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skhdive Offline OP
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25years:

You said:

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

Did you mean not to check on R with H and/or his behavior toward me and the M? Or did you mean take everything that happens for the next 90 days with H with me following your advice. Thanks.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
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skhdive Offline OP
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I have some mixed feelings about this weekend I am excited and also sad because H won't be going. Trying to think of all the positives and also how last year we didn't have much fun because H was so angry all the time and not really there anyway. My S and i are up for fun trip going to have snacks in car and lots of music


Skhdivers
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Hi Skhdive,

Don't be down on yourself for having these feelings. It is normal to miss him and think about him while doing something that you would usually do with him around. It's is just part of the process.

Hope you and your son are having fun, besides all the pain.

XOXO
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
Wow I am also having some issues on this. We started are problems 10-14. H moved out 1-28-15. We have made no progress. Sometimes he is nice and we do things together, other times he is very indifferent and I hear nothing from him.

Its very confusing and I am on a roller coaster of is he coming home or never coming home.


Please get off the roller coaster. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you to "wait" for your h. When you GAL for real, you will no longer be on his roller coaster.



I think about it constantly.


No offense, but ^^ this shows.

As I've said before, GAL FOR REAL and you will not be constantly thinking about him.

Do you think that obsessing about him and your situation has helped you at all? I don't. I think it's holding you back big time.

Plus, NO WAS returns to a marriage they left,

unless

they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.

How is your behavior showing your h any real change?

When you obsess and fume, you are letting Fear control you and when you operate in fear

you are not operating in faith. And it hurts your cause.


It is very hard to wait and see


THIS^^^ IS the flaw in your approach my friend. It's a common mistake.

No one here is telling you to "wait and see".

If you have read the DB books or gotten much out of this board, it must be that you are NOT to "wait & see".

You have to take charge of your life and your happiness


(and model that for your son) asap. Moving forward is NOT = to giving up.

But as of now, I fear you are still confusing "standing still" ("wait & see")

with standing for your m.

Standing for your marriage is NOT standing still and waiting...



because you don't know what is going to happen.


2 things.

Yes Limbo is HARD. I get that and if you check MY time line (see signature below)
you'll see that I was in limbo for a year before I moved forward.

And yes, it's a paradox that once I moved forward, operating under the belief that my h was likely over BUT that I'd be happy regardless,

it was then that I truly GAL and really did Detach....and it was around then that my h began his awakening.

I cannot prove those^^ facts are connected, but it seemed that way to me. And in the end, does it matter?

B/c my realization was that regardless of what my h chose, I'd be happy & live a fulfilling contented life, anyway. So frankly, it didn't matter a whole lot what he did.

Secondly, no one knows what tomorrow will bring, including those of us who are happily married. We have to learn to live in faith and not fear.

As Gilda Radner said when she faced the uncertainty of her illness (would she get better and become a mother, or die??), "we have to learn to embrace the ambiguity" b/c tomorrow is promised to no one.

Everyone is facing an inherent ambiguity in life. We could get hit by a bus or have cancer or our spouses could...we all learn to live with it and we do that, partly, by letting go of the illusion we have that we can control others...or life.


Maybe that is where the importance of GAL comes in and you the detaching. It is just very hard to do.



DING DING!! laugh

That absolutely IS where the importance of GAL and Detaching come into play.

You can't really DB if you are not GAL and working on Detachment.

Maybe you could go to Al-Anon. NOT b/c your h is an alcoholic,

but b/c it'd help YOU to let go of that which you cannot control
and live your life without worrying about HIM and without giving him the power you are giving him. That is a choice you are making; no one is forcing you to do that.

With your "wait & see" approach, you are handing him power over your life.

And that's a mistake. Take charge of your own happiness and your life and show your son that it's within HIS control to make his life a good one.

he's watching you far more than you realize.

Make sense?

Do you get this?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
I have some mixed feelings about this weekend

make the positives the feelings YOU FOCUS On..for you AND for your son.



I am excited and also sad because H won't be going.

You are showing yourself AND your h (& your son) that you do not "need" him for you to have fun. This is important. You need to manage one weekend without your (negative anyhow) h.


Trying to think of all the positives and also how last year we didn't have much fun because H was so angry all the time and not really there anyway.

Lately your h isn't exactly a barrel of laughs anyhow...so what's to miss? Be honest


My S and i are up for fun trip going to have snacks in car and lots of music



GOOD


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
25years:

You said:

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

Did you mean not to check on R with H and/or his behavior toward me and the M?

Skhdive,

I mean 2 things, one is about what to do if/when your h mistreats you AND the second is your over all approach.

1) if your h is rude to you, you can address the rude behavior when it happens. Don't accept it. Leave the room or hang up the phone or whatever, WHEN it happens.

Give him a warning "h, don't talk to me like that. I Deserve better" and then make your point, OR if he interrupts you, say "please don't interrupt me. As I was saying..." and then finish your point.

Do NOT wait for an apology.


But IF he repeats the behavior, e.g. he berates you or spews or interrupts you again,

YOU LEAVE THE ROOM (or hang up the phone) with a BRIEF remark like "I'll talk to you when you are calmer" or "when you can be civil".

Again, do not wait for a reaction on HIS end. YOU Control the interaction and that means you control your behavior.

Make sense?

2) Secondly, STOP asking him about the marriage or the future. It's right in the "rules" that Sandi has printed and I've printed and that you say you have read.

It is one of about 3 KEY concepts you must adopt. I don't think you really believe me. B/C you continue to ask your h for reassurance (no matter what you think you are doing, that's a huge part of it and it's NOT something your h can do for you).

Meaning, he will NOT suddenly slap his forehead and say

"Oh, wow, I just realized I've been a fool. I'm coming home now to recommit to our marriage. Thanks for reminding me with another temperature check."


Okay?

Or did you mean take everything that happens for the next 90 days with H with me following your advice. Thanks.


^^The latter. That does Not mean that on day 91 you ask him what he's thinking/feeling or about to do.

It means you assess how YOU feel about how things are going and whether YOU can keep it up for, say, another 90 days. And you take it in those time chunks.

If you are GAL FOR REAL, his choice will not matter as much.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
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skhdive Offline OP
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Thanks for the information.

I had a great weekend and hardly even thought about H. Headed back to town and got text from H saying he was going to stop by around 6 after we got back. He did and we played the game Life with my S. I notice he wasn't wearing his wedding ring and I said nothing again it just doesn't matter. I went out to garage came back and he had it on. So is he just wearing it around me? Oh wait this is something I shouldn't be thinking about it is his own weird thing to figure out.

We had a great weekend. When we got home my S told H all about it and S was so excited. H said he didn't like the cabin anymore because all he did was work on it. Whatever not our problem my S said its dad's loss.

I found that we were fine with getting everything opened up. My sister and her boys and boyfriend were there and they took my S under their wing and took him fishing etc and he had so much fun. I actually found that things went smoother, no inner family fights because H always thought he had to do all the work and others were "lazy" which is not true, much more calm time and I could do things at my leisure and no one yelled at my S.

Detaching is hard and I am working at it every day 25years. I am GAL, not quite there yet but after this weekend I am doing better. When my H comes around I have to apply the STOP method still but I have not asked about R for the last 2 1/2 weeks which is a record for me and I plan to keep on not asking!!!


Skhdivers
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25years: I am trying to figure out some good 180's to do and I am not having much luck other than I have not asked about R in 3 weeks. Wahoo record for me. Any advice on 180's. The way I read it it means doing the exact opposite or something that H wouldn't expect. Is not wearing my wedding ring a 180? I have made a big deal about him not wearing his in the past so I feel like that would not be right for me not to.

H came over today and I went about my business, chatted with him a little and cheerfully left the house.

I put up our swimming pool by myself, he had said he would do it when he came over but I went ahead and did it myself. Took forever but I got it done. Today he saw it was up and he said "I told you to let me do it" I said, "you know I get an idea in my head and I think I can do something so I do it.

I appreciate in other ideas or if I am not doing this right. Thanks.


Skhdivers
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Skhdive,

I am so proud of all you doing. You are really working hard on yourself and learning a lot. 25years write in some simple way that is so easy to learn and understand. Somehow it is like have some power of comfort and teaching at the same time.

THANKS 25YEARS!!! Your presence in this board makes a world difference for some of us.

I think that the ring issue is very individual, some people may take their ring off as a symbol that the M is over or in serious trouble, others will just take it off because they want to make a point of some resentment. So every person has their own position on the ring stuff.

I would say that if you feel comfortable wearing it, then you do it. If not, then take it off and for sure it won't bother you.

About the 180s, it seems that you are doing some already. Maybe the one thing that you may need to work on is the GAL. Like you said, now that you are back from your trip you can start looking for some.

Hope 25years will pitch in and give some advices. Love to read it.

Take good care after yourself. You are doing pretty good.
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skhdive Offline OP
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Thanks for the encouragement. I always feel better after I read your posts.

I am having a problem with GAL in the sense that I don't have a lot of friends to do things with because I spent all my time with H and S. Must get over this.

180's still looking for some other ones. Will see.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
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