Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. I've been away for a while and thought it was time for a new thread. My last thread can be found here:

Nuggets

Just rambling:

I think I'm doing better these days. I don't let garbage from XW bother me so much anymore.

I recently got a decent raise at work. I've been here 10 months and have already received two raises. I just wish I could save. Still living paycheck to paycheck.

I visited a therapist twice last month. I just have a hard time talking to a stranger face to face about my "stuff." I'm not sure if I'm going to go back.

My little rattie is still alive....just very very feeble. I'm ashamed to admit this but I've actually cried/grieved for her more than I did for my own mom. THAT is sad. Very sad. Again, I'm not proud of that.

I still have a relationship with my "friend" at work....but we are just friends. I'm fine with it.

S22 had another show last night. XW missed it again. She has missed 2 in a row now after telling him that she will attend every one.

I've lost a lot of weight. Maybe too much. I gave up soda and started drinking water in order to lose weight, but it seems too easy. I've lost it very fast. I've lost 3-4 inches off my waist just since about February. I suspect I might be diabetic.

I've noticed I've become very superstitious. (sp?) I've always been a little, but seem to be worse lately when it comes to black cats...broken mirrors....

UrWorthy, I sent a friend request to you on the DB FB page.

Overall, I do believe (hope) that I am pretty much done with the XW stuff. If I'm not done, I'm getting better because things just don't bother me as much as they used to.

For some reason, I notice that I appreciate the "little things" a bit more than I used to: talks with my boys, the rain, a bird singing, a passing butterfly. I'm really starting to fall in love with nature. I'm not sure why. The old me could care less. As I've said before, I think maybe I am going through some type of change....I don't know. I'm just different in so many ways.

I seem to have more compassion for people and animals. (Mostly animals)

I've decided that if I can save a little money, I'm going to travel to Northern Arizona in the late summer. They have cabins up there that are actually built up in the trees like a tree house. I want to go just to get away from everything and everybody and maybe enjoy a little solitude and nature. I need it. I'd really like to take the boys, but to be honest, I just need some me time.

S29 is thinking about marrying his girlfriend. I hope he doesn't rush it.

After being smoke free for just over three months, I've started smoking again. I'm still trying to quit, but I've had a lot of slips...

I haven't heard from my only living brother in over a year. His daughter hasn't heard from him since December. She has told me though that he is back on drugs. Drugs are what did my little brother in. He was on Heroine the night he killed himself. I really do have a feeling that I may never see him again.

I would really like to start dating again, but there are some days that I want no part of it. It would just be nice to have someone to share things with or to confide in. On the other hand, I'm almost glad that I'm single. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Now if I just had a little more money....

Mostly, my days are good but....there are days that are bad...really really bad. Probably 80-90 percent of them though are due to my rat getting old. NOT because of XW.

Sometimes, right out of the blue, I'll ask myself if this is how I want my life to be/continue. The answer is no, but I don't really know what to do about it.

I'm slowly getting out more but still not as much as I should.

Realized yesterday that this coming August 30th would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. THIRTY FRICKIN YEARS! And....it still baffles me how someone can just throw that away and erase it.

My eyesight is declining. I got a new pair of glasses with bifocals last month and they have helped a little. Sometimes though I really find myself squinting and struggling to see things on my computer screen. It is starting to affect my work. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I sit in the dark all night at work.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I don't think any of my boys are visiting XW. I shouldn't, but I feel bad. They've already made plans for me for Father's Day. We are all planning on going bowling and maybe a barbecue later in the day.

My boys are visiting and communicating with XW less and less. My oldest son was at her house on Christmas and Easter. My youngest was there on Christmas. The two middle ones have NEVER been to her house or even met her husband. She continues to push them, but not as much as before.

I wanted to have my own place by August, but I don't think I'm going to be ready. I know the boys aren't ready.

Someone asked me the other day if I'll ever get married again. Honestly, I don't know. If I did, she would have to be someone very special that totally knocks me off my feet. I will tell you this: I will NEVER let another woman ever ever hurt me the way XW did. It's kind of sad though because I have to wonder if I will ever be able to let my guard down again. I guess I'm jaded.

I've received two different offers in three months to get back on the radio. I turned them both down. I just can't do it anymore. I had a 23-year career....an amazing career, but I can't. I have no desire to be a celebrity anymore. In fact, if I could, I'd move very very far away where nobody would know me. I guess I'm a little more introverted than I used to be.

I feel bad for my boys because I'm starting to see how this MLC/divorce stuff has affected them. Things could have and would have been so much different/better for them if we had stayed together.

Everyone always talks about the changes an MLCer goes through. I can honestly tell you that I have changed too. There is no way that I'm the same person I used to be. I truly believe that a spouse's MLC changes the LBS just as much if not more than the MLCers themselves. Has anyone else noticed changes in themselves once all the garbage has settled down?

XW's sister is now divorcing her third husband after ten years. I can't really say that this surprises me.

My anxiety seems to be worse when I have it, but I'm not having it as often. I guess that's the trade off. I'm still dreaming of plane crashes though.

I still feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. It's like I'm watching a movie. And my old life seems so very, very far away. I remember things and it seems so long ago...almost like a different lifetime.

Anyways, that's my latest. Just wanted to give an update since it has been a while. Overall, things are getting better.

Time. Time is a good thing...

Tad

[AJM]

Sometimes Tad, I wonder who really had the crisis during this mid-life transition

Glad to hear from you and glad things are going relatively well. Sounds like mid-life is catching up. Eyesight, health, etc.

Can I suggest you keep going to the IC and commit to going at least for a total of 6 times? It's known that it takes at least 5 before you get to the point of trust and really get to the effective stage of the relationship.

Glad the job is going well. Sounds like you enjoy it and I'm sure it'll work out just fine over time. Two raises? Nicely done.

AJ

[kml]

Tad -
first of all, what are you currently doing to treat your depression? Make no mistake, this IS depression, and you need help to heal your brain from its biological effects. Are you taking any medications or supplements to treat depression? What is your diet like? Levels of vitamin D, thyroid, testosterone?

Second, you commented on losing weight and wondering about diabetes. If you have diabetes serious enough to be causing weight loss, there should be sugar in your urine. If you won't or can't go to the doctor, at least go to the drug store and buy some urine test strips that check for glucose and ketones.

(And congrats on kicking the soda habit, it's terrible for you, and might actually be the thing that is allowing you to lose weight now).

Also look at a book by...

AS for living paycheck to paycheck, look at the Mr Money Mustache website for ideas on controlling your costs.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you AJ and KML.

Sometimes Tad, I wonder who really had the crisis during this mid-life transition.

Me too brother. Me too. I've changed so much. Some for the good and some for the bad.

Can I suggest you keep going to the IC and commit to going at least for a total of 6 times?

I will consider it. No promises, but I'll consider it.

Make no mistake, this IS depression, and you need help to heal your brain from its biological effects. Are you taking any medications or supplements to treat depression? What is your diet like? Levels of vitamin D, thyroid, testosterone?

I don't eat as well as I should. I have no idea what any of my levels are, but I'm trying to get in to see a doctor later this week or next. I've been reading a lot about depression and it too can cause weight loss. I don't mind the weight loss, it just seems fairly drastic this time around. I know that I have been pretty upset about my rattie getting old. She has literally been my best friend for the past 2 and a half years. Her sister was too and she passed away in December. (Silly, I know.) Not silly to me though. As for meds, I was on them for about a year after this all started. I weaned myself off of them because I didn't want to be dependent on them and because my brother was on them when he committed suicide. I just didn't like being on them but.....I may just have to face facts and get back on them. I'll see what the doctor says. I just don't want to be on them all my life. Thought I was past all of this mess.



I will check out the book you suggested. I've visited the website you mentioned. Good stuff there.

Thanks for responding.

Tad

[MrBond]

Tad,

Don't give up on the C. Sounds like you're still having trust issues. And your W's MLC just triggered your own MLC. That's why you've changed. Your resentment towards your XW is still very strong. You still analyze and criticize everything she does. Even nice actions. Let it go. They are like chains that are holding you down.

Just take it one day at a time my friend.

[Mighty]

Hi tad. I agree w bond. And I think I was sent into a bit of crisis myself. I hope you try very hard, tad to keep making choice to help you. I know it's a kind, arduous, sometimes seemingly endless road, but I know in my heart that a time will come when it pays off. When the journey... The path we are on... Will open up. And it will be a wide-open road. A good one. A joy ride.

Get through this, tad... And we and take on whatever come. But, we have to get through it. The only way is to do the work. I have no intention of staying in this hell forever. So even if I don't feel like or think somethin is working or productive, I know I have to a least give it a fair shot. And... Try other things. New things. Sitting still did me no good. I think I needed it for awhile. But... The more I move along... The more momentum I gain.

Granted... I still have a long ways to go & lots to deal with. But... A lot I know has fallen to the wayside. And there are honest moments of happiness. So, I know they are not unobtainable. And it helps give little glimmers of what I want in my life. What it can look like. And... What I don't want.

I'm not saying this to be about me, tad. But honestly, it breaks my heart to know someone is struggling with.... This. It pains me- personally, bc I get it. But you can do this, tad. You just have to do it. Take the steps.

Keep you head up, tad.

[Mighty]

iphone typing is not always great... *kind* is not the adjective I meant.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the nice words Mighty and MrBond. While I don't consider myself to be in a MLC, I would say that maybe I'm having a "transition" or MLT. I know I have changed in this mess and like I said, some changes were good and some were not so good.

I do know this:

They say MLC is triggered by an "event" or "events." I know for a fact:

"Events" triggered my XW's MLC.
Her MLC or "event" triggered something in me.

You are right MrBond. I still do resent her. I need to let go of that, but it is so damn hard. And....I know in my heart that forgiveness is the only way, but I'm still far from that. To me, forgiveness comes off as saying "Hey, no biggie. It's ok."

My biggest fear right now is being alone. My boys will be marrying someone someday and have their own lives. Me? Where will I be?

Alone.

I know what I want but.....can't see it.

Tad

[MrBond]

""Events" triggered my XW's MLC.
Her MLC or "event" triggered something in me."

It triggered your own MLC. I don't know if you realize it, but you've been in your own "crisis" for a long time.

"You are right MrBond. I still do resent her. I need to let go of that, but it is so damn hard. And....I know in my heart that forgiveness is the only way, but I'm still far from that. To me, forgiveness comes off as saying "Hey, no biggie. It's ok."

That's not what it means. For you, though, you're still wanting for her to suffer. To burn in h*ll. To suffer some agonizing, painful trauma that equals to what you believe you felt. Problem is that if she were to suffer something that bad, would you really be proud of it in the end? If she were paralyzed in a wheelchair, would you be dancing around her, pointing your finger and her and laughing? Would you be celebrating the fact that it's something that she 'deserved?

"My biggest fear right now is being alone. My boys will be marrying someone someday and have their own lives. Me? Where will I be?"

Alone. You got that right.

You will be alone unless you do something about it. You can't see it because you haven't taken the steps to do something about it.

[sunshinelewis]

All due respect Mr. Bond, what is one suppose to do to
NOT be alone? I go out with friends to eat, to Church, I mingle but all in all today is a electronic world. Everything seems yo be done on the internet.
People don't mingle as much in person. I don't feel like I should have to access the web to find a mate, just not me.
I hate when people make the comment....you need to date, find someone...lol yes it's not that easy greasy.
Being alone is not fun Tad. My son as u know has his own life and it gets pretty lonely at times. I try to keep busy and not think about it.
Only thing we'd can do is surround ourselves with friends, have confidence in ourselves, hold our heads up high and be the person we want to be. Nothing more attractive than a great personality full of confidence in ones self .


Hugs