Everything seems to be progressing forward in a good manner. 8 weeks ago, I would have constantly been wondering what is going on in her mind. What she was thinking? Me trying to mind-read to figure out what she was thinking and then having to ask if I was correct. Now, I just simply do not do that. A definite 180.
In my line of work, I get paid to deliver news to various audiences in a 'good' way. I get paid to make sure that people feel OK with news being delivered, even if it is bad news. I think some of the skills I have to use in my job bled over into my M. When talking with my W, I always made things seem fine. I always did everything I could to keep things where they did not impact her. Even if it was something she was responsible for, I would do everything I could to 'fix' the problem. I'm a fixer at my job, so I was the 'fixer' in our M.
I have noticed that I have a direct impact on the push and pull in any R in my life. DBing has allowed me to think of this in a clear manner. Sure, I always knew that I impacted relationships, but I have began to realize just how much too much push or too much pull can destroy a R.
I think, in my M, there was a pull away with my W, which I dealt with for quite some time. Then, I began pushing, and she pulled even more. I have to catch myself while talking to my W now when she is talking about problems at work, problems with friends, problems with family, etc. In the past, I would offer my opinions on how she could fix it. Now, I don't offer that advice unless specifically asked by her (which is never). She has a problem at work? I understand why you would feel that way, etc., validate her feelings. It is amazing how doing something like that leads to her opening up.
It may be a placebo effect. It may simply be because I am grasping at straws. However, in my mind, our interactions are better. I feel like she is more open to communicating with me and I am more open to listening. Maybe that is the difference, the way that I listen. Again, DBing is focused on doing things to change ourselves. By changing the way I approach our conversations, it feels as though our conversations and interactions are better. Again, I'm not saying that we are in the clear and everything is A-OK. I'm only saying that by changing the way I approach conversation with my W (rather than focus on how I can help, I focus only on listening and validating), it changes the expectations I have during that conversation.
Again, I am focusing only on myself.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
Had a really great weekend with the W, our children, and our families. We had my Ds birthday party this weekend and both out of parents came up to visit and attend the party. Everything went very good and everyone had a really good time.
On Saturday afternoon, we were sitting around and my W had been invited to an softball alumni event at the college we attended. She had said she wanted to go, but it was difficult with all of our families there. She told me she was just going to take a nap, when, normally I would have just said OK. I went in to our room and suggested that she could nap on the ride to the campus (about 30-40 minutes away from where we live now) and we could go just stay for a few hours and then meet our family for dinner. She was very excited when I suggested this and jumped out of bed and got ready to go. I want to stress that my suggestion was neither controlling nor forceful. I just simply stated, "If you still want to go to your alumni event, I will drive us there and you can nap on the way. Our families can stay at the house with the kids and play and we can meet them later to eat."
We watched the game and then drove around campus and town reminiscing about old times. It's funny, because 2 months ago, I would have just been perfectly fine with her taking a nap and hanging out with our families and our children. However, doing a 180, I suggested that our families could keep the kids and we could go. We had a great time and my W stated on our way back to the house that she was very happy that we went.
We had a great dinner with both of our families and went back to the house for the evening. We kissed for a while before bed but nothing more. She told me she was tired. I reciprocated those feelings. In the past, I would have been a tad bit disappointed that things did not go any further. However, I was just happy to spend time with my W. I had a great time.
I woke up early Sunday and went for a run. It was funny because I was consciously thinking about the night before and how, even 2 months ago, I would have been disappointed that things did not progress any further. Now, I was happy with spending any time with my wife. I realized that my actions towards my wife directly impact her feelings towards me (breaking news, I now know).
We got up and went and ate breakfast with our families. Me and the W then went to the store to pick-up a pool for our kids for the summer. We got a fairly nice sized 10 foot round above ground pool that we put together. All of our family left around noon and our kids took a nap fairly quickly after they left. All week (and this past weekend), my W has been acting more and more physical towards me and affectionate. Simple things like grabbing my hand, just randomly telling me she loves me, you know, the mushy stuff.
We enjoyed each others company while the kids napped and soaked up some sun. I feel like things are continuing to progress in a positive manner. I feel like I am progressing in a positive manner. I feel like I am becoming a more desirable partner, the type of partner that I know I am.
I will keep on keeping on at this point in time. I'm not saying that I have not had a wild swing of emotions this past week. I have had to catch myself not trying to mind-read. I have had to catch myself just taking things as they are. I have had to work on improving my reactions and interactions with my W. It's a hard, difficult process, but it has shown good results so far.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
