Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 11 12
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
oh - and i called DB coach. still deciding. bad afternoon.

school visited in proposed relocation area - problematic. in fact proposed area problematic. this is the "agreed" upon compromise. SO - best case scenario looks like I am going to cave and live 1.5-2 hours from my work, family etc. on "wrong" side of town. to have 50/50 custody of kids avoiding court because W won't compromise on location and I am pretty confident that in the absence of any good reason, court will award custody to W.

2nd. House was a mess as usual when I came in for my tag-team week. Girls living in family home and we go in and out. My W will leave the house without having ever cleaned the floors.

3rd. last but not least. d4 was telling me about the different R's in our family. grandparents etc. Then she said Mummy spends a lot of time w OM. blah blah. One day i saw them and he was biting Mummy all over her body. Lovely bedtime stories!


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: Smothy
Originally Posted By: Winhamn
Hope is dangerous. Very dangerous.



I feel that hope is keeping me at this spot of not moving forward, that's why like Pyrite I think I need to jump and abandon the hope of me saving the M.


Please read or re read the DB books. GAL is mandatory to Detaching and Detaching is mandatory to peace of mind. It is NOT "Giving up", it's moving forward and the difference is not merely semantics.

You need to stop the obsessive thoughts and the "loop de loop" of "WHAT IF/WHERE IS SHE?""

and the totally unsatisfactory experience of always asking WHY? WHY? WHY?
I should know, I wasted a year of my life asking that question. I still don't think my own h knows why. More important, what answer would have been "good" for me to hear? There's no way I will ever be able to wrap my brain around my h's choices then.

But here's a TIP: You CAN manage to stay married and be happy, without always understanding why our spouse did something. But you need to stop asking b/c that takes the focus off of your own work. Accept that you may never understand exactly why she is making her choices OR that the reasons for it are too painful to see on your end.

What matters is how you cope with all of that.


And the ONLY way I know how to do that, is by GAL. This can include a lot of prayer too, but it's for sure going to require movement on your end.

Not stagnation. Don't confuse standing still (or wallowing in pain) with Standing for your marriage.

That tends to stall growth AND ironically leads to the end of marriages prematurely.

Meaning, if you GAL for real,


then you will begin to ENJOY YOUR LIFE and that makes all of this DBing a heck of lot easier.

Make sense?

I need to stop the suffering that hope is giving me as Hope keeps me too attached. For our own sanity we need to detach and let go fully. I am finding this more difficult as I move towards the date of returning to the UK.


I don't know your thread well enough to know why returning to the UK will make it harder to detach.

Will you have more contact with her? It is home for you?

Regardless, you MUST begin to GAL asap. What can you do this Month?

h. List a few hobbies or interests of yours, or classes you'd like to take or a sport you want to play or coach
or a charity you could volunteer for, or a political organization, and get in good physical shape.

If you are a man of faith, check out your local church or make an appointment with a minister or priest (they're FREE!!)

There are tremendous resources in our world now. Even someone off the coast of Alaska can get online or the phone.

Avail yourself of the resources asap.

And begin to heal yourself. Good luck, keep on keeping on.

((Sorry for the hijack Pyrite))


Sorry, Pyrite too

Thank you for this advice. I am 'she'. I will try and answer some of your questions, firstly I have not seen H for 6 months, H served me D papers when I was here. We share a house together.

I finally got DR and DB books today! It has only taken @ 5 weeks. The country I am in is very difficult to do these things because of language, not always safe for a foreign female to be on their own.

here some of the things that I have done/ doing since starting this thread;


IC, weekly (via Skype)
DB too but not weekly
journaling
Searching on internet on self improvement
Reading up on self improvement books on how to Love myself, codependent no more.
Going out with co- workers at least twice each week
Become friends with people I see regularly at the places the international team go to, but language still a big issue
Started going out to concerts, theatres and shows (not in English!)
Been asked out and pursued by several men which I have enjoyed flirting with and drinks but no more
Speaking to friends and family regularly but usually only happens at weekends due to time difference and friends work commitments
Organising my move to my new job.
Learning a new language
Opened new accounts and separated finances

I have already joined some meet up groups in the UK in readiness for when I get back home.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 173
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
AND PLEASE Attach zero expectations from her. Don't look for her to raise her eyebrows and then read into it or if she turns from you don't assume anything.


What a terrific quote. That really helps me understand when I'm pursuing or pressuring my WAW.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Originally Posted By: Pyrite

3rd. last but not least. d4 was telling me about the different R's in our family. grandparents etc. Then she said Mummy spends a lot of time w OM. blah blah. One day i saw them and he was biting Mummy all over her body. Lovely bedtime stories!


I legitimately had to ask her about mothers day. I casually (unemotionally) also asked her to be discrete around the kids. I don't think this was unreasonable do you ?


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
Mi casa, su casa smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
More emails. She denies it. 4 year old must be confused she reckons. Anxious to sell house. Our last communication on the subject I said "house needs fixing first. I would like to know how you can contribute to this." So she goes ahead and calls agent.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
I am not "burning bridges" Zeus - I am just sick of holding the door open for a woman who HAS not treated me as a H for many years. I acknowledge what I did in full but that does not change or excuse how she has behaved for years, and absolutely how she has behaved in last several months.

One door closes and another one opens.

Originally Posted By: Zeus
Z: It doesn't matter. YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AND IT CAN'T CONTROL YOU.


I agree.

Originally Posted By: Zeus

There is nothing you can do to control the outcome.


I agree.

Originally Posted By: Zeus

And that fact shouldn't control what you choose to do from here.


I dont agree entirely. Our behaviour is always to achieve a desired outcome. This is cause and effect. its how the world works - in everything.

I think more specifically to the case in point, whether I can control the outcome or not, my behaviour SHOULD be to make the best possible Py. So what I am "saying" is detach from the outcome.

"saying" because: -

Originally Posted By: Zeus
I really think you're overcomplicating this and deceiving yourself. What I really hear coming through is "This hurts so much, I wish I had my M back, but wanting something I can't have hurts, so I don't want to keep wanting it unless I think there's a good chance I can have it, so either I need to see some reason to think there's a chance, or I need to stop wanting it,
"but I'm having trouble not wanting it anymore, so maybe if I give up that will substitute for detaching..."



Basically true. Maybe I am substituting but this is not my intention. I am seeing it as part of detaching. Detaching from my W, detaching from the situation, detaching from the outcome.

Is this unreasonable?

Originally Posted By: Zeus
Stay the course. You will detach. It takes time. There are no short cuts. It's a long painful road. Most people can't handle that road. Your W couldn't. But the people that do choose that path not because they want to, but because it's who they are. Who are you going to be?


I don't have a choice do I? I can't just choose to ignore this? I dont know, but I dont think there is any going backwards. Even if I stepped out today, the rest of my life would still be set by what has happened thus far. Maybe that is "who we are" to begin with. I know for me my conscience screams at me, or at least is very loud. I can't even lie on a form.

maybe that is part of the problem. my conscience did curse me the last few years for how I treated my W. Then I felt more depressed. I needed reassurance more. My W didn't want to play anymore. I resented her. I got more depressed. My conscience screamed at me........

I needed reassurance - is I think where the loop stands out as needing to be killed

Selling the house is a BIG issue for me incase you haven't noticed frown


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
P
Pyrite Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,014
This is all making me feel sick again. I'm going for a walk.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
Take care, Pyrite, good to take a breather.

We are stuck in a loop, but it is up to us to stay on the road that Zues talk about for ourselves.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever done, learning about myself, learning to let go and move forward.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Py- did you read my post today (I posted it recently on Bob's and Ten's thread) about where detachment comes from? About needs?

Read through Bob's thread, I explained it a bit better. Get back to me on what you think. Thanks.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Page 4 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard