Hello, I am three months from my divorce date and have read all of Sandi2's threads on WW, but my wife separated due to what I will admit is 70% my fault 30% mine. I was controlling and emotionally abusive. In the last eight months I have done more 180 than I thought possible. Wife says she is not in a A, what to do as this seems to be a WAW.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
As Cadet wrote, I'm so sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. I've been on the forum since Christmas Day and I'm in a similar situation as you.
Not too long ago, I believe it was Cadet, or Sandi in someone else's thread, who wrote there really isn't much difference between a WAW (mine) and a WW. A WAW is also a WW.
So, to answer your question, I don't think there is a thread on WAW vs WW.
Let's see what the vets on this board have to say.
May I make a suggestion? Setup a "signature" when you have time. An example is what you'll see at the end of my post. It helps people who are new to your situation catch up rather quickly.
I will send out a prayer for you today. I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You can set up a signature after you are off moderation. Not yet.
Keep Posting.
provett and Cadet,
Sorry, I forgot about that.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You said you read my thread on the subject. In my first post on the thread about the WW, I explained what I believe to be the major difference. To my knowledge, there are no other threads about WAW vs WW. It's possible, even probable (based on the vast amount of threads on the board) that a WAW is wayward. However, there are a few WAW'S who are not wayward. IMO, it is important to understand the difference, whether you are receiving or giving the advice.
There are those wives who have suffered abuse who leave the M. That does not make them wayward. I believe there are actually some wives who leave a M without a wayward thought or feeling in their body. Michele gives a description on the home page about a WAW. It does not bring abuse into the article, nor does mention any wayward behavior on the part of that WAW in her article.
The majority of our newcomers have a wayward spouse, but certainly not every single one. When the person giving advice comes from a marriage with a WAS......but no waywardness, then their advice is usually going to have a different tone from the person who has experienced waywardness in the M. That is not a criticism, it is an honest observation I have made over the past eight years. They are usually the more inspirational and encouraging type of posts/advice that a discouraged newcomer welcomes.
I believe a person who has had the personal experience of being a wayward or closely connected (such as their souse) and come through it.....is going to give a "tougher" (for lack of a better word) approach to the newcomers. Every wayward person who I have witnessed posting in the past, has that same brutally direct advice. Again, this is not meant to be criticism toward any one person. I only say this as an attempt to answer your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well said! Thank you for clearing that up for our newcomer provett, and refreshing my memory, too.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I think the heart of the question, is how exactly should one approach a non-wayward WAS?
The way to approach a wayward is well documented, sandi's thread being the prime example. However, that thread states many times "this advice is for waywards, walk aways are different..." but never elaborates!
Me: 35 Her (WAW): 34 D8, S5, D2 T:16, M:9 BD + D: 4/3/2015 EA Confirmed 5/6/2015 Separation under the same roof
Most of these questions were discussed in my threads about the WW/WAW.
If she has no waywardness, that would cause me to think the bulk of the problems in the MR came from the H. In some cases, it could be years of dealing with emotional stress without replenishing her needs. People need good things to balance the bad stuff in their life. Today's young families are spread so thin trying to have it all while raising kids. At the end of the day, it is the couple's intimate needs/ interrelationship that suffers.
The approach is about the same. Following the 37 rules, for example, applies to most cases. The most important step is backing off and giving her space. Everything feels like pressure to her. Do not pursue her, whatsoever. Just leave her alone and really go to work improving/changing those issues she had with you. But she needs time, and most guys want to start "showing" her his changes in about a week! That's just funny, b/c it takes longer to really change.
The principles Michele teaches in Divorce Remedy applies to the WAS. She does have chapters on infidelity and midlife crisis.
If your W is wayward in her heart, or outwardly displaying acts of waywardness, then she has already left the M emotionally and mentally. If there is a third party involved, the LBH must take a much tougher approach with his W. I have been saden to discover how many men are afraid to take this bolder action.
Anyway, if you are confident there are no signs of waywardness, begin applying Michele's basic principles. The WAW needs to believe the M will be much better than when she left it. That does not happen over night, nor does it come about with your lip service. Know what I mean? Your words are useless. It's your actions that will convince her.
And gentlemen, may I just say one more thing. All cheaters lie. I have yet to read a post where the H asks the W (the first time) if there is another guy.....and she's completely honest with him (if there is a third party). So just b/c you asked her and she said "no"........doesn't mean a thing!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
