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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks guys as always.

"So I see this as speaking out of both sides of your mouth. You have had connections, movies, lunch, laughter, shared stories, and the present the other day. But you are also right, no physical connection. So guys need sex to feel close. Girls need intimacy to want to have sex. It is a catch 22. Perhaps look at how you are enabling this behavior and how to change the dynamic."

Spot on Mahhhty, fear is definitely holding me back...fear of what rejection? I'm already being rejected.

I have already decided that I'm not going to confront him until after we get back from up North. My sister suggested (since I've waited this long) to wait until after his surgery. The problem with that is I have no idea how long that is going to take. There doesn't seem to be any hurry on the other side for him to "get fixed" and if it takes another year I'm not sure I'm willing to continue like this that much longer.

I definitely have some questions for my coach, hopefully I will have some alone time tomorrow to organize my thoughts to get the most out of this session.

On a different note, I talked to someone today about my teaching certification and got started applying for some positions for next year. There are 2 I'm interested in but I need a Microsoft Certification....but it is not specific as to which one, MCP? Even the person I talked to wasn't sure...

I also downloaded a new audio book to learn to speak Spanish! I took French in HS and college but when you don't use it, you lose it.

I'm also thinking about getting a personal trainer for a month or so, to help get me motivated and more consistent, and I need to incorporate some strength training. I'll have to check out the cost before making any decisions.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: mahhhty
Morning Lost... I reordered your sentences to respond better.

Originally Posted By: lost18
You're both right though, I will add that to my list of questions for my next session with my DB coach. I've been confused because DB says NOT to confront, bring up R talk etc. and that I should be acting as if.
I think you have to understand what the DB coach says. I also think your explanation of DB'ing is perhaps only partly right. DB'ing is not the idea to NOT confront the other person. It is about doing what works and doing 180s. That is my perspective. I think the no confrontation piece is only if you are the pursuer while implementing LRT.

Originally Posted By: lost18
Would I feel better if I confronted him? Maybe initially but not sure about the long run. Although I'm losing hope that there will be any change (my sister thinks for something life altering has to happen for him) I at this point still want to save my marriage.
This kind of gets me a little funky. I can see my W in this sentence. Perhaps she did everything you are doing, but I never responded just as he is not responding. Once you drop a bomb, if he does want to save the R, he will go through this life changing time (as I have). It wasn't my W's words that got me, it was her actions to get rid of me. I caution you to not fall into that trap or be so incredibly upset with him (about what you think is going on, b/c honestly you don't know what is happening right now) that you can never reconcile.

Hello Lost,

I still think about you often, sorry I haven't posted in a while!

I feel I am all caught up on your situation and I can understand why you feel the way you do. When you have had your soul torn, which you have, it affects your entire life. It causes you to have a depressed spirit. The trauma of a broken spirit is very real.

It looks like you've been getting some sound advice, especially from our friend mahhhty. My W didn't confront me regarding things that were bothering her. What woke me up? If you recall, her leaving and filing for D the next day. That was 7 months ago today.

So, if you do want to save your M, don't fall into the same trap. Confront your H. I know you can do it.

I'll dedicate a prayer to you tonight.

*Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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lost18 Offline OP
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I had my second coaching session today. I asked her about confronting, and she asked what I was hoping to get out of it and if I think I would. My answer is I probably would not get what I wanted so confronting H is on the back burner for now.

She did give me some ideas about the texting, because I can't confirm anything, that I could address it in a way to let him know my boundary. "I really hope you're not texting...."

She gave me some other things to do as well, my sister thinks it's getting pathetic at this point, but does agree that it's hard to resist someone who is really warm.

We'll see what happens in the long run.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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DB Coach told me to keep a journal of the positives with date, she said it helps not dwell on the negatives.

Now I'm convinced he goes in "his" room at night and texts...at least he's not doing it in front of me...

Maybe this positivity journal will help me not dwell on all the BS in my mind....sigh


Last edited by lost18; 05/22/15 03:31 AM.

Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 360
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Hi lost. How's everything? How are you doing ?


Me 34 H 33
Married 2006
S5 D2
BD Jan 2015 EA/PA
He moved out 2/2/2015
Came back 5/2015
Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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I'm hanging in depress, thanks for checking. I know you're feeling down and I'll try to stop by your thread tomorrow to check on you.

Quick rundown: No softball on Friday, D13 & H were in the pool and I was hanging out there with them and then we all went to dinner.

Saturday D13 and I left in the morning for an overnight tournament, H and I shared some texts, including some joking ones. (I have issues due to lack of detachment of what he does with all his time alone..:()

Sunday D13's team lost early, H texted me to see how they did and asked if we were on our way home. Said he was going on the boat and to call when we got home and he would pick us up. Tons of people on the water, SIL & BIL and family and lots of friends. Got out of the water about sunset and went to dinner. I ended up grabbing his phone off the boat, when we were leaving the marina he didn't ask for it so I probably could have kept it all night (I don't have his password to see anything on it) but when I got to the restaurant I brought it in and gave it to him (pat myself on the back :))

Today was a lazy day, thought about going to a Blues festival but just didn't feel like it. Did take D13 to meet her friends for a movie while I did a little shopping.

I do "feel" he was texting somebody inappropriate (inappropriate to me, he thinks because he told me he wants a D it's ok, at least that's what he tells himself, his hiding it kind of shows he doesn't really believe that). Trying not to let it affect me, I can't control him.

Time for bed, work tomorrow...


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 360
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Hang in there too. This is some really hard situation we are going thru. I just want it to end already. smirk
You had a busy weekend at least it kept you busy. For us it was boring nothing exciting.


Me 34 H 33
Married 2006
S5 D2
BD Jan 2015 EA/PA
He moved out 2/2/2015
Came back 5/2015
Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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I've been keeping a positivity journal the past few days (HW from DB coach). It seems to help as I don't focus solely on the negative. Tonight, after focusing on his phone activity too much as usual, I took time to see what positive interactions I might add to my journal. Nothing noteworthy today, but if I'm going to continue this way I might as well look for the positives.

A little over a month before I go on vacation and get some much needed time away from H. Not to mention I really love going "home."

I really need to work on overcoming my poor body image...that is not going to be easy since I've been living with it for 45 years. There is a lot more to this but again, it's time for bed.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Hey Lost... there is a lot of stuff in here, since my last visit. Did you ever get that PT?


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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Losty,

Originally Posted By: lost18
DB Coach told me to keep a journal of the positives with date, she said it helps not dwell on the negatives.

Now I'm convinced he goes in "his" room at night and texts...at least he's not doing it in front of me...

Maybe this positivity journal will help me not dwell on all the BS in my mind....sigh


I did check my WW's texting record yesterday, but only because my L instructed me to keep track of things. I did not check whether she continued to text OM throughout the Bar-Mitzvah weekend - a no-no on sabbath - because it would only have aggravated me more. Even better, I did not perseverate over her texting record for the rest of the day. I just got back to what I was doing.

I am not hijacking your thread to update my sitch. I am only mentioning the above to remind you that we have to stop obsessing about what WS is doing. If you check out my last few posts, you will see that I have *a lot* of work to do in that department. (Physician, heal thyself!). We clearly have too much time on our hands if we can devote some of it to what our crazy a-- S is doing. Nevertheless, I support you and wanted to encourage you.

I love the idea of positivity journal. I have been toying with a gratitude journal. I have not yet started it. Kudos to you.

Hang in there,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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