsessing far more than anything else I can think of.

While going to the cabin with your son IS a smart thing to do, would it kill you to have him bring a friend OR for you to do the same?

Just an idea. Our first Xmas separated, h came over for 2 days and then left. I took the 3 kids on a ski trip and it was GREAT. Just a short trip but we needed to remember that we could have fun with or without h.

The next summer was our 25th wedding anniversary and I was NOT going to be home alone again...so I took the kids to Italy. OMG best money I ever borrowed...


and h noticed b/c he could not reach any of us for 2+ weeks...but we saw things that did NOT remind me of h and that were stimulating and fun and it was such a rewarding thing to do. The problem with going to the cabin with your son is that it MIGHT accent the gap in company b/c your h usually goes and there are only 3 of you in all. (In other words I think having 3 kids made it a little easier to just have h missing, whereas if there were only 1 kid, a missing parent is more noticeable.)


Also for your GAL please please involve OTHER PEOPLE b/c doing too much alone stuff, the solo activities tends to keep us isolated.

And as much as "meeting new people" feels super awkward, it always pays off and if you retreat into solo activities more (as many of us are tempted to do when we feel hurt)

you could easily just feed the depression that will set in, and the feelings of alienation. Then you will obsess MORE, not less. And so, I strongly urge newcomers to GAL with PEOPLE....

Make sense?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.

And I had 3 kids, including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia & "discomfort" are the greatest enemies to GAL. Overcome them, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life, regardless of what your spouse chooses.

IMO, the more you overcome these obstacles, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h.

Okay so...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. (Then was on the Bd of Directors, which actually was a great networking channel for me later).

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast often, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the "Improv" in Hollywood. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, and got better at downhill skiing.

I Learned to hunt big game, & became an excellent shot.

I learned to fly fish & to deep sea fish too.

I learned to use a snowmobile (i.e. a "snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it!

I finally learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. (Long time dream of mine).

I went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!

I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. OMG Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.

Right or wrong, Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child, and yes I needed to lose the baby weight. It was NOT easy to do, especially in the dark, deathly cold of the LONG Alaskan winters).


I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I actually liked it a lot).
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of being active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! There, I met two women who are life long friends to this day.)
Joined a writer's group and met intelligent creative people.

Took a class in Conversational French, & I took a class in Italian cooking - still benefits us!

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I'm sure you have your own set of dreams and goals OR that you can come up with some.

IT's the hardest I've ever worked to just feel normal or ok. But it worked even better.

THAT is why we hammer GAL so much here; it truly helps.

Oh and btw, it also makes us a lot more attractive to the world, which sometimes includes our WAS's.

I became happier and more loving. The forgiveness lessons I got were invaluable.

Seriously, I was pretty content. And I was much less terrified of being "alone" - in part b/c I knew I would not be alone if I didn't want to be. But I knew that financially I'd be fine (which I only knew b/c I saw a lawyer and got information. Knowledge is power and the more I knew I'd be fine without h, the better my GAL was the more content

and LESS OBSESSIVE I became b/c the fears were decreased..so yes, you must see a Lawyer asap)

I believe that when we are truly, inwardly content with ourselves and have done the work we needed to do, that inner peace somehow radiates from within. And it is attractive.

A LOT of men came hit on me in those years, and I felt attracted to some of them, which was refreshing and empowering too. I have to think some of it was that they wanted to be near someone who was happy with herself. And yes, that did eventually include h.

Frankly, I had to be convinced to try again at the marriage when h showed interest (and he didn't just give "signs". HE SAID things I needed to hear and he was clear about it. You won't have to "guess" when your h is really ready to work on things b/c if he's emotionally there, he'll tell you. )


Good luck and keep on posting. IF you work this program it does get better.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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You are amazing. If I can accomplish 1/3 of what you do I will be satisfied. My sister and her 3 sons and one gf are going up too so we should have a lot of fun. I am close to my sister.

I have isolated myself since we got married and didn't even realize it until H left. I have some work to do to build up my self confidence and get myself out into the world. I signed up today for yoga in the park never would have done that before and quite honestly I am nervous to go on my own.

I also joined a book club a month ago and do enjoy that.

I hear what you are saying and believe you are correct now the hard part for me is putting myself out there after 20 years of marriage.

I also re read your earlier post and you asked how I was changing myself so M can be better so that would be to be more confident in myself encourage H to do his thing without trepidation stop asking so many questions about what he is doing and think more about what I am doing. I used to be more silent because that is who I am but for some reason along the way I became this talkative person I think because I felt like if I didn't ask him questions he would think I didn't care.

Traits I am working on will be not to over analyze or think about h or what he says lots of work here needed). Not feeling that I HAVE to talk and realizing that all of this is not all my fault because that is how I have felt. Accepting that h may or may not come back and that is his decision and that once I detach I will be ok and finally I don't need to control only myself which I have been way out of control and didn't realize until I reread 25years posts to me. Thank you


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It all is a process and takes time, but you already sound a bit more grounded .... good job signing up for yoga


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Thanks it is going to be a road though. I am going to have to use these postings as a crutch until I get myself squared away.

Good advice about staying busy and socializing. I think I have driven even my sister crazy with my obsessive talk about h and that's bad.


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Alright today I got myself up did some push ups took 25 years advice and while I ran I did my thinking of H etc to hopefully get it out of my system for the day.

I did hear from H sent me pictures of tattoos now that he wants. I did text back and said they all look very interesting. He called a couple of times but for once I didn't pick up as I was at the gym doing my running and I have decided that the time there is me time and I do not need to think about anything else.


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[quote=skhdive]You are amazing. If I can accomplish 1/3 of what you do I will be satisfied. My sister and her 3 sons and one gf are going up too so we should have a lot of fun. I am close to my sister.

That's^^ huge! Thank God your sister is there and has sons too. Blessings!


I have isolated myself since we got married and didn't even realize it until H left. I have some work to do to build up my self confidence and get myself out into the world.

All I can tell you is that it's worth it.

And make no mistake, others are just as self conscious as you are. You may see someone fun there with friends and you'll have to remind yourself "she's there with friends so it's pretty brave of ME to come to this alone" and know that a lot of us out there will realize that too)


I signed up today for yoga in the park never would have done that before and quite honestly I am nervous to go on my own.

Have a sense of humor about the yoga b/c when I went, the moves were SO out of my league I had to laugh at myself for trying. But the more I laughed, the more fun I had. No one judged me.


I also joined a book club a month ago and do enjoy that.

I hear what you are saying and believe you are correct now the hard part for me is putting myself out there after 20 years of marriage.

Been there, done that. Overcoming our initial resistance is usually the hardest part.

IF you end up going into the dating world, you'll feel "weird" at first. But 1) you might still reconcile and 2) it gets better anyhow.

MY older sister was abandoned by her h after 22 years, 3 kids and her working the whole time putting him thru law school and then partnership track, etc.

When she began dating the man she ended up marrying, I asked her how it all was at first. She said "really weird, not all bad, but definitely surreal." And they kept dating and when her ex h woke up and wanted back into their marriage, it was finally just too late.

SHE had awakened to the reality that not every man is constantly irritable, moody, whiny and negatively programmed.

I asked her about taking him back and she said "I'll always feel bad abut the divorce for the kids. But now that I know what it's like to be the priority to a man, I can't see going back to what ex h and I had."

She is happier now than she ever could have been, with her ex. And only by his breaking her heart, could she discover that.


I also re read your earlier post and you asked how I was changing myself so M can be better so that would be to be more confident in myself encourage H to do his thing without trepidation

Bear all this^^ in mind for your future relationships regardless of who they are with b/c

if you feel secure in who you are, then only an idiot would cheat on or abandon you
and since you don't want to be married to an idiot, you are better off without them.

Yeah, I know that is nice to read but hard to FEEL and believe but in time, if the changes you make are real, it'll happen.


stop asking so many questions about what he is doing and think more about what I am doing.

YES! And besides, you have NO control over what he is doing. Do you want to spend your precious time on earth on things over which you have no control?

Tomorrow is promised to no one. Life is so very short.



I used to be more silent because that is who I am but for some reason along the way I became this talkative person I think because I felt like if I didn't ask him questions he would think I didn't care.

Maybe...maybe you asked questions b/c you felt fearful he was pulling away. ??


Traits I am working on will be not to over analyze or think about h or what he says lots of work here needed). Not feeling that I HAVE to talk

Let others fill the silence OR learn to embrace it. Silence used to mean "everyone feels awkward" to me, but then I realized that I come from a family of extroverts.

Sometimes just being with or near someone is sharing the time with them.
But normal people are okay with silence and I have come to savor it when it comes.


and realizing that all of this is not all my fault because that is how I have felt.

THis^^ might be true but it's not a "trait" to work on. You may not have flaws you want to improve upon but most of us do. I can be dismissive, I can overly generalize and rush to a quick "verdict" on topics, and those are just off the top of my head. I'm a work in progress and I'm at peace with that.

Dig deeper and see if there might be other things you want to work on. Also, just curious, how are you about the finances if your h leaves? Have you spoken to a L? IF not, why not?


Accepting that h may or may not come back and that is his decision and that once I detach I will be ok

Oh I can actually guarantee one thing here. If you detach AND GAL, you will be more than okay. You will do more than "survive"; you will thrive.

And paradoxically, (b/c the goal of GAL is not really to "get them back" but to be fine on our own)

if you really detach and GAL, you may find your h much more interested in reconciling. Go figure.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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25years

My one problem I am having is when H comes to house in morning to pick up S or when I get home at night sometimes he is still there and he talks etc and then I let this give me hope that maybe he is coming around and I feel like it is causing me a problem with detaching. How can I handle this? Do I just listen and talk until he is ready to leave? This is confusing for me.

H was there last night and he blew leaves off patio and text me later and told me that my gutters were full and he would clean them tomorrow. Is this stuff that I let happen? I want to be self sufficient.


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
25years

My one problem I am having is when H comes to house in morning to pick up S or when I get home at night sometimes he is still there and he talks etc and then I let this give me hope that maybe he is coming around and I feel like it is causing me a problem with detaching. How can I handle this? Do I just listen and talk until he is ready to leave? This is confusing for me.

H was there last night and he blew leaves off patio and text me later and told me that my gutters were full and he would clean them tomorrow. Is this stuff that I let happen? I want to be self sufficient.


skh ... its tough. You have to be in the mindset of "No Expectations" ... you can be kind, nice and neighborly, usually it helps to cut the conversation off on your terms, you end it, say goodbye, like you have somewhere to be even if you don't ... as if you have a life and you are moving forward with it.

This becomes much easier when you actually are GALing and have things going on in your life. I know for me ... I had plans with my S on M,T and Sun ... Wed I was in a church class, Thursday Softball, Fri night I worked a DJ gig, Saturday mornign rides on the Harley, Saturday night mass, Sunday morning Football .... what free time I had was cooking and cleaning, doing chores .... I was so busy I really had no time for the long chit chats .. I was moving on.


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Yeah I need to get there. I am working on it but it is hard when he comes over and is actually speaking to me and telling me things that he is doing. I feel I still will ask questions like what are you going to do tonight, or what are you having for dinner? I think because I ask my friends that too. Should I not ask him that stuff? probably not since I feel like that isn't really detaching myself.

I get sucked into the conversation and then find myself trying to make more. Something to work on regarding my goal of not feeling like I have to talk.


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H was at house when I got home. He wasn't very talkative but was watching a movie all of a sudden he got up and left and said bye I just said bye and let him go.

This is progress for me because in past I would ask what are you doing tonight. So I just focused on what I needed to do tonight and it helped


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Skhdivers,

It's hard to think that we will ever get to the point of being more detached, but with time, patience, a lot of backsliding, listening and reading the posts of some wise people here and you find yourself doing it.

Iy's hard at first, it feels like you are pushing them away from you, but you start seeing that they become curious and they try to find every single excuse to approach you and find out what you are up to.

It took me a lot of mistakes and pain to figure that GAL and detachment is the only way to make things easier for you and in a way for the R.

I couldn't understand at first and was trying to hold on to the little hope that things between H and I would be resolved in a few weeks, months.

After awhile and a lot of tears, I decide to face that my M as it was has ended. the way I see now is that H is a candidate with advantages. But if we ever get back together, it will be because we will fall in love all over again.

Is it possible? No one knows. But I am doing the things I can do for myself now and it's finally feeling a little better.

I read a lot of 25 posts and posts to others and have been learning with every word she wrote to other people I. This board.

Believe and start training yourself. You will be a better person for yourself, your children and your next R, with your H or someone else.

You are learning and growing, just like I am doing too, and many others here. It's hard at first, but it gets better.

Keep the hard work and believe in yourself. Another lesson I learned was to set my boundaries with my H. It took me a long, long time because I loved that he was still close to me, but that was just postponing the inevitable and creating more pain. I learned after getting my heart broken over and over, then after thinking of my priorities, I decided to take control over my life.

My days are easier now and I am starting feeling proud of myself for my accomplishments. You can do it too girl. Like the wise say here: it is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hugs,
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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I take a step every day toward's GAL and working on me. Today my S is going with his grandma so I am going to hit the gym this evening.

It is hard with H around now and then but I think 25 years and you and Caliguy are right about just doing my thing and having no expectations of them.


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Go and have fun at the gym, it helps release some chemicals in your brain that will help you to be happier, lighter, in a good mood I would say. Besides, you can meet other people there.

Think it is hard, but it is for you and you deserve it.

XOXO
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I saw my therapist today and told her the things I thought were holding me back or I needed to work toward which are stop dwelling on what h is doing saying etc and for the future I would like to hav an r with h or someone else where I feel comfortable with who I am and whatever they are doing will be fine and I won't worry about what they are doing. Those are things I need to figure out while gal


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Skhdive,

Time, patience, backsliding, moving forward, crying, screaming at your pillow, smiling, praying, exercising, reading good stuff, reading self improvement stuff, listening to others and filtering what is good just for you, respecting yourself and make yourself a priority.

That's is the way you will probably learn along the way while dealing with this S. It's very hard to believe now that we can get better, we can detach day after day, we become stronger, confident, happier and prettier too. Guess what? It happen, if you follow the books and the amazing folks that post on our threads, you slowly but surely start getting there.

Just have faith, believe that this system really works to make you a better person. It teaches you how to pursue your own happiness and the person you want to be.

You are a strong person, we can feel your strength between the lines you write, you can do it and I believe in you.

Don't worry if you make some mistakes as you are learning and your emotions are all over the place because the situation we have now. Be gentle with yourself, pick yourself up and start again.

Be brave and be beautiful.

Love,
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H text and wanted to know if s and I wanted lunch. I said sure but now I am thinking maybe I should just send my S and I shouldn't go because this won't help me detach. Need advice or rules on what to do when this happens. Anyone? 25 years?


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Link to similiar situation

Check out this thread.

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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I take a step every day toward's GAL and working on me. Today my S is going with his grandma so I am going to hit the gym this evening.

It is hard with H around now and then but I think 25 years and you and Caliguy are right about just doing my thing and having no expectations of them.


Here's the thing that gets wacky. So much of this is a matter of perspective.

SOME folks hate that they have NC with their WASs b/c then, how can they show the changes they are making??

Others say "hard to GAL or detach b/c WAS is interrupting me or lives here, visits, etc. Too much tension."

Bottom line, make the best of whatever situation exists. If they are GONE, you have a lot of space from them, and can make the most of the work you want to do.

The changes you make will be more noticeable to them if the contacts are limited, b/c it can be harder to notice changes in someone who is with you every day.

If you are in a situation that has some contact with the WAS (e.g. b/c you have kids together or own something together) then

make the most of those limited interactions. See them as OPPORTUNITIES for you to demonstrate genuine change within.

If I were you and knew I was going to see my h in the evening, I'd have plans to go out and I would get the heck out of the home. When he gets there,
spend maybe ONE minute being pleasantly upbeat to him, but on your way out.

You are busy meeting new FUN people, going to interesting new places and doing fascinating things! Conversation with your h might look like this:

"Hi h, so the stuff you wanted is in that room, etc. Sorry I'm on my way out,
Take care, bye."

IF your h asks you anything about where you are going or with whom, you are pleasantly vague about who, but upbeat... a tad rushed.

Whatever the GAL is, such as dance lessons, bowling, etc, you say that.

"Oh, I'm going to Dance class. It's really fun. Okay see you later." And be off.

If he presses you or says something inappropriate or judgmental, look surprised. (who is HE to tell you not to go out??)

Tell him "Wow, I think we have to table that for now, b/c I'm on my way out."

Which you can say anytime you are not ready to discuss a topic.

Make sense? If this ^^^^ is not applicable, that's cool. Just some suggestions.

Your goal is that over TIME, those brief but pleasant exchanges will demonstrate to your h that you two can have conversations without conflict. You must show him that he can relax around you. Then let it build. Perhaps a short term goal could be to have a 5 min conversation with h without ANY negative commentary or conflict discussed.

As my DB coach said, "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does", (which is NOT easy but it crucial).

She also once said "Listen like a Lover", which sounded crazy at first but then I realized I could listen to him a lot better.

So you listen with full eye contact with him and recap what he told you to demonstrate that you heard him. NO sarcasm, no judgment and just

build on that^^. Short term goals, then longer term that build on the short term ones.

Make sense?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
H text and wanted to know if s and I wanted lunch. I said sure but now I am thinking maybe I should just send my S and I shouldn't go because this won't help me detach. Need advice or rules on what to do when this happens. Anyone? 25 years?


Go. Put the "Positive Helmet" on so that nothing your h says or does can bother you b/c it is only one evening. There is no cause for you to object or criticize a thing. If he says or does something, look at it in the most favorable light possible for this one evening.

It's an opportunity to demonstrate change in you. Any 180s come to mind?

After this, you can accept maybe half the invites but don't reject the first one or two.

Okay?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25 years Thanks for the advice!

He ended up bringing lunch over to the house and we had a good time. He took me for a motorcycle ride and then did some work on our bbq grill.

My car's brakes are acting up and of course I leave this Friday with S for the cabin so I mentioned it to him and he said he would fix. What are the rules on this? Is it ok to ask him to help me fix things or should I handle this on my own. some things I do on my own but we are low on cash so can't really afford to have a car shop fix? Thoughts? He said no problem but I really don't like asking right now to help fix because it makes me feel needy.


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Also I want to say to 25Years your advice has really helped me see that the past I have been focused on what H is thinking and doing and now when I do that I do imagine the big STOP sign and it does help and it makes me feel not so desperate or anxious maybe it brings a calm back over me knowing that I do not need to worry about what H is doing or not doing etc because it is not for me to control.

I think I have done much better with H because of this and I am able to focus on my things and not H and I am becoming a little more happier.


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Wow Skhdive, it's really uplifting to read your last posts. You are doing such great work. Keep the good stuff happening. He will notice.

I also would like to thank you and 25Years, your exchange in questions and advices have been helping me to get this whole detaching straight in my sitch and I did a huge progress this last weekend.

I like the fact that you have been thinking before acting, it gives you time to choose the right direction. You are a very smart person and will learn a lot along the way in this new journey in your life.

Wish you the best.
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You're very welcome. Without this board and my DB coach (a Godsend if ever there was one) were the biggest factors in my staying married.

As to what to accept from your h and what not to...brakes on a car when you're low on cash seems like a no brainer to me...("YES THANKS!")

and remember to see some of these as opportunities to applaud loudly for the 1% of positives that he does.

I'm guessing now, but is one of your h's love languages "Words of affirmation"? Most men like to feel admired. Sometimes they confuse it with love, but that can work for us as their spouses.

I highly recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman, and I say that for all couples, b/c even though it's not revolutionary, it really really does help to remind us that -

NOT all of the ways we show or give love, are received as such by our spouses.

And the reverse is true as well. I've seen many people here complain about the way their gifts or acts of service or "favors" and compliments were "NOT appreciated" much...but the thing is, many times the spouse does Not hear the love language
we are speaking to them...and it's not b/c they are ungrateful, it's b/c we are not speaking their love language.

At a personal growth workshop I attended long ago,

I saw a professional man stand up & tearfully say:

"so my wife said she'd take the day off to drive the 3 hours to pick me up. Then I changed my mind & she said 'ok'. Then I changed my mind again, and said I DO want her to come get me after all, & she agreed...

and I just realized I've been shutting out the love she has been sending me all these years, b/c it wasn't 'wrapped' the way I wanted it wrapped. It wasn't sent in the 'lanes' I allowed and I've ignored all the ways she HAS loved me... I've been a fool."

That just really hit me.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I think you are right about the words of affirmation. I have read that book. My therapist recommended it. I could never decide if he was that or actions. I am leaning toward words of affirmation because today he text me about the weather and being cold to ride his motorcycle nad I said jokingly that he would have to borrow my brother-inlaws's leather jacket and he said "fat man in a little coat" which he is not fat in fact he is very muscular and he does this a lot saying these things about himself and I use to say no you aren't you are so muscular and I think I stopped that because I just began to ignore it because I didn't think he really thought that about himself but now I am thinking he wanted me to say he wasn't so today I said not fat just muscular.

something to pay attention to for the future.

25years you have helped me so much I can't believe it. Everything you have said is pretty much dead on. I have taken your advice and am really working on myself and thoughts and seeing things that I didn't catch before like above.

Keep posting to me with your thoughts and ideas!


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Spoke to soon no word yet from H since yesterday morning when H randomly text me which is fine except he said he would fix my brakes before my trip on Friday with my S.

Not sure I should have done this but I sent him a text this morning just seeing how his day was and then eased into now what was wrong with my car? H said rotors need replaced. H didn't not say that he would fix this time and so I didn't mention it. Not sure what to do now. Should I ask him if he will be able to fix today as tomorrow he is working a 24 hour shift or should I just try and find a car place to do it on short notice?

I hate asking H for anything.


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I am doing very good about concentrating on myself and not wondering about what H means, says etc. Every time I start to wonder or question something he says or does I STOP thanks to advice from 25years! It has done wonders. I still have a ways to go but I am getting much better and I feel better.

I trust that what he is doing is what he needs to do for himself and I do try hard not to judge sometimes I feel the less I know the better actually.


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Hi Skhdiver,

Yes, you are doing a great job and I think that the more you do it the better you get at it.

Thanks for stopping by at my thread and give me the 2x4 over my head. Some days I get overwhelmed with all the stuff and then I get very frustrated with H because he decide to delay everything about the D.

It's also the last week of my high school kids, so lots of projects, concert, French movie, Spanish movie, parties, finals, football camp and on and on. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.

Related to the car, I am like you, I do not like asking anything for my H. But, in your case he goes to your house and does things around to help you (my H doesn't). If it is a deal of money, then if you ask him one more time, may not hurt anything and you both can save money this way.

Besides, you said that he already got a little frustrated once when you asked for someone else's help and not for him.

But, I am not very old here, so maybe some vet will give you better advice. Just my 2c.

By the way, I like reading your posts and it has been helping me to keep some focus on what direction I must go and why.

Hugs to you, hang in there.
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Thanks Pink you might be right about the asking for help one more time. I will wait until later today and ask just to make sure he doesn't offer on his own. Thanks for the advice.

Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in what H is doing etc and trying to second guess them that we can't see the forest before the trees etc..

It is hard but just keeping saying what he does doesn't affect you eventually you will believe it.


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The Weird part is how H can be communicative one minute and then the next day hardly anything.

So H text me yesterday so today I thought I would text him. He was not very communicative, he did answer a couple of times and then after my last text which I said it was a cold rainy day to be siding (which is what he was doing today as a side job) I heard nothing so I let it go. What do you guys advise should I have not text him at all? I am thinking I shouldn't have text him. I did because he was the first to text me yesterday so I was trying to reciprocate to show that he wasn't the only one having to text first.

Advice? 25years let me have it?


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
I think you are right about the words of affirmation. I have read that book. My therapist recommended it. I could never decide if he was that or actions. I am leaning toward words of affirmation because

almost everyone has more than one love language...just fyi. You don't have to choose just one. Use them all and see what happens. But know when HE is sending you love in HIS language.


today he text me about the weather and being cold to ride his motorcycle and I said jokingly that he would have to borrow my brother-inlaws's leather jacket and he said "fat man in a little coat" which he is not fat in fact he is very muscular and he does this a lot saying these things about himself and I use to say no you aren't you are so muscular and I think I stopped that because I just began to ignore it because I didn't think he really thought that about himself but now I am thinking he wanted me to say he wasn't so today I said not fat just muscular.

What man doesn't want to hear that his wife sees him as muscular?

And try to catch yourself withholding love or affirmation to punish OR b/c you think you are risking something. Dig deep then...


something to pay attention to for the future.

Yes...start today.

It's NOT pursuit if you do this authentically AND without any expectations of him.
Just expressing affirming sincere compliments is an act of kindness. Doing it to be kind and NOT as a tactic, isn't wrong or weak.

In the face of cruelty (not in your situation but IF someone else reads this, I want to insert a caveat) Then No, it might come off as supplication or weakness or pursuit.

I'm referring to everyday interactions. You want him to feel relaxed and Not judged when he's around you. Safe...comfortable, etc


25years you have helped me so much I can't believe it. Everything you have said is pretty much dead on. I have taken your advice and am really working on myself and thoughts and seeing things that I didn't catch before like above.

Keep posting to me with your thoughts and ideas!


You're very welcome. As I said, this board and my DB coach were Godsends for me.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Thanks Pink you might be right about the asking for help one more time. I will wait until later today and ask just to make sure he doesn't offer on his own. Thanks for the advice.

Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in what H is doing etc and trying to second guess them that we can't see the forest before the trees etc..

It is hard but just keeping saying what he does doesn't affect you eventually you will believe it
.


Make it so.

Meaning, do not let his actions or words affect you. Is it easy? No. But is it complicated?

No. It's hard but it is simple. Luckily there are tools to use to help you achieve this "he doesn't bother me" autonomy.

GAL is one of them. So, back to YOU and what YOU are doing...How's the GAL plan?

Anything you can study, explore, visit, sign up for, JOIN, audition for, attend, coach or volunteer for this week/month?

Let's hear about those...

Have you seen a L? I ask so that you can address some of the fears you have about being left behind. Knowledge is power and you need "DO" nothing with the information, except gather it. For me, it was very reassuring (& calming!)

to know that my fears of being "on the streets" were totally unfounded.


And now, back to your GAL


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks as always for the post and help.

H was over at house and did fix brakes and I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with us which he did and took 25years advice and remained neutral and interested in what he was saying. At times conversation verged on R but I quickly steered away and kept my mouth shut.

Yep leaving tomorrow for vacation. Really excited to go. So this is a big GAL for me because I have never vacationed without H in 23 years. Start Yoga when I get back.

Neighbor guy said he would mow my yard while we were gone and H offered to come over and mow so I told him neighbor guy was going to mow and H said yeah he sure has been helpful lately and that is suspect. I thought to myself well you left but I didn't saying anything I just said he was trying to be helpful. And thanked H for offer though.

No R talk and no mention of moving back home any time soon and again I know that I shouldn't expect that either sometimes it is just hard and I wonder geez how can you not want to but again not my problem and on to me and my life.


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25years, yes I have seen an L and I will struggle somewhat but I will be able to maintain my home I am now which is something to be really thankful for. I need a new car but that may have to wait and that will make money tight but I should be able to manage.


Skhdivers
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Wow Skhdive,

I am really inspired by your actions, you are a really good learner. I have been in this board since 10/14 and sometimes I think I have a really thick head since I keep going back to my mistakes.

You have been such inspiration for me, lately I have your words and 25 advices in my mind and it has giving me some hope that I will be OK.

I know this is a process and it takes time and patience, but I get really down on myself since I need to deal with the D issues right now.

Keep the good work, you are very strong and seems you are handling things the way they should be handled.

Have a nice vacation with your S, enjoy it.

XOXO
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Thanks Pink.

Don't think it is easy for me some times I really want to say what are you thinking, are you ever coming home, but I shut the trap because I know his answer right now will be I Don't know. 25years said never talk about the R let them raise the topic and then only talk about it if you want to. I can see and hear that he isn't ready to talk about R and from what I understand it will be very clear when they are. 25years also said not to assess anything for 60 - 90 days to see if there is a change which I took to mean no R talk.

So when R talk wants to poke its ugly head up I picture the STOP sign. LOL.


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25years:

You said:

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

Did you mean not to check on R with H and/or his behavior toward me and the M? Or did you mean take everything that happens for the next 90 days with H with me following your advice. Thanks.


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I have some mixed feelings about this weekend I am excited and also sad because H won't be going. Trying to think of all the positives and also how last year we didn't have much fun because H was so angry all the time and not really there anyway. My S and i are up for fun trip going to have snacks in car and lots of music


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Hi Skhdive,

Don't be down on yourself for having these feelings. It is normal to miss him and think about him while doing something that you would usually do with him around. It's is just part of the process.

Hope you and your son are having fun, besides all the pain.

XOXO
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Wow I am also having some issues on this. We started are problems 10-14. H moved out 1-28-15. We have made no progress. Sometimes he is nice and we do things together, other times he is very indifferent and I hear nothing from him.

Its very confusing and I am on a roller coaster of is he coming home or never coming home.


Please get off the roller coaster. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you to "wait" for your h. When you GAL for real, you will no longer be on his roller coaster.



I think about it constantly.


No offense, but ^^ this shows.

As I've said before, GAL FOR REAL and you will not be constantly thinking about him.

Do you think that obsessing about him and your situation has helped you at all? I don't. I think it's holding you back big time.

Plus, NO WAS returns to a marriage they left,

unless

they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.

How is your behavior showing your h any real change?

When you obsess and fume, you are letting Fear control you and when you operate in fear

you are not operating in faith. And it hurts your cause.


It is very hard to wait and see


THIS^^^ IS the flaw in your approach my friend. It's a common mistake.

No one here is telling you to "wait and see".

If you have read the DB books or gotten much out of this board, it must be that you are NOT to "wait & see".

You have to take charge of your life and your happiness


(and model that for your son) asap. Moving forward is NOT = to giving up.

But as of now, I fear you are still confusing "standing still" ("wait & see")

with standing for your m.

Standing for your marriage is NOT standing still and waiting...



because you don't know what is going to happen.


2 things.

Yes Limbo is HARD. I get that and if you check MY time line (see signature below)
you'll see that I was in limbo for a year before I moved forward.

And yes, it's a paradox that once I moved forward, operating under the belief that my h was likely over BUT that I'd be happy regardless,

it was then that I truly GAL and really did Detach....and it was around then that my h began his awakening.

I cannot prove those^^ facts are connected, but it seemed that way to me. And in the end, does it matter?

B/c my realization was that regardless of what my h chose, I'd be happy & live a fulfilling contented life, anyway. So frankly, it didn't matter a whole lot what he did.

Secondly, no one knows what tomorrow will bring, including those of us who are happily married. We have to learn to live in faith and not fear.

As Gilda Radner said when she faced the uncertainty of her illness (would she get better and become a mother, or die??), "we have to learn to embrace the ambiguity" b/c tomorrow is promised to no one.

Everyone is facing an inherent ambiguity in life. We could get hit by a bus or have cancer or our spouses could...we all learn to live with it and we do that, partly, by letting go of the illusion we have that we can control others...or life.


Maybe that is where the importance of GAL comes in and you the detaching. It is just very hard to do.



DING DING!! laugh

That absolutely IS where the importance of GAL and Detaching come into play.

You can't really DB if you are not GAL and working on Detachment.

Maybe you could go to Al-Anon. NOT b/c your h is an alcoholic,

but b/c it'd help YOU to let go of that which you cannot control
and live your life without worrying about HIM and without giving him the power you are giving him. That is a choice you are making; no one is forcing you to do that.

With your "wait & see" approach, you are handing him power over your life.

And that's a mistake. Take charge of your own happiness and your life and show your son that it's within HIS control to make his life a good one.

he's watching you far more than you realize.

Make sense?

Do you get this?


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
I have some mixed feelings about this weekend

make the positives the feelings YOU FOCUS On..for you AND for your son.



I am excited and also sad because H won't be going.

You are showing yourself AND your h (& your son) that you do not "need" him for you to have fun. This is important. You need to manage one weekend without your (negative anyhow) h.


Trying to think of all the positives and also how last year we didn't have much fun because H was so angry all the time and not really there anyway.

Lately your h isn't exactly a barrel of laughs anyhow...so what's to miss? Be honest


My S and i are up for fun trip going to have snacks in car and lots of music



GOOD


M: 57 H: 60
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GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
25years:

You said:

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

Did you mean not to check on R with H and/or his behavior toward me and the M?

Skhdive,

I mean 2 things, one is about what to do if/when your h mistreats you AND the second is your over all approach.

1) if your h is rude to you, you can address the rude behavior when it happens. Don't accept it. Leave the room or hang up the phone or whatever, WHEN it happens.

Give him a warning "h, don't talk to me like that. I Deserve better" and then make your point, OR if he interrupts you, say "please don't interrupt me. As I was saying..." and then finish your point.

Do NOT wait for an apology.


But IF he repeats the behavior, e.g. he berates you or spews or interrupts you again,

YOU LEAVE THE ROOM (or hang up the phone) with a BRIEF remark like "I'll talk to you when you are calmer" or "when you can be civil".

Again, do not wait for a reaction on HIS end. YOU Control the interaction and that means you control your behavior.

Make sense?

2) Secondly, STOP asking him about the marriage or the future. It's right in the "rules" that Sandi has printed and I've printed and that you say you have read.

It is one of about 3 KEY concepts you must adopt. I don't think you really believe me. B/C you continue to ask your h for reassurance (no matter what you think you are doing, that's a huge part of it and it's NOT something your h can do for you).

Meaning, he will NOT suddenly slap his forehead and say

"Oh, wow, I just realized I've been a fool. I'm coming home now to recommit to our marriage. Thanks for reminding me with another temperature check."


Okay?

Or did you mean take everything that happens for the next 90 days with H with me following your advice. Thanks.


^^The latter. That does Not mean that on day 91 you ask him what he's thinking/feeling or about to do.

It means you assess how YOU feel about how things are going and whether YOU can keep it up for, say, another 90 days. And you take it in those time chunks.

If you are GAL FOR REAL, his choice will not matter as much.


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Thanks for the information.

I had a great weekend and hardly even thought about H. Headed back to town and got text from H saying he was going to stop by around 6 after we got back. He did and we played the game Life with my S. I notice he wasn't wearing his wedding ring and I said nothing again it just doesn't matter. I went out to garage came back and he had it on. So is he just wearing it around me? Oh wait this is something I shouldn't be thinking about it is his own weird thing to figure out.

We had a great weekend. When we got home my S told H all about it and S was so excited. H said he didn't like the cabin anymore because all he did was work on it. Whatever not our problem my S said its dad's loss.

I found that we were fine with getting everything opened up. My sister and her boys and boyfriend were there and they took my S under their wing and took him fishing etc and he had so much fun. I actually found that things went smoother, no inner family fights because H always thought he had to do all the work and others were "lazy" which is not true, much more calm time and I could do things at my leisure and no one yelled at my S.

Detaching is hard and I am working at it every day 25years. I am GAL, not quite there yet but after this weekend I am doing better. When my H comes around I have to apply the STOP method still but I have not asked about R for the last 2 1/2 weeks which is a record for me and I plan to keep on not asking!!!


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25years: I am trying to figure out some good 180's to do and I am not having much luck other than I have not asked about R in 3 weeks. Wahoo record for me. Any advice on 180's. The way I read it it means doing the exact opposite or something that H wouldn't expect. Is not wearing my wedding ring a 180? I have made a big deal about him not wearing his in the past so I feel like that would not be right for me not to.

H came over today and I went about my business, chatted with him a little and cheerfully left the house.

I put up our swimming pool by myself, he had said he would do it when he came over but I went ahead and did it myself. Took forever but I got it done. Today he saw it was up and he said "I told you to let me do it" I said, "you know I get an idea in my head and I think I can do something so I do it.

I appreciate in other ideas or if I am not doing this right. Thanks.


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Skhdive,

I am so proud of all you doing. You are really working hard on yourself and learning a lot. 25years write in some simple way that is so easy to learn and understand. Somehow it is like have some power of comfort and teaching at the same time.

THANKS 25YEARS!!! Your presence in this board makes a world difference for some of us.

I think that the ring issue is very individual, some people may take their ring off as a symbol that the M is over or in serious trouble, others will just take it off because they want to make a point of some resentment. So every person has their own position on the ring stuff.

I would say that if you feel comfortable wearing it, then you do it. If not, then take it off and for sure it won't bother you.

About the 180s, it seems that you are doing some already. Maybe the one thing that you may need to work on is the GAL. Like you said, now that you are back from your trip you can start looking for some.

Hope 25years will pitch in and give some advices. Love to read it.

Take good care after yourself. You are doing pretty good.
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Thanks for the encouragement. I always feel better after I read your posts.

I am having a problem with GAL in the sense that I don't have a lot of friends to do things with because I spent all my time with H and S. Must get over this.

180's still looking for some other ones. Will see.


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Just a thought. If you have some cafes near you, go there and sit outside and have a coffee or a drink and people watch. You don't necessarily have to have others there w/you.

Join a book club at the local library.

Find some crafty classes, if you are into that sort of thing. I did stained glass when I first came here many years ago.

Find a hiking group.

Sometimes you have to think outside the box and venture forth and try something different. You might be pleasantly surprised that you like some of the new things that you try.


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Also, maybe a fitness class? Does your local leisure centre offer anything?? Or a yoga class? Local support group? Volunteering? Meetups? Ceroc? If you try & come up with a new regular GAL activity - one a month say - in six months you have lots more going on....


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Skhdive,

Lots of good advice here from Job and Toots, not forgetting 25years and her amazing list of GAL.

By my own experience, it is hard at the beginning, but then it start getting easier and easier. You need to expose yourself to the new and that is a bit uncomfortable at first.

But believe me, it gets better and makes you feel really alive again. It does not mean that you will suddenly resolve all the issues and just forget you H is even there.

Every time you do something, you will think about him being there. With time, you start changing that, and you will think that you and only yourself are enjoying your new activities.

The more you expose yourself, the better is a chance to meet new people, expand your circle of friends and have more opportunities to have some good time and fun.

I still go up and down, back and forth, but things are changing inside of me, and I am feeling a little better because I have been finding myself again, and it is getting easier too. I am more confident now then I have been for the last ten years.

25years gave you (and me) good advice that reach the bone core. She was very right and it is worth to follow it like a bible.

Try it small at first, if that is the way to start somewhere, you will feel better, I can assure you.

Have a nice weekend, enjoy it, you and S deserve.

XOXO
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Thanks for the support Toots Job and Pink. All good ideas and things I can do. I do belong to book club and gym and will start yoga in park next Saturday. I haven't tried a cafe but do have one near so I am going to do that. Really appreciate encouragementioned


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Ok I think I did pretty good this weekend thanks to all the support here. H came over yesterday and we took walk to park with S and dog on the way there we were talking about appreciation and my sister and H made the comment "ha I know how it feels to be unappreciated and I said I always appreciate what you do for me and H said you do now but you didn't for 10 years. Instead of arguing I just let it go and just said I appreciate what you do and all your help. That's all that was said.

Now you are probably thinking big deal but this is where I would normally launch in to asking about the R but I didn't. I let conversation end and changed topic.

something else I learned while listening to him was the fact that he was deleting my text and not reading them back when I was clingy and desperate. I said, "well I quit that a couple months ago." and he agreed. So FYI don't do that people. Good advice that I got from 25yrs don't talk about R.

Overall we had a pretty good day. H and I went for 45 minute motorcycle ride and then he went back to his house.

Again I am moving forward without any expectations even though yesterday he tug my hair etc (which may not seem like anything but its the most interaction he has shown me in months)

Still trying to get a handle on GAL cuz I just need to for myself. Thanks again for all the great ideas.

I sent shopping and bought a couple of new outfits for yoga and next weekend I am going to a concert with my sister.


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I hear you on the no expectations. That's exactly where I'm at.


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Originally Posted By: skhdive
25years: I am trying to figure out some good 180's to do and I am not having much luck other than I have not asked about R in 3 weeks. Wahoo record for me. Any advice on 180's. The way I read it it means doing the exact opposite or something that H wouldn't expect. Is not wearing my wedding ring a 180? I have made a big deal about him not wearing his in the past so I feel like that would not be right for me not to.

When a spouse wants out of the marriage or is on the fence, at length, they usually justify it by vilifying the LBS.

That means they find fault in the LBS and often, some of the faults are real b/c hey, we ALL have some.

So whichever faults he has listed or complained of, those are the ones you should target IF YOU wish to remedy them. I mean, if HE thinks you are fat and you honestly do not believe that is true, do not change it for him.

But let's say he complains about you being late for everything & let's assume it's a fair complaint. And that you want to change it. So you do. This means you are choosing to make an AUTHENTIC CHANGE in your behavior. Not merely doing something tactical to win him back, only to revert to the old ways once you get your way. That is seen for what it is, manipulation.

SO in the scenario about being chronically late and wanting to change that...

You become MRS PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time OR early for everything...so his "Data" about you is no longer accurate or valid.

And so on. 180s mean you are countering his negative images of you, with new positive images.

Since you wearing/not wearing your ring is only to get a reaction out of him, it's a tactic and not an authentic change. Tactics will be revealed for what they are, and then your real true changes will be much harder to believe in then. Understand"

You are undermining HIS NEGATIVE views of you and the marriage. Make sense?

When you mentioned how he said the cabin always means work for him, my first thought was to tell you to APPLAUD loudly for the 1% of positives he does.
Saying something along the lines of "You DO a lot of work there. THANK YOU for making it into something we all enjoy so much."

Not b /c that's a 180, precisely, although it probably is b/c you probably say nothing about that complaint OR you argue with it b/c you don't want him to feel that way..

As you may have realized, arguing with someone about how they feel is fruitless and usually destructive b/c they will no longer share that specific feeling with you if they are invalidated when they share it.

AND the "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives they do" is a great tool my DB coach gave me for communicating with my h. And it's a new way of looking at marriages b/c we tend to focus on our Unmet needs and Not on what our spouse does that is good or helpful.

We tend to focus on the X% of that is missing...but applauding for what is good, tends to promote more of it and even when that isn't the case, it helps the r.

But it is damn hard to do at times.



H came over today and I went about my business, chatted with him a little and cheerfully left the house.


Great!


I put up our swimming pool by myself, he had said he would do it when he came over but I went ahead and did it myself. Took forever but I got it done.

GOOD JOB!


Today he saw it was up and he said "I told you to let me do it" I said, "you know I get an idea in my head and I think I can do something so I do it.

I appreciate in other ideas or if I am not doing this right. Thanks.


2 options that might have gone better in the last example

1) "I know you did but I didn't want to make more work for you"

OR
2) "you already had/have so much other work, I wanted to help you out a little."

You'll have other opportunities to say this type of thing again, but use them well!

AND when you do, do NOT wait for him to respond. Be on your way out the door or to another room.

Let him process this new positive reinforcement at the same time, he'll see that you are in fact a capable woman.

I'd also add some mystery to your life now too. Be vague about who you are visiting or seeing the movie with ("friends" or "people from work/church/neighborhod") unless he presses you for more.

Always act surprised (not angry or indignant but surprised) that he's pressing YOU for more information and

leave unsaid that you do NOT ask him for any...

maintain an upbeat contented demeanor b/c 1) unhappy people are not attractive no matter how much you think being sad might make him feel guilty b/c the more likely scenario is it'll make him flee faster

and 2) truly content people are magnetic. AND 3) behaving as if you are happy and inwardly content has the interesting effect of actually helping us become happier and more content.



Good luck


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Thanks 25years I get the 180 now that you explained that way. I have some work to do.


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25years and Pink and anyone

I need help, we have a bank account together still as his he had said in past its a separation to hopefully get back together and that remains to be seen. So I have been paying attention and I notice that he has been taking cash out when he is making a purchase at say a gas station it will say purchase with $40 cash back it seems he does this at least twice a week for 40 - 50 dollars.

Then he uses the debit card for all other transactions like food, misc etc so its not like he is spending the cash that I know of.

My question is do I confront him with these cash withdrawals or keep my mouth shut. I feel like he is stashing money. I guess if I confront him he will get mad and deny it. Anything I can do? Any suggestions? Is he just spending it on whatever he doesn't want me to know what he is buying?

I am not having a good day I feel like cashing it in. He comes over and makes me feel like we are working on things and then I see all of this and I just don't understand.


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They tell us what we want to hear if he is withdrawing funds then I suggest that you take out half of the money and set up a separate account now. Your h could very well be putting the additional cash into a separate account or spending it on himself or someone else. Protect yourself and your financial stuff, as well as your bank accounts...take half out now before he drains the account. He could be testing you to see if you notice the cash back stuff and will eventually decide to take even more out.

If you confront him, he's going to deny it and call you paranoid and then gaslight you into thinking you are the one that is getting paranoid or trying to control him.

Until this man is actually doing the hard work to reconcile, i.e., actions speak louder than words, I would not hold my breath on him being truthful w/you about what he's doing activity wise as well as monetary wise.

You have to protect yourself and you certainly can't rely on him to do so right now.


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Skhdive,

For the same reason I decided to serve the D papers. In my situation I knew that my H was/is having an A and once I found $600 stashed into a jacket pocket.

I have kids and did not want to see all what we worked for to go down the drain and I had/have no idea if he is going through some MLC stuff or just went crazy now.

I even remember reading somewhere that 25years advised someone to consult a L to check your rights and so. That's what I did, I actually put some sanctions on my H that he can't touch our assets until we decide who has what.

It's a paradox, very unfortunately that we want them back and we do everything possible to revert the separation and in the same time we need to be vigilant on the financial side.

Is your H depositing his income in this joint account? If so, he is entitle to get some money out for his expenses, if not, if he does not pitch in anymore and is just taking money out, then you have one Red Flag.

There so many reasons he could be doing this, or not since the quantities are still small. But act now, don't wait until things get ugly. Is the house in your name or his name?

This was another reason for the D papers in my case. The house is in my H's name because Taxes purposes. When we separated, I went to the bank and was told that he could sell the house without my consent anytime he would like.

So, once I served him, he couldn't do that anymore. Be careful and look for some legal advice. You do not need to start the D right now, but you can talk to a L and see what are your rights in your specific situation.

Many Law offices offer a 30 min to an hour 1st consultation free of charge. I even went to a free service sponsored by the city where you could consult with a L for an hour and was all free.

Take care and take the best decision that fits your case.

Pink


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the house is in both our names. His paycheck is direct deposited into our account twice a month and the amount being deposited is the correct amount.

I am just now noticing these withdraws when he is at a grocery store or gas station. Now in previous years I didn't check on this stuff and but I know he did withdraw money here and there so he would have some cash on him I just don't know to what extent. Maybe its because I am paying attention now but he is also using debit card to pay for good, gas etc too.

So where is cash going?

I have talked with L and they advised me to start putting some money aside in small increments so maybe that is what he is doing too.

Job, thanks I think you are right its a no win situation to confront so you are right I need to protect myself and start my own fund.


Skhdivers
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H called and is going to pick S up from day camp today. I was suppose to because H was working but he got off early. I told him he didn't need to because I have changed my hours so I can all the time but if he wanted to that was fine. He said "well I haven't seen S in two days so I want to and then when you get home I will go mow my yard and workout.

Guess that shows where I rank, nowhere. At least he misses my S. That one smarted a little I have to say.


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S called me at work this afternoon and said his friend told him he had seen his dad at restaurant with a girl holding hands. I got home and told H what S Said and he said she was friend from work I didn't accuse or question it I just said he needed to explain that to S. The girl from work is married to another woman but who knows if that was true. Thoughts


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Should I have said anything to H or not. Today I debate that fact. I did because I need my S to understand what is going on and if it affects my S I think I need to handle.

Truth is I won't know if H is telling the truth or lying and again this is probably why GAL is important. I am struggling with the fact that he says he wants to try and work toward getting back together however I don't see a lot of action on his part and if he is out seeing OW then I guess I need to decide if I want to hang in there and keep DBing or just let go.


Skhdivers
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Using my big old STOP sign to stop wondering about what my S told me.

H said he would never do that to me and I should know better and I shouldn't even question him or have to ask him.

I wouldn't have said anything except we needed to talk with S about what happened because he was upset maybe I should have just talked to him myself. Considering what has happened I don't understand how H can possible think I should not question that. Maybe I shouldn't maybe it is his business and not mine now but when it affects my S it just made me mad.

I probably didn't follow good DBing here. What would any of you have done better?

Last edited by skhdive; 06/04/15 06:43 PM.

Skhdivers
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Last night I had hair appointment so I asked H to watch S. I was 30 minutes late from appointment, I stopped to meet friends for a drink (GAL). He was mad he told my S before I got home that people need to be on time. I could tell when I phoned to tell him I was on my way he was mad.

When I got home I said Sorry for running and let and keeping you and he said why I have no place to be but I know when he is mad but at the time I didn't understand why. My S told me later what he said. He was literally putting his shoes on as I came in the house - and no place to go? what's the hurry? lol

Back to GAL tonight I am going out with friends, on 25years advice I got a babysitter and going to free concert. Tomorrow is yoga in the park and dinner with friends as H is taking S overnight. Finally!


Skhdivers
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After the whole incident last week and him telling me he had to work and then would get home late and just eat hotdogs and then later find out he was at restaurant/bar with buddies and a girl who is just a friend I am having a hard time believing anything he says about "has nothing to do".

I know GAL but I am failing this last 2 days


Skhdivers
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After reading some of the other posts around here I am remotivated especially regarding the patience that I need to have which I am learning slowly unfortunately.

What is the difference between WAS and MLC? I am not sure which my H is I have thought MLC.


Skhdivers
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Did you read the section in DB about MLC?

Actually when your H left he became a WAS regardless of whether it was triggered by an MLC or something else.

He became dissatisfied with something in his life and decided to do something to get his mind off of it.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Thanks for info I need to reread that. I think you are right except I think he had an ow or thought maybe he did I don't think he ended up with her but in all honesty I think H is out there trying to find someone that he thinks is better then me or maybe will give he what he feels I didn't


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Or maybe H is justifying his behavior now by saying and convincing himself I was a bad wife. Not saying I was perfect and I know the areas I wasn't and am working on those for myself and M or whatever comes next. I know I will make it thru this I just hope my M can too


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Please start a new thread


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How


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Just click Index and New Topic grin

Last edited by Toots; 06/06/15 08:48 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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