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Originally Posted By: sandi2
And gentlemen, may I just say one more thing. All cheaters lie. I have yet to read a post where the H asks the W (the first time) if there is another guy.....and she's completely honest with him (if there is a third party).

So just b/c you asked her and she said "no"........doesn't mean a thing!

Except that she lied to you again.


I also need to say that WAW or WW or MLC does not matter to the LBS, our actions are the same:

DETACH, GAL, make ourselves into a person that only a fool would leave.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/04/15 12:07 PM.

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Thanks Sandi.

She stopped wearing her wedding ring after she filed and when I asked her if there was someone else, she responded that I did not have a right to ask her. The only sign I have that there maybe someone is she is always texting and very protective of her phone. Maybe I am in blind denial???? I moved out after the filling.

Is it a good idea not to respond to her texts and ignore her phone calls? Or just connect when she reaches out (we have two young children).

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provett Offline OP
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Do most WAW go through the journey of loss and regret that has been described her as having a baby? I think I have got the message that they do it sooner if left alone as in Sandi's 37 steps. Reason I ask, she does not seem to me to be in that much distress since all of this has started.

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Have you read DB or DR yet? That is what you should be following instead.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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provett Offline OP
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Yes, I got DB back in December. The reason Sandi's posts are so popular, they address specific actions vs concepts. I have read six or so books, I get the macro idea, but how to deal with what I am seeing as it is specific to me. Is it normal for wife to not wear ring after papers are filed, is this just further proof that she emotionally checked out of the marriage months or years ago as o have suspected?

What is the most eye opening about his whole experience is the common denominator in the WAW actions that have been documented in there threads.

The most untapped need that I see is specific actions in specific circumstances, as being so close to the relationship and the emotions easily block the clarity needed by a third party.

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Quote:
I asked her if there was someone else, she responded that I did not have a right to ask her. The only sign I have that there maybe someone is she is always texting and very protective of her phone. Maybe I am in blind denial????


These are signs that that there is an extremely high probability that there is someone else that is supporting her in a EA or PA.

I'm sorry, but you'll need to prepare yourself for this.

You have my thoughts, support, and sympathy.


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Originally Posted By: provett
The most untapped need that I see is specific actions in specific circumstances, as being so close to the relationship and the emotions easily block the clarity needed by a third party.


I agree with that wholeheartedly.

It's so hard to see clearly through all the crazy emotions, the insecurity, the fear, the panic. Ugh.


Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34
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Mr. Bond is right, the first thing to do is read DR or DB, if you haven't yet.

Quote:
She stopped wearing her wedding ring after she filed and when I asked her if there was someone else, she responded that I did not have a right to ask her. The only sign I have that there maybe someone is she is always texting and very protective of her phone. Maybe I am in blind denial????


My first thought would normally be that you are in denial, however, all you've really told us was that you were emotionally abusive. If you will give us your story, then it will help us have a better overall picture and we can give you more precise advice.

Quote:
Do most WAW go through the journey of loss and regret that has been described her as having a baby? I think I have got the message that they do it sooner if left alone as in Sandi's 37 steps. Reason I ask, she does not seem to me to be in that much distress since all of this has started.


I believe I used that analogy to explain the process in piecing the M back together, or as some men refer to what it takes for their "old" wife to return. Unfortunately, some do not find their way back to the M and they move on to another life and another man. I want to believe that most people who are honest with themselves and know they caused a lot of pain for someone who loved them, surely has as at least a twinge of regret for their bad behavior....at some point before they die. Even if that were true, every person does not make a decision based on their regret, they just live with it. Sometimes it's too late when they finally come to terms and face the fact they made a really bad decision. However, they may never admit it to another soul. And, let's face it, some marry another man and seem happy with him and never regret leaving the first M. We just have no way of knowing if every person does or not. What you need to decide for yourself is -- do you wait around for her to hopefully feel regret some day, or see her suffer consequences of her bad decisions? Would that help your feelings or encourage you that there may be hope for reconciliation?

What newcomers need to understand is that no two couples are exactly alike in this process. Their timing is not going to be the same. One H may do all the right moves, and his WW faces particular loses and/or consequences, and eventually she regrets her actions and finally wants to work on her M. Perhaps they will be reconciled much sooner than another couple, but it still depends on the people....their actions....and timing. It still takes more time than the newcomer dreams it will take, upon first arriving here.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Quote:
Is it normal for wife to not wear ring after papers are filed, is this just further proof that she emotionally checked out of the marriage months or years ago as o have suspected?


Based on posts here on the board, it is common, yes. I believe it is her way of making a definite statement that she is done with this marriage. She wants you to get the message, as well as others.

Quote:
What is the most eye opening about his whole experience is the common denominator in the WAW actions that have been documented in there threads.


I would say the common denominator is the W hiding an A from her unsuspecting H.





Last edited by sandi2; 05/04/15 05:43 PM.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sorry, forgot to respond to this question.

Quote:
Is it a good idea not to respond to her texts and ignore her phone calls? Or just connect when she reaches out (we have two young children).


If it is not about the kids or something unusually important, I would suggest you be very cautious about responding. She dumped you. Why would you respond to her reaching out? If she is a WW, she will not see it as attractive. She hasn't had time to really experience life without you, nor go through the process. What most men see as the W "reaching out" is really her checking to see if he is still invested emotionally. Once she is satisfied, she will suddenly pull away.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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