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Sotto #2563426 05/02/15 07:41 AM
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RD, I just had another thought. You're clearly a lovely and quite a nurturing guy. Do you think in your sitch you have become something of a father (or caring older brother) figure with your W. And that your approach may be enabling her to stay in child/teenage mode - because she doesn't really have to stand on her own two feet?

Some things you've said - getting her tyres done for her. Offering her £50 to keep her going - these would be just the kinds of things my Dad would have done when I was single. What if you took the view that - hey, you fired me as your H - these things are yours to own now. Not in a nasty way of course. More in a 'hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you manage to get things sorted - gotta dash..." kind of way.

Why not just try ceasing any form of support right now - no listening ear to her woes, no practical 'fixing' support and no additional financial support. No mediating when she fluffs things up with the kids. Just giving the impression that, hey, I can't offer all of this to you any more - you'll have to find that somewhere else/sort it out for yourself.

My other thought is - what if you were to make some plans for a Wednesday night. And instead of your W coming over for family time, she comes over to 'watch' the family while you go out for the evening. Maybe not every week - but some weeks. What if you were to positively plan a drink out with a friend or similar that night and say to W. Just checking you'll be coming over as I'll be out that night.

I think these two simple changes do the following things. End any potential father/child dynamic. Force W to deal with her own stuff. Help you do something new for you. Help end this feeling of - hey, I just helped you and you're texting me from outside OM's house. Start to give W the message that RD wont always be there for me like my reliable Dad or older brother, so I'd better do some thinking here. He's become a bit more of an unpredictable guy...I think all of this would shake things up a little. Not being too extreme about it (bearing in mind your W's vulnerability right now) but just giving things a little mix.

Maybe all of this is a bridge to far, and forgive me if I'm crossing a line here. Maybe see what others think too.....

(((RD)))


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2563461 05/02/15 12:04 PM
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Thanks Toots I've been think along the same lines. I do see the dynamic you pointed out during the M I am a fixer. If there is a problem I can normally get it resolved In my line of work I need to get things done for customers that would be considered near impossible in the normal run of events. My dad pointed out this same big brother / little sister thing when this first started and I have always been this way , with friends and family I have pulled back and on reflection I haven't keep the road home smooth because while I am there for W , in conversation I would always make it clear that we are a done deal.

Recently W was taking about her landlord finding out she had cats , I suggested on the renewal of her lease in 6 months that she ask him to amend it to include cats

W called yesterday to see how I was and tell me she had to collect D10 from school as D10 wasn't well. W said it was sad because she was there for the kids when they were ill before and now she wasn't. I said this was ours lives now and we would all adapt in time

I would always make it clear that I am not expecting W home and I don't think our sitch will change.

If I was W , i would think that while Rd was very nice and helpful he had no interest in reconciling

Toots I think it's time to end all contact with W save for kids related stuff. W has been gone 7'months now and while her life is far from happy she is getting on with it. Besides my friends on here , I confide in about 4 close friends/ family and my L/C. All of them want me to continue to be there for W because she is lost and going through a form of breakdown / MLC. You know how hard it is to keep on keeping on Toots and I have to deal with contact with W everyday My kids have to factor into any decision I make and I would happily give my life for them , it's just the pain of seeing someone you have loved for 25 years daily knowing they no longer love you

I will detach in a physical way and put some distance between W and me and I hope this will give me some relief I don't want to go against L/Cs advice but maybe I should.


Thanks Toots , I really appreciate your input and concern. Take care. Rd

rd500 #2563590 05/02/15 09:13 PM
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Hi RD,

you have quite the fan club smile

Unsurprisingly I agree with Toots - it could be that your supportive nature could is enabling her to stay lost. Sometimes people only grow up when they have to

You can still be there for your W because its not a black and white thing. The wednesday evening GAL i think is a really good thing to consider for a whole bunch of reasons

Hope your having a good weekend


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2563740 05/03/15 09:22 AM
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Hi Iim thanks for posting. I think I'm done with W. I will be there if she's ever really stuck but Ive been thinking long and hard about my sitch and Rd needs to move on. I'm not mature enough to deal with W and OM and aw was obviously not who I believed her to be. I have held my hands up to my many many faults during M so I'm not blaming W for how we got here

It sad for my kids and me but life goes on. I've been thinking a lot anout a future R and I don't think I'm cut out for one My life will be full with kids and I have a business to run There are so many good people on here and I'm not sure if I would have got to where I am without you all I hope its cool if I stay on the boards and support others because I have gained so much knowledge from the books and this site I would love to share it.

Thanks again Jim. Have a good weekend. Take care Rd

rd500 #2563765 05/03/15 11:14 AM
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Morning lovely RD. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Hey listen, I'm worried now that what I posted yesterday may have contributed towards your frame of mind today. I didn't mean to suggest that you should be thinking about being 'done' at all. I see many similarities between your sitch and mine - apart from gender of course :-)

I think we are both married to people who are worth being married to - but who have become lost, adrift, confused and all that goes with that. It isn't a great state of affairs, but it may well be retrievable in time. The big thing that has really mattered to me is that I didn't want to give up on our M too soon. Our R, our M and our vows matter a great deal to me, and I really meant it when I said for better for worse. Now things are 'for worse' for sure, but it matters to me that I truly did all that I could before moving on. And I'm not ready to move on just yet.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you do anything either way. And my train of thought yesterday was purely about your approach and changing your level of availability and support, which could then impact on your sitch going forwards. Is it worth thinking about changing things a little, rather than going all the way to being done? There is more that you could do to protect yourself, draw back and keep moving forwards without fully being done - a nice GAL activity just for RD would be one example. I'm sure there are others.

Anyway, of course it is your decision and we'll all support you whatever you decide. I just wanted to be clear that this isn't what I was hoping for in my posts to you yesterday. As for future R's, there's no need to make decisions about those right now (what, not even Pink or I???) How you feel today may not be how you feel in six months, a year, or longer.

Take care RD ((((RD)))) xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2563766 05/03/15 11:23 AM
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Oh, and another thing - then I need to dash! It has really helped me reading some of the stuff by the Conway's on MLC. I read the Men in MLC book, but there is a woman's one too. I have been able to accept much more of what is going on, having read some of that stuff.

xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2563770 05/03/15 12:57 PM
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Thanks Toots, please don't think you had anything bad to do with my thoughts. I have always admired how you handled BD and how you deal with everything. I am down but at the same time Im not the person who can deal with what's happened W was great, caring and a great mum. All that's gone and I have to accept that She has chosen someone else and left the family. It's what she wants and that's that. For me , the betrayal is to much , I don't hate her or
Anything like that , she is in a bad place financial and doesn't appear to have a good life from what she tells me. It's 7 months and nothing seems to be changing re her choices and the recent coming forward is classic temp testing

Re another R , I don't want to be disappointed again. I'm not a bad person and I would never rule anything out. I would kill for someone like you or Pink and I'm not kidding. All the ladies on this sites have done so much to try to change for themselves and their R that any of them would be great catchs for future partners

I will always be grateful to all on here who have helped me there is a select few that I would have as friends in the real world because you have always been there for me.

Toots I started with my new approach yesterday and where I would normally see W for a couple of hours I got it down to 4 mins. She called this morning and where we would have chatted for 10 mins it was only 2 W made a choice for herself and I have now made one for me

Thanks toots. Your advice and support was always valuable to me and I will follow your thread My L/C believes things happen for a reason and so do I. Your lsitch has plenty of opportunity because your ab will emerge from MLC eventually

Take. Rd. xx

rd500 #2563771 05/03/15 01:10 PM
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RD, thanks for being discreet about us. It would upset Pink and Toots. (Kidding, girls!). I like that you have taken action to cut down the contact with W, I think it will do you a world of good to not have to hear her misery. I know you'll always be there for her, but not having it in your ear all the time leaves more room for what you want RD. Good job.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2563789 05/03/15 02:06 PM
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I'm just adjusting this for you RD..

"W was great, caring and a great mum. All that's gone just now, and I have to accept that for the time being She has chosen someone else - albeit they may be only a friend - and left the family. It's what she wants and that's that at least for now."

I guess I'm just saying there's no more or less hope for your sitch than any of ours. I recall Wonka posting somewhere that hardly any sitches improve in the first 9 months after BD, so it is still relatively early days. But only you can decide what's right for you.

Having said that, I agree with RPP - it's no bad thing to limit contact - to protect your own heart if nothing else, and not enable your W further. And if you can do it in a DB way - busy, breezy and not cold - even better. And in the meantime, you know that there at least three lovely virtual ladies out there who think you're great!!

xx

Last edited by Toots; 05/03/15 02:07 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2564164 05/04/15 05:40 PM
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Hi rd,
While I don't post anything about my sitch anymore, I do however try to catch up on yours on a weekly basis. You Are very strong and doing great job with your children but the others are correct in saying you need to distance yourself more from w. It was w choice to seperate herself from you but when things get tough for her she relies on you.
From what I've read and experienced this is a typical WAS trate, leave her be rd she needs to feel the weight of her choices, it reminds me of taking the stabilisers off a child's bicycle.
You've done your bit rd, get busy living again and let w worry about w, I know it's hard but it's the way it has to be mate.
I've not read the books so not sure if it's good advice but Its advice based on my own experience and I can tell you for absolute fact that you will feel better for it.
You don't have to be cold or nasty, just don't catch her when she falls everytime.
There's no need to be trying to show her what she's missing, she will realise it herself when the time comes, what she does from there nobody knows , you just take care of rd and children.
hope I've not spoken out of turn or broken board rules in any way, just trying to offer support.

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