I have been posting in Newcomers but I am off probation.
My H moved out, has now bought a Harley. I think he had an emotional if not physical affair last summer which may or may not be over or I think she ended it and he is still trying to get her or may someone else.
He has been nice to me for two weeks even bringing me coffee and then today he lays it on me that he is going to "bike night" I am not happy about this but what can I do?
Would he normally tell you that he was going out for a bike ride pre-crisis? I would just say "have a nice ride" and leave it at that.
BTW, they do tend to look at us as authority figures, i.e., you are being treated as a mother, so he told mom what he intends to do. Be thankful that he's telling you. Some don't tell us anything and we are walking around in the dark w/flashlights.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Also I blew it this weekend on Mother's Day as he came over and we all went to zoo (my S10) and he was very distant and I felt very bad and I asked how he thought we were doing since he had been so nice that last two weeks. H said he didn't want to talk about it and nothing had really changed and I shouldn't just spring this stuff on him. He needs time to think about it. Which I was angry because geez he has been moved out for 3 months how do you not know.
I text him later and told him that he needs to do what he needs to do or think about and I wouldn't bother him again about it. No reply back.
DId I blow it? I wish I would have just let it go but I didn't and now I think its too late. I haven't heard a word from him. How do I turn this around??
Since you are very new to the forum, I thought I'd drop you a note and let you know that you should stick to one thread at a time and when you have received 100 replies/posts, then create a new thread. Why? Because it is easier for posters to follow your story and it also makes it easier for you to go back and refer to your old threads to see just how far you've come as you continue on the road of MLC Land.
When you post on your other thread, you can go in and change your subject line in the current posting, i.e., just as I have in this posting.
I'm going to reply here, but I will also link this thread on your other one. Okay?
No, you didn't blow it, but you do need to learn patience. Just because he was nice several weeks ago, doesn't mean he's ready to discuss the relationship w/you. MLC takes a very long time and when he said he didn't want to talk about it, well...he's not ready to address the issue.
I would suggest that you not contact him again unless it's an emergency or something to do w/your son. I say leave it alone for now because he will contact you again when he's ready. Patience!
There is no right or wrong way to deal w/crisis people, but there is one thing that we always advise...do not bring up relationship talks because they will push the spouses away quicker than anything else.
For now, continue to move forward, be patient and keep the focus on you and your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your advice. I will not contact him and I will wait for him to contact me.
I am working on the GAL. I have my S every day so what I do needs to include him right now.
Patience is hard for me. I have learned I am an instant fixer and I now know I cannot fix this but must wait. So hard.
Every day is a new day to succeed. Any tips on patience is welcomed and also on detaching. I would like to get a day where I don't think about him all the time. Would like to try to only think about situation once a day?
"Thank you for your advice. I will not contact him and I will wait for him to contact me.
I am working on the GAL. I have my S every day so what I do needs to include him right now.
Patience is hard for me. I have learned I am an instant fixer and I now know I cannot fix this but must wait. So hard.
Every day is a new day to succeed. Any tips on patience is welcomed and also on detaching. I would like to get a day where I don't think about him all the time. Would like to try to only think about situation once a day?"
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Patience is very difficult for many people who post here because many of us are fixers. We want to make things right, but this is one time we can't do that because we weren't involved in their childhoods. What happened is that they are emotionally stunted and they have to go back to that time, face their issues and come to understand that they were not at fault for what happened to them. We were not the authority figures back them because we were children ourselves and now as adults, we can't make it right for them. Yes, we can listen, affirm and validate, but there's nothing we can do but let them go and pray for them. We have been given the opportunity to do things for ourselves at this time. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it really is a time to reflect on ourselves and makes positive changes.
Here is a link to the detaching thread, which is found at the top of the MLC forum. I hope it helps and let's stick to one thread. Okay?
I'm glad job posted to you about sticking to one thread b/c it's impossible to give anyone sound advice without retracing all their postings and figuring out their story--but that's not likely to happen
when so many others are here with their signature lines summarizing their story and easy ways to follow them.
So DO stick to one, and you will get a ton more replies and better advice.
Having said that, here are a few comments on yours below...
Originally Posted By: skhdive
Thank you for your advice. I will not contact him and I will wait for him to contact me. When you truly GAL, it won't feel like you are "waiting" for him - to call or to do anything b/c you'll be too busy in your new, more content & more fulfilled life...
which coincidentally makes you a more attractive, attractING woman
Make sense?
I am working on the GAL. I have my S every day so what I do needs to include him right now. You can hire someone to watch him 1-2 nights a week and Not have him with you during all of your spare time. Even if it's a neighbor with whom you must alternate (if money is really an obstacle to having some free time).
Seriously, you must do this.
Patience is hard for me. I have learned I am an instant fixer and I now know I cannot fix this but must wait. So hard. Yes we know. Read my own time line to see how little time 3 months is.
Plus, here is a KEY POINT you must absorb. And it does Not matter if it is "right"...
No WAS returns to a marriage they left - unless -- the believe
the marriage can be better/different than before.
How are You showing that you are changing, so that the marriage can be better/different than before?
Is it 'Fair" that you must change? I don't know.
I only know you have no control over him -
and we cannot do a thing about him b/c guess what?
He's Not here trying to save the marriage; you are.
Every day is a new day to succeed. Any tips on patience is welcomed and also on detaching. I would like to get a day where I don't think about him all the time. Would like to try to only think about situation once a day?
Then Set that ^^ as a goal. I first began taking serious walks (aka "fury marches") and during those times, the exercise times, I would let myself strategize or pray or obsess
and I did this so I could be more available to my children then. My anger and obsessiveness had prevented me from enjoying them enough and I was so preoccupied all the time with whether h was coming home, what HE was doing or what HE was feeling/planning/thinking....
I must have been boring as hell to listen to.
Eventually exercising became my freedom time and I listened to inspirational stories or happy uplifting music and I looked a lot better and I felt a lot better.
I had to throw myself into GAL to stop obsessing and with a ton of GAL
I became able to Detach.
IMO, You cannot detach/stop obsessing without GAL and GAL needs to involve other people for the most part.
SOME things may remain solo activities like exercise or church but some have to involve meeting new people who don't all know your situation.
Just mandatory.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So is THIS thread here that I've posted on, the "one" -or must we use the link and go there?
Thanks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry but I'm lost as to which thread is now Skydive's.
(Hence the need to only use one thread)
and I didn't find the original post
so I don't know ages of either party or how long this has been going on (3 months?)
or her son's age, or length of marriage, issues raised, ETC.
Also I Posted on another thread of hers, which I assumed was now the "real one"
so can anyone steer this some? Can we choose to stay in one place? Would this be the one?
Yikes
THANKS for the help.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
