Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
25yearsmic: I will keep posting here. Thank you. for advice.

I have read DB and have been referring back because you are right I am focused on H all the time about what he is doing, thinking and meaning behind what he is saying.

He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped. He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend. He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

I do ask about the R I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do but for some reason I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.

I am trying to work on myself. I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy. I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling. Like I said above the one thing I need work on is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.

I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.

I don't feel I have ever controlled him this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc... we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone and wanted to go again I would ask that he spend time with us.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: skhdive


He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped. He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend. He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

So by constantly asking him about the R .. how does that go against coming off as controlling? See where he might have a point here?

I do ask about the R I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do but for some reason I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.

I had the same problem .. you can not fix it. Accept that and start following the DB principles and you will be better off for it.


I am trying to work on myself. I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy. I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling. Like I said above the one thing I need work on is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.

I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.

I know it seems the opposite .. but the more of ^^^^ that ... the more you are pushing him away ... you can not control if he files or not, no more than you can control what underwear he decides (if any) to go with on a Wednesday.

Somehow you really need to move all the energy you spend on your H, towards yourself and detach .. like 25 said .. its very hard but you can not start to do the work till you move out of your H's head and back into your own.


I don't feel I have ever controlled him this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc... we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone and wanted to go again I would ask that he spend time with us.


You may not feel you have, but your H has stated this ... its how HE feels and he has openly shared that ... so for him its a trigger .. one you have to start respecting or you will send him running faster and further.

Your M is broken, H fired you from being his wife ... you are still there out in the rain waiting for him to return but he is not going to even look your way when its the same ol same ol .. there was a reason why he left .. is it solely the control thing ... I doubt it but right now thats the only clue you seem to have, time to detach, GAL, 180 and listen to what he says ... not mind read .. actually wait and listen.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Go back and re-read what the posters have posted to you, especially what CaliGuy and 25 Years have posted. Read the DB and DR books and if you haven't done the reading homework that Cadet provided to you, then do it. It's imperative that you understand that the more you do a temperature check on the relationship w/him, the more he's going to run the other way. Detaching is difficult, but it can be done because we all have had to learn to do it. Sure, we make mistakes, but we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue moving forward.

The amount of energy that you use to try to get him back could be spent on YOU. You are giving him far too much head space that he's not renting. This is YOUR time to work on YOU. You are the only one that can control your destiny and trust me, he will notice changes that you make...but as I have stated to others, those changes will have to become part of your day-to-day life and not just to trick him into returning.

Okay, time to crack open the books and start reading.

BTW, I'm very happy that others have chimed in and got as confused as I was getting about the number of threads you had going. Stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies and then start a new one. If you have a new idea or something springs into your mind, change your thread subject line within the current thread you are posting to. There is no need to start a new thread because of it.

The road you are traveling is a bumpy one, but I can promise you...if you listen to the posters, your journey will be a bit better than fighting against the advice that is being given. I know, we all think we can fix the spouses, but we can't. They have to fix themselves.

Start writing a new chapter in your life's book today. It's a blank page and we want to learn about YOU.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Dear Skh

there's no way that this won't hurt as it has,for awhile. But it does pass.


Originally Posted By: skhdive
25yearsmic: I will keep posting here. Thank you. for advice.

I have read DB and have been referring back because you are right I am focused on H all the time about what he is doing, thinking and meaning behind what he is saying.


Then STOP it and if that means visualizing a stop sign every time a thought about your h comes into your head, then do it.

Your son needs you and You need you to stop handing your mental energy over to a man who isn't there now.

A few weeks of that imaging in my head really helped and then GAL did a lot for me too.
But I wasted a YEAR OF MY Life asking questions like you are asking that there are NO "good" answers to.

All you can do is work on you.



He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped.

Okay these ^^ are things to work on for sure. They are all about your controlling nature with him if you look at it.

Snooping is about control and so is the whole permission thing, and the questions of him, etc.

LET GO of the illusion that you ever had control over him...it's really quite freeing.

Don't rob him of the chance to learn from experience, b/c we all need it and it's often the only way we can learn something.


I had to release my h to his "task" of going off to Alaska to find whatever it was that he was seeking. Only by going and discovering that life there in all its glory, wasn't so great when his family was elsewhere.

I could not "teach" him that.


He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend.

This^^ is mostly about him again, not you.

Is the part about you showing interest/jealousy of OW true? Would you have reacted if he'd been that interested or texting a guy about a motorcycle?

How do You personally like to resolve conflict? How does he? How do you two together resolve conflict, or does it fester or go unresolved?

What would HE say about conflict resolution if he were here?


He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he

all about him again...keep the focus on you


doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

I think nothing wrecks a relationship faster than constantly taking its' temperature.

Leave it alone. FOLLOW the applicable parts of the 37 rules as best you can.l

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

What changes do you think HE could see in you? By "changes" in you, I mean behavioral changes that have existed for more than a few weeks, like for 90 days or more?

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

If something happens before then - that's great.

But you need to back off big time and for much longer than you have so far.



I do ask about the R


Stop asking. This isn't easy but its also not complicated.

Stop asking him about the marriage. OR the future. This is a HUGE part of the "37 rules" and it's one you continue to break.

I'd think you'd stop sticking your hand in the fire, b/c it gets burned every time you do.



I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do


You "waited two weeks" (I'm shaking my head at your time line)

and then you say you "know this is the wrong thing to do..."

and I know the next word is a "but"

and what that means is "But I don't care enough that it's wrong..."

And that is a problem you have to work on in you. Start caring more about his messages to you. He told you many times in effect, to back off and give him some space and that you are too controlling.

The more you flout the rules here and do the opposite of what he's asking the more you prove him right.

To him, that probably means that marriage to you would be exactly as it was before

He has told you in effect that he thinks his feelings are ignored. So, what are you proving - every time you go back and snoop or ask him about the relationship?




but for some reason
I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.


Oh but he has talked about it. The behaviors he has mentioned he does not want, continue. (The "snooping" and the constantly asking him about his feelings and the relationship)

So it probably does Not appear to him that talking about it helps at all.

To me,

when you say "Talking about it helps" (I'm thinking he'd say "no it has not helped and it is part of the problem")

and when you say you could "fix it' what I hear you saying is that you want to control it, again.

So you are shooting yourself in the foot by repeating behaviors that don't get you anywhere.

What do YOU think?


I am trying to work on myself.

Tell us about this^^. What traits are you specifically working on? How about which behaviors of yours that you wish to work on?

HOW are you working on them? The more specific you are, the more likely you are to achieve them.

For instance I might say I "want to get in shape" but then I say "BY walking/running 2 miles a day 3-4 times a week".

So HOW are you working on yourself?


I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy.

Just so you know, these ^^ are just basics and They are things "not" to do.

What changes are you making within, that you want to bring to your next r, (hopefully with your h)?

What traits are you cultivating more of? Improvements within, etc.??



I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling.

Just mirror his behavior so that if he is NOT in a talkative mood, you don't drag words out of him. Back off.

If he's warm and engaging, you can mirror back.

But still be the one to stop the conversation first NOT to punish but b/c your happy life is so busy,

and be upbeat and happy about your GAL even if you are faking it for now.


Like I said above the one thing I need work on

dig deeper


is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.


Start with this^ for sure. It'll save your sanity if nothing else.


I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.





It does NOT help you to keep picking at this. If anything, the constant asking will push into the lawyer's office.

Your inability to contain yourself when you've gotten such consistent signals from him on this issue is startling.

At some level you either want him to divorce you, or you have a serious problem controlling your own behavior, which, paradoxically might be why you spend so much energy trying to control his.

Any truth ^^ there?


I don't feel I have ever controlled him
this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc...

we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone

and wanted to go again --- I would ask that he spend time with us.


I think these sentences conflict. Do you see how?



Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/15 03:53 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
25yearsmlc

Those are some tough points that you made to me and has given me a lot of food for thought.

You nailed his feelings in the part where you talk about "but". Its not that I don't care, its because I care so much that I ask. I have read what you said how this can be turned around for him. So this will be an area that I really need to concentrate on.

Is the part about you showing interest/jealousy of OW true? Would you have reacted if he'd been that interested or texting a guy about a motorcycle?
Yes it was true because I feel that texting OW was wrong he was doing it on the sly, hiding his phone and he confessed to texting and calling her 4-5 x a day for 6 months before I saw the "Goodnight Babe" text on his phone. If it were a guy about a motor cycle I would not have cared.

He does not like to resolve conflict at all. I like to talk it through. He lets it fester or keeps it inside and therefore some of the issues that came out had been festering since marriage. He said he always thought even before we were married (married 20 years) he would wonder what will she think if I do this, will she get mad? That I feel has nothing to do with me. These are his own issues that he had in his head.

He would say there is no need for conflict resolution, he doesn't want to fight. He would say he will deal with it on his own.

I am trying to work on the trust issues/control issues. I think I asked where he was, why he was late or why he wanted to go out with guy friends was because I was jealous or didn't trust him. I am working on the fact that anyone should be able to go where they want and I shouldn't feel he is going to cheat on me when he is out. This is very hard for me it happened to my mom and I think I have carried it over into my M. I think this is a way I have felt I could control that this didn't happen to me by keeping track of him.

He has always asked to do or buy things, this is not something that I made him do and he is still doing it. Like he asked if it was ok for him to buy a mattress two weeks ago and if he should buy a motorcycle. I said buy whatever you need. How should I handle these questions?

I think I am having a hard time controlling my behavior in this aspect. I have been blown away by this. He was the center of my life and it seems to consume me right now and I know this. I am not normally this way with anything. One thing I have noticed is "he was the center of my life" I needed to do some things on my own and I didn't because I wanted to always do things with him and my son and maybe that is why whenever he went off and did things I would be home jealous or wondering what he was doing and why he couldn't just do things with me and S.

I am working on getting out and doing things on my own and realizing that he could stay with S but in the past it seems like he went and I stayed so he could go. I think I need to be a bit more selfish and take time to do the things that I want to do also without feeling guilty for leaving them.

So to sum it up I will be concentrating on myself and not what he is doing or thinking by using the STOP method that you told me about, trying to GAL with my S because I have him all the time, and working on trust/controlling. This will be hard because he has broken a lot of the trust by telling lies, hiding money, secret accounts, before leaving. How do you get past this?


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
BTW I appreciate everything everyone has told me and is telling me. It is clearly good advice and I am trying to take it all in and apply it. I know it is what I need to do I am must be a slow learner. I am going to get it though. I am going to reread these posts until it is hammered into my head.

Every time I have a week moment or question about what I should be doing 25yearsmlc and everyone else posts to me is what I will read before I react.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
I hope I haven't screwed things up so much that it is too late. I guess better late then never to start though!


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
skh

25 gave you alot to chew on ... sometimes posts like that you have to read... take a walk and think about it .. then read it all again.


Your post ... that sounds better. And trust me, we all come in here desperate and wanting to do anything to fix it ... here is the thing. The M and the issues ... not all your fault, not all your H .. you both played a role, however now .. at this point .. you are in the same spot many of us are in. You are wanting the M and your WAS is not working on it with you ... that is the frustrating part, which is why you have to start using the principles from the book, really start putting them into play ... 90 days from now you will look back and these posts will seems so normal and you will be wondering why it took so much effort to put them into your everyday life.

So .... What GAL's are you wanting to start doing, get off your tush and go do something, something you can sink your teeth into ... I know 25 has a master list of some amazing things she did, its inspiring. Me, I joined a softball team once a week, Football once a week, Spent the past 10 months attending a church class and became Catholic (Something I did for me honestly .. not W) I bought a Harley and enjoy riding eraly in the mornings, Coach my S's baseball team, started cooking again. I am here to tell you without staying crazy busy ... no way would I have grown, no way would I have been able to get out of bed and actually liked the person I see looking back. I am at peace ... my M is still up in the air .. but I am at peace.

Lets start there .. call it homework .. list some things you have wanted to do, wanted to try ... now is the time to start living.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
Thank you Caliguy.

I actually printed off the posts from you and 25 so I can reread every day for right now. Some of it made me feel really bad. Its something I think I needed to hear however.

I am really going to try focusing on myself and see I need to work on my own life. I like to run and I workout daily. I have not done much weightlifting as I have been getting to workout late so no time. The reason for that is because
I have been usually hanging around the house in the morning for H to come pickup S so I can see and talk with H. Would a good 180 be for me not to be there and get out of house before H gets there and go to gym and then I would have more time to incorporate my weightlifting? We had an arrangement that H would get there at 7:30 and I would be gone right before that but I have been staying and waiting for him.

I like to garden so I am going to spend more time this summer doing that.

Cooking is a good idea and I am not good at that and I think I might enjoy grilling.

My S and I are going on vacation by ourselves at the end of May to our cabin. This has always been a family thing and this year I am going to load us up and drive myself. I did ask H if he wanted to come and he said No. I did have good enough sense to leave it at that.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
S
skhdive Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 273
I feel very lucky today that everyone has given me such good advice that I will put to good use. I think I already feel a little stronger from reading the posts everyone has put here.

I am going to mow my yard today, take 25years advice and take a walk with my S and have a glass of wine.

I do have to say that the days where H is working and I don't see him are easier for me then the days H comes to my house and I have to see him. That is when I start obsessing so I need to figure out how to handle that. Any suggestions?

Last edited by skhdive; 05/12/15 05:31 PM.

Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard