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Hugs and you do what u have to do. I dont think u took a step back either.


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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job Offline
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Gwen,
You didn't take a step back. You said what you needed to say and you even wished him peace on Easter. Will he delete the message? Probably not. Many of the mlcers will keep messages, cards, gift wrap, etc., just to have something that ties them to you. So, don't even worry about whether he keeps the message or not...it came from the heart and you meant every word of it.

You had to file for separation to protect you and your girls. You had to do this to protect your assets and finances. Filing for a separation does not mean you will divorce any time soon. It's a tool to protect both parties in the eyes of the law.

As for wearing your wedding ring...it's okay to wear it if you feel comfortable in doing so. After all, you are still married. What he does is of no concern to you right now. Do what is right for YOU.

It's going to take time for you to continue moving forward. You are only human and you love this man w/your all of your being. It's never easy cutting the ties, but there are no guarantees that he will be gone forever or if he'll return at some point. You are in limbo and that's a very uneasy place to be. When you are ready, you will move forward, but try not to remain stuck where you are at the moment. Life is waiting out there w/open arms to embrace you and your girls.

Please be kind to yourself. I think you are expecting way too much of yourself and it does take a lot of time to get your balance when dealing w/the mlcer and the loss of the old marriage.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I haven't posted in few weeks. Focusing on job and children. Feeling like I am finally starting to feel like the shock has worn off and with the separation agreement complete I have to learn how to be alone.

i will post more later but good vibes and prayers are appreciated. The anniversary of BD is a few days away. Between BD and end of July I have several milestones so I am trying to prepare myself mentally. Honestly I am a bit scared of falling into a pit of sadness. I mean This is my danger zone but if I can get to the end of July I feel like I will have endured a year of holidays and a ride around the sun.

Thanks for listening and helping me cope.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hey Gwen, its lovely to have an update from you.

I am so pleased you are feeling a little better; you have been through such a lot in the past year. Its great you have your job and kids to keep you distracted, but don't forget to feel what you have to so you can let it go and continue healing.

Gwen, its natural to feel sad about different anniversaries, at the moment they serve as reminders of what we have lost, but remind yourself of how far you have come since this time last year; you have grown as an individual and become so much stronger. You have also become a good friend to many on here, your support to help others in the same situation is testament to your caring character.

If you do fall into the pit then holler and we shall be there with hands ready to pull you back out again.

Keep posting, ((hugs)) to you

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One year ago today was BD. In many ways it seems like it just happened. The feeling in my gut when he said he was "in a dark place and needs some space" the way he said "it isn't about you, it is about me" .... I can remember what we were wearing, the sound of the television on upstairs. The exact places we were standing in our kitchen.

Now a year later and in so many ways my H no longer exists. I talked to my MIL and she said that to me. She commented that even his voice has changed. She thinks he is still running and he may never return. Ironic that her detachment may have helped set the stage for his choices but she is old and she is tired. It is what it is she says.

A year later and he does not have much of a relationship with his daughters.other than the "insert holiday here" texts there is no communication. As time goes on it is harder for them to feel connected. Youngest is angry and oldest is "disappointed in him as a human being" - they no longer consider him much of a parent. They think I am crazy for holding on to the memory of someone who has discarded us so casually. They were raised to demand respect and to give it to the people in their lives.

At BD I had no idea he was running towards another woman. I still trusted him and I remember how worried I was for his mental health. Looking back now I have to say I was so naive. I made so many mistakes because I was operating on a false set of assumptions. I had no idea what had happened. I had no idea that in so many ways it was too late to keep him from leaving.

I wish I had known what a MLC looks like. I knew he was stressed but now I realize it was so much more. Friends just don't understand that this type of separation is different than a traditional divorce. A mean none of it is easy but the way this went down without warning and cloaked in bizarre behavior.

A year since BD. Deep breathes. I can do this. I am doing this. For now that has to be good enough.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Gwen, it does get better. I would be lying if I said it never goes away.

Remember you have been traumatized. Emotional trauma isn't visible but it is there, as potent as physical trauma. I ow get flashes, rather than enduring memory, but it still hurts.

What we have to do is write ourselves another story. But that is hard to do when all the ground rules just went rushing away in a mighty torrent. We and they are lost in a dark wood, and our job is to get out, and start to live again.

The whole point is we can't know what is happening. MLC is poorly understood, and something that happens to others. There is probably as much knowledge here as anywhere.

You know you can do it - sadly your MIL is part of the problem in all probablity. Miy MIL was kind to me but honestly emotionally unavailable. Sadly she died during all of this. I wish she hadn't had to see her son do the things he did.

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Oh Gwen, you are so brave and I see such a strong women inside of you. Your heart is hurting right now, it will heal my lovely lady, you will smile again.

You and I have walked our journeys together, I feel akin to you, our stories so alike, its almost scary. I too remember exactly where I was at BD (mine was a yr 2 weeks ago), the look on his face when he spoke the words "I don't think I can do this anymore" - my quizzical look and answer "what, move?" still naive to the fact he was telling me he was leaving me - I really understand how you are feeling right now Gwen, its a anniversary that is the hardest one to face, but we are stronger now, we have squared up to many challenges in the past year and conquered them, with grace and style.

Hoping for your m is ok, its your choice to make and no one has the right to pressure you into changing your thoughts; friends and family really can't understand why we still have that love for our h, how can they; unless you have first hand experience of being a mlc s then its baffling to them why we remain sat on the fence - ever hoping that we may be one of the lucky ones - you take this at your own pace gwen, do what feels right to you.

You have come so far, you have gone out into the world and held your head high, look back at all that you have achieved over the past year, you are one amazing women gwen.

((hugs)) to you

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Gwen,

Your moving forward. I know it seems frustratingly slow. From my perspective now looking back at BD 5 + years ago, I think our souls lead us through at the pace we need to go.

I remember in my MLC talking to one of the people I was supposed to meet who had an MLC himself. His therapist told him to give the melancholy moments in your life your utmost attention and then let it go, because they will come along frequently in the beginning and less so as you get through your journey.

Keep looking for the silver linings this unasked for journey deals you.

Mirage

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Gwen, it was heart breaking to read you post. I almost feel what you feel. I remember the details and feelings at the BD, and it was almost 3 years ago for me. You’ve come a long way in just one year. I can tell you that it gets better. Yes, I still remember the details and feelings but it doesn’t sting as bad anymore. It is just sad. It is also sad that your H doesn’t have any relationship with your D’s. I hope one day he will come around and realize what he’s been missing.

Hugs to you.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi Gwen, just checking you are ok. I know its been a rough few weeks, let us know how you are doing when you feel able.

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

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