The road less travelled....

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly - It is good to hear that you are on the mend. I also have had a talk to my IC about this shame thing. She brought this up to me and I suppose it will be another one of this week's topics of fun.

Take care! I look forward to "talking" with you again.

[Vanilla]

When you earn your next $5 I hope you see that I am praying for your fast recovery.

Hugs

V

[JellyB]

Hello Gorgeous Lady V! Thank you for stopping buy. I am home now so i have been sculking about here for a couple of weeks, while I recover further. Last of the stitches are out on Thursday, I am back at work on reduced hours, I have a ways to go with strength and stamina. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and standing or sitting for lengthy periods is uncomfortable. But other than this I am in good spirits.

Jounaling:
It seems like an age since I was here actively posting with yours and Zues encouragement. I feel like I have lost a significant train of thought. I feel so distanced from the person of the last few posts that happened before my operation. I feel free of my depression, and am off the antidepressants for sometime now. I feel that I am past the emotional devastation of the ending of my relationship with ex, and over the grief of his extremely cold and unfeeling ending of our life together.

There has been no contact between us since Easter when he asked that I no longer remain in contact with his 11 year old daughter. I have relented to his request, however 11 year olds mother at her suggestion has been happy to send me pics and updates via FB and while I was in hospital, I received a facebook message from 11 year old, saying that she missed me lots and wished me well. It was too cool. Her mother is aware that I worry about the impact of her remaining open to staying in contact with me, but she has assured me that "she is long past worrying about his (ex) reaction" and will handle whatever comes.

As for me and my DBing. Well I just feel confused at the moment. I feel so distanced from the person I was when I arrived here on the boards, and so distanced from the emotional pain of the ending of the relationship, that I am kinda at a loss of where to from here. What should I be feeling, doing?

I know in reality that there is still so much emotional work to be done. I think primarily my focus needs to be on building a more loving and accepting relationship with myself. There is much pain for me down this road.

Shame, fear, childhood trauma, and self hate all exist down this road. Right before my op, I had a Good Will Hunting moment. No sure if anyone recalls, the scene near the end when Matt Damon's character is sitting in Robin Williams office and they are discussing the physical abuse Matt Damon's character endured as a child/young person, and Robin Williams character, repeatedly states over and over again " it wasn't your fault". And Matt Damon's character breaks down. Well that exact same situation played out in my last session of therapy. My therapist said over and over again, "it wasn't your fault". (please note physical abuse was not the issue, emotional neglect/exposure to my father's compulsive gambling and my mother's mental health issues/ my parentification as a child)

Now as a social worker, I have a strong awareness of my childhood trauma issues and I have said to my own clients, those very same words. However there was something about those this time, that truly resonated. I feel that I have rationalised my childhood experiences. I have no ill will towards either of my parents. They did the best they could with what they knew. I feel sincere about this. I don't feel like a neglected or abused traumatised child.

But I am! She comes out in every intimate relationship. When my emotional attachment and investment is high, there she is acting out, seeking attention, validation, loved, security. I am at a loss as to how to heal her. Some of this is my fear of what I will find. Already there is a knowing that the legacy is a deep level of self hate and shame. Shame for not being lovable enough to be protected and cared for. Am I worthy of love and care?

V you once described me as having a "sweet sadness" I don't think I have ever been so aptly described in my life. This phrase V has resonated with me for months. I love life, I love people, I love people's capacity to give and be kind, and to laugh and share joy, and I have spent my whole adult life personal and professional supporting others to have all these things, but for some reason I don't fundamentally believe I am entitled to the joy and love and peace other people experience. So the sweet is that I get what a fabulous gift life is, the sadness, I don't feel entitled to it.

I guess I talk about this as I realise that I had a sweet life, most of the time with the ex, but gradually overtime, my sadness undermined any good there was. This needs to change.

Baby steps is what my brain responds when I say to myself it is time to let go of this sweet sadness.

I have rambled, but these are thoughts that have been circling my mind while I lay in my hospital bed. There is more , but too much to make sense of and to post right now.

Thanks V for stopping by! And thank you for your prays.

U-Turn, I so want to post on your thread, but I have no words or advice that would provide any relief. I can only say that I check in a read your thread and send you warm hugs from across the planet. U there is something in the way you write, that tells me, you get this "sweet sadness". I am not saying that you experience it, but that you get it.

Zues I read your thread too, and I have wanted to post, but don't feel particularly articulate to add anything. Gan's recent post and your response, WOW! nice to see smart insightful people getting each other . Please know Zues that your emotional world and vulnerability echos mine so strongly. I am in awe of your willingness to be vulnerable.

Anyway time for bed.

Blessings to you all

JB XXXX

[gan]

Nice to "see" you around Jelly! I'm especially glad to learn that you are on the up now health-wise. You ask what you should be feeling, doing. I think the answer is to just focus on just be-ing for a while. Sounds like you're working through things productively on the inside...and in time I think you will just know when the dust is settled and everything is in its right place. Sleep tight.

[u-turn]

Jelly - I'm so glad to hear that your recovery is going well. I hope for a 120% improvement for you.

Thanks for writing that up there. It's funny that I in no way think that I can help anyone around here with advice - I can offer support and try to do that, but sometimes feel bad that I am not really helping anything.

But then I think - I remember I got a "smiley face and good job" from Wonka before - it was a highlight in a very down time - I remember that even though it was probably 8 months ago.

I remember I got a - "good job, but next time...." from Starsky before - another highlight.
great words from so many. I value every line that has been written by everyone (way too many people to thank - though I try). Advice is great - but support is sometimes all that's needed (kind of like that validation thing I guess).

Sometimes I just look and see - wow, my thread's been read 1200 times, there are people out there that just care enough to keep up and read - that's support and relief to me too.

Just a hi, thinking of you is sometimes is a bright star on a dark night. I don't know if everyone feels that way (maybe others are just annoyed by a lack of advice), I don't really think there is too much advice that can be given in my case, but support is pretty cool. just how I feel.

I do get and maybe feel the sweet sadness too. Maybe this is similar (or maybe I am way off). I was at a wake for one of W's uncles about 8 months ago and I was amazed that there were people there that I haven't seen for maybe 15 years and they knew who I was and knew my name. Later, I commented to W that I thought this was amazing and loving - she didn't understand, she said that I treated them like that, why wouldn't I expect that from other people. I dropped it, but I guess I have felt that I owe others more than I deserve from them.

sorry for rambling.

But anyway - Hi Jelly, thinking of you
Take Care

[JellyB]

Thanks for the post Gan. Yes I think you maybe right, I am a hardcore human doer with regard to my need to fix myself or fix, help caretake for others. In the past until present day I have not been very comfortable with just be-ing. It's all a bit of a puzzle, I don't know where to start. Lol ridiculous comment in the context of discussing just Be-ing! Lol oh dear!

[JellyB]

After a lot of recent pondering and navel gazing I am beginning to wonder if I was actually a WAS who never actually left and pushed ex to the point of doing it for me. Does that make any sense? Hmmmmmmm?

[JellyB]

I do get and maybe feel the sweet sadness too. Maybe this is similar (or maybe I am way off). I was at a wake for one of W's uncles about 8 months ago and I was amazed that there were people there that I haven't seen for maybe 15 years and they knew who I was and knew my name. Later, I commented to W that I thought this was amazing and loving - she didn't understand, she said that I treated them like that, why wouldn't I expect that from other people. I dropped it, but I guess I have felt that I owe others more than I deserve from them

.

Yes U that is it! It plays itself out in life so subtly. My ex too didn't understand my view or experience. His self confidence would never let him believe he wasn't entitled to the respect and care of others. I on the other hand second guess others value of me all the time. Must be painfully exhausting trying to love someone who constantly feels like they don't deserve it.

JB xxx

[Vanilla]

Jelly,

Just wanted to chat through the sense of unreality or dream disconnect which comes across in your posts. The issues of childhood which are emerging.

I think a couple of significant incidents have happened in your recent past, firstly you have been unwell and faced your own limitations, a glimpse of mortality and surgery is a deeply difficult time. It's invasive and intrusive, with issues all of its own. Secondly you have had space and thought time, like it or not without distractions that is huge personal growth. A time to ponder, review and renew. To consider the past and set the future.

Truly childhood issues arise within us at these times, inadequate parenting in one aspect or another is the human condition. Not everyone is blessed with just good enough parents. We have to parent ourselves in adulthood, that is part of our job, to set boundaries for ourselves. To expose ourselves to growth, opportunity and to hold ourselves responsible for that which we do.

The fact that no other even our parents or spouse can satisfy our needs is self evident. Only we can know and do that for ourselves, plus we go that step further, we say is this a 'need' or a 'want'. In essence many of the things we need are really just wants and not deal breakers. To live with a parent who is an active gambler can be very destructive to a child and no doubt the interplay between mum and dad created difficulties as it must with compulsives. That was the hand you were given to play with. As an adult you have the choice to take the healing path.

You mention the sweet sadness and that it resonates for you as a description. The child within you emerges and you recognise that so sweet sadness will be one of your shadow characters. This tells you something that needs nurturing, it's helpful as a guide. It is part of you to embrace with love and to care for. In the same way I embrace screaming banshee, she tells me as she is emerging that my boundaries are breached, this warrior princess ready to defend my honor. Thank goodness she exists, and I thank my higher power. As she emerges I can put her on high alert and say, if I need you come but in the meanwhile stand guard. Be ready but don't screech. That is the role of sweet sadness, she tells you that as this precious child within you feels unworthy, this is a guide to nurture you.

You have the choice to say, this or that in unacceptable to me as choices I have made, these choices weren't worthy of the Jellybean I am today. I have regrets but I can forgive the Jellybean who was. To earn forgiveness we need three things, we need the three Rs, refraining from further bad actions, repenting for what we have done and restitution as far as possible unless to do so would cause harm. This applies to ourselves too, 12 steps tells me that forgiveness is about those that create the problem, it isn't about those harmed. The hardest step is repentance, in this we accept the harm done not because there are consequences although that is relevant, nor because it has been uncovered, we do so because we understand our actions were harmful.

Did WH get harmed by screaming banshee? I doubt it, he would just point and go "there told you ". The real harm was done by me to me. It wasn't nice or pleasant of me but truly damaging to WH? However I have atoned and repented as if it had been very harmful to WH. Now I do so for myself to forgive that Vanilla who behaved in that way because it is unacceptable to the Vanilla who is.

Jellybean can you truly forgive that earlier self and heal? That is the choice you make when you apply the three Rs. It is work to do and I can tell you it's healing work. Then there is the space to heal sweet sadness and her childhood and work on the issues dear Wonka calls FOO.

Your body and mind are healing well. Cherish that in your life be affirming. The journey begins again.

V

[Bob723]

Hi Jelly!

I just wanted to stop by and inform you that I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and I’m trying to catch up on your situation. I'm sorry it's been so long since I checked in on you.

Peace to you and may every day be better than the previous. Hang in there!

Your friend,

Bob