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Badger1 Offline OP
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Oh yeah, one more fun tid-bit. She really didn't like it when I told her that should we get divorced, I would stop loving her. She just couldn't understand that. I just said, I won't be able to, I'll have to move on.

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Now you must

G

A

L

Do not pursue. Do not pursue. Do not pursue.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
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Badger1 Offline OP
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So I'm struggling today. I'm back at work, missing my D's even though I'll see them tonight as it will be a normal night.

I won't pursue, but I am contemplating more than ever just filing. I can't take this limbo a whole lot longer. At some point the D's will notice that there is no affection in our house (between the W and me). They shouldn't think that's okay.

The loneliness, rejection and lack of any affection hurt, I'm just trying to pull further back.

Is there anyone on this board that this has actually worked for? And, what does "worked" look like?

As a side note, my W was sexually abused as a child, I don't think that has been fully resolved and I don't believe she has any interest in trying to further heal. So, even if this does "work" aren't I just setting myself up for a similar incident in the coming months, years?

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oooooo

It just got complicated.

I was sexually abused as a child. There are many many marital side affects. My destroyed marriage is absolutely a result of my emotional deficiencies left over from the abuse.

I really really think that following the LRT may not be the right move for you. You are going to tweak out her fear of rejection, her fear of abandonment.

There are some really good books out there for spouses of sexual abuse victims. You might consider reading one or two of those before you make any decisions.

You are in a situation where you REALLY have to understand that you can't fix her.

Healing only occurs in the context of a relationship though. You can be with her, but she has to choose to heal.

I did not acknowledge my abuse until I was in my early 30's. However, when I acknowledged my abuse, I did not truly deal with it.

A few years later, I'm watching my life fall apart around me, in every way shape and form, and I've only just now realized the extent to which my abuse has formed my life.

I tell this to you to make the point that many people keep their abuse secret for a very long time. And personally, when I finally choose to reveal the secret, I thought that was the end of it. I realize now, that is only the first step.

And it is common for many years to pass between healing steps.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 34
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Badger1 Offline OP
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Winhamm thanks.

Her greatest issue is that she wants to have sex (she says) but not with me. I wonder if at some point I triggered something and it will just always be a blocker for her.

I also wonder if for her, she thinks divorce is easier than dealing with whatever this might be (or if she even realizes it).

I'm surely not going to bring it up.

But, since she's done this twice in 5 years, and at least at this point she's not willing to even consider counseling (either on her own or together), if I'm not better off just cutting bait. It's now a pattern. Become disillusioned with husband, seek something from OM.

It's appearing ever clearer to me that she needs to rely on someone else to make her happy to fulfill her and she doesn't want (or think) I'm that person. My thinking is that perhaps no one will ever be able to fill that void for her and I risk a lifetime of unhappiness should we stay together.

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You are making absolutely valid arguments and observations.

I think you are right on track thinking she has a void in her that only she can heal, but she's trying to find someone else to heal it.

Yes it probably is a pattern. It will probably continue in some form.

Again, I would encourage you to read some books on being married to a survivor of sexual abuse. I have some sitting around, you are welcome to them if you like. PM me your address.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, but this is a life changing decision and I think you should be well informed about the specific nuances of dealing with someone who was sexually abused.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 34
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Badger1 Offline OP
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Winhamm, do you mind just posting the names of the books here. Amazon Prime works wonderfully for me.

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Haunted Marriage (entire book devoted to the subject)

The Courage to Heal (has a section on partners)

Those are the ones I have stashed at work. I have to admit I have not read them yet.

I have a number of others, however they are all focused on male survivors of abuse (cause I'm a dude). I'm sure their are other good books that would focus on partners of women survivors.

You may want to be discrete about this. It's hard to imagine what her reaction might be to finding you reading about this. She may rebel hard against the insinuation that she is "broken" or "different" (because, that is EXACTLY how she feels and she will resent that you see it too).


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
D8, S5, D2
T:16, M:9
BD + D: 4/3/2015
EA Confirmed 5/6/2015
Separation under the same roof
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 34
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Badger1 Offline OP
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Thanks Winhamm. Yes, I know to be discrete. I went there on this subject 6 years ago. I think these books will only be helpful, if she wants to reconcile and if she has an interest in me reading them.

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Badger.

Sexual abuse needs to be dealt with therapy.

Has she done any?

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