Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
H text and wanted to know if s and I wanted lunch. I said sure but now I am thinking maybe I should just send my S and I shouldn't go because this won't help me detach. Need advice or rules on what to do when this happens. Anyone? 25 years?


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 555
Link to similiar situation

Check out this thread.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: skhdive
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I take a step every day toward's GAL and working on me. Today my S is going with his grandma so I am going to hit the gym this evening.

It is hard with H around now and then but I think 25 years and you and Caliguy are right about just doing my thing and having no expectations of them.


Here's the thing that gets wacky. So much of this is a matter of perspective.

SOME folks hate that they have NC with their WASs b/c then, how can they show the changes they are making??

Others say "hard to GAL or detach b/c WAS is interrupting me or lives here, visits, etc. Too much tension."

Bottom line, make the best of whatever situation exists. If they are GONE, you have a lot of space from them, and can make the most of the work you want to do.

The changes you make will be more noticeable to them if the contacts are limited, b/c it can be harder to notice changes in someone who is with you every day.

If you are in a situation that has some contact with the WAS (e.g. b/c you have kids together or own something together) then

make the most of those limited interactions. See them as OPPORTUNITIES for you to demonstrate genuine change within.

If I were you and knew I was going to see my h in the evening, I'd have plans to go out and I would get the heck out of the home. When he gets there,
spend maybe ONE minute being pleasantly upbeat to him, but on your way out.

You are busy meeting new FUN people, going to interesting new places and doing fascinating things! Conversation with your h might look like this:

"Hi h, so the stuff you wanted is in that room, etc. Sorry I'm on my way out,
Take care, bye."

IF your h asks you anything about where you are going or with whom, you are pleasantly vague about who, but upbeat... a tad rushed.

Whatever the GAL is, such as dance lessons, bowling, etc, you say that.

"Oh, I'm going to Dance class. It's really fun. Okay see you later." And be off.

If he presses you or says something inappropriate or judgmental, look surprised. (who is HE to tell you not to go out??)

Tell him "Wow, I think we have to table that for now, b/c I'm on my way out."

Which you can say anytime you are not ready to discuss a topic.

Make sense? If this ^^^^ is not applicable, that's cool. Just some suggestions.

Your goal is that over TIME, those brief but pleasant exchanges will demonstrate to your h that you two can have conversations without conflict. You must show him that he can relax around you. Then let it build. Perhaps a short term goal could be to have a 5 min conversation with h without ANY negative commentary or conflict discussed.

As my DB coach said, "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does", (which is NOT easy but it crucial).

She also once said "Listen like a Lover", which sounded crazy at first but then I realized I could listen to him a lot better.

So you listen with full eye contact with him and recap what he told you to demonstrate that you heard him. NO sarcasm, no judgment and just

build on that^^. Short term goals, then longer term that build on the short term ones.

Make sense?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: skhdive
H text and wanted to know if s and I wanted lunch. I said sure but now I am thinking maybe I should just send my S and I shouldn't go because this won't help me detach. Need advice or rules on what to do when this happens. Anyone? 25 years?


Go. Put the "Positive Helmet" on so that nothing your h says or does can bother you b/c it is only one evening. There is no cause for you to object or criticize a thing. If he says or does something, look at it in the most favorable light possible for this one evening.

It's an opportunity to demonstrate change in you. Any 180s come to mind?

After this, you can accept maybe half the invites but don't reject the first one or two.

Okay?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
25 years Thanks for the advice!

He ended up bringing lunch over to the house and we had a good time. He took me for a motorcycle ride and then did some work on our bbq grill.

My car's brakes are acting up and of course I leave this Friday with S for the cabin so I mentioned it to him and he said he would fix. What are the rules on this? Is it ok to ask him to help me fix things or should I handle this on my own. some things I do on my own but we are low on cash so can't really afford to have a car shop fix? Thoughts? He said no problem but I really don't like asking right now to help fix because it makes me feel needy.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
Also I want to say to 25Years your advice has really helped me see that the past I have been focused on what H is thinking and doing and now when I do that I do imagine the big STOP sign and it does help and it makes me feel not so desperate or anxious maybe it brings a calm back over me knowing that I do not need to worry about what H is doing or not doing etc because it is not for me to control.

I think I have done much better with H because of this and I am able to focus on my things and not H and I am becoming a little more happier.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Wow Skhdive, it's really uplifting to read your last posts. You are doing such great work. Keep the good stuff happening. He will notice.

I also would like to thank you and 25Years, your exchange in questions and advices have been helping me to get this whole detaching straight in my sitch and I did a huge progress this last weekend.

I like the fact that you have been thinking before acting, it gives you time to choose the right direction. You are a very smart person and will learn a lot along the way in this new journey in your life.

Wish you the best.
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
You're very welcome. Without this board and my DB coach (a Godsend if ever there was one) were the biggest factors in my staying married.

As to what to accept from your h and what not to...brakes on a car when you're low on cash seems like a no brainer to me...("YES THANKS!")

and remember to see some of these as opportunities to applaud loudly for the 1% of positives that he does.

I'm guessing now, but is one of your h's love languages "Words of affirmation"? Most men like to feel admired. Sometimes they confuse it with love, but that can work for us as their spouses.

I highly recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman, and I say that for all couples, b/c even though it's not revolutionary, it really really does help to remind us that -

NOT all of the ways we show or give love, are received as such by our spouses.

And the reverse is true as well. I've seen many people here complain about the way their gifts or acts of service or "favors" and compliments were "NOT appreciated" much...but the thing is, many times the spouse does Not hear the love language
we are speaking to them...and it's not b/c they are ungrateful, it's b/c we are not speaking their love language.

At a personal growth workshop I attended long ago,

I saw a professional man stand up & tearfully say:

"so my wife said she'd take the day off to drive the 3 hours to pick me up. Then I changed my mind & she said 'ok'. Then I changed my mind again, and said I DO want her to come get me after all, & she agreed...

and I just realized I've been shutting out the love she has been sending me all these years, b/c it wasn't 'wrapped' the way I wanted it wrapped. It wasn't sent in the 'lanes' I allowed and I've ignored all the ways she HAS loved me... I've been a fool."

That just really hit me.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
I think you are right about the words of affirmation. I have read that book. My therapist recommended it. I could never decide if he was that or actions. I am leaning toward words of affirmation because today he text me about the weather and being cold to ride his motorcycle nad I said jokingly that he would have to borrow my brother-inlaws's leather jacket and he said "fat man in a little coat" which he is not fat in fact he is very muscular and he does this a lot saying these things about himself and I use to say no you aren't you are so muscular and I think I stopped that because I just began to ignore it because I didn't think he really thought that about himself but now I am thinking he wanted me to say he wasn't so today I said not fat just muscular.

something to pay attention to for the future.

25years you have helped me so much I can't believe it. Everything you have said is pretty much dead on. I have taken your advice and am really working on myself and thoughts and seeing things that I didn't catch before like above.

Keep posting to me with your thoughts and ideas!


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
Spoke to soon no word yet from H since yesterday morning when H randomly text me which is fine except he said he would fix my brakes before my trip on Friday with my S.

Not sure I should have done this but I sent him a text this morning just seeing how his day was and then eased into now what was wrong with my car? H said rotors need replaced. H didn't not say that he would fix this time and so I didn't mention it. Not sure what to do now. Should I ask him if he will be able to fix today as tomorrow he is working a 24 hour shift or should I just try and find a car place to do it on short notice?

I hate asking H for anything.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard