I do have to say that the days where H is working and I don't see him are easier for me then the days H comes to my house and I have to see him. That is when I start obsessing so I need to figure out how to handle that. Any suggestions?
I know full detachment for me was really hard due to seeing W often. In DB I think there was a little blip about when you do have contact, make certain you end the conversation first .. do this consistently. I was short here and there ... dropped S off, gave him a warm kiss/hug smiled ... PMA always high (or atleast tried) then would look at her "Have a nice day" and i turned around and left ... every now and then she would try to stop me, I would either make sure I was out, or turn answer the question (Usually a weak one) ... again say have a great day and almost skip to my car like I was the happiest dude ever.
Atfirst ... ^^^^^ tough, fake it till ya make it ... but it does help one begin to rebuild ... lets face it .. the BD, nothing stings more ... well .. maybe one other thing .. but BD is tough and it strips us of everything we thought we were and what we thought we wanted.
So ... yeah .. hit up those GAL's ... fake the PMA ... end the convo first thats how you start to detach.
Make sure your H never finds out about this place, books, cliff notes .. things you may have printed ... it will only come across as a devious plan to trick him back, ad will blow things up ... .this place and these changes are for you ... YOU only
Gotch ya. Since he doesn't live with me it is a easier to keep it from him.
I will try the short answer thing and I thought if I am not there in the morning that will be my 180 as I have always been there in the past to say "Hi".
Gotch ya. Since he doesn't live with me it is a easier to keep it from him.
I will try the short answer thing and I thought if I am not there in the morning that will be my 180 as I have always been there in the past to say "Hi".
It's such an understatement to say "this is so hard" but we have all been there and done that.
No one arrives here feeling really great about themselves or their lives. GAL is mandatory for Detachment and helps to stop obsessing far more than anything else I can think of.
While going to the cabin with your son IS a smart thing to do, would it kill you to have him bring a friend OR for you to do the same?
Just an idea. Our first Xmas separated, h came over for 2 days and then left. I took the 3 kids on a ski trip and it was GREAT. Just a short trip but we needed to remember that we could have fun with or without h.
The next summer was our 25th wedding anniversary and I was NOT going to be home alone again...so I took the kids to Italy. OMG best money I ever borrowed...
and h noticed b/c he could not reach any of us for 2+ weeks...but we saw things that did NOT remind me of h and that were stimulating and fun and it was such a rewarding thing to do. The problem with going to the cabin with your son is that it MIGHT accent the gap in company b/c your h usually goes and there are only 3 of you in all. (In other words I think having 3 kids made it a little easier to just have h missing, whereas if there were only 1 kid, a missing parent is more noticeable.)
Also for your GAL please please involve OTHER PEOPLE b/c doing too much alone stuff, the solo activities tends to keep us isolated.
And as much as "meeting new people" feels super awkward, it always pays off and if you retreat into solo activities more (as many of us are tempted to do when we feel hurt)
you could easily just feed the depression that will set in, and the feelings of alienation. Then you will obsess MORE, not less. And so, I strongly urge newcomers to GAL with PEOPLE....
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.
And I had 3 kids, including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).
Inertia & "discomfort" are the greatest enemies to GAL. Overcome them, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life, regardless of what your spouse chooses.
IMO, the more you overcome these obstacles, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h.
Okay so...
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. (Then was on the Bd of Directors, which actually was a great networking channel for me later).
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast often, too.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the "Improv" in Hollywood. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, and got better at downhill skiing.
I Learned to hunt big game, & became an excellent shot.
I learned to fly fish & to deep sea fish too.
I learned to use a snowmobile (i.e. a "snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it!
I finally learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. (Long time dream of mine).
I went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!
I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. OMG Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.
Right or wrong, Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.
(Plus I'd just had our last child, and yes I needed to lose the baby weight. It was NOT easy to do, especially in the dark, deathly cold of the LONG Alaskan winters).
I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs. Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I actually liked it a lot). Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of being active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! There, I met two women who are life long friends to this day.) Joined a writer's group and met intelligent creative people.
Took a class in Conversational French, & I took a class in Italian cooking - still benefits us!
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
I'm sure you have your own set of dreams and goals OR that you can come up with some.
IT's the hardest I've ever worked to just feel normal or ok. But it worked even better.
THAT is why we hammer GAL so much here; it truly helps.
Oh and btw, it also makes us a lot more attractive to the world, which sometimes includes our WAS's.
I became happier and more loving. The forgiveness lessons I got were invaluable.
Seriously, I was pretty content. And I was much less terrified of being "alone" - in part b/c I knew I would not be alone if I didn't want to be. But I knew that financially I'd be fine (which I only knew b/c I saw a lawyer and got information. Knowledge is power and the more I knew I'd be fine without h, the better my GAL was the more content
and LESS OBSESSIVE I became b/c the fears were decreased..so yes, you must see a Lawyer asap)
I believe that when we are truly, inwardly content with ourselves and have done the work we needed to do, that inner peace somehow radiates from within. And it is attractive.
A LOT of men came hit on me in those years, and I felt attracted to some of them, which was refreshing and empowering too. I have to think some of it was that they wanted to be near someone who was happy with herself. And yes, that did eventually include h.
Frankly, I had to be convinced to try again at the marriage when h showed interest (and he didn't just give "signs". HE SAID things I needed to hear and he was clear about it. You won't have to "guess" when your h is really ready to work on things b/c if he's emotionally there, he'll tell you. )
Good luck and keep on posting. IF you work this program it does get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are amazing. If I can accomplish 1/3 of what you do I will be satisfied. My sister and her 3 sons and one gf are going up too so we should have a lot of fun. I am close to my sister.
I have isolated myself since we got married and didn't even realize it until H left. I have some work to do to build up my self confidence and get myself out into the world. I signed up today for yoga in the park never would have done that before and quite honestly I am nervous to go on my own.
I also joined a book club a month ago and do enjoy that.
I hear what you are saying and believe you are correct now the hard part for me is putting myself out there after 20 years of marriage.
I also re read your earlier post and you asked how I was changing myself so M can be better so that would be to be more confident in myself encourage H to do his thing without trepidation stop asking so many questions about what he is doing and think more about what I am doing. I used to be more silent because that is who I am but for some reason along the way I became this talkative person I think because I felt like if I didn't ask him questions he would think I didn't care.
Traits I am working on will be not to over analyze or think about h or what he says lots of work here needed). Not feeling that I HAVE to talk and realizing that all of this is not all my fault because that is how I have felt. Accepting that h may or may not come back and that is his decision and that once I detach I will be ok and finally I don't need to control only myself which I have been way out of control and didn't realize until I reread 25years posts to me. Thank you
Alright today I got myself up did some push ups took 25 years advice and while I ran I did my thinking of H etc to hopefully get it out of my system for the day.
I did hear from H sent me pictures of tattoos now that he wants. I did text back and said they all look very interesting. He called a couple of times but for once I didn't pick up as I was at the gym doing my running and I have decided that the time there is me time and I do not need to think about anything else.
