where do I begin?

[twinmom]

Thank you toots!

I noticed that when I am having a rough day with the kids or anything else is going wrong I tend to think about the negative stuff more. An overwhelming day with the kids turns into "hmmmmm must have been easy for OW to be so laid back and easy going SHE was only raising two kids and they could take care of themselves..... SHE didn't have twin toddlers and an infant all day"

I LOVE my children but during the affair H didn't give me ANY slack or understanding of the stress that comes with twin toddlers.

I guess when I start to have a bad day I start to think about how critical my H has been about me and try to justify in my mind I didn't do anything wrong.

Not thinking about all the double standards I had for the last few years has been my main goal. (It is ok for his family to drink but I can't have a glass of wine)
His dad went to rehab today (I think it's like the 8th or 9th time)

[TenBook]

Twinmom. I can't believe that you raised your 2 toddlers and an infant in such circumstances. I wish you strength.

That criticism is pure nonsense. He's just angry and "spewing", none of that is meant to be constructive (as in his mind). It's just spew. Spew borne of an angry man who is really angry at himself.

[Wonka]

Twin,

Have you ever thought about going away for a long weekend and leave kids for H to take care of by himself? He really needs to see what that really looks like for real.

[twinmom]

Twin,

Have you ever thought about going away for a long weekend and leave kids for H to take care of by himself? He really needs to see what that really looks like for real.

That's a wonderful idea! As soon as I am done nursing I think I will plan that. Lilly turns one in less than a month so maybe I will plan something for the end of July.

[zew]

Lilly turns one in less than a month

Seems like yesterday. Makes me realize how long we've been here.

But certainly not for naught. We've watched you become a momma bear who is now very sure of what you need.

[twinmom]

Lilly turns one in less than a month

Seems like yesterday. Makes me realize how long we've been here.

But certainly not for naught. We've watched you become a momma bear who is now very sure of what you need.

It does feel like yesterday. I often wonder about people like MDU.... How is she, why did she suddenly stop posting? There was also a man, can't remember the screen name, who has a son with autism. He was possibly moving. I haven't seen an update from him lately.
I know exactly what my struggles are but I am having a very hard time breaking bad habits and letting go.

We leave for Disney in 10 days and honestly I don't really want to go. I don't want tension to ruin the vacation and I don't know how to let go of some anger I have right now.

[twinmom]

my 180's that still need attention....

Letting go of past anger when I am upset about something else. Like yesterday, my oldest got in trouble at school. He STUPIDLY googled "condom on a stick" on a school computer. (Catholic school) ummmmmmm NOT the brightest thing to do kid! So I got a phone call from the principal and he got one day out of school suspension. I was upset and ALL the bad memories of H and his family judging my parenting came flooding back. I was emotional and angry/resentful at H even though yesterday's incident had NOTHING to do with him. It just brought back the bad memories. We didn't fight but I know I treated him differently yesterday.

[Sotto]

Hi Twin, I'm sorry to hear about your son - doubtless, he'll learn from that one! It's good that you recognise some of this and see where your train of thought goes - shifting to a time when you felt others were judging your parenting.

I guess the internal intervention would be good before the above crosses into anger and resentment at your H. It sounds like for you that when something challenging happens, instead of just dealing with that challenging thing as a stand alone item - this is what is happening and I need to respond today - it gets linked to past stuff.

I think we all get flashbacks of how awful it was at the time. I guess if we can recognise and process them as that and only that, we've pretty much cracked it. But it's a shame if we continue to let them colour new things that are happening today.

Twin, it sounds like you might benefit from some support on this. I cant recall, are you seeing an IC at all? Or might there be some reading you can do on this. Essentially, it seems to be about processing and managing to release some of the negative things from the past. You can't change the fact that they happened, but you can work on the fact that they cause you pain in the present.

Nothing else helpful to add I'm afraid - other than I'm sure you'll get there with persistence and patience.

(((Twin)))

[Painter]

I feel like I don't know how to put the bad memories side. The things he said, I don't know how to understand WHY he said things if he didn't mean it.

I know I still love him. I guess my problem is I am still trying to understand WHY the affair happened broken down into individual actions.
I think I have a hard time comprehending addiction and know that I have read addicts will lie, cheat, steal, do all kinds of crazy things for their addiction but do they really believe the lies they tell?

I have a hard time accepting that my H (in his mind) saw OW as this wonderful mother, GREAT person and overall had very few flaws. All while viewing me VERY negatively. And some of the things he viewed me negatively for she did and he was ok with. For example smoking, I would smoke randomly when I was stressed (NOT while pregnant) and OW smokes every day (She is pregnant now and I saw her smoking while driving)....

It's just torture to think about those kinds of things.

I guess I just want to find a way to make sure this doesn't happen again but I don't know how.

This is such a struggle! I felt like H was possessed by an alien when he was in the A, he treated me coldly, like he had absolutely no feelings for me, and devalued everything we had together. My jaw had rug burns from all the time spent on the floor after hearing his statements and realizing what he did.

For me, the best way to deal with things is to analyze and try to understand from a psychological POV. What most likely happened in my sitch, is that H's needs were not met, and instead of maturely presenting his needs and suggest MC or another way of growing in the relationship together, he reached out to get his needs gratified by someone else without too much effort. Which is easy in a new relationships, because they are so focused on pleasing the other person and forming a mutual admiration-club!

Any guilt he felt over having to lie to me and cheat on me in order to get what he craved, he had to defend himself against. He most likely did that through a defense mechanism called 'splitting' - where you see a person as only good or bad. I had to be seen as all bad, and OW as all good, in order for him to live with himself. That would also explain the 'different rules for different people' (in your case, the smoking). If it's consistent and across relationships, it would indicate a personality disorder. But it seems affairs can throw people into temporary insanity!

I agree that it's hard to trust that it won't happen again. I'm thinking that if we continue MC and I feel that H really changes - in his case that he starts talking about what he needs and addresses other issues - he should have different tools in the future to handle M problems. I hope. And pray.

Are the two of you in MC?

[Clairee]

I'm so glad Toots pointed me in your direction Twin. I feel like I could've written this myself. I know H is trying, but letting go of what he did is something I just can't seem to do. I totally get things happening today getting attached to the past. I find myself angry & it's usually over something so trivial. H took me to dinner when I visited a couple of weeks ago, he saw a buddy & left me sitting at the table. In a split second I went from being relaxed & enjoying the dinner to angry that 'I bet he didn't do that with her'. It was all I could do to bite my tongue & swallow the blood. I don't want to punish him especially over something I'm only speculating would or wouldn't have happened. Since they only met in person 1weekend & the rest was text/phone, they didn't even have dinner together. But it didn't stop my head from going there. Like I said on my thread earlier today, when I hear him tell me his excuses for it happening, all I want to do is yell I was lonely too you jacka$$! I seriously wish there was some magic button to push so I could let this go. My IC just keeps saying it takes time & is a process & that I have to practice patience & not beat myself up when these flashbacks or emotions happen.