Wow I am also having some issues on this. We started are problems 10-14. H moved out 1-28-15. We have made no progress. Sometimes he is nice and we do things together, other times he is very indifferent and I hear nothing from him.
Its very confusing and I am on a rollercoaster of is he coming home or never coming home. I think about it constantly. It is very hard to wait and see because you don't know what is going to happen. Maybe that is where the importance of GAL comes in and you the detaching. It is just very hard to do.
Also I blew it this weekend on Mother's Day as he came over and we all went to zoo (my S10) and he was very distant and I felt very bad and I asked how he thought we were doing since he had been so nice that last two weeks. H said he didn't want to talk about it and nothing had really changed and I shouldn't just spring this stuff on him. He needs time to think about it. Which I was angry because geez he has been moved out for 3 months how do you not know.
I text him later and told him that he needs to do what he needs to do or think about and I wouldn't bother him again about it. No reply back.
DId I blow it? I wish I would have just let it go but I didn't and now I think its too late. I haven't heard a word from him. How do I turn this around??
I know it sounds like I am giving up on my marriage, but in my signature line, I have been trying to work on my marriage since 2010 and I am physically and emotionally drained.
Zues126, yes this has been a long issue for me. No, we are not living in the same house. He moved out 1-31-15 for third time, by my request this time only.
If your H has depression -- it's not going to just "clear up" overnight. And sometimes you can't just spring things on people. What I've found that helped my H when he was in the middle of a depression would be to say, "I would like an opportunity to discuss something related to a, b, c and d. When would be a good time for us to meet and talk? That way he didn't feel bombarded, and he chose the time when he felt most receptive. Perhaps you could try something similar -- but I would advise you, being fresh into this -- to back off a bit and let him discuss things or if you must, bring them up at a time, either in therapy or when he's receptive to it.
I can understand the frustration about not having answers. I had the same thing. I still have it to some extent. Like, hi.....you've been on your own for 8 months and things have gotten worse for you, not better -- can you see that this is not entirely "us" persay? But I keep my mouth shut and keep going.
I read a great article in which an author was going through a separation with her husband. He may have been having a MLC, I don't remember. And friends were asking her how long was she going to wait, how long was she going to allow this to drag out. And her response? She said what was a bad year, being separated for a year if it meant that she would have her marriage for the next 25+ years. She ended up being separated for three years before they reconciled.
Things take time. Take a deep breath. Let it play out.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Wow that is long time. It seems like I am having a problem detaching. I think I am trying to control or reassure myself that he is still around. I find myself trying to figure out what he means and what he is doing.
I read detachment rules. It is hard for me. Every day I have to start over with it but today is the day no going back.
I think you would really benefit from sticking to one thread ... its hard enough to follow people and almost impossible with you cranking up several threads for us to put together timelines and see how your story is unfolding ... just food for thought.
I read a great article in which an author was going through a separation with her husband. He may have been having a MLC, I don't remember. And friends were asking her how long was she going to wait, how long was she going to allow this to drag out. And her response? She said what was a bad year, being separated for a year if it meant that she would have her marriage for the next 25+ years. She ended up being separated for three years before they reconciled.
IF ... and thats a big IF ... my W and I R and figure this thing out .. our separation will be closer to 2 years ... its been 18 months at present.
And yeah, looking big picture because I did have to ask myself that question, we have been together 24 years ... lets say there is a 2 year 'break' (loose term as I still remained married here) maybe we go another 24 years before I meet my maker ... thats 50 years total .. whats 2 of that? 4% ... drop in the bucket really, and I am willing to risk that in order for that last 24 years to be the happy/rewarding/ healthy M that I think it could be, now if I am not convinced after all this that we can get there, then I will let it go, take it for what it was, and move on.
skh I think you would really benefit from sticking to one thread ... its hard enough to follow people and almost impossible with you cranking up several threads for us to put together timelines and see how your story is unfolding ... just food for thought.
AMEN...can we please stay HERE and make this skydive's thread (it is yours, right?) and Not keep jumping around.
No offense but I find myself annoyed that it takes a lot of effort to try and help you.
There are tons of folks here who are Not difficult to follow so that's why I bother saying this.
Stay here and we can try to follow you and give you advice.
Also you MUST read the books that form the basis of this site.
If you are reading Div Busting (or Div Remedy, which is sort of just the 2nd edition of the first book but to me, more helpful)
then let us know.
Otherwise most of what you read here will be useless.
As it is, you seem to gloss over most suggestions and repeat yourself a lot in that nearly all or 90% of your posts are about what your h
is doing OR what he MIGHT be feeling/thinking/planning.
I need to hear about what YOU are doing to show him that marriage to you can be better/different than before.
You said in one of your posts something to the effect of how HE "SHOULD be the one to change or make the effort b/c he's the one with the issues" which is false. there are several reasons that's not correct but for now, I doubt you can really take that all in.
However, He's not here trying to save the marriage; you are.
So You have the "issues" and I can't help but believe that most men don't just leave their happy families or marriage with a son, for "no reason". No walk away spouse returns to a marriage they left
unless they believe
the marriage can be better/different than before.
It's the LBS's job to demonstrate that it can be better/different.
Yes, YOU must change. (And join the club! WE ALL had to adapt to a new life b/c our old marriages passed away. For me that wasn't all bad). The good news is that since you are all you control, you can make this happen.
That's actually wonderful news. You are NOT powerless in this situation.
Can you tell us ANY of the past complaints he's had about the relationship?
Even if you don't believe they are valid (but it's better if you think some are) tell us what HE WOULD SAY if He were here complaining about you...
and we can go from there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow that is long time. It seems like I am having a problem detaching. I think I am trying to control or reassure myself that he is still around. I find myself trying to figure out what he means and what he is doing. Look at my signature and understand a more realistic timeline. My h dropped a bomb FIRST in 12/04 and we sep for the most part late in '05 and more officially in '06...truly began piecing and restoring the marriage a few YEARS later...but now it's over 30 years of marriage and I'm glad I stuck it out (But no I don't "always" feel that way, just mostly and I accept that is as good as it gets for most of us. I'm content with that).
Your timeline is both unrealistic and harmful to your cause. It does reek of impatience and you will need to look hard and dig deep to see if that is a character trait in you that has hurt your m.
The real journey in life is an inward one. We all had to dig deep if we were to overcome this ordeal.
I read detachment rules. It is hard for me. Every day I have to start over with it but today is the day no going back.
Please know that it was hard for ALL of us.
Many here have several children and or are financially dependent on our WAS and thus detachment is even harder. And terrifying at almost a biological level.
None of this is easy for anyone. Yet we do it, or we lose our marriages for good.
And even if we do GAL & detach, we still might not get our spouses back. All we know for sure is that if we do the real work we need to do,
we will invariably become better, more loving people.
For me, that^^ was enough - but I ended up with a lot more.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
