You know Tad, they make medication to treat anxiety. It would only require a trip to an M.D. Might be the place to start. A little alteration of the brain chemistry might be the ticket to get things moving in the right direction. Just a thought.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Agoraphobia starts with being fearful of going out where they tell themselves, "I cannot get motivated to go out" then it reaches to the point where a person has a full-blown agoraphobia.
That is what I am seeing here...
If you would go back in all of Tad's threads, you will see that I have been patient and supportive. I think it's time to tell it straight. I don't think it's fair for posters here to be "too nice" here.
We all know...it is ultimately Tad's choice to push through or not.
He DOES need professional help. I hope to God that Tad will push himself out of the house and get the help he desperately needs.
He is on a very slippery slope. It was very hard for me to read Tad's latest posting. Heartbreaking.
I am not a professional and I really don't want to pretend to be one here. I am Wonka and a concerned friend in this virtual world.
Tad, I really hope you can dig deep and really put yourself outside in the big beautiful world. Many amazing things are happening every day and you're missing out on the really cool stuff.
Tad, I was also concerned to read your recent post. And agree with others that it may well be a good idea to talk to your doctor about your situation.
It's great that you are working and you have family. But you also have a desire to extend your life outside of work and are struggling to do it.
You said you are feeling like you have to do it, rather than you want to do it. I understand that, and I think many of us have cold feet about GAL we plan. For me, I often don't feel like going when the hour approaches. So, I make myself - and generally I enjoy it. If I don't enjoy it, I may give it another try or move on to something else.
Also, it sounds as though your S is feeling concerned too. Now, you may not become a local celebrity again, but for sure you can build your life up again into one that is fulfilling for you. It may take time, but with persistence you can do it.
But it does sound as though a little more support now might help taking those earlier steps easier...I would love to read about you managing to do some more GAL and feeling the benefits of it....
Take care, Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Even you Wonka. I'm ok with tough love. And, I'm trying. I really am.
Heather, thank you.
I've been reading about Aspergers and even took a quiz. I don't have it....not even borderline.
Agoraphobia? Maybe. But, I don't really consider my issue to be fear. I just have no motivation.
Livenow mentioned Meetup. Yes, I actually joined about 2 years ago and have not gone to a single event. I get their emails all of the time and I usually don't read them or everything is way on the other side of town. But....I got an email today about a happy hour going on tomorrow that is right down the street. I'm going to try. God, I'm going to try. I'm not even sure what to do....just show up?
I hope I can.
It is now my weekend.
My schedule at work is changing next week and because of that, I have a four-day weekend. I'm actually off six of the next seven days. I'm off 4 days, then work 1, then am off the next 2. Last night was actually my first day off. So, this is how the next seven days look for me. Last night was day 1.
Day 1: Nothing
Day 2: Nothing yet
Day 3: Hopefully Happy Hour if I can gather the courage. I hope I can.
Day 4: Son has a show. I will be there.
Day 5: Work
Day 6:
Day 7:
I need to do more. Would going to a movie be good even if it isn't socializing? I thought about going to see one today, but haven't got around to it. Probably won't. But I may try and walk down to the pool late tonight.
This is all kind of amazing to me that I'm even struggling with this. There was a point when I was on the radio, that I would have no problems at all starting conversations, keeping conversations going and being the life of the party. I've been in front of thousands of people. I've spoken on stage in front of 60,000 people on more than one occasion and at one event, it was nearly 100,000. It was a regular part of my job. I thought nothing of it. I just did it....and got better at it every time I did it. I actually enjoyed it. The amount of energy you get from a crowd that big is incredible. Now....I can hardly make it outside to do anything.
I'm really going to try to make the Happy Hour tomorrow. It may be a small step, but it seems like a pretty big one for me. I NEED to do it.
Heather, yes my job situation is finally where it needs to be. Matter of fact, I love it and am doing well. I enjoy it a lot. I was approached by 2 supervisors last week about a possible promotion. If I get it, instead of being responsible for 300-500 tv stations, I'd be in charge of about 3,000. That would mean yet another raise. Yes, life is really good in the job department. No complaints.
The issue is my social life. Or, lack of one.
My favorite band is KISS. I've been listening/following them since I was about 10 years old. I was 7 when they started and listened to them while growing up. I idolize them. Gene Simmons (The Demon) and Paul Stanley (The Star) are my heroes. Growing up, I wanted to be them. Well, Paul Stanley recently wrote his autobiography titled: "Face The Music: A Life Exposed." I wanted to read it for the history and road stories. Surprisingly, I found that I can relate to him. He talks about being shy growing up, the difference between his character on stage and his personal life just like me and the "character" I played on the radio. He talks about driving to a night club, but not having the courage to get out. (I've done that quite a few times recently.) It's like I'm reading about me. Even the part where he mentions he would have no social life at all while his band mates were all out having fun. He was at home. Alone. That's me. I can hardly put the book down.
Quote:
For all we know, he could have a developmental disability, a history of sexual or physical abuse, some childhood trauma which is stopping him from interacting with others.
I had none of those. (As far as I know.) The only issue I had growing up was the fact that we moved a lot. My stepdad was in the military and we were always moving. Phoenix to Monterey, Monterey to Phoenix, Phoenix to Germany, Germany to Monterey....over and over and over. Plus, there was my mom and dad always fighting over custody. Then my grandmother who lived in Phoenix who I really wanted to stay with but was always taken away from because of the moving.
Quote:
Tad, I really hope you can dig deep and really put yourself outside in the big beautiful world.
I really want to Wonka. Really. God, I can't believe this is even an issue with me.
I remember joking with buddies when I was married like a lot of guys do..."Man, if I was single, I'd do this and that......" Not so easy. Not for me anyways.
I'll stop for now.
Hope I can make it to happy hour tomorrow. I need to.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Hey tad, long time poster, new account, but I'm probably on moderation because I don't really post. I hope this gets to you before happy hour....
It really strikes me when you tell me how social and outgoing you WERE. You definitely don't have aspbergers. Everything seems to have changed though. And it seems to have changed after your divorce. Divorce and affairs obviously are a HUGE blow to our self esteem and self worth. You need to know that social, confident guy you were? That was all YOU and had nothing to do with your ex. And the way people receive you? Also has nothing to do with her because what happened does not dictate you are. You are still that guy who used to be life of the party.
I think there is a huge component of depression here and it worries me. a lot. And your refusal to get help worries me. There is no reason you need to be living like this. There is a great fulfilling life with other human waiting out there for you! But it's in your power to get the help you need to make that happen.
All this " I really HOPEI can make it to happy hour". And " I will TRY to make it to happy hour" Needs to be " I WILL make it happy hour". Learned this from a book I'm reading by ... and saying I will or I can actually makes stuff happen:)
We are all rooting for you. Especially since we know you can do it
Last edited by Cristy; 07/20/1509:21 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors
Tad -- DO the meetup. It was really hard for me to go to my first one last fall. The thing is, that's what they're there for, meeting people. I found that everyone was SO very welcoming, introducing themselves, and especially if it was your first one, they would try even harder to make you comfortable. They no doubt remember THEIR first one. Now I know several people who I met at my first, second, and third meetups. We do things together quite a bit, and they belong to other meetups I could join. Then THEY can introduce me to the folks in THOSE meetups. And on and on. Just have to take that first step. Not easy for most of us. It takes a while to build a new networkd of friends and acquaintances. Just stick your hand out and introduce yourself. At least you have an easy name. MINE is so difficult that I have to repeat it several times for some people. AWKWARD. But after 52 years, I'm used to it. But I digress...With each meetup/event, you will gain confidence. You've had it before, you can have it again. You're just out of practice, maybe? We're counting on your reporting back here about your first meetup! Go for it! Annnnnd...have a...shot of whiskey for me, how 'bout? ;-) Goes great with chicken wings...
LiveNow
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I think that was the most honest and revealing post you ever had.
Good on you.
Stop beating yourself up. When you catch yourself, think about your pets. Would you tell them how terrible they are when they fail? You can't train a dog by giving them the negative over and over. Positive reinforcement wins the day.
One thing I do with my daughter--she has Asperger's and suffers from heavy anxiety in social situations-- we make a commitment to just get in the building where the event is taking place. Just walk in the door. If that's all you can do, fine.
Next time, stay for 10 minutes. If that's all you can do, fine.
Next time, stay for 20 minutes and say "Hi" to one person. Etc...
Make sure to build something rewarding into the AFTER. Whatever nurtures you and rewards you. Do it after you TRY.
Simple positive reinforcement. Available at any dog training school ;-) The minute you engage with one other person, that dopamine will get triggered and you feel the high you get of dealing with something scary. That will help with the next time.
The process leads to progress. You can do it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I made it to the pool last night. Of course, I fought with myself for an hour and a half before finally making it down there. Nobody was there which was good. I swam for about an hour. It's amazing how my mind races when I'm out of my apartment and alone away from my boys. My mind was going a mile a minute.
Thought about:
My life
My marriage
Life in general
Death
My rats
Maybe I should go get laid but that even takes getting out.
My job
Things I could have done better or differently.
How lonely wind sounds when blowing through pine trees.
My grandmother.
I thought of all sorts of things for no particular reason. It was actually a nice night with a little breeze. Not socializing but....something.
The Happy Hour....
When I woke up this morning, it was the first thing I thought of. Of course, I felt dread, but spent the day trying to convince myself to go. Finally I got to a point where basically I was telling myself "If I don't go now, I'll never go." So, I didn't go to the happy hour, but I did go to the location early and had one drink. Cop out? Maybe. I knew though that the later it got in the day, the less likely the chances of me going were. I'm kicking myself now because I didn't go to the actual event and didn't "socialize." When I walked in, my watch said 2:41. It said 3:15 when I walked out. 34 minutes. Terrible.
I wish I could describe what kind of struggle this is. I've never had an issue like this. I find myself wondering how I got to this point. I'm pretty sure that I'm 85%-90% done with XW's garbage. Now, I have this issue. I look back on my radio days and sometimes shudder when I think about some of the things I used to do as "the star." I don't even think I could even TOUCH a microphone these days. It's obvious that even though I was extremely good at it, my radio days are officially over for good.
Funny thing is, when I'm going to work, I have no problems getting ready and leaving the house. It's almost like I am 2 separate people: "Work Tad" and "Home Tad." "Work Tad" looks forward to going to work and loves his job. "Home Tad" enjoys his days off, but never does anything with them.
Anyways, just wanted to update. I guess my week now looks like this:
Day 1: Nothing
Day 2: Went for a swim
Day 3: Went and had a drink
Day 4: Son has a show. I will be there.
Day 5: Work
Day 6:
Day 7:
So yes, I got out. No, I didn't go to the happy hour.
I think that the "getting out" is rough. "Socializing" is even more difficult.
How the Hell did I get here?
The weatherman says we will probably get some big storms tonight. I'm planning on sitting on my patio and watching the lightning.
34 lousy minutes. That's all I could handle.
Tad
"Former" radio personality
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
