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RAI Offline
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Originally Posted By: lost18
Love it...and the 80's! Yes, doesn't leave much to the imagination sometimes, "Pour some sugar on me" what does that even mean!
Good point! the 80's weren't so chaste either. Remember Franky Goes to Hollywood? I think there is much more swearing in mainstream music today.

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Me 48 XW 45
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D April 2017
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lost18 Offline OP
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So H just went out again...3 weekends in row, 2 weekends both Fri and Sat although only for a couple of hours on Fri... I miss going out and having a few drinks and people watching with him...sigh


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
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lost18 Offline OP
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He was only gone for a couple of hours last night...he just went down the road and came back with ice cream and twinkies (gross!).

Apparently, now he and his buddy have decided to go pan for gold in Alaska next summer....I just smiled. He told me they were going to drive, stay in our place up north for a week (pick up our atv's) and the rest of the route. Showed me where in AK they were going. His buddy went out to look for a camper for his truck. I'm not going to worry too much about it and the fact that I think it's ridiculous because it is a year away and a lot can happen in a year...for now I'll just listen and be supportive.

I've been in a decent mood (even singing around the house) this weekend. This morning I got up and got ready and took D13 and her friend to get some practice in. She has been out for about 2 months with a knee injury and has a tournament this weekend.

On my way home I realized we had 4 tickets (free) to a country music fest and I wanted to go. When I came in I said I'm going to the music fest, he said have fun. I asked him if he wanted to go, he said no, I jokingly told him he was no fun. I posted on facebook to see if anyone wanted to go but since it was last minute everyone was already out and about. So, D16 and I went shopping instead...doesn't sound like I missed much and it stormed!

So after doing pretty well with my healthy eating I kind of blew it this weekend. Started out with rewarding myself with Starbucks fri which was fine, but somehow last night I was eating cheese and crackers and ice cream which led to today...but I'll forgive myself, back on track tomorrow.

I'm hoping I'm on my way to turning the corner, not to detachment yet, but being happy and focusing on me...we'll see, maybe just because I'm in a good mood today.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Originally Posted By: lost18

Apparently, now he and his buddy have decided to go pan for gold in Alaska next summer....I just smiled. He told me they were going to drive, stay in our place up north for a week (pick up our atv's) and the rest of the route. Showed me where in AK they were going. His buddy went out to look for a camper for his truck. I'm not going to worry too much about it and the fact that I think it's ridiculous because it is a year away and a lot can happen in a year...for now I'll just listen and be supportive.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

You should be happy. You're going to be RICH!

OMG this may be the funniest thing I've ever read on these forums.

To be fair, I do get it. Guy time, back to the roots, nature, hard work, rugged, beating a drum, all that. It's just so classic. I don't know. It's a caricature of itself.

Tip of the hat for handling it so well. Yes, a lot can change in a year. What a great perspective, and absolutely true.

And whistling around the house...I'll tell you lost, you are stronger than about anyone I know. Excluding the hearty Alaskans obviously. smile


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
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WOW! Panning for gold. Really... Thats interesting.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thank you Zues, your response made me laugh! And as long as he doesn't file for divorce before he goes half of everything he makes is mine!! Shhh....don't think he gets that! LOL

"To be fair, I do get it. Guy time, back to the roots, nature, hard work, rugged, beating a drum, all that. It's just so classic. I don't know. It's a caricature of itself."

I'm not going to say I "understand" but if I were to look at things from his perspective he is looking for adventure. He was in the military for 21 years and spent the last 6-7 years working with the military, in a war zone. The fact that he is unable to work is killing him and I think even if he were working a "normal" job here he would still be bored/unhappy. He told me a few months ago he misses being there (Afghanistan) and the adrenaline rush and excitement that comes with it. I really don't understand why he "wants" to leave his family (kids) again etc. etc. I'm going to try to see it from his perspective...not mine.

I know people and relationships come back from this and worse, I'm just really having a hard time seeing how that can happen with us. He has been home over 7 months and there is no real change...no physical connection at all, it just doesn't seem like he's attracted to me. The phone thing still going on, he shares stuff with me but nothing too personal....

But we can still enjoy time together...we went to lunch today, haven't done that in a while. Later we laughed kind of hard about something silly, connections right?

Guess I just have to take the good with the bad for now....

Totally screwed up my healthy eating the past few days..back on track tomorrow!

Thanks for checking in on me, I know I need to stop by some threads myself!


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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I swear I've asked before so sorry I can't remember, but do you have a DB Coach?

Apologies to the forums for beating this to death. Mine has just been an angel. I swear she was sent from above to help guide me through. It's like when I have these questions I just get straight answers.

Anyway, this has gone on a long time. I know if I were you I'd be sorely tempted to separate just to move on and/or wake him up. But then I'd be afraid of making emotional decisions, and say to myself "if I were really detached, calm, and pure, I could be at peace in the midst of this" and I'd stay. But on the other hand, every month that passes with this mediocre marriage he is also yearning for more, and potentially cementing the case that nothing could be different (I mean, to you it's obvious that it could be if HE changed, but I swear he still might feel like it can't be different unless YOU change somehow...even if he doesn't know how, just that you would need to magically fix this situation).

All in it's a very confusing, sad, lonely, and difficult spot. And there's no telling how long it will last. Remember, my W and I hardly spoke for 3 of our last 5 years (in 6 month increments). Not angry, just defeated. And we lasted like that a long time. So it can be scary to think about how much of your life will be this way, when we want so much more.

I'm all over the map. Just trying to support you and recognize what you're going through. But I do think that you're reaching a zen-like state, and it would be good to get some expert guidance to see what your 3, 6, and 12 month plan should look like.

Take care lost.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Feb 2014
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Zues, I've had one session and have session #2 scheduled Thurs.

I totally agree with you, something needs to change.

Today we took my car to the shop (again) and he asked if I had any plans after because he wanted to go to the marine store to get something for the boat. They didn't have what he wanted in stock so we ended up having to go to a different store, about an hour drive, to get it.

While we were there we got a call about the car and the estimated $2500 it's going to cost to fix it...ouch! He was pretty bummed as it is going to change plans on his jeep and the work he wants to do on our place up north.

We went to lunch before we came home so we spent a good part of the day together. While we were driving I wanted to reach out and hold his hand or put my hand on his leg like I used to...but I can't, because that's not what he wants from me (right now).

This is where I need change, this could have been a day 5 years ago, except maybe I would have had more to say about the amount of $$ he spent (before we got the news on my car) or I would have been more demanding (for lack of a better word) and wanted to go to more stores "since we're here." And of course he went to bed in a separate room....


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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It's so tragic that God gives two people to each other and we mess it up so badly. Sorry for your pain.

Glad you have a second session. Here was my tip to Jedi:

First off, I'm glad you got a DB coach. You're right, the first session might be 'orientation'. I'd encourage you to set up your next call for pretty soon. That said, you should be getting help right away. I tell my coach what I want. For example, say "I'd like to have a good strategy to guide how I respond to her contact for the first few weeks after she moves out". You can tell them you're open to following their lead, but that you'd like 10-15 minutes to specifically aim at that area. My coach is very good about helping me where I want it, while still giving me feedback and guidance where she feels I need it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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Stone by stone little lady. Lots of posts the last couple days, below is some of your quotes with my 2 cents. Along with some of Zues's.

"He told me a few months ago he misses being there (Afghanistan) and the adrenaline rush and excitement that comes with it. I really don't understand why he "wants" to leave his family (kids) again etc. etc. I'm going to try to see it from his perspective...not mine."

Remember my Kayak Analogy... Honestly, he doesn't even know all the exact reasons. It is how he is built. His predisposition.

"I know people and relationships come back from this and worse, I'm just really having a hard time seeing how that can happen with us. He has been home over 7 months and there is no real change...no physical connection at all, it just doesn't seem like he's attracted to me. The phone thing still going on, he shares stuff with me but nothing too personal....

But we can still enjoy time together...we went to lunch today, haven't done that in a while. Later we laughed kind of hard about something silly, connections right? "

So I see this as speaking out of both sides of your mouth. You have had connections, movies, lunch, laughter, shared stories, and the present the other day. But you are also right, no physical connection. So guys need sex to feel close. Girls need intimacy to want to have sex. It is a catch 22. Perhaps look at how you are enabling this behavior and how to change the dynamic.

From Zues
"Anyway, this has gone on a long time. I know if I were you I'd be sorely tempted to separate just to move on and/or wake him up. But then I'd be afraid of making emotional decisions, and say to myself "if I were really detached, calm, and pure, I could be at peace in the midst of this" and I'd stay. But on the other hand, every month that passes with this mediocre marriage he is also yearning for more, and potentially cementing the case that nothing could be different (I mean, to you it's obvious that it could be if HE changed, but I swear he still might feel like it can't be different unless YOU change somehow...even if he doesn't know how, just that you would need to magically fix this situation)."

This is perhaps a reason to be confrontational with him. Which I think is a 180 for you. You would have to be calm, respectful and fully able to take the high road if the conversation got nasty (a pre-planned exit strategy). This is what I think you could say.... H I need to speak and would like you to listen. H months ago you wanted a D. And then the conversation fell off the table. I see glimpses of the relationship I want from time to time. But I see a non-fulfilling relationship, where resentment for each other is building. I no longer want to act, do you want a better marriage?

From Zues
"All in it's a very confusing, sad, lonely, and difficult spot."

I know it is hard and Lost has felt lost for a long time. I feel for you everyday and think about your situation often. It is hard when the fog has set in and the road muddy.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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