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Oh lovely Bob, I didn't think you had forgotten me. Besides I have been keeping up with your switch and know you have a lot going on right now and sounds like you are coming to some new insights. I love the number of people you stop and send out your love and prayers to. You are so cherished and loved here Bob. It wouldnt be same without you!

JB xxx

Last edited by JellyB; 07/09/15 09:56 AM.
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Thank you Lady V, so much of what you say makes complete sense. I want to marinade in your words a little longer before I post my thoughts and feelings. Let the coming days bring more peace and healing for us both. Xxx JB

Last edited by JellyB; 07/09/15 10:04 AM.
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Hey JB! My hands are tied online, but picture a big "Welcome Home" banner from all of us at DB!

In regards to healing your wounded inner child...there is some truth to that, but there is a balance. I've been working on this for years, and since BD with more intensity. I have learned how I work in some ways, my personality tendencies, where some of this came from. I have learned ways to function a little bit more acceptably and effectively. And I am still having some of these conversations.

On the other hand I am reading a book called "The 9 fantasies that will ruin your life". Nearly done. Reading slowly I guess. Point is, one fantasy that I've been aware of is the idea that I'll change into someone that doesn't have lots of problems. The reality is this will never happen.

Accepting some tough realities are helpful for me. After BD I was really scared that I'll never have a "true love" again, or that I'll never have the M I want. You know what? I won't. Because the M I want, and the way I thought true love would work...mostly fantasy. The idea that somehow I'll turn into a person so worthy I can attract a partner that will make me feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and understood, and we'll love each other unconditionally, and our love for each other will be special and magical...mostly fantasy.

The reality is that I am a good guy that is real, with some strengths, and some quirks. I am worthy of a woman who is also real. I am capable of handling a relationship that is, too, real. That will have time where we feel understood, loved, and cherished, and times we feel frustrated, powerless, neglected, and lonely.

I guess what I'm saying is that acceptance of my divorce has been the easy part compared to accepting that life, love, and marriage don't work the way I wish they did. And as I've started accepting that, I feel better about myself. ***As long as I use whether I'm capable of attracting and retaining a perfect partner and achieving a perfectly fulfilling marriage to gauge my self worth I'll come up lacking***.

Now that I've figured that out, I realize while I'll always wrench on myself and continue to strive to be my best, I am already good enough, everything's fine, it isn't the way I wish it was, but it's all good.

And back to you, when I read your journey, I feel the same. I wish you success with your inner healing and personal growth, but make no mistake, that growth is for you and lifelong, not because there's anything off about the person you are at this moment.

Take care and again, good to hear from you.


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I'm feeling a little out of sorts this evening. I have been struck with pangs of missing ex. I think this has something to do with posting again and acknowledging my behaviour that lead to the ending of my relationship with ex.

I find my mind ruminating, asking myself time and again was it really all my fault, was I really that difficult to love and live with. I struggle at times with the thought of how poorly ex thinks of me and never being able to make this view right. I realised this is newcomer BD thinking, but I am stuck a little in this at the moment .

Guess this brings me Lady V to your comments on the three Rs. I know from conversations with my therapist, that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of offering myself compassion and forgiveness. when asked if I could have compassion for the small child (he thinks preverbal was probably the first trauma) . I really struggle with connecting to the compassion for this child. Rationally I can, but I feel so detached emotionally from her. It sounds so sad not being able to feel compassion for her. There are serious of hateful statements that come to the like of not deserving this compassion. God this stuff is so entrenched that at times I lack the faith that I can become a functional person in a healthy relationship.

What if my relationship, more my ex didn't have all the issues I thought he did, - the core one for me was his lack understanding and empathy for my emotional demons that make me who I am. I am scared that I turned a really great man and relationship into a bad one with all of my childhood issues. How do I forgive myself this?

Zues, your words resonate so much and your words in astrix completely encapsulates my value of a relationship in my life. I had this very conversation with my very first boyfriend who I met when I was 34 We lived together for a year together on and off for 4 years . I told him that recently I realised that I really do believe that if I just have the perfect relationship and be the perfect partner, then I would be happy content. My life has been goal focussed on this. I realised I just want to be loved to be happy. Hmmmmmmm this strategy is not working for me. I want to let this part of myself go. I want different more fulfilling goals, a more fulfilling life. It's gotta take the pressure off the man in my life to make me happy...time to be a grown up...don't you think!

Blessing to you all and have a good weekend!

JBxxx

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A reflection:
I was raised catholic attending both a catholic primary school and secondary school. My secondary school age 10-17years was all girls and the teaching staff were mostly women 2 males teachers. I am the middle child of three daughters. I am a social worker, which is female dominated, in my service there are three male social workers out of 35.

So why am I stating the above. My father for most if not all my life, was my only contact with a man. And he was absent due to his addiction to work and gambling, and when he was home took zero interest in his daughters and wife, except to critique their poor domestic skills.

I have had only two intimate committed relationships with men. The first at 35 and the second at 39.

My experience of men prior to my two relationships was either entirely nonexistent or untrustworthy.

It is somewhat humbling, heartwarming and reassuring to me then to read the posts of men on this board. I have never been exposed to committed loving men. Men who reflect and share emotion. I know that some of this reflection comes from loss, but it leaves me in awe of what men are capable of.

My life had made me fearful of men and their cacapcity to cause me pain.

Thank god I get read these posts, of husbands and fathers. May I be blessed to find myself such a man as those that are here.

JB. Xxxx

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Jellybean

It is ok, just to be. Whatever Jellybean was is not what she is.

Did you do what you could do? The answer is absolutely. The thinking that another can complete you and that if they understand you enough, love you enough that will make you whole. In actual fact it makes us hole! I think most of us start with that view, until we learn by experience.

Regrets are valuable as long as they are washed away. Jellybean you have had the benefit of two loves in your life, some never have any. There will be more love in your life to come, lots of it, I Internet promise.

This child will heal, the child has said I want to heal and is seeking and reaching out. Jellybean the past will heal as you recognise it. DB is healing you.

Can I ask Jellybean what purpose lack of compassion has for you?

It must have some value to you otherwise there would be compassion. I ask that because I too am a Catholic and I find I am harder on myself than I am on others. I am the eldest of three daughters with matched schooling to yours and nuns with bad habits.....

The sense of being unworthy comes with the strict but loving upbringing I had.

Jellybean you had the sadness of a compulsive father who you said was distant. I am glad you are seeing the loving men on the board as a counterbalance to your dad.

As you become more yourself, then have compassion for you.

Peace and calm

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 07/14/15 01:07 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey JB. Wow. What a story. No relationships until you were 35. You finally tentatively invite some men into your life and BLAM! Away they go. I can see why you could be troubled. That's not how the story books go. But your story isn't over yet either.

I'm glad we could boost your confidence in men. I understand exactly what you're saying. I will admit that I'm pretty numb in my heart in light of what I've been through. The idea of a woman in my life again triggers a pretty negative reaction, I can only picture reruns of the same train wreck. But I agree that getting to share this experience with others helps me maintain faith that down the road there may be some hope for a mature relationship.

Good to have you back on the boards.


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Yes Zues, for lots of reasons I hung onto the fairytale of the right man and giving yourself only to one. Somehow the years passed and I woke up being 30! I didn't quiet make it to being the 40 year old virgin. I am a romantic and idealist, which has left me lonely and with excessively high expectations. When your have talked about your own high expectations, maybe fantasies I get it. I am learning at 43 what most people learn in their mid twenties and 30's.

Lady V summed it up the best ^^^^^^^^^ up there. There are those famous lines in Jerry McGuire..."you complete me" and "you had me at hello". Both men I have loved, I felt exactly that way, and then at some point I didn't. The reality of being two flawed human beings manifested and the fairytales drifted away, but never my love for either of them. I love them both still. Hahaha the fantasy reigns! Lol

I remain hopeful that there is still some love out there for me, and special someone that truely gets me but loves me anyway. I joked with ex1 recently that I was likely to become the cats lady with no cats (allergic). Time will tell


Thanks for stopping by Zues. It means a lot xxxx Jelly

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Hey lovely Lady V, just read the emotional flooding post on the abuse thread. Yes! Yes! Yes! That one post has given a name to the "verbal meltdowns" I have experienced in both of my relationships. I feel less crazy now. I'm still pretty sure I am a undiagnosed high functioning BPD, but diagnosis shmonsis! My reading about BPD and DBT (a model of therapy I have been using) bodes well!

As for your question about compassion. I think I am so attached to the story of being unloveable and unworthy that I am not sure who I am without feeling bad about myself. People who love themselves and have good self confidence could never understand such a statement but it is what it is. I am however working on this just being and just accepting myself as I am. It is not a natural state.

PS I have been reluctant to put the BPD stuff out there as people are so judgemental of people with these behaviours, including me (the mothers I have worked with this disorder have been the most challenging in my career). But part of the self acceptance is owning the really negative behaviours I have engaged in that don't work for me.

Enough for now TMI..

XxxxJelly

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Jelly

From where I sit BPD doesn't sit right. I think it's more emotionally undeveloped, sort of like a plant that never flowered. From where I sit it seems that it's almost that you don't have the skill sets yet.

I note black and white thinking, a tendency to judgement of yourself and others and the to 'set' that judgement, a little like a young teenager.

I would like to go back to my plant analogy, some plants are sterile, they do not have the ability to flower, others just haven't had the nutrients to grow to flower. They have the ability, have beautiful flowers but need fertiliser, perhaps replanting and then they will flower. Beautifully.

BPD is a tough diagnosis and actually a whole range of disorders from drama queen (doesn't fit- you come across as calm), narc (doesn't fit- you have over quite a period related to a number of posters with compassion) and so on......

If I may say although of course I am no clinician, but I did live with a borderline. DBT is a version of CBT which can help with skills so would be good whether the diagnosis is right or wrong. You might like to explore Mentalism skills too modern version is NLP., have you looked at that?

A website I found useful was 'out of the fog' which is for the family and friends of those with the disorder. BPD usually have more Rs and more fragile Rs and are often codependent. I never believe these diagnosis are for life, like being a type 2 diabetic, diet and exercise can reduce type 2 to borderline type 2.....

It's always worth exploring this for your own sake and very brave indeed. Very proud of you at this moment as you consider recovery and self regulation.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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