Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 290
I'm so sorry for all you're going through at the moment! Have not much to say, but please just take one moment at the time and know that there are many here on the board for you..
Please take care, I've got my fingers crossed for you! Big hug!!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
I found a draft of written H a few weeks after he came back claiming to be all in. About my hopes and confidence in us. It was so sweet. I don't know why I didn't send it. One of his fears he kept repeating in last six months was that I cared more about R than him, I was an enemy in this respect. I tried to tell him in this letter it wasn't so, and I wanted our R to be something that supported him.

I just don't know what to believe about any of what he said or did, nothing adds up.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
I am starting to doubt myself, I feel like I'm going nuts. Maybe H just lost his temper. Like he said, he didn't really throw those things at me or see me closing The front door when he slammed in into me, he said he thought I was already in the car. He admits being wrong for destroying my phone, maybe that's all he thought he really did and that's why it's ridiculous to him I said I can't feel safe.

I saw pics of him on FB this morning. I still love him. I feel so much disbelief at all of this. I looked at him and it was so hard for me to believe he's the man that acted the way I see him acting in that fight, the apathy afterward, delivery of the news he intends to sleep around. He looks like the same man who I trusted.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Do you have professional support in real life for victims of abuse? Like a helpline? They could help you parse these things. They know the patterns.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Zelda, i am so sorry that you are hurting. detaching from my wife has been the hardest thing I've ever done...and it nothing is even close. I find my brain lying to me constantly. It is sad, disappointing, frustrating...so many other feeling I cannot express. I have been cognizant of the trickery my own mind is trting and really have been trying to head things off. I am in a fight for my own life, free to be myself to love myself and to let others be who they are. I also want to feel love from the woman I desire more than anyone I've ever met...and to feel desired by her. My brain will not Accept that she does not have those same feelings for me that she once had, rather will not accept that I can't do anything to change that fact. In my young life, I have quit smoking, looking at porn, walked away from a friendship in college that was destructive to me (felt I was falling in love with her even tho she was crazy...chose my future bride over her even tho she was hundreds of miles and a couple of years away) as well as a couple of other destructive behaviors and these choices were non-issues, no second thoughts, no regrets.

I am not sure what is actually going on in our spouses heads, but this is hard and it takes time to break free. It takes lots of focus and patience and work. I know that my marriage will never work with how I interact with my wife right now. I know that I can never be truly happy with this situation. I have sought professional help with this codependency / enmeshment struggle. And of course I have found support with this here from you and ao any of these amazing people here.

From my IC, that the first step is realizing what the issue is that is really causing us harm and Then actually wanting to change it. From there it is work and work and more work. I am with Moz on this one...maybe seek out a professional councillor. I know you've said you've seen ic before...I had to drop my old one because she was really clueless about what I needed for help. The new one has been way more helpful in just two visits.

I am sending happy thoughts your way!!!

Last edited by Zephyr; 05/03/15 09:28 PM.

M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Mozza - I gave an IC but can't afford to go right now. But it's ok. I took a deep breath and moved through whatever that nonsense in my head was and am back on the ground in a good way.

Zephyr- you're doung great. I admire you, I know how tough it is living with someone and not knowing the score. Thank you for the support.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Well, H is telling folks we 'broke up' two months ago (that's a month longer than what he wrote on the paperwork and what we both know to be true) and that papers have been signed and filed. Also, not true, I verified this morning he's still not returned calls to do so.

What in the world. I know I shouldn't be trying to understand what doesn't make any sense.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 303
Z- I really don't even know what to say to you. Just that I still read and follow your thread. Quite honestly I don't know what happened in your sitch either. I thought it was going very well. Idk.

Its so difficult to make sense of any of this but just keep writing and get it off your chest. Thinking about you Z.


ME: 28
W: 24
M: 2.5yrs
T: 5yrs
BD: 22 SEP 14
W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Z

H is lying to suit himself. It isn't rational, there is no way to rationalise it!

Don't try.

Leave FB alone if it drives your emotions.

((((((Z)))))))

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Z
Zelda09 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 755
Seven years ago I told my H I loved him on this holiday. It's making me feel so sad, because I see this shining playful memory of us being goofy and so excited over each other. I wonder if those memories will ever find a place next to the more recent ones.

More and more I want to close this chapter even if it means me reaching out to him and prodding him to sign. How could I ever trust him? In the interest of not lying to myself anymore, there is a bit of me hoping he's paused - not out of laziness, control, or whatever else - bc he isn't sure. And that if I hang back he may for the first time in our R take the initiative to say he wants to address himself and be here. Silly girl I am. And H would return with the tools to no longer resort to verbal/emotional abuse and intimidation. I'd no longer feel like I wasn't enough for him and we'd live happily ever after.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard