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[quote=skhdive]You are amazing. If I can accomplish 1/3 of what you do I will be satisfied. My sister and her 3 sons and one gf are going up too so we should have a lot of fun. I am close to my sister.

That's^^ huge! Thank God your sister is there and has sons too. Blessings!


I have isolated myself since we got married and didn't even realize it until H left. I have some work to do to build up my self confidence and get myself out into the world.

All I can tell you is that it's worth it.

And make no mistake, others are just as self conscious as you are. You may see someone fun there with friends and you'll have to remind yourself "she's there with friends so it's pretty brave of ME to come to this alone" and know that a lot of us out there will realize that too)


I signed up today for yoga in the park never would have done that before and quite honestly I am nervous to go on my own.

Have a sense of humor about the yoga b/c when I went, the moves were SO out of my league I had to laugh at myself for trying. But the more I laughed, the more fun I had. No one judged me.


I also joined a book club a month ago and do enjoy that.

I hear what you are saying and believe you are correct now the hard part for me is putting myself out there after 20 years of marriage.

Been there, done that. Overcoming our initial resistance is usually the hardest part.

IF you end up going into the dating world, you'll feel "weird" at first. But 1) you might still reconcile and 2) it gets better anyhow.

MY older sister was abandoned by her h after 22 years, 3 kids and her working the whole time putting him thru law school and then partnership track, etc.

When she began dating the man she ended up marrying, I asked her how it all was at first. She said "really weird, not all bad, but definitely surreal." And they kept dating and when her ex h woke up and wanted back into their marriage, it was finally just too late.

SHE had awakened to the reality that not every man is constantly irritable, moody, whiny and negatively programmed.

I asked her about taking him back and she said "I'll always feel bad abut the divorce for the kids. But now that I know what it's like to be the priority to a man, I can't see going back to what ex h and I had."

She is happier now than she ever could have been, with her ex. And only by his breaking her heart, could she discover that.


I also re read your earlier post and you asked how I was changing myself so M can be better so that would be to be more confident in myself encourage H to do his thing without trepidation

Bear all this^^ in mind for your future relationships regardless of who they are with b/c

if you feel secure in who you are, then only an idiot would cheat on or abandon you
and since you don't want to be married to an idiot, you are better off without them.

Yeah, I know that is nice to read but hard to FEEL and believe but in time, if the changes you make are real, it'll happen.


stop asking so many questions about what he is doing and think more about what I am doing.

YES! And besides, you have NO control over what he is doing. Do you want to spend your precious time on earth on things over which you have no control?

Tomorrow is promised to no one. Life is so very short.



I used to be more silent because that is who I am but for some reason along the way I became this talkative person I think because I felt like if I didn't ask him questions he would think I didn't care.

Maybe...maybe you asked questions b/c you felt fearful he was pulling away. ??


Traits I am working on will be not to over analyze or think about h or what he says lots of work here needed). Not feeling that I HAVE to talk

Let others fill the silence OR learn to embrace it. Silence used to mean "everyone feels awkward" to me, but then I realized that I come from a family of extroverts.

Sometimes just being with or near someone is sharing the time with them.
But normal people are okay with silence and I have come to savor it when it comes.


and realizing that all of this is not all my fault because that is how I have felt.

THis^^ might be true but it's not a "trait" to work on. You may not have flaws you want to improve upon but most of us do. I can be dismissive, I can overly generalize and rush to a quick "verdict" on topics, and those are just off the top of my head. I'm a work in progress and I'm at peace with that.

Dig deeper and see if there might be other things you want to work on. Also, just curious, how are you about the finances if your h leaves? Have you spoken to a L? IF not, why not?


Accepting that h may or may not come back and that is his decision and that once I detach I will be ok

Oh I can actually guarantee one thing here. If you detach AND GAL, you will be more than okay. You will do more than "survive"; you will thrive.

And paradoxically, (b/c the goal of GAL is not really to "get them back" but to be fine on our own)

if you really detach and GAL, you may find your h much more interested in reconciling. Go figure.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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skhdive Offline OP
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25years

My one problem I am having is when H comes to house in morning to pick up S or when I get home at night sometimes he is still there and he talks etc and then I let this give me hope that maybe he is coming around and I feel like it is causing me a problem with detaching. How can I handle this? Do I just listen and talk until he is ready to leave? This is confusing for me.

H was there last night and he blew leaves off patio and text me later and told me that my gutters were full and he would clean them tomorrow. Is this stuff that I let happen? I want to be self sufficient.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
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Originally Posted By: skhdive
25years

My one problem I am having is when H comes to house in morning to pick up S or when I get home at night sometimes he is still there and he talks etc and then I let this give me hope that maybe he is coming around and I feel like it is causing me a problem with detaching. How can I handle this? Do I just listen and talk until he is ready to leave? This is confusing for me.

H was there last night and he blew leaves off patio and text me later and told me that my gutters were full and he would clean them tomorrow. Is this stuff that I let happen? I want to be self sufficient.


skh ... its tough. You have to be in the mindset of "No Expectations" ... you can be kind, nice and neighborly, usually it helps to cut the conversation off on your terms, you end it, say goodbye, like you have somewhere to be even if you don't ... as if you have a life and you are moving forward with it.

This becomes much easier when you actually are GALing and have things going on in your life. I know for me ... I had plans with my S on M,T and Sun ... Wed I was in a church class, Thursday Softball, Fri night I worked a DJ gig, Saturday mornign rides on the Harley, Saturday night mass, Sunday morning Football .... what free time I had was cooking and cleaning, doing chores .... I was so busy I really had no time for the long chit chats .. I was moving on.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Yeah I need to get there. I am working on it but it is hard when he comes over and is actually speaking to me and telling me things that he is doing. I feel I still will ask questions like what are you going to do tonight, or what are you having for dinner? I think because I ask my friends that too. Should I not ask him that stuff? probably not since I feel like that isn't really detaching myself.

I get sucked into the conversation and then find myself trying to make more. Something to work on regarding my goal of not feeling like I have to talk.


Skhdivers
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H was at house when I got home. He wasn't very talkative but was watching a movie all of a sudden he got up and left and said bye I just said bye and let him go.

This is progress for me because in past I would ask what are you doing tonight. So I just focused on what I needed to do tonight and it helped


Skhdivers
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Skhdivers,

It's hard to think that we will ever get to the point of being more detached, but with time, patience, a lot of backsliding, listening and reading the posts of some wise people here and you find yourself doing it.

Iy's hard at first, it feels like you are pushing them away from you, but you start seeing that they become curious and they try to find every single excuse to approach you and find out what you are up to.

It took me a lot of mistakes and pain to figure that GAL and detachment is the only way to make things easier for you and in a way for the R.

I couldn't understand at first and was trying to hold on to the little hope that things between H and I would be resolved in a few weeks, months.

After awhile and a lot of tears, I decide to face that my M as it was has ended. the way I see now is that H is a candidate with advantages. But if we ever get back together, it will be because we will fall in love all over again.

Is it possible? No one knows. But I am doing the things I can do for myself now and it's finally feeling a little better.

I read a lot of 25 posts and posts to others and have been learning with every word she wrote to other people I. This board.

Believe and start training yourself. You will be a better person for yourself, your children and your next R, with your H or someone else.

You are learning and growing, just like I am doing too, and many others here. It's hard at first, but it gets better.

Keep the hard work and believe in yourself. Another lesson I learned was to set my boundaries with my H. It took me a long, long time because I loved that he was still close to me, but that was just postponing the inevitable and creating more pain. I learned after getting my heart broken over and over, then after thinking of my priorities, I decided to take control over my life.

My days are easier now and I am starting feeling proud of myself for my accomplishments. You can do it too girl. Like the wise say here: it is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hugs,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I take a step every day toward's GAL and working on me. Today my S is going with his grandma so I am going to hit the gym this evening.

It is hard with H around now and then but I think 25 years and you and Caliguy are right about just doing my thing and having no expectations of them.


Skhdivers
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Go and have fun at the gym, it helps release some chemicals in your brain that will help you to be happier, lighter, in a good mood I would say. Besides, you can meet other people there.

Think it is hard, but it is for you and you deserve it.

XOXO
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I saw my therapist today and told her the things I thought were holding me back or I needed to work toward which are stop dwelling on what h is doing saying etc and for the future I would like to hav an r with h or someone else where I feel comfortable with who I am and whatever they are doing will be fine and I won't worry about what they are doing. Those are things I need to figure out while gal


Skhdivers
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Skhdive,

Time, patience, backsliding, moving forward, crying, screaming at your pillow, smiling, praying, exercising, reading good stuff, reading self improvement stuff, listening to others and filtering what is good just for you, respecting yourself and make yourself a priority.

That's is the way you will probably learn along the way while dealing with this S. It's very hard to believe now that we can get better, we can detach day after day, we become stronger, confident, happier and prettier too. Guess what? It happen, if you follow the books and the amazing folks that post on our threads, you slowly but surely start getting there.

Just have faith, believe that this system really works to make you a better person. It teaches you how to pursue your own happiness and the person you want to be.

You are a strong person, we can feel your strength between the lines you write, you can do it and I believe in you.

Don't worry if you make some mistakes as you are learning and your emotions are all over the place because the situation we have now. Be gentle with yourself, pick yourself up and start again.

Be brave and be beautiful.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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