Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. I've been away for a while and thought it was time for a new thread. My last thread can be found here:

Nuggets

Just rambling:

I think I'm doing better these days. I don't let garbage from XW bother me so much anymore.

I recently got a decent raise at work. I've been here 10 months and have already received two raises. I just wish I could save. Still living paycheck to paycheck.

I visited a therapist twice last month. I just have a hard time talking to a stranger face to face about my "stuff." I'm not sure if I'm going to go back.

My little rattie is still alive....just very very feeble. I'm ashamed to admit this but I've actually cried/grieved for her more than I did for my own mom. THAT is sad. Very sad. Again, I'm not proud of that.

I still have a relationship with my "friend" at work....but we are just friends. I'm fine with it.

S22 had another show last night. XW missed it again. She has missed 2 in a row now after telling him that she will attend every one.

I've lost a lot of weight. Maybe too much. I gave up soda and started drinking water in order to lose weight, but it seems too easy. I've lost it very fast. I've lost 3-4 inches off my waist just since about February. I suspect I might be diabetic.

I've noticed I've become very superstitious. (sp?) I've always been a little, but seem to be worse lately when it comes to black cats...broken mirrors....

UrWorthy, I sent a friend request to you on the DB FB page.

Overall, I do believe (hope) that I am pretty much done with the XW stuff. If I'm not done, I'm getting better because things just don't bother me as much as they used to.

For some reason, I notice that I appreciate the "little things" a bit more than I used to: talks with my boys, the rain, a bird singing, a passing butterfly. I'm really starting to fall in love with nature. I'm not sure why. The old me could care less. As I've said before, I think maybe I am going through some type of change....I don't know. I'm just different in so many ways.

I seem to have more compassion for people and animals. (Mostly animals)

I've decided that if I can save a little money, I'm going to travel to Northern Arizona in the late summer. They have cabins up there that are actually built up in the trees like a tree house. I want to go just to get away from everything and everybody and maybe enjoy a little solitude and nature. I need it. I'd really like to take the boys, but to be honest, I just need some me time.

S29 is thinking about marrying his girlfriend. I hope he doesn't rush it.

After being smoke free for just over three months, I've started smoking again. I'm still trying to quit, but I've had a lot of slips...

I haven't heard from my only living brother in over a year. His daughter hasn't heard from him since December. She has told me though that he is back on drugs. Drugs are what did my little brother in. He was on Heroine the night he killed himself. I really do have a feeling that I may never see him again.

I would really like to start dating again, but there are some days that I want no part of it. It would just be nice to have someone to share things with or to confide in. On the other hand, I'm almost glad that I'm single. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Now if I just had a little more money....

Mostly, my days are good but....there are days that are bad...really really bad. Probably 80-90 percent of them though are due to my rat getting old. NOT because of XW.

Sometimes, right out of the blue, I'll ask myself if this is how I want my life to be/continue. The answer is no, but I don't really know what to do about it.

I'm slowly getting out more but still not as much as I should.

Realized yesterday that this coming August 30th would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. THIRTY FRICKIN YEARS! And....it still baffles me how someone can just throw that away and erase it.

My eyesight is declining. I got a new pair of glasses with bifocals last month and they have helped a little. Sometimes though I really find myself squinting and struggling to see things on my computer screen. It is starting to affect my work. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I sit in the dark all night at work.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I don't think any of my boys are visiting XW. I shouldn't, but I feel bad. They've already made plans for me for Father's Day. We are all planning on going bowling and maybe a barbecue later in the day.

My boys are visiting and communicating with XW less and less. My oldest son was at her house on Christmas and Easter. My youngest was there on Christmas. The two middle ones have NEVER been to her house or even met her husband. She continues to push them, but not as much as before.

I wanted to have my own place by August, but I don't think I'm going to be ready. I know the boys aren't ready.

Someone asked me the other day if I'll ever get married again. Honestly, I don't know. If I did, she would have to be someone very special that totally knocks me off my feet. I will tell you this: I will NEVER let another woman ever ever hurt me the way XW did. It's kind of sad though because I have to wonder if I will ever be able to let my guard down again. I guess I'm jaded.

I've received two different offers in three months to get back on the radio. I turned them both down. I just can't do it anymore. I had a 23-year career....an amazing career, but I can't. I have no desire to be a celebrity anymore. In fact, if I could, I'd move very very far away where nobody would know me. I guess I'm a little more introverted than I used to be.

I feel bad for my boys because I'm starting to see how this MLC/divorce stuff has affected them. Things could have and would have been so much different/better for them if we had stayed together.

Everyone always talks about the changes an MLCer goes through. I can honestly tell you that I have changed too. There is no way that I'm the same person I used to be. I truly believe that a spouse's MLC changes the LBS just as much if not more than the MLCers themselves. Has anyone else noticed changes in themselves once all the garbage has settled down?

XW's sister is now divorcing her third husband after ten years. I can't really say that this surprises me.

My anxiety seems to be worse when I have it, but I'm not having it as often. I guess that's the trade off. I'm still dreaming of plane crashes though.

I still feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. It's like I'm watching a movie. And my old life seems so very, very far away. I remember things and it seems so long ago...almost like a different lifetime.

Anyways, that's my latest. Just wanted to give an update since it has been a while. Overall, things are getting better.

Time. Time is a good thing...

Tad

[AJM]

Sometimes Tad, I wonder who really had the crisis during this mid-life transition

Glad to hear from you and glad things are going relatively well. Sounds like mid-life is catching up. Eyesight, health, etc.

Can I suggest you keep going to the IC and commit to going at least for a total of 6 times? It's known that it takes at least 5 before you get to the point of trust and really get to the effective stage of the relationship.

Glad the job is going well. Sounds like you enjoy it and I'm sure it'll work out just fine over time. Two raises? Nicely done.

AJ

[kml]

Tad -
first of all, what are you currently doing to treat your depression? Make no mistake, this IS depression, and you need help to heal your brain from its biological effects. Are you taking any medications or supplements to treat depression? What is your diet like? Levels of vitamin D, thyroid, testosterone?

Second, you commented on losing weight and wondering about diabetes. If you have diabetes serious enough to be causing weight loss, there should be sugar in your urine. If you won't or can't go to the doctor, at least go to the drug store and buy some urine test strips that check for glucose and ketones.

(And congrats on kicking the soda habit, it's terrible for you, and might actually be the thing that is allowing you to lose weight now).

Also look at a book by...

AS for living paycheck to paycheck, look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on controlling your costs.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you AJ and KML.

Sometimes Tad, I wonder who really had the crisis during this mid-life transition.

Me too brother. Me too. I've changed so much. Some for the good and some for the bad.

Can I suggest you keep going to the IC and commit to going at least for a total of 6 times?

I will consider it. No promises, but I'll consider it.

Make no mistake, this IS depression, and you need help to heal your brain from its biological effects. Are you taking any medications or supplements to treat depression? What is your diet like? Levels of vitamin D, thyroid, testosterone?

I don't eat as well as I should. I have no idea what any of my levels are, but I'm trying to get in to see a doctor later this week or next. I've been reading a lot about depression and it too can cause weight loss. I don't mind the weight loss, it just seems fairly drastic this time around. I know that I have been pretty upset about my rattie getting old. She has literally been my best friend for the past 2 and a half years. Her sister was too and she passed away in December. (Silly, I know.) Not silly to me though. As for meds, I was on them for about a year after this all started. I weaned myself off of them because I didn't want to be dependent on them and because my brother was on them when he committed suicide. I just didn't like being on them but.....I may just have to face facts and get back on them. I'll see what the doctor says. I just don't want to be on them all my life. Thought I was past all of this mess.



I will check out the book you suggested. I've visited the website you mentioned. Good stuff there.

Thanks for responding.

Tad

[MrBond]

Tad,

Don't give up on the C. Sounds like you're still having trust issues. And your W's MLC just triggered your own MLC. That's why you've changed. Your resentment towards your XW is still very strong. You still analyze and criticize everything she does. Even nice actions. Let it go. They are like chains that are holding you down.

Just take it one day at a time my friend.

[Mighty]

Hi tad. I agree w bond. And I think I was sent into a bit of crisis myself. I hope you try very hard, tad to keep making choice to help you. I know it's a kind, arduous, sometimes seemingly endless road, but I know in my heart that a time will come when it pays off. When the journey... The path we are on... Will open up. And it will be a wide-open road. A good one. A joy ride.

Get through this, tad... And we and take on whatever come. But, we have to get through it. The only way is to do the work. I have no intention of staying in this hell forever. So even if I don't feel like or think somethin is working or productive, I know I have to a least give it a fair shot. And... Try other things. New things. Sitting still did me no good. I think I needed it for awhile. But... The more I move along... The more momentum I gain.

Granted... I still have a long ways to go & lots to deal with. But... A lot I know has fallen to the wayside. And there are honest moments of happiness. So, I know they are not unobtainable. And it helps give little glimmers of what I want in my life. What it can look like. And... What I don't want.

I'm not saying this to be about me, tad. But honestly, it breaks my heart to know someone is struggling with.... This. It pains me- personally, bc I get it. But you can do this, tad. You just have to do it. Take the steps.

Keep you head up, tad.

[Mighty]

iphone typing is not always great... *kind* is not the adjective I meant.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the nice words Mighty and MrBond. While I don't consider myself to be in a MLC, I would say that maybe I'm having a "transition" or MLT. I know I have changed in this mess and like I said, some changes were good and some were not so good.

I do know this:

They say MLC is triggered by an "event" or "events." I know for a fact:

"Events" triggered my XW's MLC.
Her MLC or "event" triggered something in me.

You are right MrBond. I still do resent her. I need to let go of that, but it is so damn hard. And....I know in my heart that forgiveness is the only way, but I'm still far from that. To me, forgiveness comes off as saying "Hey, no biggie. It's ok."

My biggest fear right now is being alone. My boys will be marrying someone someday and have their own lives. Me? Where will I be?

Alone.

I know what I want but.....can't see it.

Tad

[MrBond]

""Events" triggered my XW's MLC.
Her MLC or "event" triggered something in me."

It triggered your own MLC. I don't know if you realize it, but you've been in your own "crisis" for a long time.

"You are right MrBond. I still do resent her. I need to let go of that, but it is so damn hard. And....I know in my heart that forgiveness is the only way, but I'm still far from that. To me, forgiveness comes off as saying "Hey, no biggie. It's ok."

That's not what it means. For you, though, you're still wanting for her to suffer. To burn in h*ll. To suffer some agonizing, painful trauma that equals to what you believe you felt. Problem is that if she were to suffer something that bad, would you really be proud of it in the end? If she were paralyzed in a wheelchair, would you be dancing around her, pointing your finger and her and laughing? Would you be celebrating the fact that it's something that she 'deserved?

"My biggest fear right now is being alone. My boys will be marrying someone someday and have their own lives. Me? Where will I be?"

Alone. You got that right.

You will be alone unless you do something about it. You can't see it because you haven't taken the steps to do something about it.

[sunshinelewis]

All due respect Mr. Bond, what is one suppose to do to
NOT be alone? I go out with friends to eat, to Church, I mingle but all in all today is a electronic world. Everything seems yo be done on the internet.
People don't mingle as much in person. I don't feel like I should have to access the web to find a mate, just not me.
I hate when people make the comment....you need to date, find someone...lol yes it's not that easy greasy.
Being alone is not fun Tad. My son as u know has his own life and it gets pretty lonely at times. I try to keep busy and not think about it.
Only thing we'd can do is surround ourselves with friends, have confidence in ourselves, hold our heads up high and be the person we want to be. Nothing more attractive than a great personality full of confidence in ones self .


Hugs

[MrBond]

No one says you have to date. Or that you need anyone in general. There are lots of times I prefer to be alone. But if someone says they feel alone but don't actually interact with people, then there's nothing really they can do.

For Tad, alot of it is based on his past family history. There are times that he may be afraid to get too close to someone with the fear of losing that person. Unfortunately that's life. But not everyone will hurt you. Sometimes you have to go through the whole barrel of fakes to find something real.

Confidence isn't going to come overnight. Just little interactions here and there. CONSTANT interactions. Good or bad. That will help build self confidence.

[tadpole1025]

For Tad, alot of it is based on his past family history. There are times that he may be afraid to get too close to someone with the fear of losing that person.

That ^ is the truth. All of my life, not counting deaths, I've either had someone taken from me or I've been taken from them. I don't think people realize what divorce does to the kids. Me? My parents divorced when I was very young. I was three years old and because of it, I spent my whole childhood in the middle of custody battles....living with my mom, living with my dad, living with my grandparents....being moved to California, back to Arizona, back to California, moved to Germany, back to California....that was my entire childhood. Nothing really stable at all. My family history [censored] and I never realized it until these past few years. So yes, MrBond is right. I'm afraid to get close to anyone or anything. (Although I really bonded with my pet rats and its probably because I knew deep down that they weren't going to hurt me and would love me unconditionally.)

Just checking in to journal:

My S23's band had another performance on Saturday night. XW was there and I have to say that I was shocked to see how old she looks. She used to look amazing, but when I saw her at the show, I did a double take. It looks like she has aged atleast 10 years since I saw her last. I haven't seen her since January. She used to have the most beautiful dark hair. Now, it is gone. She cut it all off.

I also realized earlier today that I haven't spoken to her or even exchanged text messages in over a year. Wow.

At the show, she kept hanging around "my crowd" as if she wanted to fit in or say something. She was standing two feet from me at one point. I still have not even acknowledged her. If she wants to talk, she gets to make the first move. Not me. It is better that way. FOR ME.

The weird thing is: I had an amazing time at the show...had a woman flirting with me, the band put on one of their best shows, had a great conversation with my ex bil, got to see my beautiful niece and talk to her but....when I woke up Sunday morning, I felt blah. I felt like there was a giant cloud over my head. I couldn't shake it until I got to work Sunday night. It was like the depression started all over again. Weird.

My rattie is still hanging on. I feel so bad for her though. She sticks to me like glue when she is out of her cage and only wants to cuddle. I love that little girl so much and probably got too attached. Now...I have to deal with the loss when the time comes. They say you are lucky to have one live 2 years. I had one last 2 years and 1 month and the one that is left has made it to 2 years and 7 months. I know her time is close and it weighs on my mind almost constantly. That's all I think about. There are times that I won't even go out unless I spend time with her first. Is that sad? Pathetic? I'm just trying to spend as much time with her as I can.

Just wanted to vent a little and give a quick update.

Take care.

Tad

[MrBond]

Thanks for the update Tad. A lifetime of depression won't disappear overnight. The night at the concert was a great step forward. Keep that momentum going and you won't be waking up with those clouds any more.

[uRworthy]

You know, Tad, you feel what you feel. So, you love your pet a lot. You feel badly that she isnt doing well. You dont have to question it.

Given your childhood, I understand why you are afraid to get attached to people. But thats not really a way to live, right?

I kind of get the feeling that after you go out or something, you are expecting this uplifting of sorts. It doesnt quite work that way.

You have to push yourself some, T. Force yourself to get out there even when you dont feel like it. The more you are around people, the more chance you have of feeling better and better.

You are in control of you. Make some decisions to consistently push yourself. Keep trying, Tad. You never know whats out there.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks uR and Mrbond.

You have to push yourself some, T. Force yourself to get out there even when you dont feel like it. The more you are around people, the more chance you have of feeling better and better.

Yes I do and I feel a lot better when I do get out of the house. A week ago I gave S24 a ride to the mall. Just going to the mall was nice! But like I said, I'm almost afraid to go out while my rattie is so weak. Believe it or not, I was the same way when I was a kid about my grandmother. When I was staying with my grandparents, I always hated leaving my grandmother alone when my grandfather would take me fishing. Why am I that way? I have no idea.....

Keep that momentum going and you won't be waking up with those clouds any more.

Thanks. Yes, I do feel better the more I do, but when I do have those cloudy days, it is almost overwhelming. They are really cloudy like this past Sunday. It was a bad one.

Thanks for the responses.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just journaling:

Had a bad day today. I know this is a divorce/MLC forum, but this board is really my only outlet.

My rat is still hanging on although now I believe that she is completely blind. I feel so bad for her. I have a friend that has a cousin who is a vet. I could probably have her put to sleep, but I've heard horror stories how it is done and it isn't very humane. I don't want her to be put down that way. She was also born in my apartment and has never been in a car. I'm afraid that a car ride would stress her out too much.

I'm very, very down/sad. I just don't know what to do.

I ask God everyday to take her peacefully, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen...

Tad

[uRworthy]

Hi Tad. Im so sorry you are struggling, sweetie.

Do what you think is the most loving thing you can for your pet. Maybe make some calls to the humane society or aspca. I cant imagine that how they handle it would be inhumane.

Hang in there, T.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks uR.

I believe she is pretty close now.

[tadpole1025]

My little rat passed away today.

So sad/heartbroken. Will post again soon.

[Wonka]

(((Tad)))

I'm so sorry about your rattie.

[job]

Tsd,
I'm so sorry that your rattie passed away. The time was very close and you've been a good "parent" to the little one and were there when your rattie need you the most. Take some time to mourn your loss, but know that both ratties are now watching over you from across the Rainbow Bridge.

[LouR]

T - I am so sad to hear your news.

((HUGS)) to you

[uRworthy]

So sorry, sweetie. She is at peace now. It will be ok, my friend. It will just take a little time.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

I'm not good. Not good at all.

So sad. On the verge of tears almost all the time. Almost everything has now been taken from me. So much lost. So much death.

I had so much in my head when I sat down to write this, but don't even know how to start or put it into words. Can't even remember it all.

Both of my rats are now gone.

They were probably a bigger part of my life than they should have been. But...they were all I had. They were my BEST friends. They were really my ONLY friends.

I'm so, so tired. And so done.

Last night, I wanted to sit in the shower with the lights out like I used to right after XW left. Her MLC really did a number on me I'm afraid. Messed me up.

Five years ago, the rat thing wouldn't have even bothered me. Now, I'm just sad. So very sad.

People have told me that I should get more rats or a dog. I honestly don't think it would be healthy for me to ever have a pet again. I would love to get more, but I don't want to go through this every two years. I'm done with the sadness. That's all my life has been for the past 5 years. One thing after another.

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

I'll post more later.

[beatrice]

Tad, I am really sorry for your loss.

Maybe this isn't the time to comment, but you posted

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

This thinking will not help them at all. I know you love your boys - I have sons who are now adult who have lived through this, with great sadness and are now thriving. I would say they are strengthened by it.

It really is how we choose to respond to these blows. They are watching your example, your courage, your response. Please be an example to them of someone who can face and overcome. It isn't easy, but with support from here and therapy you can change how you view the world and what it throws at you. And if you can, they will see they can too.

You can break the cycle and be free.

[Wonka]

Tad,

I am sorry that you are feeling utterly lost right now after losing your ratties. Mourn them. Then honor them. Then be happy.

I too lost two dogs to cancer and I have decided not to get them for a while. That was good because it freed me up to go out more often as I did not have the obligation to go home at a certain time to feed them or worry about them if I had to be away for some length of time.

I had so much freedom and I made the most out of it. Met many friends, traveled, and experienced many cool things.

Last night, I wanted to sit in the shower with the lights out like I used to right after XW left. Her MLC really did a number on me I'm afraid. Messed me up.

Wow. It is still about how she did this to you many, many years. You're giving XW waay too much power over your life. That's no fun at all.

You are the director of your own life. You are the prop person, you are the casting director, you are the makeup person, you are the stage manager.

You live in Arizona, right? Get out and join some fun, cool clubs....hiking club, birdwatching club, whatever strikes your imagination.

I have a family member who has never been married and recently retired not too long ago. She keeps herself busy by volunteering at the local food pantry two times a month, participates in a specialized craft club that meets weekly, and tries to meet up with friends for lunch/dinner at least once a week. Recently went on a art tour at one particularly noteworthy landmark with a friend.

My point is: you NEED to be around other people. It is only done through putting yourself out there. Things don't just fall in your lap.

People won't know you if you continue to stay locked up inside your apartment all the time.

In fact, I am now planning to join a group of friends at a camping event to celebrate a friend who is a 4th of July baby. Blow out fun! How I met them...through one friend, then became friends with others in the same circle. My point being this: my life is rich because I pushed forward and put myself OUT there. Hey, I didn't get rolled over like Gromit so I must being doing something right.

I feel so bad for my boys because they have lost everything too. Maybe we are cursed.

This is a false narrative. If I were to sit down and have a chat with them, I would probably think they're living full lives with their music, friends, work, etc.

Nobody is cursed. There's no such thing. It is all in your head.

All I have to point Rose Kennedy as a shining example. She faced tremendous losses in her life and she still forged ahead with that bright, retina-searing Kennedy smile right into her ripe old age.

[Mighty]

Hi Tad! I'm sorry about your rattie.

I agree with bea. I do think you can break this idea and be a guiding light for your boys.

I also agree with Wonka. It was a great post. I know, though, that it can be difficult to p/u those ideas of GAL. I know sometimes, it made me upset... like.... I don't want to do those things! But, that's not the point. The point is, there are so many things to do! You just need to find what fits you, Tad.

I have been in some low places. But, I'm worried, Tad. I want to see some motivation from you to make things better.

And the bottom line is... no one is going to do it for you.

You have to do it! Just like Wonka said, you are the director of your own life.

I know I felt that I was kind-of... waiting... for someone... something... I don't know... to make it better???!!!!

It's not gonna happen.

You can do it! You just have to FORCE yourself to do the hard work. Have you called to talk with anyone? It took me over a year and a few people before I found the right one. Just because it didn't work the first couple of times... I knew there was more out there. So, don't give up!

You can find the right one, too. Now, I don't think about things when I'm invited. I'd think of reasons of why not... now I just do. It took a lot of work and some time to get here. But now, I'm loving it!

Tad, seriously.. I have been in dark places. I can relate to many of your posts, but it is up to you to free yourself from it. Forget the beast of burden. Beat it. Forget about xw. She will not get you out of this. You may feel she put you here, but who will get you out? You.

Do it. I know you can! I can't wait to see it. One foot in front of the other. It takes time, patience, work... but it's worth it. No doubt.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Bea, Wonka and Mighty.

I get what you are all saying....I really do. I'm just in a very dark and lonely place right now.

You're right Wonka. It isn't all XW's fault. It just seems like it snowballed from there.

Lost my marriage and best friend.
Lost my career.
Lost my house and car.
Lost two dogs and a cat.
Lost 2 colleagues to suicide.
Lost my X FIL.
Lost my mom.
Lost every relationship I had with XW's family.
Lost my brother to suicide 1 year before XW's MLC.
Lost my rats.
My only other brother is addicted to drugs and I haven't seen or heard from him since 4/2014.....nobody has.

Found out today that my dad was hospitalized and isn't doing too well.

When my rat died, she was resting on my chest. She went to scratch her side and then her other side. Then she cocked her head to look at me, opened her mouth and that was it. Just like that. Thirty minutes before she was drinking water, eating a grape and licking yogurt off of my finger.

Death is kind of funny. Funny in how it just occurs and just freezes the person/thing dying in time. My brother died with a smile on his face.

I don't have any friends or activities outside of work.

I'm about to reach a point...

I'm getting where I just don't give a sh!t about anything anymore.

I have no family left and I have no friends.

Therapists? I've been to three. Haven't found one that I like yet. My rats were the best therapy.

I work, sleep and eat. I don't even have my rats anymore. I rarely do anything outside of my apartment. I'd like to do some things, but can't really find anything that interests me. Nothing does. I'm just blah.

When my rattie died, it was more rough than I thought it would be. It hurt. A lot.

On the news, I saw that somebody abandoned hundreds of domesticated rats in a park here in Arizona. Rat rescues are stepping in and capturing them and trying to find homes for them. I want to help so bad, but am afraid of getting attached again. I feel guilty about that too because I'm putting my feelings first instead of helping....

I'm so afraid of getting attached to anything because I fear it'll just be taken away...It is sad, but true. My whole life has been having things taken away. In the last five years, it has multiplied.

I don't know where to go from here. Nothing interests me anymore. I have no motivation or desire for anything...

[LouR]

Hi Tad, wow, that is quite a list .... and I am sure there are a lot of us in the world that can identify with it - I for one.

I really get how you feel, I have been there; the darkness that fills every space of your body and life, it can so easily consume you and take you into its depths, to make you ask the question "what is the point".

Tad - its about changing your mindset, making the decision to not let this crapola that you have been served up rule you any longer. I know it's hard to find the enthusiasm to take the first step, but believe me my friend, once you take the first move, the second is easier and so it goes on.

I like you have lost my life as I knew it - if you told me 18 mths ago that I would be alone, a cleaner in a budget supermarket to make rent, family all but gone, husband and best friend gone, money gone, home gone - I would have laughed and said "nah, not possible" yet here I am - but I listened to the peeps here, I went out and met people, yep me, all alone walking into a room of people I did not know, going to a party where I only knew the birthday girl, flying across the world on my own - I did it, I met people, I made new friends, I experienced new things ...I am rebuilding my life. I have made this my "year of yes" - to be brave and do things I would have never done pre bd. My life is moving forward once more, I smile again, I laugh again and I see a future for myself -

It is possible, you can do it - YOU can do it - just take the first step ...... Dont let this darkness win, you are deserve so much more.

((hugs))

[Sotto]

Tad, I'm so sorry for your losses. I just read Man's search for meaning by Frankl. A holocaust survivor, he said that we may still find meaning in life when faced with a hopeless situation. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. It sounds as though you need to find new meaning in your life.

From your post above, you are focusing on all the losses in your life, of which there have been many and my heart goes out to you. I suffered many losses after BD. Husband, house, stepson, job, pets, way of life. But we are where we are. And there are new joys and meaning to be found in life.

Perhaps you could start making baby steps forward towards this? Are there some mini goals that may start to move in that direction? Keep posting Tad. Things may seem dark right now, but they truly will get better.

((((Tad))))

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Lou and Toots.

I'm still getting over the loss of my little rat. I miss her so much. Yesterday, was a little rough because it was the first day back to work after my weekend and since she died. Usually when I would get home from work, her cage would be my first stop after getting home just to check on her and tell her good morning. Now, her cage is empty. I still have her cage because I haven't decided if I want to get anymore or not. I really want to, but it makes me so sad when they get old or sick. I'm going to think about it for a few days. I really want to get a small dog because they live longer, but I don't have the room for one right now. I kind of want to wait until I get my own place and I have no idea when that will be.

I took her to get cremated and should have her remains back next week. I'll put them on my nightstand next to her sister.

I started training this week for a promotion. They want to make me a team leader and troubleshooter. Of course when that happens, that will come with another raise. I've already had two raises and have only been here 11 months. I really like this company a lot. It is a major satellite tv company and they treat me really well.

I'm starting to have slight feelings for my friend here at work, but I don't think she feels the same. We still have amazing conversations and she goes out of her way to talk to me. Others have noticed it too. She's really cool.

I had a very interesting conversation with S20 the other night. He initiated it. He really opened up about a few things. He told me that XW rarely contacts him and his brothers nowadays. Just a few months ago, she would contact them everyday. Yesterday marks 2 years since she married OM. It didn't even bother me though. He also told me that he feels sorry for her and he thinks that she doesn't even care about S22's band. He thinks she just goes to his shows so she doesn't look bad. He seems to be starting to realize a few things.

It is supposed to be 110 here in Phoenix this week. I plan on hitting the pool this weekend.

I am doing better as far as XW. I think I'm doing A LOT better. I still think about her, but it really doesn't hurt when I do. Maybe I'm becoming indifferent.

I'm a little better as far as my rattie goes, but I sure do miss the little girl. I spent so much time with her. I actually think she waited on me to get her out of her cage before she died. She died while sitting on my chest and turned to look at me when she passed. The funny thing is, a few minutes after she passed, I stepped outside to cry a little and have a cigarette. I was standing on my porch when a bird landed on the grass about 5-6 feet in front of me. It looked right at me and started chirping really loud and spreading and flapping it's wings like it was trying to tell me something for about 30 seconds or so and then it just flew away. It was almost like it was telling me she was ok. Not sure if I believe that, but it was odd and I'll never forget it.

Anyways, just wanted to update.

[tadpole1025]

Journaling:

Nothing really going on with me. I'm switching hours in a couple of weeks. Instead of working 10pm-8am, I'll be working 2pm-midnight. I think I'll like the change.

Yesterday, S24 says to me: "I got a strange text from mother earlier." I asked him what it said and he says: "I know you don't like these texts, but I just wanted to say I love you." I asked why she would think that he didn't like the texts and he said he didn't know. He then tells me that he thinks that maybe she is starting to realize a few things. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, it doesn't affect me.

I'm torn. I'm seriously thinking about getting a couple more baby girl rats. I'm going to think about it for a few days...

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

I am a bit concerned for you if you DO decide to get baby ratties. The reason is that it will just keep you emotionally and physically stuck in your apartment without getting out to meet new people/experiences.

I'd strongly suggest that you hit the pause button on getting any more ratties. I have hit my own pause button in getting new puppies/dogs because I wanted unlimited freedom to grab life by the horns unencumbered by responsibilities in caring for the puppy/dog.

Down the road I still plan on getting a puppy/dog. Right now, I love sampling what life has to offer me.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka. I will give it a lot of thought. Some people say I should and others say I shouldn't.

I had one of the best Fathers Days I've had in a long time. S24 had to work, but the other three took me bowling and out to lunch. Haven't had a good one since XW joined the circus.

It was fun and nice to get out of the house for a while.

Tad

[Mighty]

So glad to hear it, Tad. Best news I've heard all night! Keep momentum!

Happy Father's Day!

[job]

Tad,
I'm so glad your sons took you out for the day. I hope that you and your sons can do this again very soon. You need to be out and about and enjoying what life has to offer. This was a step in the right direction!

[MrBond]

Tad,

I'm glad to hear that things turned out well on Father's Day.

I agree with wonka that I don't think you should get another rat for the time being. To be honest, they are a crutch for you and hinders your interactions with others. To you, they represent something that you can control. You know what to do, where they are, how long they'll live, etc. And that's a poor substitute with human interaction.

You're still concentrating on your friend at work who has already told you she is not interested. It's time to move on from her. Start going out and socializing. Go out with your other co-workers or peers. Start getting a life.

I hope you're still seeing a C. Now is when I think is the most critical time for it.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I just wanted to journal a bit, but first, MrBond:

I agree with wonka that I don't think you should get another rat for the time being. To be honest, they are a crutch for you and hinders your interactions with others. To you, they represent something that you can control. You know what to do, where they are, how long they'll live, etc.

Very true sir. They also represent something that will love me unconditionally and won't hurt me. I sure do miss the little girls though. As of right now, I don't plan on getting any more. But then again, I can't make up my mind about anything these days. I'll walk into a convenience store to get something to drink and spend an eternity trying to figure out what I want. Even my boys have noticed. Someone told me recently that I may have a slight case of PTSD. I'm very emotional when I see something sad and am very indecisive. On the other hand, there are some things that I'm just completely numb about.

I'll agree with what you said about my friend at work. I'm ok with being just friends with her. We still have some great conversations and she has been sharing a lot more with me. She has also been hurt very bad in the past.

Counselor? I saw one off and on a while back. I just don't feel comfortable. I may try going back again.

Journaling:

I'm doing much better as far as XW is concerned. Things still bother me from time to time, but I'm doing so much better. I've seen her a few times lately at S22's shows, but that's it. She acts like she wants to say hello (although she hasn't) and I can pretty much care less. I really don't care if we ever talk again. Maybe that is wrong of me? I don't know.

I'm doing better as far as my little ratties are concerned. I sure do miss them though and think of them everyday. I can't put into words what I felt for them. They were my babies. I have them both tattooed on my arm and have their remains on my nightstand. I know. Ridiculous right? Five years ago, I would have never believed it if somebody would have told me that I would be that way towards two little rats. But....I've changed. I've changed a lot towards animals AND people. Example: last night while getting out of my car at work, I stumbled across a smashed bug. I think it was a cockroach. What did I do? I felt bad for it. Yeah, a bug.

In early June, I got a new pair of glasses because my eyes have been really bothering me. Well, last week I went back and had them checked again. It turns out that I need another pair. I should get the new prescription next week. The doctor seems to think it could be because I work in the dark.

I feel so old. And look old too. I kind of had a weird conversation with S22 the other day. We were out to dinner. When the bill came, I was getting out my debit card and figuring out the tip. I must have been fumbling or taking too long because he says:

S22: "Look at you." (Giggling a little, but I could tell he was serious.)

Me: "What?"

S22: "You're falling apart."

Me: "What do you mean?"

S22: "You're falling apart. You're a mess. You seem so much older than what you are."

Me: "I know. I feel like I've aged 10 or 15 years just in the last five."

S22: "It's bad though. Just in the last year it's gotten really bad."

Me: "I know."

S22: "It's kind of depressing."

So, I guess I'm not the only one that has noticed.

My big thing that I've been REALLY struggling with lately is getting out of the house. I have no problem going out with my boys, but can't seem to do anything with myself or for myself. Since this all started, I've had a hard time getting out and doing things, but just in the last month or so, around the time when my rattie got really feeble, it has been really bad. When I start my work week, I tell myself "I'm going to do something this weekend." Then, the turmoil starts. I fight with myself. As it gets closer to my weekend, it gets worse. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care what it is....I just need to do something. It is almost a desperate need to get out, but I come up with excuses not to. Then when the weekend is over, and I haven't done anything, I'm almost disappointed and even p!ssed with myself for not doing anything. Then, I go back to work and the week-long fight starts all over again. Last weekend, I thought of seven different things that I could do. I then came up with seven excuses not to do anything. I think if I could just get out one time....just ONCE, it would be so good for me. I would like to meet people and maybe even a lady, but I'm scared. I have no confidence at all and I'm scared. I guess I'll keep trying. I'm going to try again this weekend. Wish me luck.....

Tad

[Sotto]

Hi Tad, I'm a good one for - shall I do this, or that - oh, but then there's this factor and that factor, and Oh I'm not sure. And I get so indecisive I end up doing nothing.

I have decided that sometimes you just have to decide - okay, I don't really feel like it but I'll do this. And go do it. Life doesn't come knocking on your door, you need to go knocking on life's door I've realised...

Maybe just start off with something of shortish duration and low key that feels manageable and take it from there. Success breeds a little more confidence and so on...

Are there things you have previously enjoyed that you haven't done lately??

[Wonka]

Tad,

You might want to check out this book by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Excuses Begone! through either Hay House or at Barnes Noble bookstore. This book will help you with your mental blockages.

[LouR]

Hi Tad

Awwww, I really do feel for you, you have got yourself in to a vicious circle and I think you are aware that only YOU can break it.

Its easy for us to say "just go do something, anything, the first time will be hard but it will get easier" some of us have been where you are now. But that is us and you are you. What you are feeling is genuine and valid.

Reconditioning your thought process takes determination, it takes willpower to make yourself see things differently. We can suggest things for you to do and try but only YOU can choose to make the steps necessary to change your life - and it will be a change for the better, you know that.

Your s seems genuinely concerned for you - why not enlist his help with this. Ask him to go to/do one of the 7 things you thought about, make it less scary by doing it with someone you know and trust. That way it takes the fear factor level down a notch or two. You will hopefully see that there was nothing to fear, that is was ok and you can do it again on your own.

Tad, I feared going on out my own, doing new things, meeting new people - I felt sick with nerves, even drove to a few places, sat in the car park and then drove home cross with myself that I just missed out on something I really wanted to do through fear. So I broke it down - go for 15 minutes, if I don't feel comfortable then I can leave, but I have to stay at least 15 minutes - I am much more confident going to things now or trying something new (in the beginning the fear of looking at idiot held me back, what would other people think) I still have the 15 minute rule, but now I have new friends so I don't go to or do many things alone now - but I know I will be just fine and most likely enjoy myself if I do.

You come across as a really nice guy Tad, don't let the world miss out on having you in it and you miss out on the world.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka, Toots and Lou.

Everything seems so much easier saying them than doing them. My weekend is over and.....

I failed.

I get three days off every week.

Day 1: I had planned to head to the local bar. Not to drink, but just to socialize a little bit. Shaved and put some nice clothes on. Thats as far as I got...no motivation.

Day 2: Had planned on going down to the pool in the evening just to chill and get out. Got my swimming trunks on....and thats as far as I made it.

Day 3: I was going to take a "party bus" to northern Arizona and to check out one of the new casinos up there. I EVEN MADE MY RESERVATION. I over slept.

I fail.

Just can't seem to get out.

Maybe next weekend.

I hope.

Tad

[LoisB]

Tad,

What does successful GAL-ing look like to YOU?

It may not look the same as it does for someone else.

How many friends do you feel would help you get your needs met? How many events or interactions with others do you need to feel successful socially? Start with a defined goal that works for you.

And, the fact you shaved and got dressed shows me you did have motivation. Look at it differently. You took the initiative, but stopped short of arriving at the pool or whatever. How come? What stopped you from stepping out of the door? What could you do differently next time to get a little closer to the pool?

If you find yourself doing the same things over and over and over and getting the same similar results, then something else is going on. It shouldn't be so hard to get to the pool.

So what is the extra thing going on?

This board is designed to help people dealing with the MLC of a loved one. There is stellar advice on handling MLC. It's not, however, designed to help someone with undiagnosed Asperger's, Autism, chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, panic attacks, etc... Posters who mean well and want nothing but the best for you, may give you the wrong impression that you simply need to try harder which will give you the impression that you are failing... when, in reality, there is something going in your inner workings which is causing you to get stopped up.

What if there is something more? You will still need to do the footwork if you really want to see changes.

Honestly, Tad, in my opinion... NOT A DOC... You sound like someone on the autism spectrum with the social difficulties and depression you describe. If this is the case, you will need to adjust your expectations.

What kept you from walking out to the pool? Was it anxiety? Were you feeding yourself negative messages? Were you overwhelmed by the pressure you put on yourself? People generally avoid things because they have had consistent bad experiences in the past. Did you set yourself up to fail before you even started? Did your brain get overloaded in some way?

What if you redefine your idea of success?

Most of us on these boards have more than just an MLC-er causing us issues. For some, those issues are more profound and have caused years of perceived failures and frustrations. By the time we reach mid-life, we have years of shame. In my case, I have some other issues which contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

At this stage of the game, you know yourself Tad. YOU know yourself better than anyone on these boards.

Sounds like you have figured out the career piece and it took you some time to sort that out. Give yourself props for that. Now, you have to sort out the social and depression piece. Pick one, set reasonable goals and make adjustments which work for you.

Did you know there is a group online called Rat Assistance and Teaching Society? Sounds more up your alley than a casino.

[tadpole1025]

Wow. I'll try to answer your questions. This could be a lengthy post.

What does successful GAL-ing look like to YOU?

Honestly, I'd be happy just getting out and socializing once or twice a week. ANYTHING right now would be an improvement. Before everything started, I had friends coming out of my ears, I could have any woman I wanted when walking into a bar. (I'm not bragging. It's just the way it was because of who I was and what I did for a living.) Of course, I never acted on it because I'm not one to cheat and it just wasn't worth losing what I had at home. I was the life of the party. When this all began, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile. I fell off the planet. Now, I socialize with nobody outside of work. I still have some radio friends, but I rarely talk to them.

How many friends do you feel would help you get your needs met? How many events or interactions with others do you need to feel successful socially? Start with a defined goal that works for you.

Again, just once a week would be a start. I'm not looking for a miracle. I just need something. Anything.

What stopped you from stepping out of the door?

I'm not really sure. I just never went. I don't even remember if I made a decision not to go...it just didn't happen.

This board is designed to help people dealing with the MLC of a loved one. There is stellar advice on handling MLC. It's not, however, designed to help someone with undiagnosed Asperger's, Autism, chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, panic attacks, etc... Posters who mean well and want nothing but the best for you, may give you the wrong impression that you simply need to try harder which will give you the impression that you are failing... when, in reality, there is something going in your inner workings which is causing you to get stopped up.

Yeah, even though this all started with XW's MLC, I've been wondering if I should even post here anymore. I've basically gone back to how I was when I was a kid....a shy, non confident loner. I went from one extreme to the other: A shy non confident loner to being a locally famous celebrity back to being a shy non confident loner.

What kept you from walking out to the pool? Was it anxiety? Were you feeding yourself negative messages? Were you overwhelmed by the pressure you put on yourself? People generally avoid things because they have had consistent bad experiences in the past. Did you set yourself up to fail before you even started? Did your brain get overloaded in some way?

I' not sure. I think I put too much pressure on myself because by the time I got around to going, it didn't feel like something that I wanted to do. It felt more like a chore: something that I HAD to do.

Did you know there is a group online called Rat Assistance and Teaching Society?

Yeah. I haven't checked it out yet though. I've been trying to stay away from that sort of thing because of the way I am towards animals these days. That is probably the weirdest thing of all since this all started. I'm different towards them: more love and compassion for all animals. I was NEVER an animal person before. Just last week, there was a little dove on my lawn. He was learning to fly, but hadn't mastered it yet. He could get his wings going a little bit, but not enough to get him back into the tree. I thought about helping it, but didn't because I didn't want to interfere. I thought it would be better that way. He eventually made it back into the tree, but....I spent two days worrying about him.

As for rats, I want to get a couple more, but I haven't yet and am not sure if I will, just because I get too attached to them. They have very short lifespans. I'm done with death. It is so sad when they get old.

Overall, I'm not really sad these days with a few exceptions. I'm more upset about my little rats than anything else.

Well, the post wasn't as long as I thought. Wanted to write a lot more, but maybe another time. I'm tired.

My S22 has a show this weekend. That's something. Atleast I'll get out then.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

I want to bring these parts in focus here:

Before everything started, I had friends coming out of my ears, I could have any woman I wanted when walking into a bar. (I'm not bragging. It's just the way it was because of who I was and what I did for a living.) Of course, I never acted on it because I'm not one to cheat and it just wasn't worth losing what I had at home. I was the life of the party. When this all began, I kind of went into a self-imposed exile. I fell off the planet. Now, I socialize with nobody outside of work. I still have some radio friends, but I rarely talk to them.

Yeah, even though this all started with XW's MLC, I've been wondering if I should even post here anymore. I've basically gone back to how I was when I was a kid....a shy, non confident loner. I went from one extreme to the other: A shy non confident loner to being a locally famous celebrity back to being a shy non confident loner.

You are writing as if YOU had nothing to do with HOW you handle events. It sounds as if the bogeyman is at fault here for how YOU act nowadays.

Excuses...excuses.

You are THE ONLY person in the world that's responsible for your own life. Your XW did not make you a loner. Your XW did not make you withdraw. Your XW did not make you anti-social.

It is all ON YOU. Why? It all comes down to choices. You talk and act like all of that ^^ is beyond your control.

Hogwash.

I am getting exasperated with your fear of the outside world. Yeah, go right ahead and become the "hermit" recluse. Good luck with that.

We cannot help you here any more. We've done all we can here with suggestions, helpful tips, guidance.

We just cannot make the horse drink water. I guess you'll die of thirst....die of isolation.

Your choice.


You need professional help...seriously.

Oh that's right...your excuse is that you "don't like" this or that therapist.

You do what you want to do here, Tad.

Look...we all have faced losses and fears. We just push through it. There's no secret formula here.

Just push through it. I do this myself as with thousands (if not millions) of other people. Force myself out there. I am glad for it because I've made some cool friends and met my hot new girl.

[AJM]

You need professional help...seriously.

The engineer in my is jumping up and down excitedly, because of course you can make a horse drink. You put the hose down deep enough in his mouth and turn the water on...

Seriously though, Tad - you do need help. What you describe is depression. Clinical. What the cause is? We can't tell, but you'll need to get that taken care of. YOU.

Get a therapist and a doctor. Keep them. Break through the excuses and DO IT.

AJ

[LoisB]

Yikes Wonka. Harsh much?

You may want to pass on that job as an advocate for the mentally ill.

In my experience, people create default behaviors for good reasons. Uncover the reason and you are on your way to changing the default. Or, maybe the default just needs a small adjustment.

Tad, consider looking up information on Aspergers. Something is going on... Depression, anxiety, ASD?? And, I don't believe this is a simple matter of you pushing through. Whether you choose to explore the possibility of something deeper, that's up to you. But, a little support in the right area could make all the difference.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Harsh? It is a matter of perspective.

For me, I wanted to lay it all on the table for Tad for we all have had this discussion several times over a period of time. In my mind, it is time to push himself. No more BS.

It is not my place to tell (or imply) people that they're mentally ill...nor would I ever do it.

As you can see, Tad is very much stuck. We all have said this in some fashion over a long time:

-seek professional help
-try one outing a week
-try to connect with people
-try a hobby/interest

We all have given our time here to support Tad. We all are very sympathetic to Tad's struggles.

I think it's pretty much the time to either chit or get of the pot. Yeah, sometimes it takes a person to step up and lay it all out here.

((Tad))

P.S. I have a close family member who suffers from agoraphobia...soooo....

[LiveNow]

Tad -- have you tried meetup.com? Whatever your interests, there is a group (or 2 or 3 or 4) for you. It's a great way to get back out there and make some new friends. Everyone is in the same boat -- everyone goes to their first meetup at some point. I found everyone to be so welcoming. I've gone to some really fun events. It helped me a lot over the past few months. After a while, you kind of get the hang of it, and meeting new people becomes second-nature.

One foot in front of the other, Tad. Just DO it.

LiveNow

[LoisB]

P.S. I have a close family member who suffers from agoraphobia...soooo....

What?

I have a grandparent with a heart condition, but I'm not qualified to perform her triple bypass.

I can't imagine a trained professional giving someone with agoraphobia an ultimatum.

What I see... from the perspective of someone who has some similar issues to Tad's... pressure doesn't work. It's just more pressure.

Pressure and anxiety is the enemy.

Encouragement and calm and steady support is the hero of the day.

I've watched people give Tad tough love over and over and I don't see it ever moving him to reach out for professional support.

In my experience, it's not when people point out my crazy that gets me moving... it's when people point out my victories.

And, we can't possibly know all of Tad's story from these boards. For all we know, he could have a developmental disability, a history of sexual or physical abuse, some childhood trauma which is stopping him from interacting with others.... the point is... I believe it's very dangerous to tell someone on the Internet that they are seriously troubled and don't bother posting anymore because we've tried to help you and you are helpless.. which is essentially what you said.

Tad, if seriously clinically depressed, could read that and decide.. WTF? I should just off myself because I'm obviously too crazy to even get support on an online forum.

Wonka, I don't believe anyone has the right to add to the negative chatter in someone else's head. Especially when someone is very fragile and frighteningly alone.

Whatever the reason for being so alone... Not my place or anyone's to judge.

I think Tad has shown some remarkable strength in putting his job situation in place. His employment piece is settled and that's no small accomplishment for someone who appears to be clinically depressed. IF there's agoraphobia or Asperger's or whatever else going... then IT'S AN EVEN GREATER VICTORY!

He could be unemployed. He could be on welfare.

Armchair psychology can be very damaging when someone is fragile.

What I've learned from this journey? Love people unconditionally. You can't force someone to do anything they aren't ready to do. Love them anyway. Don't make it harder than it already is.

[LoisB]

You know Tad, they make medication to treat anxiety. It would only require a trip to an M.D. Might be the place to start. A little alteration of the brain chemistry might be the ticket to get things moving in the right direction. Just a thought.

[Wonka]

Heather,

I think you've missed the point in my post.

Agoraphobia starts with being fearful of going out where they tell themselves, "I cannot get motivated to go out" then it reaches to the point where a person has a full-blown agoraphobia.

That is what I am seeing here...

If you would go back in all of Tad's threads, you will see that I have been patient and supportive. I think it's time to tell it straight. I don't think it's fair for posters here to be "too nice" here.

We all know...it is ultimately Tad's choice to push through or not.

He DOES need professional help. I hope to God that Tad will push himself out of the house and get the help he desperately needs.

He is on a very slippery slope. It was very hard for me to read Tad's latest posting. Heartbreaking.

I am not a professional and I really don't want to pretend to be one here. I am Wonka and a concerned friend in this virtual world.

Tad, I really hope you can dig deep and really put yourself outside in the big beautiful world. Many amazing things are happening every day and you're missing out on the really cool stuff.

[Sotto]

Tad, I was also concerned to read your recent post. And agree with others that it may well be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your situation.

It's great that you are working and you have family. But you also have a desire to extend your life outside of work and are struggling to do it.

You said you are feeling like you have to do it, rather than you want to do it. I understand that, and I think many of us have cold feet about GAL we plan. For me, I often don't feel like going when the hour approaches. So, I make myself - and generally I enjoy it. If I don't enjoy it, I may give it another try or move on to something else.

Also, it sounds as though your S is feeling concerned too. Now, you may not become a local celebrity again, but for sure you can build your life up again into one that is fulfilling for you. It may take time, but with persistence you can do it.

But it does sound as though a little more support now might help taking those earlier steps easier...I would love to read about you managing to do some more GAL and feeling the benefits of it....

Take care, Toots x

[tadpole1025]

There is so much to respond to.

I get what you are saying.

Even you Wonka. I'm ok with tough love. And, I'm trying. I really am.

Heather, thank you.

I've been reading about Aspergers and even took a quiz. I don't have it....not even borderline.

Agoraphobia? Maybe. But, I don't really consider my issue to be fear. I just have no motivation.

Livenow mentioned Meetup. Yes, I actually joined about 2 years ago and have not gone to a single event. I get their emails all of the time and I usually don't read them or everything is way on the other side of town. But....I got an email today about a happy hour going on tomorrow that is right down the street. I'm going to try. God, I'm going to try. I'm not even sure what to do....just show up?

I hope I can.

It is now my weekend.

My schedule at work is changing next week and because of that, I have a four-day weekend. I'm actually off six of the next seven days. I'm off 4 days, then work 1, then am off the next 2. Last night was actually my first day off. So, this is how the next seven days look for me. Last night was day 1.

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Nothing yet

Day 3: Hopefully Happy Hour if I can gather the courage. I hope I can.

Day 4: Son has a show. I will be there.

Day 5: Work

Day 6:

Day 7:

I need to do more. Would going to a movie be good even if it isn't socializing? I thought about going to see one today, but haven't got around to it. Probably won't. But I may try and walk down to the pool late tonight.

This is all kind of amazing to me that I'm even struggling with this. There was a point when I was on the radio, that I would have no problems at all starting conversations, keeping conversations going and being the life of the party. I've been in front of thousands of people. I've spoken on stage in front of 60,000 people on more than one occasion and at one event, it was nearly 100,000. It was a regular part of my job. I thought nothing of it. I just did it....and got better at it every time I did it. I actually enjoyed it. The amount of energy you get from a crowd that big is incredible. Now....I can hardly make it outside to do anything.

I'm really going to try to make the Happy Hour tomorrow. It may be a small step, but it seems like a pretty big one for me. I NEED to do it.

Heather, yes my job situation is finally where it needs to be. Matter of fact, I love it and am doing well. I enjoy it a lot. I was approached by 2 supervisors last week about a possible promotion. If I get it, instead of being responsible for 300-500 tv stations, I'd be in charge of about 3,000. That would mean yet another raise. Yes, life is really good in the job department. No complaints.

The issue is my social life. Or, lack of one.

My favorite band is KISS. I've been listening/following them since I was about 10 years old. I was 7 when they started and listened to them while growing up. I idolize them. Gene Simmons (The Demon) and Paul Stanley (The Star) are my heroes. Growing up, I wanted to be them. Well, Paul Stanley recently wrote his autobiography titled: "Face The Music: A Life Exposed." I wanted to read it for the history and road stories. Surprisingly, I found that I can relate to him. He talks about being shy growing up, the difference between his character on stage and his personal life just like me and the "character" I played on the radio. He talks about driving to a night club, but not having the courage to get out. (I've done that quite a few times recently.) It's like I'm reading about me. Even the part where he mentions he would have no social life at all while his band mates were all out having fun. He was at home. Alone. That's me. I can hardly put the book down.

For all we know, he could have a developmental disability, a history of sexual or physical abuse, some childhood trauma which is stopping him from interacting with others.

I had none of those. (As far as I know.) The only issue I had growing up was the fact that we moved a lot. My stepdad was in the military and we were always moving. Phoenix to Monterey, Monterey to Phoenix, Phoenix to Germany, Germany to Monterey....over and over and over. Plus, there was my mom and dad always fighting over custody. Then my grandmother who lived in Phoenix who I really wanted to stay with but was always taken away from because of the moving.

Tad, I really hope you can dig deep and really put yourself outside in the big beautiful world.

I really want to Wonka. Really. God, I can't believe this is even an issue with me.

I remember joking with buddies when I was married like a lot of guys do..."Man, if I was single, I'd do this and that......" Not so easy. Not for me anyways.

I'll stop for now.

Hope I can make it to happy hour tomorrow. I need to.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

I have a special request from you.

Please go to the happy hour event for ME. Willya? I am with you in spirit...ordering some sweet amaretto.

There's a surprise waiting for you if you make it 30 minutes at the happy hour. That's all I am asking here.

Eat some chicken wings for me...

[Ginger1]

Hey tad, long time poster, new account, but I'm probably on moderation because I don't really post. I hope this gets to you before happy hour....


It really strikes me when you tell me how social and outgoing you WERE. You definitely don't have aspbergers. Everything seems to have changed though. And it seems to have changed after your divorce. Divorce and affairs obviously are a HUGE blow to our self esteem and self worth. You need to know that social, confident guy you were? That was all YOU and had nothing to do with your ex. And the way people receive you? Also has nothing to do with her because what happened does not dictate you are. You are still that guy who used to be life of the party.

I think there is a huge component of depression here and it worries me. a lot. And your refusal to get help worries me. There is no reason you need to be living like this. There is a great fulfilling life with other human waiting out there for you! But it's in your power to get the help you need to make that happen.

All this " I really HOPEI can make it to happy hour". And " I will TRY to make it to happy hour" Needs to be " I WILL make it happy hour". Learned this from a book I'm reading by ... and saying I will or I can actually makes stuff happen:)

We are all rooting for you. Especially since we know you can do it

[LiveNow]

Tad -- DO the meetup. It was really hard for me to go to my first one last fall. The thing is, that's what they're there for, meeting people. I found that everyone was SO very welcoming, introducing themselves, and especially if it was your first one, they would try even harder to make you comfortable. They no doubt remember THEIR first one. Now I know several people who I met at my first, second, and third meetups. We do things together quite a bit, and they belong to other meetups I could join. Then THEY can introduce me to the folks in THOSE meetups. And on and on. Just have to take that first step. Not easy for most of us. It takes a while to build a new networkd of friends and acquaintances. Just stick your hand out and introduce yourself. At least you have an easy name. MINE is so difficult that I have to repeat it several times for some people. AWKWARD. But after 52 years, I'm used to it. But I digress...With each meetup/event, you will gain confidence. You've had it before, you can have it again. You're just out of practice, maybe? We're counting on your reporting back here about your first meetup! Go for it! Annnnnd...have a...shot of whiskey for me, how 'bout? ;-) Goes great with chicken wings...

LiveNow

[LoisB]

Tad,

I think that was the most honest and revealing post you ever had.

Good on you.

Stop beating yourself up. When you catch yourself, think about your pets. Would you tell them how terrible they are when they fail? You can't train a dog by giving them the negative over and over. Positive reinforcement wins the day.

One thing I do with my daughter--she has Asperger's and suffers from heavy anxiety in social situations-- we make a commitment to just get in the building where the event is taking place. Just walk in the door. If that's all you can do, fine.

Next time, stay for 10 minutes. If that's all you can do, fine.

Next time, stay for 20 minutes and say "Hi" to one person. Etc...

Make sure to build something rewarding into the AFTER. Whatever nurtures you and rewards you. Do it after you TRY.

Simple positive reinforcement. Available at any dog training school ;-) The minute you engage with one other person, that dopamine will get triggered and you feel the high you get of dealing with something scary. That will help with the next time.

The process leads to progress. You can do it.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Heather, Livenow and Wonka.

Well........

Eh.

I made it to the pool last night. Of course, I fought with myself for an hour and a half before finally making it down there. Nobody was there which was good. I swam for about an hour. It's amazing how my mind races when I'm out of my apartment and alone away from my boys. My mind was going a mile a minute.

Thought about:

My life

My marriage

Life in general

Death

My rats

Maybe I should go get laid but that even takes getting out.

My job

Things I could have done better or differently.

How lonely wind sounds when blowing through pine trees.

My grandmother.

I thought of all sorts of things for no particular reason. It was actually a nice night with a little breeze. Not socializing but....something.

The Happy Hour....

When I woke up this morning, it was the first thing I thought of. Of course, I felt dread, but spent the day trying to convince myself to go. Finally I got to a point where basically I was telling myself "If I don't go now, I'll never go." So, I didn't go to the happy hour, but I did go to the location early and had one drink. Cop out? Maybe. I knew though that the later it got in the day, the less likely the chances of me going were. I'm kicking myself now because I didn't go to the actual event and didn't "socialize." When I walked in, my watch said 2:41. It said 3:15 when I walked out. 34 minutes. Terrible.

I wish I could describe what kind of struggle this is. I've never had an issue like this. I find myself wondering how I got to this point. I'm pretty sure that I'm 85%-90% done with XW's garbage. Now, I have this issue. I look back on my radio days and sometimes shudder when I think about some of the things I used to do as "the star." I don't even think I could even TOUCH a microphone these days. It's obvious that even though I was extremely good at it, my radio days are officially over for good.

Funny thing is, when I'm going to work, I have no problems getting ready and leaving the house. It's almost like I am 2 separate people: "Work Tad" and "Home Tad." "Work Tad" looks forward to going to work and loves his job. "Home Tad" enjoys his days off, but never does anything with them.

Anyways, just wanted to update. I guess my week now looks like this:

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Went for a swim

Day 3: Went and had a drink

Day 4: Son has a show. I will be there.

Day 5: Work

Day 6:

Day 7:

So yes, I got out. No, I didn't go to the happy hour.

I think that the "getting out" is rough. "Socializing" is even more difficult.

How the Hell did I get here?

The weatherman says we will probably get some big storms tonight. I'm planning on sitting on my patio and watching the lightning.

34 lousy minutes. That's all I could handle.

Tad

"Former" radio personality

[LoisB]

😄

[LoisB]

That was supposed to be a smiley face.

[Sotto]

Tad, don't beat yourself up. You got out of the house and went to two things - that's progress. Yes, you didn't make it to a Meetup group yet - but all in good time okay?

For me - Meetups sound pretty daunting, and I have never been to one. I did sign up for one group, but it didn't go ahead. But that 'pure socialising' can be pretty daunting I think. And it may be something to work towards rather than going for gold right now.

IMHO, there are much more low key things out there that bring you into contact with others, but not in such a full on social way. I'm thinking of - being with others whilst doing something else. For me, I have got out and about volunteering in a charity bookstore, joining a Calligraphy group that does monthly workshops, joining a book group, yoga class, aerobics class etc. They are all things that are pretty low key and you get some incidental chat while doing something else.

What about coming up with a plan for a real low key 'get me out of the house' thing on days 6 & 7. Something you'll feel reasonably comfortable with and is achievable. Interesting that 'work Tad' is so confident and comfortable and 'home Tad' less so. Have you seen an IC at all? I did for a while and it was helpful. It may be something to think about - getting that support to build your home life into something you are truly happy with.

I think you've done well Tad.....now let's hear how you plan to build on this progress....x

[LouR]

Hey Tad

34 minutes is 34 more than before so improvement on that front.

Swimming - yep alone, but you did not know that you would be and you still got to the pool so - guess what, improvement there too.

I do wonder Tad - what do you feel inside that makes it ok for you to go to your son's shows ? They are a social event, people can speak to you there, so what makes it different from other social interactions - replicating that rational reasoning may help you reach your goal.

[Wonka]

Tad,

Yay!!!!! Yessssss....I am so proud of you for getting inside and ordering a drink. What an achievement, my friend.

Perhaps the next time go to the same place and try to say "hi" to someone sitting next to you at the bar stool. General chit chat....

You CAN do this, buddy.

Keep going. Perhaps invite one or both of your sons to the happy hour event. That might lessen the "dread" feeling for you.

Hmmm....

What was the "dread" feeling?

"Dread" for what....?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Toots, Heather LouR and Wonka.

I went to S22's show last night. I had a fun time. XW did not show. I did get a chance to talk to XW's brother. I saw him last night for the first time since her MLC began. I, like S22, am convinced that he and their entire family have been lied to. Not that it matters, I just find it interesting.

What about coming up with a plan for a real low key 'get me out of the house' thing on days 6 & 7.

Yeah. I hope to think of something...I'm at work at the moment and may take another swim once I get off at midnight.

I do wonder Tad - what do you feel inside that makes it ok for you to go to your son's shows?

I'm not sure. Maybe it is because I know people there. I know some of his fans and the entire band. I am close with all of them. They call me "Band Dad." Two of the members I've known for 6 or 7 years from another band he was in before XW went nuts. It could be too that it is something that I feel I need to do to show support. I also promised him that I will try to make it to every show. I haven't missed one yet.

What was the "dread" feeling?

"Dread" for what....?

I'm not sure that I can explain it. It was more like: "Uh. I have to be around people." I think it is just being around a lot of people and not "knowing" any of them. It's like: "why would anyone want to talk to me?" I'm just not comfortable around people that I don't know. I know....my confidence is shot. When I was on the radio, it was no problem. People usually approached me first because of what I did for a living. It's been that way my entire adult life because I started my radio career when I was just 19.

Kind of having a downer day. It seems that most of my down days are Sundays for some reason.

I really miss my rats. I want more, but am also afraid to get more. It makes me sad to think how they get when they get old. Also, I know that if I did get more, I'd probably struggle with getting out even more than I do now. I sure would like to have more though...

Well after tonight, I'm off for two more days. I have no clue what I'm going to do on my off days. I'm afraid I've become a hermit.

So....here is how my week has been:

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Went for a swim

Day 3: Went and had a drink

Day 4: Son's show.

Day 5: Work

Day 6: NOTHING PLANNED

Day 7: NOTHING PLANNED

I really hope to get out. There's just no desire. Even when I am home, I feel I NEED to do something...but that is all it amounts to. Just a need, but no desire to do anything about it.

In a rut.

Tad

[Sotto]

'I really hope to get out - there's just no desire'

You are master of your own destiny Tad. Follow the hope and take some more baby steps. Build on the mini successes you already had. You say there is no desire, but if you hope to get out, that is desire isn't it?

So, let's hear your ideas for the NOTHING PLANNED days....and a commitment to do one thing - even if it is just a mini step - on each of those days.

I don't think you answered my questions on possible IC and/or seeing a doctor about how you are feeling. Have you sought any emotional/medical support recently? I just wonder whether it is worth delving a little further into this lack of desire/inertia to see what lies behind it, and have some support to overcome that.

I would maybe park the idea of getting more rats just now. I think they are just substituting things that you miss in your life. Maybe revisit the idea when you are more happy with the fullness of your life outside of work?

Take care xx

[tadpole1025]

Ginger, sorry, but I didn't see your post until today.

Toots, you said:

I don't think you answered my questions on possible IC and/or seeing a doctor about how you are feeling. Have you sought any emotional/medical support recently?

I've tried the counselor thing. A few times. Medical help? I saw a doctor when this all started. I was on ADs for a while, but took myself off of them. (My brother was on them when he killed himself.)

I did not make it to the pool last night after work.

So, today I made plans to go to a little bar and grill in town. When I arrived, I realized that it was in the same plaza as the place where I took my rats to get cremated. When I got there, I turned around and went home. About an hour later, I tried it again. My watch said 4:38 when I walked in. There was nobody but old guys in there talking about deer hunting. Five years ago, that wouldn't have mattered to me. So, because I didn't want to listen to a bunch of dudes talking about killing animals, I left after one drink. When I walked out, it was 5:04. Ug....26 minutes. Never did eat.

I've really got to get past this....

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just updating:

I got out twice yesterday. I treated myself to a nice Mexican dinner and went down to the pool later in the evening. Stayed a little over an hour at both.

Today, I go back to work. I don't need to be there for another two hours, but I'm already ready to go. Itching to get out the door. Haha. I really need to get a life.

Tad

[CaliGuy]

Good for you Tad .... keep pressing and putting yourself out there.

[Sotto]

Great stuff Tad - I love Mexican food! You doubled your Gal this week...

Have you given any thought to low key gal that's more social too?

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago. It's a sad thing and hard to overcome.

Really pleased to see your progress anyway...:-)

[Wonka]

"Get out of here!" in my best Elaine voice from Seinfeld shoving your chest

I am dancing a jig for you, Tad! Way to go...baby steps.

[LiveNow]

LOL, Wonka. I totally remember that!

Just wanted to pop in and say 'That's AWESOME, Tad.' Good for you. Keep going. We're excited to hear what's next for you!

LiveNow

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Cali, Toots, Wonka and LiveNow.

Have you given any thought to low key gal that's more social too?

I don't know. I used to love to bowl. I used to be a pretty good bowler...

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago. It's a sad thing and hard to overcome.

Thank you. It is very hard. I was very angry at him for a long time afterwards. But.....I almost think his suicide saved my life. I thought about it MYSELF when this all started and the only reason that I didn't was because I saw what my brother's suicide did to our mom and to my brother's kids.

"Get out of here!" in my best Elaine voice from Seinfeld shoving your chest.

Haha. Love it. I have every episode.

Journaling:

It is my weekend. Today is my first day off.

The battle begins.

I managed to take S20 and S22 out to a nice lunch/dinner.

I was sitting on my patio earlier as the sun went down. I saw four fast-flying ducks fly over my head and into the sunset. It looked like something out of a movie. (Just sharing.)

I have to pick up S24 from work in about an hour. After that, I may head down to the pool with a beer. (Typical middle-aged, ugly, single guy stuff I guess.) That is if I don't talk myself out of it.

After today, I have two more days off. Nothing planned...........................

Tad

[Sotto]

Hi Tad, good job with the GAL. Bowling sounds like a good idea. Do you know anyone else who enjoys it and might fancy going? Or any clubs or leagues in your area??

I think you're doing well with the baby steps & you can come up with a couple of things you'll enjoy over the next couple of days...

Toots :-)

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Toots.

I'm actually thinking of joining a league.

I never made it to the pool the other night, but I did last night.

New events warrant a new thread. It can be found here:

XW wants lunch with me and...........OM

Tad