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I too am very happy for you!


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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Zues,

I am so happy for you, too! What an amazing example you are for all of us.

I really loved what you wrote in a recent post:

"I personally don't think her POV will change, but who knows. I'm just glad it's not occupying my thoughts!"

If my M is not DB'd, I pray that I can have an attitude like you.

Again, I'm really happy for you and proud of you.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
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I come back to this tread because I feel I need to read of someone who has come a far way from where I am at the moment.

Even though I know I've gone through heartbreak before and not only been ok, but great, it's so hard to keep that thought present so just reading this helps a little bit.

Thanks! Happy for you!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 556
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Fantastic! You have given me some really good input from your own personal growth and it gave me thoughts for reflection.

I would love to be where you are by the end of 2015.


Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18
EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13
Move to work abroad Sept 14
re establish contact with OW while away
D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15

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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thanks Smothy.

I've been posting everywhere but here. Gans thread, JB's, yours, Py's, etc.

One thing I just mentioned has to do with my feelings of self worth. I feel my personal self worth is very good right now, but what I feel I am worth to a woman is very low.

Like if you loved a certain movie that you'd tried to share with several different friends and everyone else hated it, and it got horrible reviews. You still like the movie, but you learn that no one else really does.

There was an exchange where Lisa B said "it would help if he was hot and good at sex" and Jelly B agreed. What's strange is my immediate reaction was "hmmm, that rules me out, I'm not attractive and would probably be a disappointment for them in bed".

What's strange is that unlike my movie example, I don't know that I've gotten a ton of negative feedback. It's more like I've been afraid to share that movie with anyone else because I'm afraid of a negative reaction. And as for the last part, I have no reason to think I'm unattractive, or to think I couldn't make a woman very happy. The frustrating part is I think in my head that I would be an absolutely fantastic partner because I am sensitive, loving, loyal, smart, funny, open, honest, gifted, and accepting...however somehow in my heart I feel like I have some flaw that once women see who I really am they will cut bait.

To be fair, because of my fears and introverted nature I have only been with two women (both of whom pursued me initially, then cheated and broke it off at the end), but I have always been repulsed with the idea of playing the field or sewing my oats. I really just want one woman in my life. So I've basically had minimal contact with other woman except for the two relationships I had, I'm not out seeking or achieving a lot of affirmation from women. Neither had any negative feedback about my looks or performance. However, I can see that if I am convinced of my low worth (and need constant reassurance that I'm good enough) that can be picked up on and devalue me to women, or to my partner, who could then actually start to agree with my negative self assessment.

I'm not really sure how to change that, or even if I really need to. If it requires me to go on lots of dates and hook up with a number of women I am not really interested. I understand that would 'work' as I am in sales, and I know how confidence builds as you 'close more deals'. But I don't want to close a lot of deals. Personally I would rather just try online dating, wait until I find someone that would rather share openly and honestly who they are and what they want, as well as their beliefs. And then be prepared to do a better job so that my insecurities don't translate into destructive behavior. What I'd need is a woman that can understand my battle and not FIX me, but simply be my partner and support me as I continue to do great things in my life for the both of us.

This is where I am on May 3. So yes, I am personally doing quite well. Thanks for the kind words.

So the question- is there another way to build confidence in your value to a member of the opposite sex without trying to become a playboy? If not, is there something wrong with the path I would then choose above?

This isn't a firm plan, I'm a long way out from taking any action as I am M and am nowhere close to ready. But this is part of my journey to get there.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Apr 2015
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Zeus,

I think that is something you have to build within your self and not through outside affirmations. I deal with the same issues sometimes. When I met my H, with self worth was at a high, but then I let my self esteem start to dip and self doubts start to sabatoge my M through my actions. I let criticism from my H and the fact that I gained weight start to eat away at me and fear that my H was starting to see the real me and would reject me. That is partially why I started to pull away from my H. Protection mode. This is one of the areas that I have been working on.

I am reading a book called, Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, by Marilyn Sorensen. I would not say my self esteem is super so, but on the lower to moderate side. It also ebbs and flows. It has really helped my understand why I did some of the things I did in my M. I think my H has some of this too, but we tend to attract people with the same issues I think. There is a workbook you can buy too.

You might want to check out a TED Talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. I think it might be relevant.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Hi BW05.

Try a book called Homecoming. It's about your "inner child". I'd recommend the audible.com version.

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Thanks guys. You know, I'm ok. I think all the DBing is making me surprisingly more confident. Like the 'two wolves' parable says, I've been feeding the right wolf lately. So when I have doubts about who I am and what I bring, it's easier to laugh at those doubts because I'm very proud of what I've been doing. Working on myself, working on R skills, being committed to making my M with my spouse #1, and demonstrating the character needed to stand for my M through what could only be the "for worse".

When I was medicating with porn, exhibiting destructive behavior that diminished my partner and left her unfulfilled, was completely out of balance with my job and hobbies, and was a distant father...well, those thoughts hurt me much more. Now I'm like 'meh, I may not be the life of the party, but I'll make some girl's day.' So while I'm not the guy that will be in the middle of a group of women at the dance floor, I will be strong enough to be a leader in my household and strong enough for my future W to feel safe and protected.

After realizing that it made me motivated to do even more. No, you can't fill a bottomless hole with achievement, been there and got the shirt. But when you take healthy steps it does make you feel better. I'm a big believer in the power of goals, so I did something I've been meaning to for a while. I wrote out a list of the goals I want to accomplish. It's not an A+ (not all are specific, measurable, or have a finish date, etc.) but it was a step. Sometimes the first step is the hardest. So here they are:

1. Pray. Be appreciative for what I have every day.
2. Be an awesome dad (I told you they were too vague).
3. Kick ass at work.
4. Exercise 3+ times weekly. I'm about 20 pounds off.
5. Get organized. My STBX handled the finances and kept the place up. I haven't developed the best habits yet, and I still have stuff in my room to unpack/store from 12/1. Once I got the kids room and living room set I lost my momentum. I want to turn this place into a man lair, and while I am in no danger of another woman seeing the inside of my bedroom, I'd like it to represent me well (the way you might wear nice underwear even when you don't intend to show them off).
6. Stay on top of my pool game so I don't backslide from what I worked so hard for.
7. KEEP GROWING.

So today I exercised, I got a hair cut, went grocery shopping for the kids when they come tomorrow and this weekend, did my laundry, and I will be knocking out a few hours of work for my job this evening so I am a step ahead on the week. I also cleaned the kitchen, got rid of some old boxes that I didn't need, etc. Oh, I also got a massage. Just a touch of self care as a reward for a productive day off.

Last rambling topic for the post, this forum has wet my thirst to meet someone new. As you all can see this last month I've been on a bit of a posting binge. I think it's because some of you have said some nice things to me, and it has met some of my emotional needs because that makes me feel liked, valuable, understood, etc. It has made me realize how nice those things are, and I do look forward to the day that I can have more of those things with one special person.

But then I see that I'm still a ways out. Obviously I'm married, but even after that changes...I am still a bit jaded. I feel like if a woman expressed interest I would feel the need to put her in a police interrogation room with bright lights and trying to see if she would break:

"Which of your friends have gotten divorced? Did you feel it was justified? Why or why not? How did your last R end? Did you leave or did he? Have you ever cheated on your partner? What do you feel are appropriate boundaries between you and members of the opposite sex? If you feel stuck in a M and like you'll never be happy if you don't leave, how would you handle that? What examples can you cite from your personal life to back that up?"

I wish DB coaches had a dating service. If someone worked with a DB coach for 2 years and the M couldn't be saved, they would compare notes and make recommendations. At least then I'd feel like I was fishing in the right pond. But again, all of this will change, that's why I'm glad I have time.

And of course, while the thought of trying to piece my M back together if STBX ever opened that door is truly scary at this point (ALL I can see are problems and broken parts), I believe that those feelings could change and anything's possible. I am not rooting for that at this point because I can't really imaging feeling safe or cared for with her...but then again she said the same thing and I'm a different man, so who the heck knows, maybe she'll have a change of heart AND become a woman I believe would be able to answer the above questions in a way that would work for me. POINT IS, even though it seems impossible and undesirable, continue to stand I will.

Z out!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
1. Pray. Be appreciative for what I have every day.
2. Be an awesome dad (I told you they were too vague).
3. Kick ass at work.
4. Exercise 3+ times weekly. I'm about 20 pounds off.
5. Get organized. My STBX handled the finances and kept the place up. I haven't developed the best habits yet, and I still have stuff in my room to unpack/store from 12/1. Once I got the kids room and living room set I lost my momentum. I want to turn this place into a man lair, and while I am in no danger of another woman seeing the inside of my bedroom, I'd like it to represent me well (the way you might wear nice underwear even when you don't intend to show them off).
6. Stay on top of my pool game so I don't backslide from what I worked so hard for.
7. KEEP GROWING.
Hey Z!

I feel you set some incredible goals. Good for you. I have seen posts from you on probably any thread I've posted on or had a few minutes to review. You are on a posting binge, you're right. If I may be so bold as to speak for all -- "we really appreciate your time, encouragement and wisdom."

I really liked BW05's commments. I also have a book to recommend about building self-esteem. The title is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

Hang tough Z.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Zues126 Offline OP
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Thanks Bob. Some of them have already been happening. Praying, crushing it at my job (I hit 6 months tomorrow and graduate from being a 'rookie', my training manager told me he's never seen someone come so far so fast smile ), and being a REAL dad (not perfect, but right there with them!). Now I want to take it to another level!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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